Re: Materal words of wisdom
Again, I reiterate, why should mothers instill such a principle in their children? I understand compromising with the partner in order to harmonize but changing for the entire family is beyond me unless of course one lives in a joint family system where ye must eat others' sh!t and pretend to like it too. I understand going the extra mile to make people happy sometimes but babying around adults for the rest of your life... je ne comprends pas :/
Re: Materal words of wisdom
Again, I reiterate, why should mothers instill such a principle in their children? I understand compromising with the partner in order to harmonize but changing for the entire family is beyond me unless of course one lives in a joint family system where ye must eat others' sh!t and pretend to like it too. I understand going the extra mile to make people happy sometimes but babying around adults for the rest of your life*... je ne comprends pas :/*
:) it's alright. It is refreshing to see a different opinion. What is your opinion then?
Re: Materal words of wisdom
Simpal opinion hai: be kind and respectful, know when to keep your mouth shut to keep the peace but don't appease the childishness in adults all the time, it just propagates it.
But then again, I just don't like playing the mental babysitter for anyone shuns herself from the holy foundation of life that is marriage
Re: Materal words of wisdom
I don't think they're so similar, Demesne. That poster's mom was telling her daughter to not come to her with complaints and that she should develop a tougher skin and some tolerance........she wasn't barring her daugther from coming to her maternal home. That saying disgusts me. I recently read a novel by an Indian writer which included such sayings and beliefs and the main character was being severely abused by her husband. If I had a daugther in the future, my home is always open to her. I will try to keep emotion out of the advice and not advise her in a way that will only fuel matters for her.......but she should always be able to turn to me. That's what parents are for. That's the kind of relationship I'd want with my own parents and siblings......being there for one another. Such "wise" sayings....I don't care how ancient they are....disgust me.
Re: Materal words of wisdom
:P I like your post, but I can't locate the "like" button..
:P So this is me "liking" it.
Well done by your sister.
Thanks Demesne!
Re: Materal words of wisdom
**"dheko, yay log jaisain hain, waise hi rahainge. ye mat samajnha kay tumhare liye koi badlayga, ya tumhain samajnai ko kyoi koshish karega. Tumhain badalna hoga unkay liye. Inka rahain sahain humsay kaafi alag hai, or agar tumahain lagta hai ke tum nahin adjust karpaogi, tho phir ye rishta khatam kardo. Agar shaadi karni hai, tho phir apne aap ko itna masboot kardo, ke kisi ki baat tumpay assar hi na karay. 6 months baad mujse mat aakay kehna ke tumhari saas nai tumhe toka hai ya feelings hurt kiye hain..."
**It is similar to the advice of my Nani, who used to say something along the lines of
"doli mey ja rahi ho, kafan mey hi wapis ana"
The first advice, I agree with 100%. In fact, my mom told me something VERY similar right after my engagement. My fiance and I come from totally different cultures (although both desi) and this causes issues at times. Him and I are fine....MY parents are fine since they're very laid back....but his parents bring up drama now and then. It's nothing major that would cause us to break up....but the little annoyances....but thankfully fiance realizes his parents are irrational so that certainly helps.
Its funny that my mother never gave me any "advice" before the engagement (I've been dating him for 3 years). Even when I'd mention to her little things that his parents did or said that would bother me. But earlier this year...once the engagement happened.....since then my mother always listens....and pretty much tells me the above advice. Instead of a mother-daughter conversation....its more of a woman-woman conversation. She also tells me little stories when she had to deal with her in-laws (ie. my dada/dadi) over the years and uses them as examples.
I will say one thing about my parents that I'm grateful for.....at least so far...they have NEVER once said anything negative about my in-laws. I had a situation right after the engagement where my in-laws said some things about me....in front of me....that left me in a rage for weeks. Even when I vented to my parents about that......my mom never bad-mouthed them or said anything negative. She stuck to her advice that stuff happens....people say things without thinking or out-of-anger....and if I love my fiance and want him in my life....there will be things like this I'll need to put up with. No marriage is perfect. As long as my fiance/husband is on my side...that's all that matters. My mother always reminds me that I should not have any expectation that his family will change "their ways" b/c of me. If I don't like "their ways"......and am not willing to put up with it.....then its best that I not enter into this marriage.
Given the amount of divorces I see due to my work....I do believe a major problem in marriage is lack of committment. And yes, this expectation that the spouse or the in-laws will change after marriage also contributes to the breakdown of a marriage. People expect marriage to be all lovey-dovey and don't realize that its requires work. Cheating on your spouse and/or separation/filing divorce b/c of petty arguments or little annoyances is immature and irresponsible (especially when there are children involved!). Most parents don't realize what effect divorce has on children. They're in denial about the hurt/anger/resentment/self-blame they cause their children.
And before marriage....people really need to honest with THEMSELVES about what they vision is of a married life....and find a partner who will help them fulfill that vision. For example, if you're a woman who wants to be a house wife/stay-home-mom....then make sure you marry a man who has a job that pay him enough to support that lifestyle! Otherwise, this will cause major tension later on. If you have issues with joint families...then marry a man who is ok with not living with is parents (instead of marrying him and bit*hing about the living situation afterwards).
As for the **2nd **advice from you nani....I respectfully disagree. That's telling the child that once married...you are not welcome back into the home. I believe parents should always make it crystal-clear that the daughter (and son) are welcome to seek their advice/help is the need ever arises....and that the parents door are ALWAYS open for them.
And the thread is about what you do once you get there. Do you stick it out, come hell or high water? Or not?
Not always. There are situations where separation/divorce is justified. In situation where there is some sort of abuse (physical, emotional, or both).......situations where one of the spouse is doing something that puts the family in some type of danger (alcohol/drug abuse.....gambling addiction etc).....then yes, there is no reason for anyone to stay in a marriage if they're (including the children) not safe (physically & emotionally).
Re: Materal words of wisdom
Just because an elderly person says it doesn't make it wise or correct.
Re: Materal words of wisdom
^ I really like that u brought up safety of children concerned as a no-compromise issue
Re: Materal words of wisdom
Elders' advice isn't always right because they were right,
it's usually because they have been wrong in situations and are experienced now from their mistakes.
Just because an elderly person says it doesn't make it wise or correct.
Re: Materal words of wisdom
One should definitely begin their married life with the resolve to make it work rather than thinking if anything goes wrong, I can always run back to mom and dad. The first advice of khattichic's mom reflects that. What your Nani said is something alot of people of that generation used to advise their daughters at the time of their marriages. It is kind of extreme. It's like saying our doors are closed on you ..no matter how screwed up things get.
The best advice I got from my mom was based on these lines..
*'think of that home as YOUR home now. You can make or break it. Own that family. You are **just a **person moving into their family. While all of them would definitely accomodate and let you adjust, don't expect them to change their entire lifestyle for a single person i.e you. Initially it is a ride uphill..adapt what they like, what they do! Once things would settle, you'd realise things would be the way you want to be. But don't let your self esteem get crushed ever. We are always there for you.' *
Re: Materal words of wisdom
EXACTLY my dads words i was touched and felt so good after hearing it
I'd never give my daughter or granddaughter this advice. Seems cruel to me - like telling her you're on your own now, the doors of your parents' house are closed to you forever. I'd have been heartbroken if my mom said this to me on my wedding day.
What mom told me was (not her exact words :) ) Treat your new family as you'd treat us, but don't take bull** from anyone for too long**.
Re: Materal words of wisdom
de-mesne
Interesting thought from your side, but a part of me agrees with blackforest. to be very honest if i had a sister i would not want such a live for her. i would want to her to life, love, and be happy not a psychological slave
Again, I reiterate, why should mothers instill such a principle in their children? I understand compromising with the partner in order to harmonize but changing for the entire family is beyond me unless of course one lives in a joint family system where ye must eat others' sh!t and pretend to like it too. I understand going the extra mile to make people happy sometimes but babying around adults for the rest of your life... je ne comprends pas :/
Re: Materal words of wisdom
haan behnon ki baat toh alag hi hoti hey na
but at the end of the day, in our society, is a woman more fulfilled if she manages to live within her inlaws in a respectable manner, or is separating from them going to solve psychological issues?
In our society, I think there would be more psychological pressure and problem if one doesn't adjust to inlaws and moves away back to family who are there to shelter and support no?
de-mesne
Interesting thought from your side, but a part of me agrees with blackforest. to be very honest if i had a sister i would not want such a live for her. i would want to her to life, love, and be happy not a psychological slave
Re: Materal words of wisdom
Exactly RV!!! My mother tried to instill her daughters consequences for our choices. I did not go into my marriage with blinders on, I went in fully knowing that I was not going to get the laad pyar from my inlaws that I had grown up with in my own family. However, the fact that I met my soulmate in my husband, and he fully had my back, made the trade off worth it for me. My mother’s doors were always open for me, and in no way would she EVER have condoned me staying in an unhappy marriage/ or god forbid, subject myself to domestic violence, etc. I could always turn to her whenever I wanted to. However, she did not let me whine and cry about every snub, insult and shoddy behavior on the part of my in-laws, because I knew what I was getting into. End of story.
Demesne, I understand where you are coming from too…:k: