I want to say you are right but I don't completely agree.
There are many marriages that start off rocky but eventually one wins the heart of the other. If not for any other reason but that they stuck around when one was being difficult. That's a prize isn't it?
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The real question is whether or not one of the partners has the strength of character and emotional power to make a go of it when nothing is reciprocated**.
But if the person doesn't reciprocate despite so many efforts then should they still stick around? At what point should they just throw in the towel?
There's a phrase.. better the devil you know than the one you don't...sometimes no matter how crappy a situation is, the fear of the unknown is still far greater than a bad present situation.
I know people who are divorced and they say despite their efforts they finally reached a point that getting out of the situation was better than the fear of the future.
But if the person doesn't reciprocate despite so many efforts then should they still stick around? At what point should they just throw in the towel?
There's a phrase.. better the devil you know than the one you don't...sometimes no matter how crappy a situation is, the fear of the unknown is still far greater than a bad present situation.
I know people who are divorced and they say despite their efforts they finally reached a point that getting out of the situation was better than the fear of the future.
I hear you.
Each case is different and I don't think that there should be any generalizations.
Giving it some time might help. You may ask your husband to have an open and frank discussion with you as a friend only. You can assure him that you might help him with everything he is going through. You might consider discussing divorce with him as an option but don't mention divorce at the beginning of the discussion. Try to show him your willingness to work towards saving your marriage. It seems he wants to save the marriage too thats why he's not being harsh with you or has not brought up the option of divorce to you till now. It seems that he's just taking some time to adjust with you and accepting this marriage. You should help him with this and this might save your marriage.
If you don't see any improvement in say 6 months time, you can seriously start considering divorce. But don't go for divorce immediately as he is not physically abusing you and there is no major reason for this until you yourself think that there is no chance that things are going to improce in the future.
It really annoys me when men/women marry when they are in love with someone else. They ruin the life of their new spouse for no reason!!!! People like that need to grow a pair and say NO to marriage!
yeh, have you even consummated the marriage? personally I think its very odd behaviour on his part, he might be in love with someone else or whatever, but Sara's right about the fear of the unknown. Maybe she could stick around in this marriage a year and make all the effort to make this guy into her but a) you don't know if that will happen at all so she might waste a year of her life for nothing and b) the fact that this is his attitude right into the marriage doesn't bode well.
I don't think its fair to you for you to have to work so hard to just to get your husband to be physically intimate with you. Its a huge part of marriage and does make a significant difference in a relationship.
Giving it some time might help. You may ask your husband to have an open and frank discussion with you as a friend only. You can assure him that you might help him with everything he is going through. You might consider discussing divorce with him as an option but don't mention divorce at the beginning of the discussion. Try to show him your willingness to work towards saving your marriage. It seems he wants to save the marriage too thats why he's not being harsh with you or has not brought up the option of divorce to you till now. It seems that he's just taking some time to adjust with you and accepting this marriage. You should help him with this and this might save your marriage.
If you don't see any improvement in say 6 months time, you can seriously start considering divorce. But don't go for divorce immediately as he is not physically abusing you and there is no major reason for this until you yourself think that there is no chance that things are going to improce in the future.
Honestly, your situation sounds awful. And so difficult because tho he is not physically abusing you, he is rejecting/ignoring you and making it difficult for you to speak to anyone out of shame and embarrassment.
I understand why people are saying to wait it out, and if you want to take the time to talk it out and pray, then go for it. But don't wait too long, and do not accept this life. And I think you need your parents to know what's happening to you. You need to confide in them.
I am so frustrated by this situation. There are so many alarm bells. ARGH.
*married at 19
*married to a stranger
*married into a family where the parents don't want you to be educated
*married to a man who is not willing to stand up to his parents about your right to be educated
And that's all stuff that was known BEFORE the nikkah happened. That's not even touching on what you're dealing with in married life.
Questions that beg to be answered:
Why did you get married at 19?
Why didn't you properly talk to him before the wedding, meet him, get to know him, etc?
I know this is going to sound harsh but going into marriage with a complete stranger in this day and age like this is sheer stupidity, and most of the time you end up paying dearly like this. Your parents should have known better and you should have insisted on better.
Maybe she could stick around in this marriage a year and make all the effort to make this guy into her but a) you don't know if that will happen at all so she might waste a year of her life for nothing and b) the fact that this is his attitude right into the marriage doesn't bode well.
I know it sounds like it, but in all actuality....if one spouse puts the effort into bettering the relationship that ultimately ends, at best it's a learning experience...an opportunity to mature and grow as a person.
at the least you'd have the satisfaction of knowing you tried your best to work it out.
Alright there are two possible reasons behind all that makes your marriage looking like miserable.
Either he is suffering from what inspiron guessed at: erectile dysfunction..
Or he was in love with someone else as you referred to the sms he sent to the other girl and callig himself zinda lash etc... and he is broken and depressed for that reason.
Both of these make very much sense why he would have lost all interest on earth in you.
Now, since you are too young (19 is nothing maan! even age and experiences lose the ground) you have all your life ahead, you need to decide carefully and timely. If it is the dysfunction, I wouldnt hope any positive turn. Be out of it asap.
If its the other reason maybe you can work over it and create your own place in his heart with persistent love and care and one day you will win him, who knows.
My hones opinion however will be: You have life only once, dont waste it away for people who may not deserve. Patience compromise sacrifice all sound heavenly but we are human beings. We deserved to be loved and cared too.
Faithful friend - divorce is not the end of the world. Now having said this I really don't want you to rush into divorce. Like some people have said give this situation some time. He will not remain like that for long too wait for him to take some action and when he does then you decide what you should do next. Consult your parents then. Right now I know how much u r suffering and I can feel your pain but if you don't give this marriage a chance they will put all the blame on you and I am quite sure your family will also blame you for not having patience. Try your best. Do keep your parents informed.
Honestly I don't feel that your husband will change not in a few months atleast he has got some serious issues and he does not care about you at all. But still I would say try. I wish you good luck
I was married at 19 and to a complete stranger because it happens like this in our family .......
and i tried to communicate buh he was so reserved and all the time on phone too it was me to talk, i told this to my mother too before marriage buh she has no such thing like him loving someone else in her mind so she was all to say hes a "shareef larka" so he dint try to do any such thing , n btw i cried at that time too because he was so reserved n i m kind of easy going person n i have tons n tons of friends out there besides there is a big age gap too between us , he is soon turning into 28, so i was like he is too old n reserved for me still I married him him cause of family....
I always make dua that may love and understanding grow and flourish between us....
About education i dont know why he doesnt stand up in front of his parents , i literally begged and got the permission from his parents to carry on with my education and only after a week he said now u cant continue n if u want to study go to ur dads place and 'jitna parhna hai parho '.....