Re: Men Helping with Chores
long post warning.
I agree with many things you say PCG but i am going to disagree with some of what you said here. In many religions both Abrahamic and Dharmic women’s role is greater than it is portrayed. Obviously culture and society dictates women’s role being in the home but there have been many christian/indian/Hindu and Muslim examples that are contrary to that. The subcontinent has had female rulers from Razia Sultan to Rani lakshmibai, to female philosophers, to many thousands of hindu and sufi female saints/priests who never married, to the 700 female bodyguards guarding chandragupt maurya’s palace (chandragupta maurya existed thousands of years ago and was an Indian ruler who united all of the subcontinent) The Badass of the Week: Chandragupta Maurya The word shakti, meaning power in sanskrit, is feminine in nature and indicates that strength is a female quality. A word not found like that in many other cultures. Women were taught in ancient India and if they were of the warrior community they were taught defence and how to use spears.
Pakistani culture is not based only on Indian/Hindu/Christian culture. There are 3% minorities in Pakistan i hardly believe they have that much influence on culture. Pakistani culture is a mix of asian, arabic, persian etc cultures and colonialism. So perhaps it could be Arab or persian culture, why blame the subcontinent for things that are disagreeable. I mean even in those cultures there are positive aspects producing remarkable women like Shirin Ebadi, Iranian nobel prize winner, and Anousheh Ansari, first Iranian Muslim woman to go to the moon. If it has been negatively influenced by Indian/Hindu/Persian culture it has chosen the wrong parts. If Indian culture dictated a woman’s place to be the home there wouldn’t be so many working Indian mothers in the US. The worldwide Pepsi ceo, who was born and grew up in India, wouldn’t be a working mother if her culture was against it. At the same time women’s role of being nurturing is also commonly found in all cultures and it does not mean women are weak if they do household duties. So there is good and bad in every culture and no culture asks for women to only focus on household tasks. It is the individuals and their attitudes to women that make a difference and they can be of any religion or culture.
Not sure which Indian subcontinental women living in the US you have interacted with but no Indian woman i know who wants to work is locked to her kitchen or does not get help from her husband if she deserves it. Maybe in some village they are forced not to work and stay bound to the kitchen. No parent would let their daughter marry someone who does not respect her choice. At least that’s what they believe in my family. I don’t know any Indian guy who does not want a working wife or who doesn’t help out his wife. Maybe I just know many liberal minded men. Yes we have issues but that’s not one of them. Really never crossed my mind that desi guys like you describe exist. I think desi guys are generally quite open minded and it’s good not to rush in with assumptions. There are literally hundreds of millions of desi guys out there and none of us have interacted with even a drop of that amount so I don’t think generalisations can be made that are valid. Blaming an external society is not the answer. The solution is there within people themselves.
I’ll probably be 30 plus by the time i finish my studies and am working. Never dated a guy but had some rishta experiences on the online level including being cheated on yet i am not even worried about not finding a suitable guy and i don’t think you should either. I am confident i will find a good match, i have 100% belief in Allah(swt)/God that whatever is happening is for the best and confidence in getting it is 80% of the game. I know i will find a suitable guy. He might not be perfect but neither am I. Both of us will have the basic ingredients for a successful marriage and together, Insha’Allah, we’ll make a tasty cake. If I do not find someone it is not the end of the world. Perhaps my destiny had other better plans for me. Maybe I can spend that time and extra energy contributing to society setting up charities here in my adopted homeland or back home in India, maybe i can help fund an orphanage by fundraising events, maybe i can do work in India working on women’s health or selected other areas. Maybe i may meet someone in the process of doing that. If not, that is not the be all end all. Maybe I will have more time to take care of my parents in their old age.
My dad and brother do lot of the household chores around the house and take over our responsibilities when we do not have time or i am studying/spending time on gs(which i feel guilty about). My Pakistani friend’s husband helps her out with the majority of housework and cooking when she had to sit for exams. He is also very supportive of her studies and work even after marriage. So please really we should not generalise all desi guys there are many gems out there. Yes, desi guys have negative qualities, particular to them as do other species of guys, but they also have many positive qualities that we can focus on. In my opinion/experience, which i know i cannot use to generalise, they are loyal, generous, faithful and won’t leave a wife because she gained weight, got cancer or run after girls of different ethnicities. They believe in marriage lasting a lifetime, believe in sharing financial and key household decisions and friendship between spouses being important etc. Yes, in law issues are still a problem but quite a few have modernised and are not all tyrannical. Some even support the bahu continuing education and working her own hours after marriage. These are usually the ones who treat their bahu like daughters. It’s not common but there are examples to know that it exists. Obviously i cant generalise and maybe the ones in the US are not like that but this is from my experience.