This is about a would be sister in law. She is the youngest in the family. 20 of age. She more than usual fluctuate her moods with me. I have always been conscious to maintain good relations with them all since I believe in good nature of relationships. And when its about Inlaws and especially the would be one, all the girls tend to be hyper conscious and careful. Inspite of she being too younger to me, (im 29) I always behave respectfully with her which is something unfortunately lacking in her. In our families it is taught to be respectful, to elders atleast, and I would be her eldest bhabhi. Her other sisters are ok, not extra sweet or loving but atleast normal. What evades me is “her” too negative a behaviour at times. So guys any suggestions? I know that speaking the issues out is the best of solutions, but is it ok for me to be so vocal since I havent become a member of their family as yet. I want to talk to his brother/ my fiance about it but Im afraid he might talk to his sister and she would be even worse.
Im deadly depressed and do need your help for the way out.
She's just left teenhood and is a kid in many sense. Give her time this is a crucial age for kids to grow up from their high school era and realize their places in life. When she is old or at least hangs around you she'll know to return the respect which you give her.
PS. If she doesn't "Us ki gutt pakar kar dou thappar lagana" She'll come right back on track:)
Thanks McPendu, but she is too clever in other senses. She is a recent graduate and Has started reading in Masters. Ofcourse I have no other (apparent) option then to ignore her. But sauch a behaviour is really scaring. I can see she is gonna give me a real tough time, lol.
You don't have to go out of your way, but continue being polite in her presence and make an effort. Just because she doesn't behave doesn't mean that you can forget your manners. You sound like a nice and respectful person who wants to maintain good family relations...else you wouldn't be so concerned about this. So continue being nice and respectful. God knows we need more people like that.
Also, please realize that just because she is clever in other respects, doesn't mean that she's socially capable. I know so many people who are highly educated but very awkward when it comes to social interactions.
Just give it time and continue to be polite. If her behavior continues, you may want to have a private discussion with her about it. If that doesn't work...you have to accept the fact that this is how she is, keep being polite, and not dwell on her behavior too much.
Hope this helps.
Edit - yeah, I second Afro-Sheen's question. I am curious about that.
baas , there is just 1 rasta..u have to learn to ignore her..easier said than done but try to put it in ur mind that she a kid and nasamaj..just try not to let her get to u too much..and it is not a good idea to be vocal about this with ur in-laws..it might casue trouble..especially if she is everyones ladli..jsut be smart about it..
First, what type of behavior does she display which you deem inappropriate or not respectful enough?
Afro- she has shown some certain blunt words towards me. I cant recall the exact words now, it wasnt an open insult either, but it was hurting enough for someone as old as 9 years then her. And here in this little town of Pakistan we live in complete following of the norms, respecting elders is a very significant part of all that. Not that I ask for undue respect form her but just a normal attitude. Usually it is so that girls are too loving to their bhabhis, especially before the marriage. Its after the marriage that the ugliness of the relationships starts appearing. Although I dont intend to make our relationship ugly ever. I feel love for her and the rest of the family very very much. Maybe thats something that really depresses me about her behaviour. What scares me is noone can compromise long on their self esteem and respect. Sigh.
thanks mistral and soni for your concern. Yes Mistral the problem is I DONT WANT TO BE MEAN TO ME INLAWS like the common lot does. I definitely will remain polite and understanding in front of her because ofcourse she can take advantage of young age and being nasamajh but not I. Its just that I wish to see her positive and not negative. Yes I will tell you about the recent thing that happened which troubled me. My mom went to them today, just for a routine seeing. Her mom and other sisters were as good with her are they always are. But this one completely ignored her. Sat too indifferently and rather with such an expression that there was something which she had problem with. The other SILS and the MIL asked about me, she didnt. Mom told them that I was ill, well I still am, down with fever. But mom says she was constantly busy with her cell and everything. Now somedays back she used to send me sms too, so its weird she didnt even bother to ask mom or atleast semd me a text if everything was ok. Im more concerned because I dont think I have done something to annoy her. I usually phone them and talk to them all, atleast this one, since I thought that maybe this will bridge up the distance. I also send her gifts and so so that she could be happy. But nothing seems to work.
Ok. Look, I know it can really be hurtful, but I think like Soni and others here have said...ignore it. You continue to be polite and respectful and just grit your teeth and smile when she does something impolite. Even if it "doesn't work," at least you've tried. At least no one can say to you that you haven't made an effort.
That's all you can do. Make an effort and move on. If you dwell on this, it's just going to eat away at you and put a big fat damper on the rest of your life. And I know you don't want that.
And who knows...maybe someday down the line she'll realize what she's doing and grow up. Or maybe she won't. But that'll be her loss.
Oh, and I'm sure your Mom was only trying to help by telling you what your SIL was doing when she went to visit...but next time this comes up, try to change the subject or ask your Mom (or anybody else) not to talk about what SIL did or didn't do. Reporting her behavior changes nothing and only hurts your feelings. So just avoid it.
rene..u have to understand that not everyone will always like u..nd thats okay..u can still deal with it..who cares if she didnt ask about u?..u shouldnt let it bother u so much..dont give her that much importance..aisi choti moti cheeze hoti rethi heh..shes probably doing it on purpose if hse knows u ll gett hurt..u shouldnt show her u r affected by anything she does..keep urself masroof..do u work?..studying..?..
Here is what I think. Keep in mind that your problematic sister-in-law is the YOUNGEST in her family. She's the baby in her house and most likely the "laadli" **of all the siblings. And many times...the youngest person in a family receives the MOST** attention and the **MOST **pampering. And unfortunately some parents let the youngest child get away with misbehavior that the older children are persecuted for. Some parents will brush it off by saying...."Koi baat nahin. Choti hai. Naa samajh hai, bla bla bla." I'm not saying that this attitude is right.
What I'm trying to tell you is that the youngest sister-in-law most likely feels insecure **and **JEALOUS of you. Think about it. She gets all the attention in her family because she is the youngest............and now YOU are getting her family's attention because you will soon become a new addition to their family. YOU are the "new interest" in the family because you are the "hone-wali bhabi" the "dulhan-to-be"...........and this girl is feeling jealous about the attention that you're getting.
In my opinion complaining to your fiance is not going to accomplish much. As a result, she might even become more resentful toward you in the future and cause problems for you. Just try your best to be patient with this girl. And continue being nice to her. 20 is a very young age and you are 9 years older than her. She does not have the maturity that you have. Guys and girls in their early 20's can be VERY immature in their attitudes and careless about their conduct.
You seem like a caring person who wants to establish a good relationship with her in-laws. But keep in mind that you are going to marry your fiance.......NOT his sister. And he is happy with his decision to marry you. His mom and other sisters also like you. Please don't get so stressed over one immature sister. The other sisters' behavior is still positive with you. The other sisters are not being brain-washed by the youngest sister.
So, just continue being polite to her. You are older than her. And instead of losing control and getting mad at her.......SHOW that girl what respect looks like. DEMONSTRATE respectful behavior for her. After you get married.....if she still continues behaving badly....then talk to her directly. Tell her, "I'm not your enemy. I'm an addition to this family and I'm like your sister. I want you to feel comfortable around me. I'm not a threat to anyone and would like to fit in. So why can't we be like sisters and friends?"
Or after marriage.....you can even tell your Mother-in-law "Aunti/Ammi......I think (name of girl) is a really sweet girl. And I see her as my sister and would like for her to feel comfortable around me like your other daugthers. She seems a bit shy around me." If you say it like this.........then you won't look like you're complaining and will seem genuinely concerned. Maybe her mom will encourage the girl to open up with you. But after you get married.......talk to the sister-in-law first....and if that doesn't work.....you can gently mention it to MIL.
well Rene if ur mil n other sils r ok with u then aik sil kay unfriendly honay se kia faraq parta hai? i think as RV said shes the most laadli n the more u think abt her the more nakhra she'll show to u. So don't daunt all ur imp on just one person. instead try to create relations with those who r easy to deal with. sub se achi dosti ho gayee tu kum-as-kum us ghar main zindagi aram se guzray gee. baqi u can b a good bhabi later on n find ur special nand a good match Asap :)
what is this nastiness she's showing towards you? maybe u've taken it the wrong way?
dont make a big deal out of it
i know we all have our moments. She probably has hers... she prob doesnt talk as much as the rest. Who knows..
sometimes people just come across as rude... but maybe its cus we havent made the time to actually get to know them.
Find out what interests her. If she's into something, get her a gift... do something to show that ur willing to make an effort.
All it takes is a bit of effort on ur part. Seriously.
People arent that hard to win over.. Inshallah it'll work out.
I dont think she's jealous of u. Maybe just doesnt know how to communicate properly... some people just seem rude. But infact, they dont even know that they are being that way.
Rene, you need to realize one thing that the world does not revolve around you. If a 20 years old sister in law does not give you the kind of importance you expect so what ? You go your way and let her be herself and things will be ok between you and her. You will get some peace of mind and that poor girl who is behaving as a girl of her age normally do. You cannot expect a 29 year old kind of behavior out of a 20 year old kid. Yes she is still a kid and still baby of the house. You should search your soul and think through straight as if may be you are jealous of the kind of attention she gets in your in laws home.
I do not intend to insult you just trying to give a dose of reality.
Thanks alot folks, for such a consideration. I would like to reply to your posts one by one:
Mistral: Mom doesnt report about their attitudes. All the family has observed the attitude of the youngest SIL and they all find it rude. My sister is of the same age as hers, but whenever my MIL comes over or the SILS come, she is always very much courtious and nice. Im also sitting there and the youngest just continues being rude, but my sister never even reacts. I remember once she said "shut up" to my sister and my sister was just appalled. My bhabhi noticed and said this once that the SIL is too much rude with my sister. My sister is also the youngest one but well she is being polite and such a situation does create an imbalance and also highlights the contrast of attitudes. What I meant here is that youngests are not always spoiled and well being spoiled doesnt allow you to be rude and disrespectful especially to the people who are going to be a part of your family. We are 3. The brother is married so we also have a bhabhi. My bhabhi is a year younger but I havent even called her "tum" ever. Relations do demand respect. So if my mom said something about her is because being a mother she is concerned about my future. It worries her more then it would worry me.
Soni, I very much agree with you and please I dont want her to like me but whats the reason of being rude and unapproving when I havent even entered their family. DOnt you think if such side of the behaviour is shown one will deifinitely feel upset as its matter of life. We havent even started living together and the behaviours are so discouraging. Yes I have to bother because they are my future family. If I have been wrong I would recorrect but this is the period when everybody is supposed to be "nice", no?
redvelvet. I read every word of yours so carefully. And I tahnkyou for being so thoughtful and considerate. No she is not jealous. She is too young than me for that. I didnt really mean to complain about anything to my fiance. He is a wonderful person and very much understanding to. Its just I share with him whenever I m upset do I just felt like... but I understand he might feel bad.
Mabrook: Thats the problem actually. I have already pampered her with being undue caring about her. And it looks like this thing spoiled her. I tried to befriend her so that we both could get along well but well, you are right yar. I should have remained just normal.
skhan: deadly depressed I really was because i had 100 plus fever too. As Im better today, I can think better lol.
sadzz: this is what I have done. But sadly it rather brought opposite results.
Mirch: saying is easier than doing. And seeing it from a man's perspective you cant have an idea how much insecure a girl tends to be when she has to face such ugly behaviours even before her marriage. Its a big decision and its going to cost me my life. Now the comparison of 29 years old and 20 yearsold I have explained in my reply to mistral. Lahol walla quwat that I will get jealous of her. Im not that mehroom of love alhamdolillah. So this is completely out of the context here.
Guys some of you jut posted for the sake of posting it. Without even understanding the real situation im going thru. Maybe I couldnt explain myself correctly.
Again, redvelvet, you said that im going to marry her brother and not her. Well my fiance lives abroad. He would come to marry and ofcourse will return to his job after a month or so. If I dont choose to live with him I have to live here depending on my inlaws for every kind of support (expcept the financial one, I myself work) but well I need a peaceful life in my future. May Allah grant me so.