Marrying Within Ethnicity

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m talking to a number of guys, and it is so surprising to me that their backgrounds and upbringing and values are so different given that they’re not Memon. When I meet Memon families and memon men, I feel more at home. They speak a tongue I’m used to hearing. I know how it rolls, as do they.

But then I talk to guys who are not memon and its just so…different.

I can’t explain it.

I’m really beginning to wonder if I should stick to my own ethnicity.

Has anyone ever had such experiences?

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

OK i am a memon too but my fiance is punjabi. I don't think it makes much difference to be honest. And we speak in english most of the time, he barely knows any urdu so it doesn't matter about the language.

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

it's natural to feel more comfortable / sense of belonging like that.. doesn't make you racist or anything., it's fine :) I feel the same sometimes; for instance I feel more comfortable talking to someone from Lahore or Islamabad than I do with people from Karachi, not because of a "race" issue but just because we have more in common as far as places we have been, maybe favorite foods or something like that, etc..

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

It's also with rasams and expectations as well. Like, with a memon family of my specific community, I know what is expected of me. And generally those families are more educated and the women often work and people get married in their 30's/late 20's. (other memon subset groups are different). In the families I've known, the whole Jahez issue is a joke. It's pretty much expected that you don't need a big dowry, and the MIL is usually pretty insistent that "we don't need all that stuff, we are just greatful to make your daughter our own". Some families have issues with the girls working after marriage, but in most cases, the women are dominating and have an equal hand in decisions and most of tthe Memon ladies in the specific memon group I'm in work or do SOMETHING with their lives.

I just don't see this in some other guys I meet. I get the sense that there's gonna be drama. That they're not used to professional women. That the men have the upper hand. That they're not simple people, but rather are showbaaz or maybe they are showbazz about religion.

I just don't know. I can't put my finger on it. The differences are even more than this. If I speak to someone who is Memon from my community, even in the Urdu language, I can relate to them.

It's just weird. I feel like I get judged more by people from ethnicities. Oh you work? Oh you live alone? Oh you want to work after marriage? Oh you want to be an equal partner?

UH YEAH, JACKARSE! WHAT PLANET WERE YOU BIRTHED ON?

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Perhaps it's because those are familial norms to , you were raised feeling close/comforable with them. In fact, most overseas Pakistanis are similar to what you described. But they might seem different if you haven't been exposed to as many or in the proper social/emotional context. I used to think like that once upon a time, but have had enough really close contact with diverse groups to think otherwise. Within Pakistanis that is. I feel like most understand each other in ways you listed. Whereas it might not be the case for, let's say, a gora/gori.

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

It may have to do with the people you're meeting?

I used to have the same issue, because having a career is very important to me; I am independent and would like to retain some of that after marriage. I used to think that to find someone who is ok with my having a career and a life outside of the house...I couldn't marry within my own community because I wasn't finding anyone.

I'd say give it time and keep an open mind...!

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Yes you should and do it before the adhesiveness is lost.

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:)

Well well thats the first shock of this week.
I am really surprised comming that from you.
I really do not mean it sarcasticly but i really thought you are openminded, liberal, progessive and enlightened and would think out of the box. Yeah kia ho gya aap ko "bassanti"?

To elobrate more "gudia" i think it has more to do with you then the memon community. I have a friend who is from a cast that is not liked in Pakistan or not very popular but he is married to a memon girl in Holland. I know people who marry and mix even the first time because only thing that connects them is their religion or the same continent (Asia) where they come from.

I really think its indiviual additude and openness towards everything that is unknown. Even those who are in Europe or go to other countries for the first time they adop the culture of the society or community they live in. Its not easy not at all but if you are willing to think out of the box its not so difficult either.

Cheers!!

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

Kabab King (Jackson Heights, Queens) owners are memon too :) PCG you should give him a call for a good rishta.

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I'm not desi but from what I've heard of the Memon community you have a lot to be proud of---enterprising, educated, value intellectual reasoning, etc. If you find yourself being comfortable with Memon guys I don't think that you need to look elsewhere on any sort of 'diversity' principal (though don't get me wrong, I think mixed relationships can be really awesome and are definitely within the spirit of Islam IMO.)

It's funny but my experience with my own community/ethnicity was the opposite from yours----I got so sick of hearing about football and beer and couldn't stand hearing guys use the term 'sweet.' So I ended up with a desi instead of a white boy. :)

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yeah same community, same mosque, same marketplace where u do your shopping, same people, same language, same clothing, same everythign that will solve many problems in the world i think :)

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

Good for you gori.

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Yes and the arabs should have stayed in middle east oh i mean S. Arabia they should not have spread the message of Islam and no one should marry from another religion let alone to a non memon or non chaudhry my goodness gracious me am i dreaming here!!! what is wrong with you people.

Its this kind of thinking which is creating problem in the world.

Roti 101 | By Sidra
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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

Marry who and where you feel comfortable. Sometimes, even between similar families and cultures you will find so many divides. And then you will click with someone who is worlds apart but somehow gets you.

Dont limit yourself to simply memon or punjabi or sindhi, keept your options open PCG.

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Hmmm, I'm confused. Why is this creating problems? I'm in a mixed marriage, so I think mixing is great. But I also don't think everyone needs to conduct their marriage search specifically including other ethnicities.

I get upset when people say "you need to stick with your own race" or when parents forbid their kids from marrying outside their caste, etc. But this is not PCG's situation. She is an open-minded girl but is finding that she gets along best with guys who share her background. So what's the big deal? The majority of people marry within their own background, it doesn't mean that they're against mixing. It just wasn't their personal choice.

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Well of course everyone is entiteled to do or say or decide what they want THANK ALLAH for that i am not against that at all. Live and Let live but..................
i am also giving my opinion and i think that one should not decide with whom to live with rest of her/his life (i thought she was talking about marriage but i may be wrong) only because of the "cast" or "ethnicity". There is more to it in life then just that. I know same ethnicity can make life little easier but thats not all in life a person should look for. I can sum up quialities but you people are mature enough to understand what i mean.

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Happyheart I think you and I definitely agree more than we disagree on this.

But from reading PCG's past threads, I think she has kept a pretty open mind to all Muslim guys. But she is noticing a pattern that she just feels more comfortable with other Memon guys. So if that floats her boat, I don't see the problem. She's not starting from a place of racism, bias, etc., actually she started her marriage search from a place of an open mind and this was just what seems to be working for her a little better now that she has had the chance to interact with a number of possible marriage prospects.

My sister married a guy from our hometown in rural New England. He's a total country redneck---very nice guy, but you know, he loves his tractor, never wants to leave the country, etc. He has a very similar background to my family, and we all went to high school together. I know my sister is very open-minded, and she has always been open-minded and loving with my Pakistani husband and his family and when I converted to Islam. And if her daughters made choices like mine to marry outside the community I know she would be very supportive. But for her, she just felt comfortable with a husband who shared her childhood memories, upbringing, etc. Being open-minded doesn't mean you have to be personally be the epitome of diversity.

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

Thanks fallenpieta. :rolleyes: I’ll be sure to call them when I head up to new york this season?

I am pretty open-minded and up until now have been purposefully looking outside my community. But I just keep running into people that think and do things very differently from myself and my family. We don’t have certain expectations and traditions you find in other ethnicities in Pakistan. Especially traditions like I described. I’d love to meet someone more like myself who is of a different community, but I think its hard to meet people who were not from Karachi who are very modernized, open-minded, educated, and not tribal.

I think the majority of Pakistan thinks Tribal, but people from Karachi don’t really have that, as we live in a huge metropolitan city. Its not a glorified village, like Lahore or Islamabad. We’re loud. We’re blunt. We’re active people, and we’re fairly westernized in our thinking. At least the Karachi crowd I know. But then if I meet people from other places in Pakistan, I find that they are too conservative and old-fashioned.

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I do not agree with you because you are now generalising and think that most educated and modern people are from Karachi and others are not as openminded as Karachiiets. I myself was born and grew up in Karachi and i think what are saying is totally discriminatoray Gudia. I think as ethnic and muslim living in the West you should know better. Thats exactly the way the West thinks about non Westerns and specially Muslims and Pakistanis that they are PAINDOO’s and believe me they do not care or differentiate wether you are from karachi or not.

In Pakistan there are 180 million people and how many of them did you meet to conclude they are not Westernised. I think you should pay a visit to Lahore or other cities in Pakistan (except Karachi) then you will see how “modernised” “liberal” or “not-so-old fashioned” they are.

Don’t forget not all memons are openminded i know most memons are conservative and they do not like to mix for some reason i never understand. I also know that not all memons live in karachi there are memons who live in Africa, India or even in Punjab. Dont misunderstand me i love them nothing against them but every group and ethnicity have their own problems and culture and thats what we have to cherish.

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Re: Marrying Within Ethnicity

Nice way to toot you own horn :)