Allright, I’m Pakistani, and I’m pretty sure some females my age (around 20’s) can empathize with me on this situation.
Ok, well I don’t mind helping my mom around the house..it’s no big deal. However, sometimes I can be a bit busy. Anyway, I once asked if she could just tell my brother to do some of the work for one night (like set the plates on the table or wash some of the dishes…or just wash his plate at least!). Well people, saying those words resulted in my getting yelled at for uttering such an “atrocious” thing. I was surprised to say the least…how my family has these pathetic cultural “values”, which upset me very much.
To add to the anger, my brother was just sitting around playing computer games, and said that he won’t do any housework because he doesn’t need to. Mind you he’s 18..not some five year old.
If a man helps out his wife or mother with say washing some of the dishes, would that lower his masculinity? I think not, however this chauvinistic culture says otherwise.
I hear ya though..even though I'm a guy..A cousin of mine recently came here via marriage from Pakistan. He helps out with the chores and changes diapers and the whole bit..He gets made fun of by our male cousins in Pakistan for doing "ladies work" but his usual reply is "This isnt Pakistan, its USA, things r different here" Even though I have no point to my story I wanted to share :D
I did most of the helping around the house, but my brothers do some things and once I left home for grad school they did more...
My husband grew up in Pakistan as a teen and would help his mom do housework since his sister was married by then, despite the fact his father called it women's work.
I say be patient..hopfully you'll get a nice guy. One thing i do notice when i visit the msa/psa things is that for the 20 year old girls, there's still a ton of resentment for this..and it comes out...I guess we all chill out about it a little later..
It depends on families, I helped mum with house chores growing up, learned to cook, clean, take care of myself, my belongings and my room. This obviously helped me a lot when I left home.
My dad left home for education etc at an early age so he is used to doing his own stuff, to a point we have to tell him to sit down and let us take care of some of the stuff.
But there are too many shehzaday who grow up not being expected or told to even clean up after themselves. case in point my bro in law's cousion who came to US to study and stayed with my sis and bro in law for a while. Early on the nawab sahab would take a leak while dripping all over the toilet seat and then leave, it was nasty.
I used to be like your brother when I was back home (pakistan). When I was getting reday to come to US, my mother used to tell me "udehr jaian ga tey laag sor jai gi". For those of you who did not get it, its punjabi meaning(translated to be coherent)..."whenever you go to US you will learn how things are done". Anyway, to make a long story short, boy was she right.
I do help around the house with dishes, laundry, cooking, changing diapers, bathing the kids etc etc. List is too long to mention all the household chores.
I think if your brother moves out of the house(like going to college) he will change.
well in my house my bro n my abu helps arounds.. before shaadi yea my bro used to make me do the stuf. sheer lazineess i gues.. but wehn it came to cleaning bathrooms n stuff.. that was his job..
an after i left, he used to put the dishes an 'laga the khana" .. i think men should help out their wives out of compassion.. if nything else
It all depends how you have been brought up and what you saw while you were growing up.
i have seen many familes in which they treat sons like they are celebrities and when their daughters question they are being told " na beta bhai to kam kay leya nahi kehtay etc etc".
I really thank my parents to not diffrentiate between me sisters and my sister and treated us like equal (that also means my ass was kicked if i forgot to wash the dishes and dont vacume the house) and it helps alot whne you get married and become parents your self.
Interesting responses. I'm glad that not ALL families are close-minded about this aspect of guys helping around the house. I suppose it's true that male figures do reflect what the son will end up doing. And I did ask why my bro didn't have to help around the house. This was my father's reply: "Why? You're the beti (daughter), you're supposed to do all this stuff".
Well I wouldn't call myself a feminist, but stuff like that reaaaaaaaally annoys me, and frankly, I can't stand one more "uncle ji" asking a member of the opposite sex to hand them a glass of water when they're an inch away from the jug. You know, God forbid they taint themselves by doing something (being sarcastic here).
By the way Kaleem, I agree that by being independent, my brother may learn to take on more responsibilities, but not to sound cynical, I just don't know if that'll happen. He commutes to college and obviously he will live with my parents even further down the road. Then there will be marriage...wife does work..etc..endless cycle you know lol (hopefully the wife will knock some sense into him).
Yes, living in America does change you, but it doesn't make everyone self-reliable. I mean my brother was born here in the U.S...so it may also depend on the father or male members in the family in influencing the son's view on doing stuff like this. Well...all this aside, I'm pleased to read that you guys help out and stuff. It's really respectful, and makes me realize that there are a lot of wonderful open-minded people out there.
I find it interesting that in my house, growing up, I (the only daughter) was expected to do most of the chores. Ammi would ask my brothers sometimes but the duties were left to me really. And if I didnt do it, mom did.
The interesting bit is that now, my eldest bhai who is married, does most of the chores in his house (the stuff the maid doesnt do).He pretty much does everything for his kids, dresses them, bathes them, cleans up after them, plays with them, etc. Mash'Allah. However, a lot of desis do not approve of what he does. Even members of my own family. If his wife was doing all that, they probably wouldnt complain about it as she would probably be expected to do it. I asked him once why he doesnt ask his wife to do that. He said she doesnt like to, and he also said that if he can do it, then why not. He said when his children are older, those will be times he will cherish in his memories. I think its a great attitude he has adopted, just dont know why he wasnt keen on chores as a teenager. smile
Hm. I’ve seen this a lot. When I was younger I would complain right away at any sign of unfair treatment. And my brothers and I probably do an equal amount of work around the house.
But the thing is the response they get. As if they are doing some divine wonderful heroic noble act by helping out around the house. It’s all well and good when I do it. No big deal. But the bros are hailed as such wonderful creatures for helping out.
I can feel your pain sister. Let us look out the cultural narowness and look at what the Prophet s.a.w did he use to help around in the house and mend his own clothes. Pakistani man think if they help around with house or children it is a big ahsaan on the world. Mothers spoiling there sons grow up to be spoiled man with frustrated wives doing a juggling act with kids and home.
but thats cuz I messed up the food a few times by cooking myself, and killed the toaster and the microwave
I do have to put the plates on etc. and wash dishes sometimes
but its a few minutes job, cant see anny reasons why its a she-job
I think men should stay out of the kitchen when there are so many women there to take care of everything. If helping out with dishes is such a problem then they can just chuck everything in the dishwasher and leave.
yup men are nothing but nuisance in the kitchen.
WELL..my hubby says that ,yeh kaam aurtoun ka hai,,baat he khataam..HE SAYS KAI LARKI AUR LARKAY MAI diffrence hai,,but i dont agree with him..ager sub apni apnee plate bhee wash kerlayin tou kaam thora rah jata hai,,but huh...its a men's world,,
I have to say that I'm so thankful to my husband for lending a hand with the babies and around the house a bit. He came over to US for college and led the bachelor life for a number of years so he was accustomed to taking care of himself and his apartment. Now that we have 3 babies, its impossible for me to get to everything that needs to get done so he really does pitch in. Sad thing is, some of the family and friends over in PAk talk amongst themselves about him for this, that he does womens work, lets his wife wear the pants in the family etc. Why don't they understand how life REALLY IS over here????
Along the same line, I've wondered many times about how girls can possibly adjust to life over here. When they're raised with servants to do everything. Then they get married and come over here, all of a sudden, they have to cook, clean, do the marketing, ironing etc etc. I dont think i'm talking about the vast majority, but I do know that there are at least a good few of these. How can they adjust? It must be a terrible hardship.
my both sisters never asked me to work…but i and my bro. always helped them …just by setting up dinig table etc..it makes them feel good…it was how :saw: used to do..to help ladies in house…
it is more of gaoon wala culture i suppose…
it normally happens in households normally connected to thier villages…
my boys (aged 5 n 3 ) help me around n i think its good
actually i plan to teach them all household chores , InshaAllah
my father cooks some yummy food …my ONLY brother takes care of everything …n thankfully my husband too , helps me a lot …!
i don’t know why men r not expected to work in our society while Rasoolullah :saw: had no problem doing this !
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*Originally posted by amelie: *
One thing i do notice when i visit the msa/psa things is that for the 20 year old girls, there's still a ton of resentment for this..and it comes out...I guess we all chill out about it a little later..
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hey amelie...gotta defend our msa brothers here yaar...
the guys mashallah do more than their share dontcha think? in ramzan you can even find some of them doing the dishes, putting out the food, cleaning afterwards etc etc...and i never found resentment among our msa sisters abt this stuff...r u talking abt the msa of some other college?
plus, the brothers handle all the heavy work like laying out the mats for jumah, or when theres heavy stuff to carry etc they do it...
to answer this thread...
in my family gender roles are quite defined, the men stay out of the kitchen and women do all the gharelu work, but sometimes if the lady of the house is gone to visit the meka, or is ill, the men don't have a problem doing stuff for the day....i mean there's no strict rule that they are never gona help or never gona step into the kitchen...
in my immediate family, my parents both work and the housework is all managed by domestic servants...but my mom has always still considered it her responsibility to make sure everything gets done, and takes care of stuff when the maids r on holiday etc...but papa always pitches in to help mummy in such situations and doesn't have a problem with that at all...my older brothers help in housework too if needed...my younger brother though is the laadla of the house n never touches kitchen stuff ever...i guess coz the maids n if not them then my mom n i r around...
i still remember one time i was doing the dishes after a big daawat at our house and i got a really bad tummy ache so i had to go n sit down on the couch n started crying, my older brother came in to see what happened n i told him n he stepped into the kitchen and washed all the dishes... :(
