Sorry no pics in this particular post but I wanted to share a strange experience I recently had with a guy I got to know through this chat. I got to know him for a period of 6 weeks unbtil a week ago when we (mainly he) broke it off. He was a nice guy but I felt that he was leading me on and I needed answers. After trying to avoid me for a few days, I was able to hold his attention and well, things didn’t go so well. I am very gung-ho marriage-minded while he wanted to take his time. My reaction: if you know that I am gung-ho marriage-minded, why start anything with me to begin with knowing full well that you’re different! Now I am left with unspoken emotions and trying to get this guy out of my mind. The whole thing has left an unpleasant taste in my mouth. I
I am quite an eligible bachelorette and I just feel that I don’t get appreciated relative to my self-worth. I have so much to offer some decent man someday yet some people don’t realize that. When and if they do, it is too late. I will never understand the male species. They are truly from Mars!!!
The question I wish you folks can help me answer is: why do guys act like jerks?! I am not very experienced when it comes to men-related issues, I am not a shallow individual who is into short sexual encounters with the opposite species, etc. On the other hand, I am intelligent, independent, pleasant, and attractive. I think I have my head screwed on right but WHY is it that guys don't see that????? It is so so so frustrating sometimes! Urgh!!!
For all men reading this post, you will probably not understand my point of view. Please offer your suggestions only if they're going to be helpful and/or intuitive. Dumb remarks are not welcome. :)
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by moona: *
WHY is it that guys don't see that????? It is so so so frustrating sometimes! Urgh!!!
Please offer your suggestions only if they're going to be helpful and/or intuitive.
[/QUOTE]
Pick guys more carefully, be selective, make sure they meet your "must have" criteria.
You note in your initial post
*I am very gung-ho marriage-minded while he wanted to take his time. My reaction: if you know that I am gung-ho marriage-minded, why start anything with me to begin with knowing full well that you're different! *
in my opinion, just as he should have known you were gung-ho marriage minded, you should have known that he was not, and thus niether of you should have attempted to start something there.
Same question can be asked of you, why start anything when the guy was not gung-ho marriage minded.
6-weeks is not a long time, even if two people who are both marriage minded meet and chat, its does not mean that they are right for one another and can use that time to figure out if they are right for one another.
now the question that you needed help with
* why do guys act like jerks" *
Here is a theory, all guys who are jerks, act like jerks. If you want someone who wont act as a jerk, make sure that the guy is not a jerk.
One has to become better judge of characters and personalities.
Mr. Fraudia, you're right in that one must learn to be a better judge of character when all's said and done. Even though I am 28, I am learning, believe me!
As far as your first point, this guy did know that I was gung-ho marriage-minded and he gave the same impression back which is why I feel as though I was being led on. That was unfair on his part.
Lastly, you're right...6 weeks is not a longtime to get to know someone yet if in those 6 weeks you've communicated with the person almost everyday on a personal level, well, feelings tend to get involved...at least mine do IF I like the guy. In this case, I did like him. It's just sad that a) he turned out to be a jerk who doesn't know the value of a good woman and/or b)he got super scared of the whole marriage business!
I have learned my lesson though...that's for sure!!!
*>>On the other hand, I am intelligent, independent, pleasant, and attractive. *
As long as we are hypothetical about it, what if the dude just didn't feel attracted enough and sought to disengage by claiming he needs more time. After all, there is no easy way to say "I don't think you are beautiful enough for my taste". What may seem beautiful to one may not be for another. There is a reason they say "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder".
In one way you are right that men, more often than women, will prioritize looks over other things. If nothing else, that alone can put them as natives of Mars. :)
In addition, there is something called "chemistry". When the two people just don't click together. One person may not notice it earlier because he/she was concentrating on the positives. The other does, and calls "time out" to stop wasting more time and effort for either of the two.
As earlier stated, its all hypothetical and generalized. Feel free to disagree.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by moona: *
It's just sad that a) he turned out to be a jerk who doesn't know the value of a good woman and/or b)he got super scared of the whole marriage business!
[/QUOTE]
c) maybe after 6 weeks he decided that you were not his type.
d) maybe after 6 weeks he realized that he was not your type and to end it now rather than dragging it on.
Either way, 6 weeks is not too long of a time and if there was not a good match, its better that you find out now rather than figure that out much later.
What we have is your version of things, and you are upset and hurt etc as is evident from your post. We dont know his side of the story.
Now here is a little more advise, and I am serious here. sadly this type of advise usually gets people more upset.
If you are running into the same thing over and over again, it can be 2 reasons. Either your are picking the wrong guys, or you are taking the wrong approach. Step back, reflect, and be objective in the assessment.
Maybe being so gung-ho about marriage works against you. Its good to let people know that your main interest is in finding a mate and then use the time to get to know the person and figure out of you guys are right for one another.
I think just like most women over value themselves about thier beauty, values and culture, so also men over value themselves on money, looks, hair and height :D, and culture etc.
When both worlds are in totally different orbits its hard for them to collide. This may be the very bitter truth but I know so many people (guys and gals) who dont have a lot aiming for the very best and getting burnt when that does not work out. Its the 80-20 rule according to my friend, 80% of one sex aims for 20% of the other. You are bound to have a lot of hurt people inbetween.
Ok ok ok, as one of you said, maybe some of the hurt and pain is coming out. I admit it...I am feeling hurt and it's not easy if your ego has been dealt a blow by the guy telling you that "we're incompatible and different."
I think that the case with me is truly that I pick the wrong type of guys, more than any other reason that I can relate to. For example, ever since I can remember, I have been drawn to a person's materiality (looks, $, style, etc) in addition to other things. I have been told by friends not to concentrate on these things since they come and go. I need to look at things like personality, etc more since these tend to be the more important factors in life. Believe me though, I am learning that and it's beginning to sink in.
Hmcqk, to respond to your statement, yes indeed it is true that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and that those that don't have much going for them usually always want more than they themselves are worth. I have seen this happen over and over again. I am very very aware of that and that is the sole reason why I personally seek someone at my own level if I can find that. I have mash'allah a lot going in my favor and so what is wrong if I want a guy who is intelligent, caring, attractive, stylish, etc.? It may be hard to come by but there has to be someone out there that mirrors me. If not, it's ok. I must learn to deal with compromise.
What I didn't understand is that when I wanted to clarify issues that were disturbing me about him, he ignored and avoided my phone calls and e-mails until one day I forced him to listen. That was last Monday..we talked and well, the whole thing was broken off. I was a lady and wished him Good Luck and he said Likewise. That was it. I cried it out of my system that night and I am still trying to get him to 100% leave my mind. I need to stay positive and listen to my friends who say that a player like him doesn't know what he is missing out on.
Why does this happen to good girls like me, I will never know!
Well not all men are from Mars and not all are from Earth too! :)
Things can only get better, don't let this one bad experience spoil your mood and try to get over him and move on. Maybe this guy was not really looking for a long term relationship, or maybe his intentions were good but he could not keep them for long.
It's good to know that you learned from this experience and I hope with you, a lot more females learned from your experience.
Saadia, I sure as heck do hope that there's only better to come in my direction in terms of guy material. You know what they say...when you least expect it! I must be a real sucker because I shed a tear or two today in feeling sorry for myself and thinking how naive I am in matters of the heart. Why some women genuinely care from the heart, time regardless, while other only pretend, God only knows! I am of the first category and it's hard to bear sadness sometimes. I know though that Allah had bigger and better plans for me. All I must do is wait and not try so hard. That is the trick. There IS light at the end of the tunnel!
Chand lamhoon ki rifaqat bhi ganimmat hai kay phir
Chand lamhoon main sheeraza bikaher jai ga
YAdain rah jain gi or woh bhi itni talkh
Jin ka zehar rago pay main utar gai ga
At times , it hardly takes a moment to click and at times it takes ages for you to understand another person.
Sometimes we reject and are liked in turn
SOmetimes we like but are rejected in return
THis is the rule of nature and it goes on and on
SUch incidences shatter our lives and our souls are lost and burned
But life has much to offer, then to repent for moment long foregone ......
Moona darling,
Move on. But you know what you need to undertake a rigorous overhaul of ur approach, ur way of thinking. Yes men go for looks ( particularly South Asian men have a tendency to do so) but believe me not all men are like that. He might have been ticked off by ur 'to sure of urself kinda attitude.' Your being too independent might have led him to believe that you will never compromise and go along with him if need be. The realization on ur part of the fact that you are intelligent might have given him an impression that you think of urelf.
When it comes to marriage and when you are socializing and looking for ur mates then beauty often takes the back seat. I have had a couple of sessions with you, forgive me, I can be wrong but you know what always keep in mind that the other person needs some privacy no matter how close he or she is with you , some space for him/herself. YOu just cannot win the other by imposing yourself on him/her.
I am impressed that you have so many qualities, mashallah. THe only thing i believe you need is a down to earth approach. THere sure is light at the end of the tunnel.
So the guy is a jerk just because the sob didn’t marry you? I mean come on! give him a break for being a gentleman.
I know it must have been tough for you to handle the reality but I think it would have been worse if he had lied to you and made false promises. If I were you I’d still be friends with him and take my spouse to his place for dinner.
Ab hur bunda hur bundi say shadi kurna shoroo ho jaay pata nhin damagh kithay rehnda aay ainaN kuRRiaN da!
pata nhin damagh kithay rehnda aay ainaN kuRRiaN da!