redvelvet. I read every word of yours so carefully. And I tahnkyou for being so thoughtful and considerate. No she is not jealous. She is too young than me for that. I didnt really mean to complain about anything to my fiance. He is a wonderful person and very much understanding to. Its just I share with him whenever I m upset do I just felt like... but I understand he might feel bad.
Renee,
TRUST ME.......this girl is jealous. You seem to think that a 20 year old girl is a bachi. Trust me.......20 is young.....but it's not a "bachi" type age that she's not capable of being jealous. U think 20 is too young to be jealous?
Jealousy doesn't have an age limit, Renee. I work with children.....I've seen even little kids in preschool get jealous because they think they are receiving less attention than someone. I've seen teenagers get jealous too. This girl is TWENTY.........that is NOT too young to get jealous.
I know that you said you also have a younger sister that is 20 and is much better behaved. But the reason why your sister is more respectful is because she is not spoiled. And keep in mind that not all sisters are the same. Just because your sister is nice........doesn't mean that another person's sister will also be the same. Everyone has a different personality even if they are the same age.
Aur tum "spoiled" ka matlab nahin samajh rahi. Spoiled ka matlab "bhigaar na." Maybe your sister-in-law is so "laadli" in her family....that har kisi kay laad pyaar ne us ko thora sa bighaar diya hai. I've seen this happen in young children as well. When parents spoil and papmer their children too much and don't set any boundaries/limits/consequences......the children can become disrespectful. Every family is different. Ho sakta hai k in your in-laws family....this girl has been given more freedom to behave however she wants because she is the "laadli."
Look, you haven't even entered into your in-laws' family yet. And if you've always been nice to this girl......then what reason does she have to dislike you? It seems like jealousy....she doesn't want to share the attention with someone else. OR ......the other reason could be as **Sadzzz **suggested....that she is a very shy person and takes time to become comfortable around others.
Or perhaps this girl is very close to her brother (the guy you are marrying). And she's jealous that her favorite brother will be giving more attention to YOU.
You said that your fiance lives abroad. Does he plan to bring you over to the country where he works in the future? Or will you permanently live with your in-laws? Talk to your sister-in-law. After the shadi, you'll have more time to get to know her and things could get better then. If not.........then try to relax. Your fiance's other sisters and his parents like you. And one day the youngest will get married and you'll have more space.
redvelvet. I read every word of yours so carefully. And I tahnkyou for being so thoughtful and considerate. No she is not jealous. She is too young than me for that. I didnt really mean to complain about anything to my fiance. He is a wonderful person and very much understanding to. Its just I share with him whenever I m upset do I just felt like... but I understand he might feel bad.
Renee,
TRUST ME.......this girl is jealous. You seem to think that a 20 year old girl is a bachi. Trust me.......20 is young.....but it's not a "bachi" type age that she's not capable of being jealous. U think 20 is too young to be jealous?
Jealousy doesn't have an age limit, Renee. I work with children.....I've seen even little kids in preschool get jealous because they think they are receiving less attention than someone. I've seen teenagers get jealous too. This girl is TWENTY.........that is NOT too young to get jealous.
I know that you said you also have a younger sister that is 20 and is much better behaved. But the reason why your sister is more respectful is because she is not spoiled. And keep in mind that not all sisters are the same. Just because your sister is nice........doesn't mean that another person's sister will also be the same. Everyone has a different personality even if they are the same age.
Aur tum "spoiled" ka matlab nahin samajh rahi. Spoiled ka matlab "bhigaar na." Maybe your sister-in-law is so "laadli" in her family....that har kisi kay laad pyaar ne us ko thora sa bighaar diya hai. I've seen this happen in young children as well. When parents spoil and papmer their children too much and don't set any boundaries/limits/consequences......the children can become disrespectful. Every family is different. Ho sakta hai k in your in-laws family....this girl has been given more freedom to behave however she wants because she is the "laadli."
Look, you haven't even entered into your in-laws' family yet. And if you've always been nice to this girl......then what reason does she have to dislike you? It seems like jealousy....she doesn't want to share the attention with someone else. OR ......the other reason could be as **Sadzzz **suggested....that she is a very shy person and takes time to become comfortable around others.
Or perhaps this girl is very close to her brother (the guy you are marrying). And she's jealous that her favorite brother will be giving more attention to YOU.
You said that your fiance lives abroad. Does he plan to bring you over to the country where he works in the future? Or will you permanently live with your in-laws? Talk to your sister-in-law. After the shadi, you'll have more time to get to know her and things could get better then. If not.........then try to relax. Your fiance's other sisters and his parents like you. And one day the youngest will get married and you'll have more space.
she s insecure , jealous , n she cant contain that as she doent know how ? she s not that young that she cant contain her jealousy , may be shes showing these jestures coz she wants to convey the msg 2 u that she d behave as she like n get away with it n there s nothin u can do abt it.
always remember ............ u r inlaws can never never be ur family , they cant even be ur friend ............. so have zero expectation........... n dont try 2 be friends with them it never works .............. just try n maintain a working relationship n try not to think abt it too much .
if you were 20, and u had an older bhabhi... would u be jealous? seriously, why would u be jealous? pls explain the thought process of a 20 yr old who is studying, having her daily mood swings... and yes, getting jealous of her brother's to be wife
maybe she just doesnt feel like talking. Just maybe she cant be bothered with all the niceness. Jealousy is a huge curse... it comes in par with hatred.
we dont know anything bout the SIL. We dont even know what she has said or done. So please, be a little wister in helping the thread opener out. There might be other issues at hand. If she ends up believing its jealousy, it could cause other issues.
if you were 20, and u had an older bhabhi... would u be jealous? seriously, why would u be jealous? pls explain the thought process of a 20 yr old who is studying, having her daily mood swings... and yes, getting jealous of her brother's to be wife
How are age and jealousy related? Asking the questions "would you be jealous?" ...what does that prove? People are individuals....even in regards to how they handle their emotions. Just because one person might not jealous of an older bhabi does not mean that another person will also not be jealous. People don't have to isolate their feelings, Sadzzz. It's possible for a person to deal with studying, mood swings, AND also be jealous. I've taught teenagers........girls younger than 20....who can study.....display mood swings toward others......and behave catty out of jealousy. And ya know what? I HAVE seen girls get jealous of their bhabis. It's kind of like a MIL getting jealous of the idea of her son giving more attention to his wife than to her. People can be jealous of a variety of things such as beauty, intelligence, material things, accomplishments.....and even attention. It can stem from insecurity.
It's possible that the girl is shy.But the poster has mentioned that she behaves rudely....snapping "shut up" to her own sister, etc. Maybe she struggles with socializing. ** But the "jealous" guess is not impossible either. And we ALL have jealousy in us that rears its ugly head at one point or another. It's a human emotion. It's not some taboo topic that shouldn't be talked about. In order to discuss positive ways to deal with the possibility of jealousy....one has to bring up the word : jealousy. Nobody is saying that this girl is a bad person. And people have their theories about why she's acting a certain way AND they're also giving suggestions for how to deal with it.
**
maybe she just doesnt feel like talking. Just maybe she cant be bothered with all the niceness. Jealousy is a huge curse... it comes in par with hatred.
It can come with hatred. It might not. It could simply be resentment for not having what someone else has. One can envy even their loved ones for the smallest of things. I envy my sister's beautiful hair.......I don't hate her.
we dont know anything bout the SIL. We dont even know what she has said or done. So please, be a littlewister in helping the thread opener out. There might be other issues at hand. If she ends up believing its jealousy, it could cause other issues.
I've said that she could be jealous. I've even said that she could be shy. I've even said that she could struggle with socializing. I've also given suggestions about how to deal with the situation. My suggestions did not include dramatic or mean or vengeful tactics. The word "jealousy" is not bad. It's not taboo. It's a human emotion. And if it can't be talked about openly as a possibility....then it can't be dealt with properly. Being jealous doesn't make one bad. If u see that someone is jealous of you....you might even try to find ways to connect with them and make them feel more secure. I don't think that sticking to nice sounding probabilities equates with being wise. It's wise to be brave enough to consider even those possibilities that may not seem as "pleasant." This is not about invalidating theories. People have different ideas based on their observations and experiences.
thats all fine redvelvet. All i am saying is we dont know anything about this SIL.
Give her some benefit of doubt.
I have a younger sis too and she can be reserved and all moody as well. But i would hardly classify that as jealousy. And only because, I know her.
Noone knows this SIL.
and yes, thanks for pointing my spelling mistake out.
Sadzzz,
I do not know what "spelling mistake" you're talking about. I was not even looking for any spelling mistakes in your post. And I had no desire to point out anything from spite. If I've highlighted a word or phrase from your post....it was to discuss that word as a point/topic. NOT to bring attention to spelling. My apologies if I have unintentionally given you that impression. I can go back and reread my post to see what you're talking about....and then I can fix my mistake. And when one is typing, it's normal to make all kinds of mistakes here and there.
And in my previous posts...I have even highlighted your name giving credence to your idea that this girl may very well indeed be shy.
My mentioning the possibility of her being shy....or laadli....or having socialization problems was my way of ALSO trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.
she s insecure , jealous , n she cant contain that as she doent know how ? she s not that young that she cant contain her jealousy , may be shes showing these jestures coz she wants to convey the msg 2 u that she d behave as she like n get away with it n there s nothin u can do abt it.
always remember ............ u r inlaws can never never be ur family , they cant even be ur friend ............. so have zero expectation........... n dont try 2 be friends with them it never works .............. just try n maintain a working relationship n try not to think abt it too much .
she s insecure , jealous , n she cant contain that as she doent know how ? she s not that young that she cant contain her jealousy , may be shes showing these jestures coz she wants to convey the msg 2 u that she d behave as she like n get away with it n there s nothin u can do abt it.
always remember ............ u r inlaws can never never be ur family , they cant even be ur friend ............. so have zero expectation........... n dont try 2 be friends with them it never works .............. just try n maintain a working relationship n try not to think abt it too much .
She is just a 20 year old kid and she is being a kid of her age. She will mature with her age. A matured behavior cannot be expected out of her.
saddzz: I think you didnt read my posts attentively. I had no problem with her being reserved, moody or shy. There is a difference between a shy or moody and an unruly and messy behaviour. Moreover, guppies, I didnt start this thread here as a poll in favour/ against/ guessing at what kind of person she is. My concern is our mutual relations for my own peace of mind. Definitely everyone likes to live in harmony with others not necessarily as a conscious effort to be everyone's favourite etc.
redvelvet, I very much understand that you brought up that notion of maybe she is jealous only as a possibility since I agree jealousy and insecurity can be a part of everyones teenage, espceially when you are the youngest, and you see someone coming up and winning over the family. My fiance is the eldest in the family, so first of all she is not into bhabhi/nand relationship as yet so doesnt know about the intricacies of this relationship and secondly, maybe she is afraid she will lose the love of her eldest brother after his marriage will will not happen insha Allah. Ofcourse she is young. She will learn with time, and even if she doesnt, I as her eldest bhabhi in future will help her getting rid of this rudeness and messy behaviour since in the long run she herself will be hurtful because of this all. I as a bhabhi can endure but everyone especially her inlaws will not. And I do hope to help her in this regard.
Thanks for all the help i was offered here. It did help me ofcourse perceiving the situation as an elder and elder ones are always great, (atleast they have to pose so, lol).
May be they have different family manners than yours. Has she ever fought, argued or said bad things about you or your family?If she is just keeping to herself and not giving you the importance that you expect than you should do the same to her. Instead of feeling neglected and trashing her just let her be.
Just my humble opinion.
We ALL (including Sadzzz) were attentive to your posts in our own unique way. Everyone has different opinions. Some people said she's jealous, some said she's rude, others said that maybe she's shy. Nobody is trying to defend your sister-in-laws behavior. We ALL feel that she can make the effort to behave more positively and welcoming as YOU will be the new addition to their family. We're all trying to understand the different reasons why she is behaving this way.
Since everyone's experience is different, their advice is also be different. While she could be behaving rudely for other reason, i think it's more of a jealousy issue or perhaps she behaves like this with everyone. Sadzzz' s opinion is not an unreasonable possibility. She was just offering another angle as the rest of us.
sure redvelvet i understand and i dont doubt the intention of anyone of you since I know I started the thread and you all came just to counsel and help which ofcourse was much needed. I hope to come and share my worries/problems in future too :@: lol.
^ Rene, don't hesitate to come to the Life forum to discuss any other issues you have in the future. We have some amazing advisers here.
I hope that inshaAllah there won't be any problems for you and that your and your SIL will develop a healthy relationship and that you have a happy n successful marriage, :)
Rene, I did read attentively.. only i am trying to show u a different angle due to my own experience with sisters and sister in laws.
Unless everyone knows the other persons side of the story, its quite hard to give any sound or reasonable advice. Sometimes, if someone tells me a story, i most definately want to hear about the other side to be able to give some kinda advice... As i know, the issues arrising if that is not done...
Neways, I do wish you the best.. and Inshallah u sort this out :)
so she doesnt apper very chatty with you and your mother. That is hardly rude. I think you are extremely sensitive to be deadly depressed about something as trivial as this. Also you are calling for undue respect. You said you are grown up and she is young but dont you feel you are immature in your reaction to something that is normal and human.
It's not just a matter of her not being talkative. It's a matter of her saying "shut up" to Renee's sister, of her speaking rudely/bluntly to Renee, of being on her cell phone when she's sitting with guests who've come to her house to visit with her and her family, and other less than welcoming behaviors towards Rene's family. We only know Rene's side of the story so we don't know where this behavior of SIL's is coming from, but like RV said, I think we can agree that she needs to make an effort to behave more positively towards Rene and Rene can make an effort to continue to grit her teeth and keep being polite. Which Rene's appears to be doing according to her posts.
I don't think that it's immature of Rene to be concerned about this. It's only natural to want to have good relations with every member of her future family. But it's not always possible to achieve this so you have to give it your best and put it aside...a point which I think nearly everybody on this thread has been trying to make in one way or the other.
:hinna: leave it. Happens when we dont have the time to read all posts and we just try to have a gist. No problem.