MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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Hi everyone…
I have been using this forum and got lots of fab ideas from it for my wedding (which was just over 1 month ago) I have decided to use this forum to vent some anger & frustration and seek some advice!
Let me start, from the start of the wedding…

My husband & I went to school together so have known each other a long time and although we are not related or even of the same culture our families were happy about our marriage - or so it seemed!
After dates of wedding had been decided the walima dress shopping began, this is where the trouble started looking back. My husband told me to choose anything I wanted etc as he knows im really into fashion and had been buying the asiana bridals religiously since the marriage talks began. Anyway, my MIL had other ideas and she ended up buying me the most hideous outfit EVER even after i showed her the style etc i like in so many different shops. There were lots of arguments about this between me and my husband as he was never with us on these shopping trips and he was always told ‘she was there, it was her choice’ when in fact we had received a phone call basically saying meet us at this shop, i need your measurements. My family told me to leave and not to worry about the dress, its just materilalistic it doesnt matter they said so I agreed and moved on. It just so happens the Walima was cancelled and we only ended up having one day!
Next, talk of the Mehr..my MIL told my parents that it is her who would decide and that £1 or £2 is enough, if i want to stay with the family i will whether they give me £1 or £1000 my parents were really shocked and disgusted at this as we believe the Mehr is a gift to the bride from the groom and although i wouldnt dream of demanding anything it is up to me what i ask for and has nothing at all to do with the rest of the family. I spoke to my husband and we agreed that the amount would be kept between us and I told him i was happy with any gift HE wanted to give me.
So my wedding week finally came around and it kicked off with a joint mehndi…both families agreed to a small number of guests which was 100 people in total and the venue was chosen accordingly. The problem was the in laws invited 3 times as many people and the whole evening was a complete disaster. All my family guests had to leave as there was just no where to sit with over 200 people at the venue. Now we have looked over the photographs and surprise surprise there are only a handful of pictures of my side and there is not a single picture of my dad which is just disgusting. They refused to admit they had invited way too many people and my MIL even had the cheek to ask my mum how many guests we had invited!!!
So, the wedding day arrived and thank god it went smoothly, right up until the rukhsati. It was agreed that I would leave from home but on the day my MIL told my mum ‘everyone wants to see the rukhsati, you need to do it from here’ my mum was adament not to give in and my husband spoke to his parents and we agreed it would happen from home. We left the venue and headed home, they were supposed to follow but they never did. Rukhsati happened and not one member of his family was there, just my husband and I left to go back to his family home. When we got there his mum humilated me making several comments about me not being from the same background as them. I kept quiet and continued to listen as I was already really upset having left my parents not even an hour earlier.
My aunt, uncle and friend left the house (they had come to drop me off) and as they did my MIL had a huge argument with them, she said some really horrible things about my mum and told them she would ‘sort her out’. This was all because the food in the hall was given to some of the last guests, one of whom was my uncle and they had taken it all to our house saying they will share between the two families in the morning. She told my friend that the food should be sent back to her right now and not in the morning. This was now after midnight! All of this happened without me or my husband knowing although we knew something was going on as we heard the commotion.

We went off on honeymoon, had a lovely time and returned two weeks later. By this time I had been told by my friend about the incident on the wedding day and I had told my husband about it and he knew how upset I was and he was upset too at the way his mum behaved.

I stayed at the in laws house for 4 days and in that time I visited my mum once, my MIL was really reluctant to let me visit my mum and she tried to stop me but I went regardless.
I didn’t receive 1 gift from them, no clothes, no jewellery and no gold. I know clothes were bought because my husband paid for everything even though the MIL chose it all. All the gifts we gave them are dumped in the corner of their spare room and theyve not communicated with my family once since the wedding day.
Traditionally in my culture the bride goes home for a week or a fortnight and then she is collected by the in laws..the day I before I was leaving my MIL stopped me and told me I couldnt go because she had arranged to visit some relatives. I agreed to leave the day after this visit and let my mum know who was absolutely heart broken as they’d been waiting for me to go and stay with them.
The day finally came to go back to my mums, before I left my MIL decided to argue with me about another arrangement made prior to the wedding. I run an online business and my husband agreed that it is best for me to continue working from my parents home as I have my workspace set up here and there is no space at his house for me to work from. She gave me an earful about how i’d be causing ‘bezti’ and added it was on my parents not on her, she went on and on insulting me and ended it with ‘if theres that much space at your parents house you can stay there, it makes no difference to me’
I was so shocked and upset, my parents have never even raised their voices at me for no reason like that and this woman was shouting and saying all these horrible things to me. When I got in the car to go home i broke down and told my husband everything that just happened. When I got home I sobbed and told my parents who were really angry aswell.

Now it has been 2 weeks that i have been here and tomorrow i should be going back. I really dont want to go back, I cant stand the sight of that family but I feel sorry for my husband who is living there. Ive tried to persuade him to get our own place, even to rent and my parents have even offered him financial support (he is broke at the moment as he was made to pay for the whole wedding) Understandably he doesnt want to rely on my parents and he keeps telling me he just needs time..
Should I go back and continue to come here to work? Should I stay here until my husband finds us somewhere to live? I dont know what to do :frowning: I have only been married 5 weeks and already my MIL is being like this and making my life hell, all those little things she did at the start of the wedding we ignored then it got worse and worse and now this.

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

stay at your parents. your MIL is a nutbar- no reasoning with people like that. tell your husband to suck it up and move out of his parents house and into yours. when you've both saved up enough, you can get your own place.

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

I agree with SGC, but I've seen such cases before. And what usually follows after all this is that the husband starts to change colours - he is after all a son too.

So be nice to him, and don't talk bad about your MIL unnecessarily in front of him. You've alerted him with the situation, that's enough. You don't want him thinking that you are creating a fuss. I'm glad your husband is with you..do keep in mind that no guy can listen to arguments against his mother all the time..

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

i agree with n7111.....u shld go bk...and continue coming to ur parents place for work...you have to bare all this for sometime and shld gv out sometime to ur husband to arrange something...hes stuck in the middle..
your MIL is insane......a lady who dint care about you on the first day or your parents...she won't change thats for sure. but you need to have patience at this time...let her bark and don't respond...keep doing what you feel like doing...keep this attitude till you move from here.
you have to spend you life with ur husand so you shldnt give him any chance to complain that when his mum ws wrong...you weren't right either...you always answered bck...so stay quite...show your patience.... make a plan to move out and then get out of tht mad house.

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

I think you should stay at your parents house otherwise you'll just be miserable. =/ where do you live? Pakistan?

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

^ staying at ur in laws wont pacify ur mother in law , it will just be a power trip .

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MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

Its kinda like a no win situation if u stay at ur parents your mil will fill your hubbys ears in and just moan moan moan if you go back she will do the same. Just go back initially and atleast you have the safety of going back to your parents for work and u and hubby can spend as much time as you like away from your in laws home your newly married go out and enjoy yourself! If your mil says stuff to u i think just for a while say nothing dont rise to her itl aggravate her more! And it will start to make her think she says nothing back, if it gets worser do speak up and stand up for urself, does she do it infront of your hubby??

As for the gifts why dont u take charge go in the spare room and open the gifts out, and if shes acting like she dont want them take what you want from
It and make use of it! Ur mil sounds like a nutcase! I know u said ur hubbys broke but u both need to start saving on the side and move out asap! 5 weeks and shes acting like this i cant imagine what it would be like for years to come!

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

Exactly what I was trying to say. You should go back to your in laws I would suggest. Don't flare up the whole situation by staying back..In laws (especially a nut case like your MIL) look for such acts from the bahu's side to exaggerate and tell everyone that she was the one who created all this 'fasaad'..

Thora sa sabar aur bardaasht, it will take you a long way! Silence is the best thing in such situations. Your husband will always be thankful if you be patient while he arranges a new home for you two (or tries to make the situation better). Never give anyone a chance to call you bad or 'badtameez'..

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

yeah right....things will get worse if you stay at your parents and what if that mad lady changes her sons mind...brain washing u know...so just go bck.
act wise to get things in your favour...best of lluck

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

if she can change her son's mind so easily maybe he isn't the right guy for you either.
what has he suggested as a solution?

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I would have slapped my MIL if she treated me like that...but then again, I'm not married so maybe my mentality will change :P
I don't think running away from the problem is the solution. Stay at your in laws house and don't give that witch another reason to hate on you. What culture are you?

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

Go back, you have to. You can't leave your husband like that. if you don't go back they will have this taunt for you " 4 din baad hi ghar chali gayi". Go back, give them the reason so they know WHY exactly you left. They will treat you the same, bare with it and your husband will realize the best option for you two is to leave.

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

I don't think staying with your parents will help at all honestly :(

I think if anything it will show your MIL that you're weak and she can scare. Eventually, she will go further and create bigger issues between you and hubby. You ignored her before, did it work? No. What makes you think it will work this time? It won't.

Go back. Do not do battameezi with her because that's wrong no matter what the situation. But go back and stay there for as long as it takes until you guys are able to move out. If you show her she doesn't scare you....eventually she will shut up. She won't love you but she will give up knowing she doesn't scare you.

Your husband sounds like he is on your side and cares for you. Do this for him.

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

so many women "give up" their sanity/stability because they are new brides and because they are afraid of public backlash/taunts & very few get the support/appreciation from the husbands eventually. It's more like an entitlement that they feel they have, "*so u did what all women do , no big deal".

I hope if u do go back to ur in laws then ur hubby appreciates u for it. Because it will emotionally tax u & in the long run will cause a strain btw u n ur hubby's relationship no matter how much u might not want it to.At the end of the day it's his mother and there is only so much he can fault her for.
*

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

I know you are here to vent and all, but im going to take this oppertunity to say that there is ALWAYS 2 sides to a story...this is yours...no1 is a nut case without a reason!

also...she is his mother, regardless of anything she does you should go back home suck it up, seek guidance from Allah and he will help you, InshAllah it is a test, you need to deal with the situation rather than looking for a way out...and getting him to move out is only going to ruin his akhira....May Allah subhanwatallah help you, Ameen :)

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

^Unfortunately some ppl can just be 'difficult'..

I think this needs to be in Life + Relationships.. Can a mod move it pls..

Imo you should go back and live with your inlaws **if **there's some hope of change, otherwise you risk being stuck in this situation for months or even years.. Try and keep working, it will keep you sane and give you some sort of security so your MIL won't be sitting there thinking you will have to put up with whatever she throws at you cos you have no other choice..

If your inlaws aren't old or lonely there's no harm in your husband moving out later on.. If money is an issue wait for your husband to get back on his feet financially and be as supportive as you can..

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

Thanks guys, ive been reading all the replies and taking peoples points into consideration!
Just to clarify, I didnt EVER argue back or even speak to her rudely as however evil a person she is I respect the fact she is my elder and my husbands mother...
Someone mentioned there are two sides to each story, very true but unfortunately my MIL is a liar so her version of the story changes one second to the next.

She was, not long ago, very ill - i wont go into too much detail as this is not my business but she was on her death bed and her illness still hangs over her although at the moment nobody knows what will happen next. We were putting alot of her stupid behaviour down to this..we all know people react differently to situations theyre put in by life and we always thought she is ill so she has become somewhat bitter.

So there's yet another twist to this, i feel like my marriage into this family was a HUGE mistake now as much as I love my husband I didn't realise the extent of his families hate towards me and my family.

My husband broke the news to his dad, who is apparantly unaware of his wifes behaviour towards me, and told him he wouldnt bring me back to their house reason being the 4 days and what she said/did to me and also that he was looking for a place we can live together. A few hours later we get a phone call from my husbands BIL who also happens to be MILs nephew, he spoke to my dad about coming over etc and didnt give any reason..they were negotiating the time when he started to get angry at my dad who wouldnt agree to the specific time they wanted to come over and it blew up into an argument with the BIL speaking to my dad, who is the age of his own dad, very rudely. From that we could guess what was coming next!
They arrived apparently to take me back but the minute they entered my MIL started shouting her head off and accusing us of all being liars. My husband, my mum and I all spoke the truth and she told lie after lie for 2 hours straight. She denied ever telling me not to come back and also said it was my choice if I chose to work from my dads house that was fine. *The BIL, my SIL and FIL all stuck up for the mum and joined in with the lies.
At the end she contradicted herself and basically gave me the ultimatum again, work from our house or dont come back and added you were supposed to be looking after me. *I think I should just add, when my MIL was extremely ill we went out of our way to help her out as much as we could and her own daughters continued going to work etc leaving her at home alone. Everyone has work commitments but here in the UK we all also get compassionate leave in such circumstances and we all get holidays which we can take - not one of her children or her husband decided to do this. Yet now she now expects that I will stay with her and look after her and my SIL's baby and work in between all this.
*My husband said in front of everyone that he was going to stick by his decision because as he had predicted nothing would be resolved like this, I think it's gone beyond that...at the moment anyway.
My MIL made some more very stupid comments about her owning me now as I married her son blah blah blah - her thoughts are so backward its unreal. Looks can be deceiving as if you saw this family you wouldnt dream they'd be so ignorant. She made it clear that she didnt like me going to my parents house too! *Her own daughter lives two doors away and she is always in the house, except of course when she needed her she was nowhere to be seen.

My parents are absolutely devasted and shocked at the extent of this families lies but they were adament I was going to be dictated to or treated like a slave by my MIL. I'm their only daughter and we have a very good relationship mA.

I feel so upset right now and shocked, I always used to speak openly to my SIL before the wedding and she always assured me that she would always be there for me and my husband if we ever needed anything but her behaviour yesterday just showed they were all lies and infact when it comes down to it she doesnt care about truth/lies she will blindly side with the one who shouts loudest and my husbands BIL was the same but he's stuck so far up her backside he cant think for himself anymore *he lives in his FIL's house at the moment (the house a couple of doors away is owned by the FIL and they recently moved in and put their own house up for rent hence the head stuck up the arse!!)

*My husband has made his decision but he is still unsure and I notice him behaving a little differently since yesterday which leads me to believe he blames me and feels like he's leaving his family for me...after everything that has happened in front of him he still feels like that - i know i am assuming this but i think i know him well enough to do so :(

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

^ i'm sorry :/ you're in a very difficult position, but i think everyone's behaviour has made the next steps clear for you. speak to your husband openly and calmly about all of this and tell him how you feel. if he agrees with you re: blaming you and feeling unhappy about leaving his family, then i think you probably need to look at the bigger picture and consider ending your marriage. i really don't see things improving anytime soon for you given they're ALL nutbars, not just your MIL, and if your husband is blaming you, well, then, i'm sorry but there isn't much there that is worth saving either. better to cut ties now and move on with your life, rather than give up more time to this family and their issues, all the while going through immense amounts of stress yourself. it would be one thing if they were amenable to normal, calm, sane conversation but all this yelling and screaming and drama baazi behaviour just doesn't leave any other course open to you or your family.

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Re: MIL troubles :frowning: 4 weeks into marriage

FOA, your MIL is very pathetic. I pity your FIL.

Secondly, You should go back. Most women have to face problems in early days of their marriage, whether because of Inlaws or adjusting with husband. In your case, you already know, its your Inlaws OR especially your MIL, believe me, telling you from my personal experience, living with them will help you more knowing them and teach you how to handle them. You cant just run away from problems. You will have to face them.. Every girl does. There are girls, who suffer a lot more than what you wrote (but I understand your situation too). Most importantly, you should not leave your husband alone and you shouldn’t also give any chance to your MIL to speak rubbish about you with your husband. Don’t forget, afterall she is his mother and she knows well how to control her son. What if she says, ''dekh lo kaam ki khaatir tumhara bhi khayal nahin, chor ke chali gayee, etc etc" so believe me, patharr p bhi paani parta rahay to usme bhi suraakh ho hi jata hay.. wo to phir insaan hay!! He can make himself understand 1 time, 2 times, 3 times… but then?? Jab usay aik hi baat kahti jaati rahay gi, to one day he will be annoyed too!!

Your primary motive is to make your husband happy and also in your control. Now control here doesn’t mean like dominate him or lead him, its about you should know how to make him listen your side too…and it can only happen if you care about him too!! your care should be, to be with him!! You should trust him, if he loves you, he will take stand for you!! When he will see you are being polite with his mother, he will have more respect for you. Also, polite doesnt mean to stay quiet, its always other ways too to sort out the problems, by polite I meant, not to shout like her.. obviously you can make her listen logically and you should! BUT.. never misbehave or shout, atleast these beginning years are really very delicated & fragile!! You have to be extra-cautious, for you are being judged everytime, every moment, every second!! Every girl does!!

Moreover, you didnt mention how many family members do you have in your inlaws? Do you have devar nand etc?? how many? elders? youngers??

Best of luck :flowers:

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Re: MIL troubles :( 4 weeks into marriage

DON'T MOVE BACK

I know it must be difficult but you have to talk to your husband and see where he stands. Would he sacrifice his family in order for you to have some respect and love?