I found a certain bit of advice of a poster’s mom highly beneficial and I wondered if others agreed to this as well.
**“dheko, yay log jaisain hain, waise hi rahainge. ye mat samajnha kay tumhare liye koi badlayga, ya tumhain samajnai ko kyoi koshish karega. Tumhain badalna hoga unkay liye. Inka rahain sahain humsay kaafi alag hai, or agar tumahain lagta hai ke tum nahin adjust karpaogi, tho phir ye rishta khatam kardo. Agar shaadi karni hai, tho phir apne aap ko itna masboot kardo, ke kisi ki baat tumpay assar hi na karay. 6 months baad mujse mat aakay kehna ke tumhari saas nai tumhe toka hai ya feelings hurt kiye hain…”
**It is similar to the advice of my Nani, who used to say something along the lines of
**“doli mey ja rahi ho, kafan mey hi wapis ana”
**I think these sort of words of wisdom came from experienced women with successful marriages (who kept their families together and were dignified in every sense of the word), but this opinion is not shared by all.
Do you agree or disagree to the above? Are you of the opinion that such advice is timeless or outdated?
It is similar to the advice of my Nani, who used to say something along the lines of
"doli mey ja rahi ho, kafan mey hi wapis ana"
C'mon - elders should be , you know , giving confidence to their young ones , when they commence such an important phase of their lives ...
This Doli mein Jana - kafan mein wapas ana - yea doli mein jaNa or mar kar hi us ghar se wapas nikalNa is kind of a mild harassment in my dictionary .
Basically you are telling her ' Oi you dont worth a piece of tension for us any more - we are done and dusted with you ' ..
It is good to teach your kids the vitality of making compromises in a married life but you should also draw a line by telling them that on what cost it should be done and on what it shouldn't ..
it is all about keeping the freaking balance - you dont cater their childish attitudes after the marriage but you also dont let them feel that they have no shoulders to cry on ..
^ I disagree Naabigh. We know and are certain of the love of our families/parents. We need to fully commit to the bond of marriage for it to succeed. That is the thinking behind saying such things
I'd never give my daughter or granddaughter this advice. Seems cruel to me - like telling her you're on your own now, the doors of your parents' house are closed to you forever. I'd have been heartbroken if my mom said this to me on my wedding day.
What mom told me was (not her exact words :) ) Treat your new family as you'd treat us, but don't take bull**** from anyone for too long.
I'd never give my daughter or granddaughter this advice. Seems cruel to me - like telling her you're on your own now, the doors of your parents' house are now closed to you forever. I'd have been heartbroken if my mom said this to me on my wedding day.
What mom told me was (not her exact words :) ) Treat your new family as you'd treat us, but don't take bull** from anyone for too long**.
I agree with the first one but not the latter. And there is a huge difference between the two.
Why i agree with the 1st one;
Well it is quite simple; You can’t have your cake and eat it too . There is a price for everything and every decision that you make. Ofcourse that doesnt mean that you let the family, you willing married into against their wishes, ridicule you but at the same time you can’t and shouldn’t expect to not only welcome to their family but also change their ways for you.
That’s why i always feel it is very important to see that the family that you are getting married into is on same wavelength as you or atleast has similiar lifestyle/views like yours. Otherwise it does get very difficult and perhaps impossible to make it work.
@ Dem. ^ is why precisely i have the stand i do on “not marrying into a family with a different school of thought (shia vs sunni)”.
As for 2nd quote in your post, i definately don’t agree. Yes, i do believe divorce/seperation should be the last option after you have tried out every way of making it work however i won’t stretch it to the limit where your marriage becomes more important than your life.
This quote was lifted from my post in Marriage Stories..and yes, it is verbatim the words that were spoken by my late mother, because I wrote everything down in my journals, which I still keep to this day.....
there is always a choice...you can either moan and groan and get your panties in a wad everytime your SIL, MIL,FIL looks at you crooked, OR you can live your life happily with your spouse and build your family. This quote was taken from my post, and this is just a small example of the wisdom I was brought up with. I am living proof that if you adopt these ideals in your married life, you will have a succesful marriage, inshallah...here are just a few tidbits of the crap that i have put up with from my in-laws, and Alhamdullilah, i have NEVER let them effect my marriage;
while going through my bouts of infertility/ivf, caught a taped conversation of my MIL complaining to my nand on how I was damaged goods, ruined her son's life and was dumped by a former fiancee because he found out I was infertile and couldn't have kids (totally not true, had never been engaged before and basically she was accusing me of sleeping around)
once had a bag of besan thrown at me by my MIL, because I did not know that memon/kachi people eat dahi ki karri on kichri..I'm hyderabadi, our version of kichri is completely different, and we definitely do not eat it with karri, so I did not have any besan in the house for her to cook with
my in-laws didn't even come to my mother's namaz e janaza because my BIL was busy at this store (which was 5 miles away from the masjid, and it was on Jummah)
i was on complete and total bedrest with my second pregnancy (twins), and my oldest was only 18 months old at the time..my MIL decided to leave and go back to KHI, 5 DAYS before I went into premature labor, knowing full well that I could deliver at any given moment...
I can go on and on with volumes of such instances, and many more serious ones that have happened, but aside from this post...you will NEVER see me complain about my inlaws in Life1 threads or moan and groan about mistreatment, because I live by the advice given to by mom because it's true...I married by choice, knew full well that I would be entering a family that was not accepting of me, and that my husband was not the type to pick fights with his mother.
So I chose to suck it up, and live my life the way parents taught me...in one ear and out the other...with dignity and respect. And it must be working, because in the 13 years I've been married, I've never once left my home or husband to go back to Ammi's house, nor have I EVER shouted, cursed, abused or neglected my MIL. She is what she is...an elderly, widowed
uneducated (she cannot read or write) women who is just bitter about everything. She treats all three of her DIL's the same. Unsay kya muqabla karoongi may? Kya faida? Apni hi dimaag gharab hoga.
I am not trying to sound like a saint here, I am human and I do have feelings and they do get hurt. I may vent my frustrations every now and do then, but I do not let them overshadow my life.
I can give you an example from my sister's life (well, she got the same advice from mom too :) ). Her in-laws are generally okay, but they love to find faults with sis's daughter. "She is too loud" "Too bold" "Spends too much time on the phone". Now, my niece is one of the nicest teenagers I know, but she does get upset with these constant accusations and fault-finding (she is a teen after all!). It got really bad when the in-laws came to live with my sister during my niece's final exams. My sister could see that her daughter was upset and angry all the time because her grandparents cut her no slack. One particular incident ended in my niece being in tears because the grandparents kept taunting her about waking up late (she had stayed up all night studying). That made my sister put her foot down - she firmly told her in laws to not disturb her daughter while she was studying and any complaint they had about their granddaughter should come to her (my sis) only. Plus she and my bro-in-law have agreed to not invite in-laws over during niece's exams. This may seem rude to some, but her daughter's mental well being was at stake, and her in-laws refused to behave like adults.
@ Dem. ^ is why precisely i have the stand i do on "not marrying into a family with a different school of thought (shia vs sunni)".
As for 2nd quote in your post, i definately don't agree. Yes, i do believe divorce/seperation should be the last option after you have tried out every way of making it work however i won't stretch it to the limit where your marriage becomes more important than your life.
Chalo Shia sunni ko zara side pe rakho, how about the situation where you did the background check, THOUGHT that schools of thought are similar, but later they turn out not to be similar.
There is only so much control we have over background checks and their validity. What do you do then? How compromising are you then?
This quote was lifted from my post in Marriage Stories..and yes, it is verbatim the words that were spoken by my late mother, because I wrote everything down in my journals, which I still keep to this day.....
there is always a choice...you can either moan and groan and get your panties in a wad everytime your SIL, MIL,FIL looks at you crooked, OR you can live your life happily with your spouse and build your family. This quote was taken from my post, and this is just a small example of the wisdom I was brought up with. I am living proof that if you adopt these ideals in your married life, you will have a succesful marriage, inshallah...here are just a few tidbits of the crap that i have put up with from my in-laws, and Alhamdullilah, i have NEVER let them effect my marriage;
while going through my bouts of infertility/ivf, caught a taped conversation of my MIL complaining to my nand on how I was damaged goods, ruined her son's life and was dumped by a former fiancee because he found out I was infertile and couldn't have kids (totally not true, had never been engaged before and basically she was accusing me of sleeping around)
once had a bag of besan thrown at me by my MIL, because I did not know that memon/kachi people eat dahi ki karri on kichri..I'm hyderabadi, our version of kichri is completely different, and we definitely do not eat it with karri, so I did not have any besan in the house for her to cook with
my in-laws didn't even come to my mother's namaz e janaza because my BIL was busy at this store (which was 5 miles away from the masjid, and it was on Jummah)
i was on complete and total bedrest with my second pregnancy (twins), and my oldest was only 18 months old at the time..my MIL decided to leave and go back to KHI, 5 DAYS before I went into premature labor, knowing full well that I could deliver at any given moment...
I can go on and on with volumes of such instances, and many more serious ones that have happened, but aside from this post...you will NEVER see me complain about my inlaws in Life1 threads or moan and groan about mistreatment, because I live by the advice given to by mom because it's true...I married by choice, knew full well that I would be entering a family that was not accepting of me, and that my husband was not the type to pick fights with his mother.
So I chose to suck it up, and live my life the way parents taught me...in one ear and out the other...with dignity and respect. And it must be working, because in the 13 years I've been married, I've never once left my home or husband to go back to Ammi's house, nor have I EVER shouted, cursed, abused or neglected my MIL. She is what she is...an elderly, widowed
uneducated (she cannot read or write) women who is just bitter about everything. She treats all three of her DIL's the same. Unsay kya muqabla karoongi may? Kya faida? Apni hi dimaag gharab hoga.
I am not trying to sound like a saint here, I am human and I do have feelings and they do get hurt. I may vent my frustrations every now and do then, but I do not let them overshadow my life.
:P I like your post, but I can't locate the "like" button..
:P So this is me "liking" it.
Well done by your sister.
I can give you an example from my sister's life (well, she got the same advice from mom too :) ). Her in-laws are generally okay, but they love to find faults with sis's daughter. "She is too loud" "Too bold" "Spends too much time on the phone". Now, my niece is one of the nicest teenagers I know, but she does get upset with these constant accusations and fault-finding (she is a teen after all!). It got really bad when the in-laws came to live with my sister during my niece's final exams - happened 2 years in a row. My sister could see that her daughter was upset and angry all the time because her grandparents cut her no slack. One particular incident ended in my niece being in tears because the grandparents kept taunting her about her waking up late (she had stayed up all night studying). That made my sister put her foot down - she firmly told her in laws to not disturb her daughter while she was studying and any complaint they had about their granddaughter should come to her (my sis) only. Plus she and my bro-in-law have agreed to not invite in-laws over during niece's exams. This may seem rude to some, but her daughter's mental well being was at stake, and her in-laws refused to behave like adults.
**It is similar to the advice of my Nani, who used to say something along the lines of
**"doli mey ja rahi ho, kafan mey hi wapis ana"
I see the wisdom in what that poster's (can't remember her name) mom had advised........but I don't see any wisdom in your nani's saying....which is a classic saying in Desi culture.....but 've always found the wording to be extreme and disturbing.
Yes, I agree that one should try their best to make a marriage work...but sometimes things don't get better. Parents' home should always be open to their daugthers.....in times of happiness and adversity.
I agree that my nani was from an extremely old school of thought, but @khattichic wouldn't you agree that both schools of thought (ie your mom's and my nani's) are similar?
I see the wisdom in what that poster's (can't remember her name) mom had advised........but I don't see any wisdom in your nani's saying....which is a classic saying in Desi culture.....but 've always found the wording to be extreme and disturbing.
Yes, I agree that one should try their best to make a marriage work...but sometimes things don't get better. Parents' home should always be open to their daugthers.....in times of happiness and adversity.
. There is a price for everything and every decision that you make. Ofcourse that doesnt mean that you let the family, you willing married into against their wishes, ridicule you but at the same time you can’t and shouldn’t expect to not only welcome to their family but also change their ways for you.
.