marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

no you wouldn't feel guilty! jesus. i'm assuming that when marrying your non-cousin-hubby, they were put thru the same rigorous testing that all other guys are put through, and when you said yes, you did so willingly and happily and therefore, why would you be in an unhappy marriage? why is the alternative so negative?
what if you turned down a fabulous guy to marry your loser cousin cos he was in the khandaan? wouldn't you feel like a fool for making such a horribly wrong decision? cousin or no cousin, people can be morons and people can be great. you should make a decision on whom to marry based on your own personal requirements instead of whether they're related to you or not.

22

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

First things first. Why are you vigourously assuming things like she s unhappy?
She was asking advice about health issues and such :)
There are loads and if's in life and both need to be taken into account when making heavy descinions. You are assuming things like loser cousin etc. etc. Are you a relative of his or are all your cousins lozers?
Like you said, morons can be everwhere. Cousin or no cousin.

23

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

no, no, you misunderstood... i was just asking why the husband who is the non-cousin has to be the bad guy, whereas the cousin she didn't marry would be the good guy and the family would give her "tana's" over it. i was asking generally, when i said "you", not her specifically or her cousin. geddit? :P also she was talking generally too about things that happen generally in desi culture.

24

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Goddit :D

25

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Well I did say if other factors work out, including if she feels the same abt him ;)

What really irks me is when stuborn families will NEVER break the cousin tradition, it will nevr be an option to marry someone other than a cousin..usually its for stupid reasons like land and crap..

my phupho knew this woman who dint get married til she was ni her 40s because there was no cousin her age til some cousin who was in his 20s married her..her entire life ahd been wasted just sitting at home, and she knew her hubby was cheating on her with younger, more beautiful women...its just a sad situation, really pathetic...

26

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

it is only a problem when you have a genetic disease that comes out....and that shows up with intermarriage. coming from a family that inter marries often, i did not and my father notes that the kids of his brother whose wife was a first cousin but the parents were not...are the smartest of any of the kids on my father's side.

27

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

just read the whole tanas and issues with the non-cousin hubby-

If you come from a family that marrys in - and you don't- be prepared to have to deal with crap from some people, it is just them making themselves feel better...and it's silly. ignore it. you're happy and satisfied no one lese matters.

28

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

nazar sab aatay hain.....magar unn par bharosa karna mushkil hota hai.

In my family it comes down to how well you know the family....and what family can you know better than your own? That's the premise anyway.

Some of us have proven it wrong.

29

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Muzna

marrying into the family has its challenges too. I mean I am against marrying cousins for other reasons as well, because I kinda grew up looking at them as my sisters, so the idea is a non starter for me to begin with.

Now for those who dont have this issue, I have seen that ppl who have married into the family have more people in their business than not. does not apply to everyone I suppose but majority.

as far as bharosa goes, a large number of shadis in pakistan are these family things, and since out literature, shows, and pop culture is full of saas bahu nand bhabhi and all those conflicts, I think that the bhaorsa aspect of ppl may be over rated, because u may be able to to trust them in one context but that does not guaratee that from a married life perspective things would be okay/

30

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Trust me Fraud. I'm with you on this one for sure.

31

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

ufffffffffff this discussion has totally gotten me goin in circles...
i guess i dont care too much abt the post-marriage relationship with my khala/phupo as much as i care for having physically/mentally challenged kids..

BUT

if i refuse on my first cousin on the basis that my parents are first cousins (generically speaking) and get married outside the khandan...
what if as a fair avenge, Allah does not bless me with kids... OR they're born physically/mentally challenged or hav some kinda disability as is...

and fraudia, PLeaSE, im sure most of us think of our cousins as bhen/bhai, but once u grow up, ur parents/ his parents start having all these funny ideas in their heads....

like fnp_23 said, it's totally b/w a rock and a hard place!

32

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

\

Oh my God! Are you serious?! :smack: Why on earth would Allah punish you simply cuz you dont marry your cousin? That’s silly. Apparently you’re having doubts about the whole thing, and if you’re doubtful, then chances are he’s just not right for you. In the end, it has to be something you want, not a compromise to keep everyone in the family happy.

Personally, I dont think the cousin marriage is a great idea… it has alot of drawbacks… God forbid it doesnt work out and you end up getting divorced, you’ll lose your relatives in the process. Safest bet is to go with a non-relative. (speaking from experience here, trust me family matters get iffy when you go from a neice to a DIL.. its more complicated then you can imagine!) I dont mean to discourage you though… after all you know your family best! Just take all factors into consideration and if you feel its right, go for it!

All the best… follow your heart, you should be just fine! :slight_smile:

33

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

.. I hate this whole khandani shaadi business.. jaan ko hitler ho jatay hain.

34

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Hey the thing is to weigh the good against the bad and see what you're left with...is it something you want to do no matter what? are you willing to accept the risks etc. HECK with everyone else, just do whats best for YOU.

Aside from all that...I have to tell you that my son, the one with "issues" is just the sunshine of our lives. He may end up being a carpenter rather than a physicist but he's got the happiest disposition of any person I've ever met. He brings sunshine to every person he meets. I dont think I'd change him if given the chance, he's just a gem.

You have to think about having a "special needs" child when contemplating cousin-marriage, for sure. But your God/Allah will give you in life what He sees fit to give you yeah? Whether you marry a cousin or not.

I am so thankful for what I've been given....my sons are the sunshine of my life and have taught me endlessly about life.

If you love your partner, and your partner is just that - a partner - it makes ALL the difference.

35

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

I guess I have really relaxed parents. They encourage us to get married outside the family :smokin2:

36

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Allah does not take revenge like that, you think Allah is so petty? I mean one can have many reasons to not marry in the family, or somone outside the family. Just because something in lif does not turn out to be the way one thinks it would be does not mean god is punishing them, its life man...things happen, things define our path and who we are.

but we have to make choices which are right for us, make sense to us, and those we are happy with and comfortable with. What hapens in future is anyone's guess. we can only try to control what we think is in our control, and let the unknown come.

so if someone finds the perfect mate, says no to a number of suitors, and then starts living a happy life and then the spouse dies in some accident, is that god taking 'fair' revenge on the person for refusing others? would others with any dignity be happy at this person's loss?

And just because parents start getting funny ideas in their head does not mean you have to live your life due to some funny little ideas.

37

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

yeah my folks were the same way, dad was always cool, mata ji just got a little hoodwinked by her family, luckily it was temporary.

ladies in question later showed themselves to be real selfish and rude bizzatches, so mumzy is happy she did not like emotionally blackmail us and succeed in hooking us up with one of dem chicas.

Check BoredMan Looks Like !!!!!!
38

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

Parents can have a thousand ideas but who is getting married.. YOU? What are your ideas? Or are you not allowed to have any ideas.. funny or not? Or dont you care to have any ideas that pertain to your own life?

39

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

you said your main concern is having kids with disabilities, if everything else is working out put your trust in allah and go for it; whats the guarantee that that wont happen even if you marry outside the family? make the best decision w/ the information you have before you and leave the rest to allah

40

Re: marrying your cousin when your parents are first cousins..

I've seen birth defects with people not related to eachother getting married and cousins getting married. So there is no set rule.
I have seen people where every single one of their babies died within a year of being born due to some genetic disorder. They were first cousins who got married.
Another couple whose son had a rare genetic disease and died w/in a couple of years. Not related. The husband carried the gene and passed it on to the baby.
May Allah swt keep us all safe.
If you keep on marrying first cousins then yes the recessive gene will eventually become dominant after a # of cycles.