Miserable, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

Lifestyle Relationships
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I hope someone here can offer me some advice because I am on the verge of breaking down completely. This is really my last hope for some insight into what to do and..I just need help.

A few months back I met this guy. Neither one of us is intersted in having a fling and from the outset we agreed this would one day lead to marriage as we were/are in love. He ticked all the boxes back then: pakistani, educated, shareef. He still is all these things but a few cracks have started to appear in the perfect picture:

  1. Whenever we have an argument on msn he proceeds to save the conversations and then brings them to show me whenever I see him. I guess to show me what a horrible person I am.

  2. Yes, I have a slight past. Nothing major- just a few weeks of getting to know a guy before him to see if it could work long-term. It obviously didnt. But the person I am with now loves holding it against me- how much it hurts him that I was communicating with some other guy etc etc etc. Once again, I am a horrible person.

  3. He is unable to tell his parents about us for anywhere between another 1.5- 2 years. I’m not getting any younger.

  4. When we argue he pushes me away. My solution is to communicate and solve problems before they get bigger- with everyone, not just him. He just..pushes me away..then keeps getting madder and madder. Until eventually I start blaming myself. Yes, I am horrible.

In all of this I am not saying i’m perfect because I know i’m far from it…but..surely..if your’e in love with someone then all of the above (except maybe 3 shouldnt be happening?)

I have never felt so horrible in my whole life. I have been through so much in the past few years that right now I just wish I was dead. I literally sit on the prayer mat after namaaz and cry and cry when making dua..but for some reason..Allah mian isn’t listening to me..

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thankyou.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

I am not sure what have you been through but rest of the post is just another failed non-connection (cyber perhaps?). Yes I wrote non-connection coz there was no connection at the first place anyway. You have 2 choices

1) Live with it. This is he, love him or hate him but this is he. You cant change him (not before marrying him at least )
2) If you think you can not live with it, move on.

If this is the only problem you have in life, I dont see it a major disaster so much so that one starts praying for his/her death. you want to die for one person and dont wana live for so many other things Allah has blessed you with? For instance, you are breathing while reading this post of mine!

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

Yeah, I'm sorry, he sounds really immature, he can't tell your parents about you? What kind of joke is that? Aa jaatay haiN pyaar karnay lekin phir maa baap ke saamnay phat jaati hai. I'm so sick of these desi mama's boys who go out and start a 'relationship' with someone but refuse to tell their parents. Too often these stories end with heartbreak when the guy married someone else because ammi ji and abbu ji wanted him to and the poor girl is left holding her dreams in her hands.

Move on, he's a child.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

honey.. if this guy does not have the guts to tell his parents about you after this long I don't think he deserves to be with you and waste your time.

Solution 1- If you are madly in love and feel he is the right person for you then your options are limited as you will have to sacrifise and live with his miserable habits.

Solution 2- have a talk with him and explain him how you are feeling and if you are both not on the same page then better to seperate. This will be hard in the beginning but you won't have to feel so miserable on everyday basis.. honestly, the way you are describing yourself is not love at all.. marriage works by both sides putting in the effort and I don't see much effort from his side.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

i'm with aahmed on this one.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply to me. I see him pretty much every day at uni.

Whenever I say to him let's sort out the problem (when an argument arises) he just says he needs space and chooses to maintain distance until HE feels like talking to me.

This will probably sound horrible but recently we were together and had a silly argument. I kept trying and trying to work it out
and pleading with him that we should just FIX IT...but he just remained silent. That day we literally just sat together and I was crying for
a full 7 hours continuous and he STILL wouldn't help me in discussing the problem/issues.

In regards to my past: I didnt even KNOW he EXISTED when I was communicating with this other guy and it wasn't physical either and was over
in less than 7 weeks.

About him telling his parents: he is only a couple of months older than me but I finish uni a full year earlier then he
does and he says that his parents will give a flat-out NO until he has a job and is financially
stable.

Lastly, I guess a big part of me is terrified. What if I get out of this relationship and no one else wants to.
marry me ever? I'm so scared, sad and unhappy. All this is taking its toll on me to the extent that
in the past 1 week iv'e lost 2kg even though I havn't been fasting.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

I have a rule about the past: its none of anyone's business. Its YOUR past, YOUR life, YOUR choices and YOU are the ONLY person who has to live with it and answer for it. How can he even dare to compare his "hurt" to what you must have gone through? How does one become even more hurt than the person who went through it? They dont and its selfish of them to use something in your past to hurt you. This is not love, this is a mind game to gain control over you and belittle you. You know how many people these days dont even bother telling their partners about their pasts? He is lucky you were honest with him and love him so much. His job is to heal your wounds...not make them deeper.

If he is unable to tell his parents about you for another 2 years, it means he isnt serious right now. Tell him to find you in 2 years and you will think about it then...in the meantime...no guarantees.

Some people dont deal with anger well and need to learn how to overcome it in a more constructive manner. He may be one of those people that just doesnt deal with his emotions properly. This wouldnt be a big deal IF he didnt have even bigger issues working against him.

My advice: dump him...you can do much better than this.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

Reha: After I stopped communicating with the other guy I punished myself enough because I felt so guilty- even though as I
said it had been in no way physical. I punished myself to the extent that I made various attempts at killing myself. He is
aware of this...but for some reason...chooses to focus on how much
my past hurts him :(

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

One more thing...when you see a loved one crying and hurt...your first reaction is to go to them and help...right? When your sibling, parent or even best friend is not feeling well...you want to make it better for them.

If he cared about you, he wouldnt sit there while you cried and expressed your pain. He would console you, work with you and try to change things for the better. Thats love...what he is doing is simply controlling you. He makes you believe in the end that its all your fault without so much as even making an effort.

Lastly, you're terrified no one will look your way if you leave him? Why? There are women who are divorced with kids getting remarried and moving on with their lives. Why wouldnt anyone want an educated, shareef girl from a good family?

You need to let him go...he has too emotionall wound up and the longer you stay with him...the longer it will take for you to recover.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

WHY does YOUR past hurt HIM?

WHO is HE to get hurt?

This is so confusing to me...you've made attempts to end your life because you spoke to a guy for 7 weeks and things didnt work?

Ria786...this man is bad news for you. Furthemore, you need to focus on your own life right now...building yourself...accomplishing your goals and improving your self-esteem.

Marriage...especially to this guy...is the last thing you should be focusing on.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

My past...hurts him..because...he's never communicated with a girl before...hence...
he wanted a wife who was as pure as him. Because. I guess that just makes me tainted.
Or something.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

he sounds immature and insecure and hes taking his insecurities out on you.

He is NOT worth your time, you are probably more attached to the relationship than you are to him.

If you are miserable with him and miserable without him, its best to be without him in my opinion.

He sounds typically like some guys who i know from uni, they will twist things around and make you feel guilty and make you say sorry because they are too insecure to take it on the chin and they can never deal with issues head on they bury their heads in the sand.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

oh and do tell him before kicking him out that now HE has a past TOO and he has to live with it and tell him that he should not be angry if his next GF gets "hurt" because of his past....

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

This isnt love...this is control.

Your past is none of his business nor something he has any right to be hurt over. You are NOT tainted and dont ever let anyone tell you that...its just a way to make someone feel bad about themselves.

In addition, if you speaking to a guy for 7 weeks makes you tainted...why is this guy in a relationship with you? Why isnt he getting set up for an arranged marriage?

If your sister was in the same boat, what would you say to her?

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

From reading your post and your responses to the same, this guy will always bring up your past, however irrelevant 7 weeks may be, if you leave him he will come to his senses and realise HE HAS A PAST TOO when he moves on

The only person who has any right to judge you is Allah SWT, no human has the right to make u feel small & why the heck are u still with this guy if he can sit there & watch u cry for 7 hours straight & his heart doesnt melt..??

To LOVE someone is not enough, to CARE for someone means everything

Allah SWT does listen to you when your crying after namaz, but maybe he has a bigger and better plan for u Insha'Allah, dont think about ending ur life for someone who doesnt care but learn to live ur life for the ones who do

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

Sorry but this guy is a complete idiot.

IF you love a girl how can you keep her hidden from your parents???

And how dare he save conversations and show them to you. Its a controling thing.

Your 'past' as reha said is your choice, he probably has flirted with a million girls and more than likely dated them or bedded them.

I don't get if he loves you why not just get a baat paaki and then worry about the wedding 2 years later ? BUT seriously wake up girl do not do THIS , there are so many decent asian pakistani educated shareef guys out there do not fall for the first one who steps your way.

Now on the other hand if he has sisters maybe definitely don't go ahead :(

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

imagine, ur scared, sad, unhappy, losing weight before marriage....*aisi kia museebat hai k u have to marry him!!!

*seriously dump the guy, neither will u die, nor will it be the end of the world

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

very true and stop seeing him plz ur making ur life so hard let him go even if u get married he will always have a RONNY BOTHY sorri imean a crying mad face that u have a past and all that so leave him,dunya may larko ki kammi nahi and ya b zarory nahi kay sab ki shadiya hoty hain make ur a strong women.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can't Take It..Help please..

I feel for you Ria.

It is apparent and as most cases he was perfect at the initial stage. The initial steges of a relatinship are always most exciting for both persons, and where you are both trying to make your best impressions.

It appears he has 'won' you over, and is coming back to his original self.

Regarding your past, if it was an issue it is strange why he went for you.

He does not acknowledge your feelings, especially your 7 hour cry. This is a negative sign.

I agree with AAhmed. It is very immature of him not to tell his parents and continuing with the the same intent for another few years. This is not a good sign. If the relationship is not made important, it will be easy for him to send you that 'text message-dump' if he/whenever he feels is appropriate.

I agree with Reha, he wants control.

You should ask him for a n important sit-down talk. Convey your concerns to him the about his insenstivity and inability to acknowledge your feelins. This is disrespectful, and cointradictory to what is called love.
I always advise before dumping or separating, the other half should be given a chance to understand thier shortcomings.

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Re: Miserbale, Confused and Just Can’t Take It..Help please..

***Ria…the guy sounds like a total loser who is insecure and immature and has been brought up to believe that only he is perfect and everything that happens MUST be someone else’s fault.

I’m sorry but he sounds like a self righteous prig…

These are all RED FLAGS that you should a NOT IGNORE…or you really won’t have anyone to blame but yourself because I think everyone else knows wher this “Relationship” is headed .

You Da Man ! :dhimpak: