Marrying someone raised in a different country

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

When u hate someone so much, and abhor the thought of ever living w/ them...then everything abt them becomes unbearable, i.e., dress and accent, when otherwise, they wouldn't matter if u loved the person...

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

Ok, don't gang up on me. I never bought parents in the conversation and next time before you call someone ABCD or PBCD, just think how it feels to be called a FOB. And yeah there have been gazillions of threads on this forum especially on ABCD girls. So next time when someone opens such thread on ABCD's, instead of bashing them with the crowd, I hope you two will condemn it.

It is not really about hate. If I meet a guy who doesn't physically attracts me (and by that I mean the general personality) then how can you expect me to keep talking to that guy and go ahead with marrying him.

And honestly it is our desi girls who even after everything try to make things work. Now things would be more acceptable for girls over here if guys from back home when come here are more flexible, accept, and adopt the change then being stubborn by closing their eyes from the reality.

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

That’s kinda what i meant, if ur not into the guy (personality, looks, character etc) then things abt him will repulse u that otherwise wudnt matter if it was someone u liked… I just used the word hate :snooty:

kudos Sidra
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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

Anyone who comes over here from Pak will be kinda "fobby" at first, its all a matter of whether that person is willing to give it a try and to follow advice on fitting in...I mean using deodorant and simple day-to-day things. If the "fob" isnt interested in these things then it may be a loss.

I can understand now. I had a houseguest once, total nightmare it was. He wanted to move his new wife to NYC and put her thru a top-notch dental skool so he'd be able to sit back and enjoy life. Well, she was so disgusted by him that after 6 mos of marriage, they had yet to consummate!!! And when the wife saw me wash and fold my hubbys underwear she told me that she makes her hubby wash his own, socks too. Cause its just too gross for her to deal with lol!! I CANT beging to imagine being married to someone who grossed me out that much.

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

Yes, the term FOB is insulting but Luci is right- what about abcd's? or how we call 'much darker' people black or kallus? The same rules should apply to everyone, don't you think so?

There are different levels of 'fobbiness' in people back in Pakistan. We can get to see ALL SORTS of guys who will range from being really gross to some who are going to impress you highly. It all depends on their education, how they have been brought up, their personality and their mentality. I have seen some really successful marriages, recent one being of one of my friend's. The guy is a doctor from Pakistan, hasnt even taken his usmle yet but the girl didn't mind at all because when she met him, she was REALLY impressed. He is thoughtful, caring and above all, a very very loving husband. It is all about compatibility. There are many 'american' desis too here in the states who you will find having gross habits. It's all about how they have been brought up. I personally know american-desis who have such backward thoughts, you wouldn't believe it.

Many guys belonging to upper middle class or high class families are fairly decent. I am not saying all are, but alot of them have traveled abroad and they are aware of different cultures. In the end, I think it is a personal choice. You can connect with anyone, regardless of where the person is from.

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

What u have mentioned are dehati guys...surely there r dehaati dudes and dudettes born and bred right here in the USA too...

PHIR HONT KUCH KUCH KAPKAPAYE...
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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

^^ not really, you can find them in cities too. And you you can be raised like that in a dehaat, in a city, or anywhere.

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

jinss ba hum jinss parwaz, matlub jaise ho waison main shadi kar lo

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

Depends on the two people. Sometimes, people in Pakistan are a lot more advanced than people in the west ... you shouldn't assume the worst. It can be good or bad ... it can be good or bad even if you marry someone from the west. It all depends on the individuals involved and how much they are willing to compromise/adjust to each other.

If you are talking about mentality differences, sure, there will be some. But again, it comes down to how much you are willing to adjust and compromise with each other. I've seen guys in Canada, born and raised there, who are so backwards in their thinking .... I mean it all comes down to your upbringing. You can have a good upbringing in Pak or Canada ... don't just write someone off cause they are from Pakistan.

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

Culttural differences and habits matter a lot. Even among people living within the same country, people differ a lot and i do advise to marry among people with similar cultural values.

31

Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

yes i agree what mentality differences do you guys think exist between people brought up here versus those brought up back home?

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

desigirl, there is no one answer to your above question. It varies from person to person. Like I have been asked few times what kind of clothes I wear here in states and trust me whenever someone asks me, I literally feel like slapping them. Then I have also been asked if I have bfs and if I do then what I do with them. Lot of time questions are related to males like how many male friends you have, how do you talk to them, will you talk to them after getting married, cheap jokes which they think are pretty hilarious, then the issue of wife working after marriage, then personal hygiene, respect for the other gender, etc. And no not everyone in Pakistan would ask you all these stupid questions. It really depends on how one has been raised. And you can find people with such mentality both here in US and back home. This one time I was at this desi get-together that consisted of all educated and well settled people. During some discussion I said that I love Chicago and Boston. I would love to look for a job in one of these cities. One aunty goes on about the whole parent permission thing and I said my parents don't have any problem. Then this other aunty jumps on the sofa and goes "haie Allah tum akele rahoo gee" as if living alone is a sin.

33

Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

^ OMG! I love my mother in law and all but recently when I told my fiance I was coming to visit Miami (he and his family live there) for a conference, his mom's reaction was: "she's coming ALONE? why isn't anyone else coming with her? How are her parents letting her come?" And she just didn't seem very happy. I was SO mad. Here I am, traveling for a work conference, and I am suppose to bring along an army for protection or my entire khaandaan? It's not like I am going on vacation that I can hee haw and bring friends and family along with me. I told him that too. And it's not even like his mom is some paindoo person, she is a big bank executive and has to travel constantly herself. Forget that, when I asked my parents, my dad actually wanted to speak to my boss about where I was going, where I was staying, etc etc. I was so embarassed but thank god, my boss didn't mind. It seemed so odd that I am 22 and have a professional job and I still have to ask my parents about where I can travel for work. Good thing was, my dad was okay after speaking to her and so was my saas the morning after. She just randomly came upto the fiance and asked about my flight details etc. But it was so upsetting because I could only stay for a certain period of time and not longer because then she probably would have been like, conference is over, why isn't she going back? Sigh, desi people will always be desi, with the whole conservative thought and what not.

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

lusi thats so frustrating! im glad it worked out for you business trip and future MIL, but i hear you on the whole desi mentality thing. it can be so restrictive and so contradictory. like my parents always taught me to be independent and be my own person but then when i was of an age where i could actually DO these things, they clamped down. i was 22 and had an 8 o'clock curfew! ridiculousness. i dealt with it by moving out of their house and into my own and then had to deal with all the stuff that came with such a move, but my own sanity was worth more to me than the comments of some random scandalised aunty somewhere.
back on topic, i think a lot of good stuff has been said on here- its really down to each individual and relationship. if you're committed to someone and willing to make your marriage work, and vice versa, then it'll come through regardless of who was born/raised where. i think desi people highly underestimate mental compatibility when choosing partners for their children, and certainly seem to rate finances, foreign citizenships, and education above that- its a pity. without getting along, it doesn't matter how rich someone is, where they were born, or how many degrees they have- if the chemistry ain't there, its not going to work.
theres this one statement i've heard over and over in regards to desi muslims particularly- we don't fall in love, we grow to love.
i find that to be such crap. its not a question of falling or growing, its a question of can you see yourself married to this person despite all of your differences/similarities? do you want to spend time with them? are you comfortable being around them?

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

true, but the point is that they were both fobs then and thus the cultural differences were not the type you would find in someone born and raised abroad or soemone who has spent a large portion of their growing years abroad ..and someone who has not.

if we take away the terms abcd/bbcd/cbcd and fob etc and focus on the iossue at hand, in the end its about people, there are all types in all lands but the isue becomes that of likelihood.

It possible but unlikely that dhaka pass bcom graduate dude from chuk #42 is going to be able to really relate well to some urban modern desi independent girl in NYC.

and its not about being conservative and liberal or orthodox and modern religious and non religious only because guys can be more religious or could be less religious, we hear stories of guys who are very conservative to a point that they dont wanttheir wives wearing skirts or force them to take on hijab, and then we know guys from pak who are going drinking and have girls on teh side. so u can have both extremes and many in the middle.

its a multitude of factors, how ppl envision family life, how they envision raising kids, rights, duties, dealing with family at large etc. and where one was raised, is an important influence, where one was raised, how they were raised, what the family is like, and in the end..the most important..what the person is like. honestly speakign though, itshard to get an idea of what the person is like in a vacuum and factors like their education, social status, family background, family views/approach etc are used as an indicator of what the person will be like.

36

Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

mehnaz, I think you are 95% correct, the 5% missing is an admission that likelihood of finding certain traits is less in some areas and more in another. whatever those traits are...

37

Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

Reading this thread reminds me of a friend who went to the US after high school. When he visited Pakistan after a couple of years, I asked him if he got along well with people in the US. He told me that he had friends from many different backgrounds except Pakistan and India because he 'avoided them'.

There is nothing wrong with someone not wanting to marry into a people from a particular background. Everyone has preferences and a right to choose the most suitable person according to those preferences. But it's unfortunate that many people don't have independent personalities of their own and are mere products of their culture and upbringing (even if the cultural and parental influences were mostly good). Sometimes we're so busy trying to understand people in the context of different cultures and our practiced reactions to these cultural tendencies, that we fail to understand them as individuals.

On the whole, I agree with pretty much everything X2 has said.

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Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

^The reason I avoided desis for a long time was because of all the gossip and drama that goes on. After a couple of HORRIBLE experiences with some desi friends and their parents in high school, I just couldn't deal with them anymore. I maintained a distance from ALOT of them because some of them really cannot live without creating some sort of drama to entertain themselves and others. Not everyone is like that though, eventually I did meet some great paki/indian kids who I am now best friends with but I can see why your friend wanted to avoid them.

39

Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

The best post of the thread.

I agree with ana.

Beneath our sacredly held socio-cultural masks we are all human beings with same feelings. Yet most cannot surface their head from beneath these shallow creeks that they live in.

40

Re: Marrying someone raised in a different country

It really depends on how strong you are as a person and if you easily conform to what society and culture does..its hard to stand up for what you believe in these days..especially especially especially to those traditional parents which I am sure everyone knows who i am talking about:smack: