My only demand is the guy be Muslim, decent human being and not have an issue with me continuing my education. I never thought this was an unreasonable demand, but so far I keep encountering these weirdos who freak-out as soon as I bring it up, and then start pointing out I cannot be a good/gharailoo housewife and mother if I have a life outside the house. I find this incredibly insulting because I am from a very traditional family and have been brought up with decent values. I’m not even what’s considered ‘old’ for a desi girl, but I am the eldest and my parents started the rishta hunting process as soon as I hit 18 because they believe girls should be married asap. At this point I’m so exhausted. I thought I would have a wide pool to search from, as I’ve never had any specific demands of looks/education, and my parents do not narrow it down by caste, but apparently there is a shortage of decent human beings . What I don’t understand of such guys is, why on earth do they want an educated wife if they are not going to support her ambitions? Why not just go marry the cousin/extended relative then?
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with this. I’ve seen this a lot also actually. Men wanting professional women as wives but then wanting them to become housewifes. Men should not be trying to change women–they need to find girls who are already like the type of wife they want. I’ve learned this the hard way from experience, can’t try to change anyone–glad I’ve learned this though. Guys cant want to marry most beautiful modern girl but then want her to wear hijab after marriage. Find a hijabi girl from the outset.
Not even a single desi let alone muslim in my class. I dated couple of class mates but didn’t see any longterm potential or future with them. I am not super religious but I follow most of what Islam says and want kids to be muslim etc, so it was better to break it off than to carry on which could never be.
There are not many pportunities so will see what happens. Internet rishta websites thing doesn’t work so I no longer go on that. Honestly, those websites ask for money which I don’t have. Going to a diff place for rotations in couple of months but that is also predominantly white neighborhood. I am little bit opening to the idea of other girls if I don’t find any brown ones. In the end, its all about being a good person with upstanding morals and helping others which is the essence of islam or any religion.
and yes not interested in marrying anyone from back home. No offense but that whole visa process thing and waiting and getting used to life here is a lot to deal with
I am not even into a demanding degree/career like medicine etc. It’s the 21st century, and what with all the problems many desi women face after marriages, I strongly believe every woman should be educated and explore a career path, even if she later chooses to become a housewife. The way I am, I would probably finish school, work a few years, then settle down into the routine with house and kids. But these guys… It’s like they want a highly educated wife for the label so they can go around telling people, but God forbid should she use her brain to think for herself or have an opinion about anything and it’s all haram and no-no. Idk if it’s their insecurities or they are just raised in a very typical manner and expect a doormat wife.
women can be moms, wife and can have a job too. Its all about multi-tasking and balancing life. Being a stay-at-home wife doesn’t mean your kids would be raised better than the one who is working
Not every parent can afford a quality education for their kids considering the fact education has become so expensive these days. But then again guys want a multi talented, multi tasking wives these days who can work & be a good housewife at the same time, too much to ask. But if guys want a housewife then why go for a career oriented girl? But they want a housewife who is a doctor or an engineer so they can show off around. Bottom line they want trophy wives.
Yeah man those websites are a waste. And won’t get any easier during residency training unless you went to a major city (NYC, LA, Chicago, Houston, etc) so not many opportunities.
Anyone been to the ISNA or APPNA rishta events? Worth attending? What type of crowds come out to those events?
Its ironic that I am a guy and I find it difficult to find women who use their brain and have opinions and want to do something in life besides being a home maker… maybe its because of the perception (based on experience with a lot of guys - sure) that guys or their families dont like girls like that… and hence girls are raised a certain way or act like that
That struck something deep within me. I’m thankful for being able to grow up in a family where good examples were set. When my dad married my mother, she was straight out of high school and he was a masters student. Years after working in companies, my dad realised he wanted his own company. Through out that time, my mom was a house wife and never wanted to go out and work. But the second he started his own work, my mom was all for stepping up to the plate and helping him out. What was even more inspiring was that he not only taught her how things around the office worked but also regularly took her input. Us kids were in junior high at the time and my mom not only spectacularly handled us kids, her home but also did well at work. For someone not that educated, she came above it all and killed many stereotypes that resided in the minds of the men in my extended family.
Now when my parents look for rishtas for me, they know that i would like a life exactly like my moms. That i would like a house hold and have a job. I’m a pharmacist by career and it’s definitely not easy but if there’s anything i know, its that my parents have taught me enough to know both. They take that mind set when they look for guys for me and i love them dearly for it. Inshallah, i hope for a partner like my dad has turned out for my mom. Like he has helped her better herself and she him, i hope i can do that for my future husband and he for me.
I pray you find someone exactly the way you look for them, although i think compromises are normal in life. Best of luck with it and Inshallah you’ll have good things ahead in life
I’ve noticed that too and i can’t comprehend why a girl would want to belittle herself just to settle into that kind of family. I goes some don’t have a choice and they grow up with that mentality. I guess it’s also about being around the “right” kind of people. People around me have always been all for educated, intelligent girls who can carry themselves all the while not forgetting cultural practices in the norm. The world really is a heady mix of people, isn’t it?
Yes, it’s more difficult to find someone desi in smaller cities in the US especially if you were always studying and conservative parents limited your outings.
I’ve not attended the ISNA or APPNA rishta events yet. People who have tell me that it’s better to find someone via reference (friends’ friends), but that’s also not an option for many people.
Anyway, I wasn’t aware that decent, educated guys had trouble finding girls as I see so many educated girls here waiting for a decent rishta.
Also, I was looking at the rishta thread on paklinks and what’s up with most of the single guys’ or their families wanting a doctor wife/bahu? By this I mean I can understand if the guy is a doctor and wants wife to be doctor because they’ll both have tough schedules, more compatible, etc… but why do guys with a bachelor’s degree want a doctor? Why not a girl who’s a decent, educated muslim with a good personality?
Trophy wives. It’s mostly these guys who want to turn the doctor into a housewife then.
I don’t think similar careers make people more compatible in most cases, and in desi circles I feel a lot of people have limited their options by using medicine as a criteria, both for men and women, and that’s one reason a lot of people have trouble meeting the right people.
Indeed men are less in number as compared to women and that is a global phenomenon. In the coming 10 to 20 years it’s going to be worse than this.
There are many reason for that and one important reason is the higher death rate of men as compared to women.
As far as marriage part is concerned it’s hard to find good women as much as it’s hard to find a good men. Both creatures are in shortage unfortunately. Plus we people have some serious issues which are a big hurdle when it comes to getting married.
As a single female, I wouldn’t say there’s a shortage of men but we’ve all become very picky. Men and women both. Marriage seems more like a business deal than a relationship.
In my experience women nowadays tend to try and lead the marriage - ain’t going to happen with me, I’m alpha through and through both in the work place and in a social context.
I was the school bully who’d bully kids 5 years older then me and I was the guy who would go school to school looking to start fights with the toughest kid in the other schools. I was also very good at regurgitating information from text books on to exam papers. Go figure!
I also stopped counting the women in my life after I’d had 30 by the age of 21 and I also dabbled up until recently with some very unsavory characters. My closest friends are people who respectable people tell their kids to avoid due to involvement in criminality or loose morals. Luckily, I’m not out of place in a goody goody respectable environment either.
So any woman who thinks just because shes got a masters and a £50K job thinks she can control me with sex, nah not gonna happen sweetheart.
