Re: Marrying
Marry him if you want, don't if you dont wanna. Woukd you rather be unhappy for the rest of your life provided you dont learn to like him or unhappy right now?
Re: Marrying
So you think you might not find anyone better right? I think that's what you're saying. I feel that way too at times but i'd rather be single and happy then in a life long relationship where there is not respect or caring no attraction.
Go into marriage seeing this guy as a life long partner. Do you two see that in each other when you spend time with him. If you don't really like or respect the dude now, imagine as his good looks and your good looks diminish and all you have is each other's company and personalities to go by. Do you feel anything when you gaze into his eyes or is it just blah and all the reasons you don't respect him that come up in your mind. Don't settle for something that's not working for you.
If you have opportunities, family gathering, Pakistani association events, go out there, believe in your standards, and try to find the person you want. Key phrase is "life long partner". It's better to be independent and happy than it is to be in a relationship with someone you have to settle for at the end of the day or a relationship where it's torture and like a cage. Imagine how he sees it if he ever found out that you're just settling for him even if you don't really like him much.
You need a solid foundation, respect, care, that spark and attraction for each other for the marriage to last a lifetime. Marriage is not something you rush into or get into as a result of pressure(societal or from you yourself).
Re: Marrying
I don't really understand how you can put so much on marriage making you happy.
A marriage can't do that for you if you yourself are not happy about your life and in which direction it's going.
The guy, whoever you do decide to marry, is not responsible for your happiness, YOU ARE!
I don't understand how as women, so many of us depend on men to make us happy. Have you ever heard a man saying that?
I'm sorry but if you aren't happy with your life right now, re-evaluate it and find out what's causing you unhappiness?
You can't marry someone and rely on them to miraculously change your life and make you happy. That's never going to happen.
At the end of the day, it's your life, and being married to someone who you are not compatible with or who you don't respect, etc, etc. is just way too much life wasted. If it's going to be that miserable for you marrying this guy, then don't. You only live ONCE. People forget that and you shouldn't just waste it away feeling sad and depressed.
If you don't see a life or a future with him, don't see yourself having kids and a family life with him, then don't ruin his life either.
Re: Marrying
one of the same. no one is forcing me except my own life circumstances .
which are?
Yes but it is better to be married than not at all.
not at all.
I see so many girls in pakistan compromise all the time and they do it so happily. So why am I finding it so hard
who cares what other people do? They live with their choices, you live with yours. You're not better or worse than any of them and they're not better or worse than you.
No there will not be divorce here. It is in the family close relation. No one else will marry him and if they do they won't stay so he will never divorce me.
so why resignh yourself to a life sentence with this guy?
I'm not confused I'm just depressed. I don't know maybe I'm not being thankful.
Seems like you are depressed. NO you don't have to be "thankful" that you have "bad" proposals because other girls don't have proposals. It doesn't really work like that......first of all stop comparing yourself to other people. If other girls compromise, good for them,.....you're not in tehir shoes. At the end of the day YOU have to live with whatever you decide...
In a way you do seem unthankful, because you're forcing yourself into a life of misery with someone that makes you unhappy.
Why have such a low standard for your life?
Marriage isn't bollywood/hollywood, but it certainly shouldn't be done "just to get it out of the way" or "u have to do it anyway." You should want it, you shoul be happy and excited about a person when you marry them. Not....the way you're feeling right now.
Re: Marrying
And his mom is big b---- and a gossip queen. She's put me down so many times too. I hate her.
Re: Marrying
^
Such a nice way to describe your future MIL? Your parents brought you up well.
Re: Marrying
did you read her story? 
Re: Marrying
No. Her ranting got in the way. Please summarise?
Re: Marrying
No. Her ranting got in the way. Please summarise?
i'm very bad at summarizing. her in-laws aren't angels and her fiance sucks, tbh...probably that will suffice! :)
Re: Marrying
Does he even know your feelings?
Re: Marrying
Feeling comfortable with a guy even when i'm not looking my best. Like right before going to sleep, we take our makeup off, got our glasses on, face lotion on our face,....finding a person that still looked at me like he's in love with me even after we wake up after our 6-7 hour hibernation. Having that comfort level with him at those times with all of our insecurities. Or when we're sick and gross and not at our best, someone that would still love and care for us like a close friend would. I don't even feel comfortable with my female friends during those times. It seems impossible to find someone special like that and one with whom things come together with where a future is plausible with minimum negatives.
I'm just rambling on since this thread is related to all that.
Re: Marrying
.
Re: Marrying
Ice Baby, if you're sincere, let me share with you that I'm going through the same thing.
But been realizing (hard way I guess) that if you're just settling just to settle, then you're inviting trouble into your life.
You deserve to be super happy on the day of your marriage, you deserve to really like your partner, and you should be able to respect him.
That's ideal I know. Most guys in our community are seriously not worth respecting, unfortunately, for one reason or other, but keep looking, talk to everyone, don't be too picky, and maybe someone will surprise you.
I think a lot of women just go along with a marriage, just for the sake of being married, and they're not necessarily happy. It causes problems in the marriage in the long run when you go down that road.
Re: Marrying
And his mom is big b---- and a gossip queen. She's put me down so many times too. I hate her.
Then you break up with him, and let him know how his mom played a role in your decision.
People deserve feedback.
Re: Marrying
The last guy, he came to visit this country. He came empty handed after Umrah. No khajoor, no zam zam, and his mom sent nothing. His mom called one time in February, after that no further calls. Then she complained that we didn't call her to wish her congrats on her umrah, and meanwhile we were planning on calling her, we just didn't know their flight times and I was busy with work, etc, so I didn't find out they were leaving until few days prior to their flight. So that was my mother's fault in their opinion, when my mom had no clue they were going for umrah. My parents DID call the day before they went off and they did not bring up the fact that their son was going to fly here and meet me where I live alone and if that would be ok, or should he come to where my parents are, etc. His aunt, who set up the rishta, did it via text between me and the guy, never once calling my mom although she has been seeing my mom at parties since my mother has been in this country. Like past 40 years.
I told him, um, sorry, we don't build rishtas like this where families don't pick up the phone and call, and where no one in the guy's family sends gifts. His response was "Where are my gifts?" Because in their families, the boy gets showered with gifts, not the girl, although we made it clear upfront we are not giving him a house or car, as is traditionally done in THEIR families.
I broke it off, and he agreed 2 days later it was the right decision, and we parted ways, and honestly I haven't missed him. I definitely cried over the idea that I wasn't getting married, but that's about it. I now realize that if I missed his conversations only for a day, then man, what was marriage life going to be like???
:-/
It's better to be alone than be with someone you're not compatible with, have no feelings for, and worst of all, have no respect for. A woman who doesn't respect and admire her husband = set up for a disaster.
Re: Marrying
The last guy, he came to visit this country. He came empty handed after Umrah. No khajoor, no zam zam, and his mom sent nothing. His mom called one time in February, after that no further calls. Then she complained that we didn't call her to wish her congrats on her umrah, and meanwhile we were planning on calling her, we just didn't know their flight times and I was busy with work, etc, so I didn't find out they were leaving until few days prior to their flight. So that was my mother's fault in their opinion, when my mom had no clue they were going for umrah. My parents DID call the day before they went off and they did not bring up the fact that their son was going to fly here and meet me where I live alone and if that would be ok, or should he come to where my parents are, etc. His aunt, who set up the rishta, did it via text between me and the guy, never once calling my mom although she has been seeing my mom at parties since my mother has been in this country. Like past 40 years.
I told him, um, sorry, we don't build rishtas like this where families don't pick up the phone and call, and where no one in the guy's family sends gifts. His response was "Where are my gifts?" Because in their families, the boy gets showered with gifts, not the girl, although we made it clear upfront we are not giving him a house or car, as is traditionally done in THEIR families.
I broke it off, and he agreed 2 days later it was the right decision, and we parted ways, and honestly I haven't missed him. I definitely cried over the idea that I wasn't getting married, but that's about it. I now realize that if I missed his conversations only for a day, then man, what was marriage life going to be like???
:-/
It's better to be alone than be with someone you're not compatible with, have no feelings for, and worst of all, have no respect for. A woman who doesn't respect and admire her husband = set up for a disaster.
Thanks for the reply pyaricgurdia but i kinda like the guy but i just don't like his mom. And as for his dad well he is getting better but he's still shady. But i'm realizing after my mom told me that nothing can be perfect and if you want to basao your ghar then you gotta put up with some stuff that maybe you don't want to.
And i hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.
Re: Marrying
This is exactly the type of Pakistani female mentality that results in women STAYING with men who treat them like garbage, abuse them, cheat on them or do other really horrible things to them because having the STATUS of being married is EVERTHING to pakistani women otherwise “mehfil mey koi respect ney miley gee” 
Re: Marrying
Well if she likes the guy, then I suggest she move past how her potential mother in law is, UNLESS she believes it will be a deal breaker for her.
Only you know your patience level. I know I couldn't deal with a mother in law like that so I don't even go for those sort of situations, but other women are more patient, so power to them.
Re: Marrying
I never said he was going to treat me like garbage. he’s been nice and sweet to me so far but i don’t know after marriage because he definetly has issues. He even went to fight soemeone for me and he had to be stopped. People will raise their eyebrows though when they find out who I’m marrying but oh well.
Re: Marrying
Thanks for the reply pyaricgurdia but i kinda like the guy but i just don't like his mom. And as for his dad well he is getting better but he's still shady. But i'm realizing after my mom told me that nothing can be perfect and if you want to basao your ghar then you gotta put up with some stuff that maybe you don't want to.
And i hope things work out for you whatever you decide to do.
Okay so now you kinda like him. But you started off your thread saying you don't respect him. You're all over the place and you're being cryptic. This is not your first time being vague and cryptic in your threads/posts.
So, what exactly is your purpose? Are you hoping one of us will say something that'll make you slam down on the brakes and not marry him? That can't be it cuz you keep telling us that you can't back out of the rishta. Are you hoping one of us will say things will turn out beautifully post-shadi? Sorry, we can't look into the future. Do you want us to give you a thumbs up to marry this guy given your feelings toward him and his family? That isn't happening, you're not being encouraged here. Are you looking for suggestions on how to communicate with him or respond to conflicts with him and your potential in-laws? Cuz if you are, I haven't come across it. So, tell us how we can help you?