MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Last time I spoke to my MIL on the phone was in a kind of argument. I didn’t shout or anything, but I was in a way forced to put the phone down while she was talking… after which I realised I shouldn’t have done that, picked the phone up again and apologised. She then proceeded to tell me how she was not happy I cut her ‘baat’, how she didn’t like it and how I should never do it again. I quietly listened. Then she hung up on me.

That was the last time we spoke. I tried ringing again a couple of times in the past two weeks but no-one picked up.

Now, the problem is, my husband said to me that my MIL has been depressed for the past two weeks. She is always crying and apparently wails out her sons (my husband’s) name in her sleep. My husband says it’s my fault and I should apologise for my behaviour.

This is not the first time this has happened. My MIL has ‘fallen ill’ a few times throughout our marriage, and I have had to suffer the consequences each time. The thing is, our phone conversation was not in any way something over which one should get ill. If anything, I should be the one upset because she started saying things about my family and I was quietly listening! TBH it doesn’t matter to me much what she says, because at the end of the day she is a MIL and will never have my best intentions at heart. What I am upset about is that my husband has taken action against ME in this case.

Just to make things clear, the first time he blamed me for his mother’s health, he did not speak to me for 4 days. The second time this happened, he made me leave my home for 3 weeks. Now our situation has changed because I am pregnant with his child…and yet here he is blaming me again. I have said to him that I will phone her, I am sorry she is ill and I will make dua for her, and ask about her health, but I have said to please not blame me, as this causes a dysfunctional relationship! How can I feel safe in our relationship when every time his mother cries he puts the blame on his wife? I don’t know what to do!

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Stop having long conversations with his mom. Only talk to her when he's there. No need to bond with her on ur own time. When ur done asking about the weather, say Challain Mae unko daiti hoon phone yay baat karna chah rahay Haen, wait kar rahain Haen, oh may bathroom say aati hoon, oh Mae haandi Mae chamcha Chala k aati hoon etc etc and hand it to ur husband, let him do all the talking. Just refuse to let the conversation go anywhere there could be a conflict. If there's any decision making conversation don't try to do it on the spot, end it with Ji dekhtay Haen, discuss it with ur husband, and let him talk it out with them. It could go ur way or not, but at all costs avoid direct conflicts.
If he gives u lines like kabhi ammi Ko call kar liya Karo or he wants u to have long detailed conversations with her then tell him k ur always worried when ur talking to her that she might take something u said in the wrong way and u don't want to bother her and make her tabiyat kharaab. U say this is ur way of trying to get on her good side and u dont want to give her any more grief then u already have. Waesay I think some of these mils pull the adult equivalent of when kids say mama maeray pait Mae dard hae maenay school nahi jaana. I hardly think devious mils ever really bother what their dils think about anything and just want to play it up for some attention to a useless conversation/minor conflict.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

IF it's not possible for you to apologize to your MIL in person, then do it on the phone in the presence of your husband and turn the speaker phone on. This way your husband will not only witness your apology and the manner in which it was done, it also allows him to hear his mother's response. If your saas responds rudely to you or hangs up on you......or better yet.....if she starts trashing your parents.................it will be heard by your husband. This will hopefully open his eyes and maybe humble him a bit. If MIL responds civilly on the phone, that's fine. Having your husband present and turning on the speaker phone will leave your MIL little room to exaggerate or fabricate about the tone/content/manner of your apology. This will help to sort of halt the drama. This strategy can be like a protective measure for you....and if Allah knows your MIL to be in the wrong.....He may bring the truth to your husband's attention.

I do believe you need to calmly address your husband's style of managing conflicts with him. I know we have only your side of the story to go by, but I was rather irked reading about his former methods of "resolution."

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Please tell her to go here: https://www.facebook.com/events/131901583613142/

Seriously?? SMH

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Excellent lines! Will totally use these! Yes I think short and sweet is always best - the less you say the less chance for conflict.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

RV - I wish I could make husband see sense, but he kind of worships her. To the point that when I told him she hung up on me (he was IN THE ROOM when it happened) he refused to believe it and said it's not possible. Also, he HEARD his mother trashing my parents but he says I take it the wrong way. She has said stuff to me about how expensive the jewellery they bought me is, how I'm lucky to have a husband like her son, she even said she has seen her son is not happy with me and suggested we get divorced lol, but whatever I say to my husband, he just defends her. So I don't bother a) paying attention to what she says, and b) making him aware of how it makes me feel, because both routes are unfortunately redundant. I've learned to suck it up and ignore her. What irks me is how HE treats me, because at the end of the day he is my husband and I have to live with HIM don't I?

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

This to me is the most worrying line from your post. Your husband sounds like a complete bully, and kicking you out of the house is nothing short of abuse. You've sort of implied that the reason he hasn't made you leave home this time is only because you're pregnant.

You should take a firmer stand in your own relationship with your husband. I know it's going to be hard, but stop bending over backwards to please him and his mom. You've done your job by apologizing. There is nothing else you can do. Is there an elder in the family you talk about this to? Preferably someone whom your husband trusts. He needs to understand that his pregnant wife's health may be affected as a result of this constant stress. If things gets worse, I'd suggest taking a break from everything and spending a few weeks with your own family. Perhaps you can get them to mediate?

Good luck, I hope things get better.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Maybe you should wail your MILs name in your sleep. Then your husband will be all "omg wife u are so upset bout da fight wit my mum maybe u are right its not ur fault. i love u"

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Lol!

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

why don't you fall ill as well. And blame it on the MIL. That you are depressed they she doesnt love you and talk to you...while your carry their grandchild. Stop talking to him if she says anything. BUT do not leave the house. Stay with your husband... and show him your equally hurt. See what he does.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

And i would stop having long conversation with the MIL as well. Talk to her only on skype if needed...little to no time on the phone.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Please stop talking to this woman...keep it short and sweet. She sounds like trouble and there will be no nice way of handling her that will make her happy short of you leaving her son.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

^THIS!!

Try to minimise your convos with her ant instead only speak when your hubbys present because atleast then he has NO reason to think your the root cause to every ache and pain that his mother experiences....Jeeze I hope my MIL is not like that

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MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

there are too many husbands who will do this. They want peace between both for their existence so they will pick on the "weaker" or the one they can somehow bend. Many hubbies think that if their mom is somehow mad then something bad will happen to them or Allah (Swt) will be mad at them. This is learned behavior. How long have you been married? If it is early on in your marriage then your saas has more leverage. This will eventually shift in your favor after kids and some hardships .

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

He kicked you out of your house for three weeks? Did I read that properly? In addition to all of the good advice you've already gotten, please consider (if you don't have it already), setting up a separate bank account for yourself. Do you have a job? Make sure your check gets deposited into your bank account and that he can't touch it. I know it sounds cold but kicking you out of YOUR OWN MARITAL HOME is way colder and you need to start thinking pragmatically, especially with baby on the way. Not trying to alarm you. Now is NOT the time to be alarmed. It is the time to be eating right, sleeping often, and stressing minimally. But his method of conflict resolution is NOT cool and only Allah knows if he'll be able to change. You have little control over that. Work on the things that you can control

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Yikes. Scary.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Hi,

I am not belittling any of the things said by the OP, but since I am having the same kind of situation in my home, I can easily relate to this. In my case, I have seen things with my own eyes that go on in my home. If your husband is blaming you for no reason at all, then he is completely wrong, but instead of taking counter measures, love and smile can win his heart. Another important ingredient that my father always tells me is to pray to Allah that who ever is wrong amongst all in the relationship, should be corrected and they see their faults.

I know from my experience, that my wife always say that she is being normal with my mother and always happy, but I know as I can see, that she is always having a bad mood.

If you are right in what happened, as we havent heard the story of the other side, then what ever happened is wrong. But, there is one thing that I can clearly see here, which being a son who loves her mother as well as wife, would advise. You have a highway to your husbands loyalty and love, and that is through your mother in laws love. If she is happy, your husband will be your slave. I know you might have differences with your in-laws, and from what I understand is that you dont live together, I would suggest you to win your mother in laws heart. Its not as easy as it sounds, but this is the highway to happiness for all.

I do not agree with some of the suggestions, but offcourse, I might be biased, or have my own opinions. If you want to win your husband, win a smile of your saas. I dont know, what will make her happy, may be something like a short call saying that I am making this specially for you son because he likes it and stuff.

The only thing that can set things straight is a curve, SMILE

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

same statement my husband gives me. all I say is, only wife put an effort to keep her relation healthy and a husband puts a **** to make it worse by helping his family. sorry for opinion, but Im facing same situation and fed up of such advices.

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

I try to avoid long convos with the MIL because she starts questioning what I’m doing and how I’m doing it, then will always have ‘advice’ to give me. But my husband is always trying to make me talk with her. My husband is over-sensitive when it comes to his mum, and even if I DO talk to her he will get angry at me if he thinks I was not ‘happy enough’ (bit like what the person above has described with his wife).

As far as pretending to be ill goes, I don’t need to pretend! This stuff gets me so down my health DOES deteriorate! I mentioned in another post I’ve lost loads of weight since my wedding friends and family members are always making remarks yeh to dieting kerti hai etc, I used to love walking everywhere and now I don’t have the strength to take even a short walk (granted, the pregnancy plays a factor, but even before getting pregnant I’ve lost all energy to do things) and all this has happened because of the stress of the in-laws situation, and the push I face from husband to bend to them.

My MIL called my husband in the middle of the night again crying. When I asked him what’s wrong he said oh she’s crying because of us…he tries to make me feel unnecessarily guilty, when she physically has no problem! And when it comes to my health problems, I’ve tried to tell him it’s because of stress, but he completely disregards this and instead will be like, why haven’t you tried this medicine, why haven’t you gone to this doctor?

nitrousisloo101 - the key to my husband’s heart may well be to get on his mother’s good side, but what about HIM trying to win ME over? Why can’t he trust me enough to know that I don’t have the capacity to make his mother ill! Why does he have to FORCE the perfect relationship when it’s clearly not happening?

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Re: MIL gets sick - I get blamed! What can I do?

Hi,

I might not be right person as I do not have the experience, but a lot of people here would be in a better position to comment or advise.

Dont get me wrong, but clearly there is no winner here, you are ill, your mother in law is crying and calling her son in the middle of night, your husband is fighting with you. The thing is that its the over all stress that is getting you all, and the only person who has the key to lock the evil and unlock happiness is you.

How does your husband treat you otherwise, he seems to be showing some concern about your health? There should be one thing that will be good about him!