first testing if message appears
Re: meddling family
ok good message appears. sorry, i had to test first. ok, my problem is this. my wife and i have had our first babies and her mother who was after her for a long time to have kids has finally joined us for about 5-6 months. now my wife is going crazy. her mother is interfering in everything, she criticizes my wife for everything she does like diaper changing feeing etc and my wife is daily in tears. her mother and she dont get along. on top of this, my wife's cousin is also staying with us for a few months, she is trying to find a job and she is staying with us until she can find her own place. my wife has done a lot for her family members in the past all the way until we had our kids. my work takes me out of town a great deal and my wife is left alone to deal with her cousin and mother. the cousin has taken up the whole second bedroom which was to have been one of the babies nursery, so now both kids are in one room which is quite small for them as they are at crawling stage (our living and other rooms are full of formal furniture so no place there for them to play in). my question is, how to deal with my mother in law, cousin in law who rarely talks with me (she is older than us btw) except if she has some work issue, but who causes my wife a great deal of heartache. the cousin pays zilch towards room and board. i paid for my mother in law's ticket. now everyday when i come home my wife is hiding with the babies in the bedroom, the kids are crying which they never used to do much, and my mother in law cries her eyes out and says that she hates being a burden on anyone and just wants to go back. which is surprising because she was the one who forced us to send her a ticket so that she could come visit her grandkids. i at my my wits end in this house full of histronic women and fear that this is affecting my kids. my mother in law is always telling my wife that everything she does in wrong. also, my wife is not very religious, she prays etc when she can get a chance, but she is somewhat lazy in this though she is sincere in her beliefs, yet her mother who is similar to a female maulvi always is criticizing her that my wife is a kafir. In fact, when my wife very happily told her that the kids said "mama" as their first word recently, her mother even told her "the first thing babies say when they are born is "Allah" , but God knows what your kids said". And then she adds "allah hu allam" after that! Someone please help! ps. yesterday my wife made biryani just to please her mom and her mom criticized the life out of her that she doesn't know how to even cook! this, to a woman who has had repeat requests to cater for other people's parties!
Re: meddling family
since it is your wife's family, she needs to really take a stand. whether it is a good talking to, or telling it like it is. What is obvious is that things can not continue the way that they are, you can be there as a support to your wife but cant do anything unless she wants to do something.
Now as far as your wife's cousin goes, you have to set some time limit there ..but once again your wife has to really take the initiative here. You can be of help to people and often at your own expense but there has to be a time limit set.
I have seen other women like your mother in law, and I can tell u the best you can do is provide support to your wife. Heck, you may even have to be the bad guy and tell the cousin that you really need the space in x weeks. the mother in law wants to go back, well send her back.
You want a great way to kick people out without being an ass, have your wife tell her cousin that your parents or uncle and aunt are coming to stay for a bit and she really needs the space. her cousin will not confront you, same could be used as a reason to have your mother in law go back to her place.
kaisa?
waisay sorry yaar..the situation sucks.
Re: meddling family
sheesh.. get rid of the cousin.. u and ur wife don't have to live with her. and it shouldn't matter to both of u what the "ghar walay" will think/say if u do that. its ur kids' future and ur wife's mental health u should think about right now. as for mother in law.. be a bad guy and next time when she says "mein yahan kyun agee haaye haaye" .. tell her u can book the next flight back home right now.
what a mess .. :-/
Re: meddling family
Tell your MIL that you can only afford (mentally) to raise one infant at a time. Either she acts her age or gets on the next flight back home.
Re: meddling family
I wish this was so easy my friends. my MIL has not eaten for 24 hours it seems, I just got back home from some work and am exhausted, and wife is very depressed and frankly we dont know what to do. my mother lives in pakistan and never travels so her visit excuse is useless, rest i dont keep up with cousins etc. plus MIL is heart patient so we are very worried.
Re: meddling family
Sounds to me as though she is doing this for the attention, basically tell her nicely that what she sees is what she gets, if she really wishes to go, you are sorry to see her go but you understand. Offer to take her then.
Try not to feed into it or it will get worse. Ignore that she is not eating, it is not a medical thing, she just decided not to, so treat it as a decision she made. Tell her when she decides to eat again, the food is there. Believe me, when she sees that no one is giving her the attention she will try something else and start eating again.
I know it is hard, I have a relative like that. You and your wife need to be firm and respectful at the same time. It takes tact, committment, and a lot of communication between your wife and yourself, but it is worth it mentally in the long run. Your wife's and your primary concern is the health and well-being of your own family first, then everyone else, even mother's.
Sorry, this is the best I could do. I will pray for you.
Re: meddling family
Hi.
I've read your story gee what a chaos in your house, you and your wife dont even have any privacy now. Can't her cousin live some where else i mean other family memeber or something? Hmmm and about your mom in law she is a heart patience then how she travel and come to ur place? (just a question) But i think its better that your cousin go live somewhere else so that you and your wife also have space and privacy.
Nilu.
Re: meddling family
kia baat hai.......bachai hotai hi logon kai par nikal aain hain.......maaaiyn bardashth nahin ho rahin thorai dinoan kai liyai........mother is always cristicising........wait till sb comes n says she has self-esteem and love n respect issues.......seriously, u think if she isn't going to tell u how to raise kids anybody else will!.......thorai dinoan ki baat hai... ....u cant do anything....bear wid it!.......yehi mauqh reh gaya hai, MIL koa rasta dikhanay ka?.....u dont cut off family on occcasions of child birth!
Re: meddling family
nilu, she had bypass operation two years ago, and takes medicine for it now but she is ok now alhamdullilah. we have been married thirteen years, next month is our 14th anniversary, but ever since the first day her mom has been like this. my wife had therapy for depression seven years ago beacuse her family problems got to a head. she feels her mother is controlling. my father in law is a good man and everyone has made use of him, so i try to help him out. now this morning the wife's brother came to have lunch with us and all three (cousin, brother and mother) are locked up in their respective bedrooms, cousin is asleep and brother and mom are sleeping in her room. I am trying and have always tried to be a good "spare" son to this family, since we are the elder, but always whatever we do we fall short of their expectations. my wife too is tired, and now with the kids she is ultra protective and her mom doesnt like this. she wants to take care of her grandkids herself, her language is not very refined and my wife says to say "aap" with the kids so they learn manners but MIL says "aie tu ka karri" etc.. to them. MIL even says she wants to take the kids back with her! we are of course worried how all this will end up, and she only came last week! on day one she cried that my wife doesn't pray and is a kaffir, on day two she cried that my wife won't let her do diaper change (my wife says mummy you are not a servant, just play with the kids), on day three she tried to feed the kids mirchi wali daal and my wife stopped her, on day four she cried beacuse wife won't let her give the babies desi herbal treatment for teething etc.. she says to my wife "haan tum log bohot educated hogai ho aur mai jahil hoon (MIL was a science teacher)". I am fed up.
Re: meddling family
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Re: meddling family
the cousin has been here three months trying to find a job. she told us that she will leave at end of december/early jan, so we are waiting to her from her on that. it is just a few more days, so i am not worried there. it's only that, while she does not talk much and ignores us, she makes free use of my wife's kitchen and wife doesn not like that but now she is used to it, and when she does speak anything it is very acidic. the cousin was raised with my wife so she is more sister than cousin, and the MIL is always on her side because she is her dead sister's daughter, so we let it go.
Re: meddling family
Dude, there is estrogen over-flow in your house at the moment. This is like living hell. You need to reduce the women count in your house. Send the cosuin packing with a roommate and tell your MIL that PIA is offering free tickets to Pak.
Re: meddling family
you are right about that funguy!
Re: meddling family
i really do feel for you love, not to mention your poor wife and kids, its not a healthy environment for children to be raised in, you MIL requires serious help.
I think minah_pa has summed it up quite well, sometimes you need to be firm and hope that one day the elders will understand.
As for the cousin...oh boy would i tell her where to go!!
Chick theres only so much pleasing and helping others one can do...you need to put your wife and your children first, you MIL is old enough to know better.
Just think, if you can cope with this, you can deal with anything, you'l be a stronger person at the end of it!!
If all else fails i would do what Funguy suggested.
Re: meddling family
thanks for all your prayers and advice guys!
Re: meddling family
parents can advise, but there are ways to do that, they need to treat theit grown children like adults, and be mindful of how they treat them, mutual respect is important.
The fact that the lady is throwing a temper tantrum and not eating indicates that she has issues. You can be upset without resorting to emotional blackmail stuff like this.
I dont think that our buddy reincarnation or his wife would mind advise from the mother, but how it is delivered, and when it is delivered and how often it is delivered is very important.
elders are not always right, they dont always know what to do and they dont always handle things right, age is a chronological number and while experience is important, they are not always right just because of the fact that they are older.
But in the spirit of “if she will nto tell you how to raise kids, who will”, one can say that if these guys dont tell her that she is acting like a nagging, whiny. attention seeking grump, who will 
Re: meddling family
hey reincarnation, this is a rather simple but hard skill to master. just dont let it bother you, become a chikna gharra as they say, it all just slides right off.
Re: meddling family
I have a very hard time believing a mother would do all this to
her own daughter, not that I doubt what u wrote.
It's very surprising to hear about this kind of behavior.
Sorry I don't have any advice to give u but I wanted to say
I can understand what U and your wife is going thru.
Did u have twins btw?
Re: meddling family
I think you’re just exaggerating, you probably have more of a problem with your mother-in-law than your wife does, I mean most normal people wouldn’t mind their parents giving them grief coz they’d no it’s not with bad intention, or maybe with age they’ve got a few loose screws upstairs so it's not their fault.