Re: Men - would you lie about your past if questioned?
Everyone’s experiences are different due to their background, their opportunities and ultimately their choices. Your perspective is based on your own experiences. The one thing I’ve learned is to not assume that other people see the world the same way I do and to be open to other perspectives, and yes - to even hold off judging others.
^ Based on my own experiences, I’ve seen the polar opposite . It wasn’t girls who had more opportunity for an intimate past, but in fact it was the guys because guys could hide it or justify it. The number of times I was introduced to guys or knew guys within the larger social circle, who admitted to having an intimate past or to being social drinkers or club-goers or someone who didn’t observe halal/haraam was surprising and while the first few times I was shocked, after a while it stopped being a shocker.
The worst of it, was I didn’t/don’t have a past since I did all of the right things, when these same guys asked me about my past – I had nothing to tell and I could swear on the Quran to that effect. But these guys with the past were reluctant to believe that I might actually live and abide by these moral principles – the would ask really intrusive questions and would be skeptical of my answers. Again, this just coincides with the idea that people will judge others through the lens of their own experiences.
These same guys would pull out the: “it was a youthful mistake and I’ve moved past it and if Allah (swt) can forgive me because I’ve repented, why are you judging me?” card. And really, what can you say to that? Do you tell the person that their sins are unforgiveable and then bring down Allah’s (swt) wrath upon yourself for having judged the person.? Or do you accept each person is accountable for their own actions and pray that may Allah (swt) give them hidayat and show them the right way? The whole idea of *tauba *– it’s a very challenging idea for us fallible humans to accept. But what makes me reluctant to condemn or judge someone is: if He accepts a misguided/wayward person’s repentance and tauba and yet I continue to judge or condemn that same person, isn’t He going to judge me for my own actions and hold me accountable for having judged someone?
The point of this is – each of us lives our lives and makes our own share of mistakes, and all we can do is ask that He give hidayat to those who have strayed (guys and girls) and to help each of us ensure that our amaal and actions are worthy of Him.
No one is trying to justify the misdeeds either gender – we all know what is right and wrong – but condemning them and pretending to have moral superiority over them – I truly fear the idea that it might displease Him.
Oh one more thing – to not judge someone and to consider that person for marriage are two different matters. When it comes to marriage, everyone has their own preferences including the lifestyle choices their prospective partner has made. And if the person’s lifestyle choices are ones that you cannot live with, so be it. Move on! (though, the guys with an intimate past who would judge and dismiss a girl with the same past, or vice versa – really don’t have a leg to stand on :halo: )
Anyhoo, those are my 2 cents. I’ll jump off of my soapbox. Carry on!
thanks for contributing and providing another perspective..always interesting to hear..i didnt say more girls have pasts than guys..i agree more guys tend to have pasts than girls..all i was saying was girls tend to have have MORE opportunities so it’s EASIER, doesn’t necessarily mean they actually take advantage of those opportunities, guys tend to act on their more limited opportunities more so than girls..i do agree that men are h*arami they’ll do everything but then judge the girl for it if she does it..my point was that even guys are doing wrong not because theyre judging but because theyre okay with having a past themselves..should reserve that for after marriage instead of fooling around and taking that risk of it hurting your image/being used against you/etc before nikkah..not talking about moral superiority or anything