So, I’am Kashmiri and we normally “stick to our own” when it comes to marriage. Our girls very rarely get married outside the “caste” or tribe.
So I meet my fiance, we start liking each other, he proposes but I always knew he was a Punjabi. I told him that the rishta wont happen because of this but he kept pursuing. I confronted my parents and at first they were annoyed but then they met him and his family and soon changed their mind. We are now due to be married InshAllah this year after he waited three years for a “yes” from us.
The thing is, my extended family won’t talk to me or my family now. My Mamoo has effectively cut himself off from us (which is sad because he is my favourite Mamoo). My Khala said it was the worst decision to make and said “Humaraye Kashmiri marr gaye kya?” most of my cousins have started becoming really vindictive when before we used to get along. My poor mum has to go around fighting for my choice when really she doesn’t need to.
I always think Islam was introduced to prevent this from happening but here, in the 21st Century, you still find people who behave like this.
Has anyone else had this problem? How did you overcome it? I would like to build bridges again but has that been possible for others?
if its a family where it simply isnt done, u gotta give them more time... let them come around... once married, they will meet and greet and get to know ure in laws and husband.. and im sure they will see that uve married a great guy..
give it time.. :)
im delhi urdu speaking and i married a punjabi which is simply not done in our family.. not that its looked down at or anything.. just we marry within the family to keep things simple.. now i didnt have anyone hating or not wanting my hsuband to be a part of the family.. not as seirous as ure case... but there were the punjabi aisay hothay hai and punjabi waise hothay hai... once married, my hsuband met with my extended family at dawats and they were all swooned over by just how awesome he was..
You are lucky Khawateen that your family eventually accepted your groom. I know of men who marry white women but still these women get accepted into the family.
I dont think many people will invite us over for "dawats" afterwards because of his background. I think, also, alot of people are annoyed at the manner in which we met. It's because I CHOSE him rather than obeyed my parents which is what my family are also annoyed about.
I am just so scared that if his family don't accept me and things get sour between us then who can I turn to for advice?
^ Well why are you already thinking about things getting sour? And don't you already have your parents support with you which should matter the most.
However i am hoping you know your extended family well...you said one is your favorite uncle and the other your khala...well these are close relations and if i were in your place i would have had a long talk with them where i would hopefully be able to explain to them my choice. And they would eventually accept it and respect you for giving them the importance and respect they also deserve.
You will find that in the long term, that extended family are irrelevant. They are always there to watch "Tamasha" but will not be there for you if you need any kind of help.
Only your close family - parents and siblings are important. And even they will become a little distant once you have children.
I just don't understand realtives who can just turn around one day and "disown" you over petty things. Go and tell them that he is the one who will give you a better life - are they AFRAID of that?
Hope fully my little tid bit will make you feel better. :/
My brother and bhabhi were introduced by their friends when she was visiting ny. They were friends for over 2 years and fell in love. In total, they knew each other for 3 years before my parents or her parents even found out they were involved. My brother however was "semi-engaged" because in our kind (lol pathans) a word of mouth is equal to an engagement. Anyway, he didn't like my cousin whom he was engaged to and told my mom about my bhabhi. EVERYONE WAS MAD! No one had ever gotten married out of the family, let alone from a different caste. They hated her without even knowing her because she was urdu speaking/from karachi and we're pathan. When we were going out to give the wedding cards I constantly had close relatives making faces and saying "you couldnt find a pathan girl for him?, Are all the pathan girls not enough?" Anyway, with my bhabhi they pretended to be really nice but behind her back they'd talk about her. It's been 3 years now that they've been married and they have a daughter. My own Khala(the girls mom whom my brother was "semi-engaged to") loves her. She really did make the family love her. My point is, we approved of her because HE loved HER. Your extended doesnt matter when it comes to something so serious. If they love you, they'll love him but it'll be a long process. Just wait, they'll come aruond.
In this day and age where it is so difficult to find a decent Muslim husband or wife it's very sad that caste is still the main issue on peoples minds.
If you're happy and you're parents support you then you shouldn't let other people ruin it for you.
You will find that in the long term, that extended family are irrelevant. They are always there to watch "Tamasha" but will not be there for you if you need any kind of help.
Only your close family - parents and siblings are important. And even they will become a little distant once you have children.
i agree with zxcvb ... in the long term extended family usually doesn't count for anything .. if ur parents and siblings and his family is ok with it and you're happy with him ... then who gives a crap ... its not like they have to live with him and plus ppl are gonna talk no matter who u marry and i can't believe that people still make a big deal about such petty things ...
You are not doing some Gunah. In fact Islam has encouraged getting married out-of-tribe (caste) . Unfortunately, many people still practice this bid-aat. B strong. as long as your parents are with you who cares about "extended" family?
Stardust, I just got engaged and I have a feeling that I will soon be going through what you are going through. I met my fiance on my own and we started liking each other. My parents are alhumdullilah very reasonable and understanding people so I had no problem in that regard in telling them about him. I am jatt punjabi and basically everyone in my family has only married family members. My fiance is urdu speaking. My extended family members are starting to find out and they are annoyed that my parents didnt consult the khandaan about this decision and in shock that not only am I not engaged to a family member..... or a jatt .... but I'm not even engaged to a punjabi. I am definitely the first person ever to go out on a limb like this. This news is still very new and fresh and people are finding out and the talking has began. Comments like "koi punjabi munda na laba.... duniya mein sab margay?" have began. Like your poor mother, I see my poor mother starting to defend my decision. Its really too bad that despite even all of the education Pakistani's gets, they still hold things like caste in such high regard (even though our religion forbids it).
InshAllah I hope for both of us that with time, relatives will calm down and realize that this is the reality that they are just going to have to live with for the rest of their lives. Being mad and annoyed about it forever isn't going to change anything. And there is a reason why our parents and we ourselves accepted our fiances ......they are amazing guys. So I keep thinking that once extended family starts meeting him, they will like him as well and see how great he truly is and how well he treats me and my immediate family. News of this will spread and hopefully things will start going back to normal.
And ...if I dare say... I do feel like once that first child is born..... people do come around and forgive and forget all. I have seen this in so many situations. But inshAllah I hope it does not take that long for people to come around.
one more thing: when people say that one shouldn't really care too much about what extended family think about ...and it only matters if your immediate family approves and supports you. They are right. But extended family to some people (like you and me) are still some of the closest people in our lives and it does mean something if we have their luv and support behind us as we take this next important step in our lives. Plus who likes to see your own parents stressed out because THEIR immediate family - their siblings, are not on board and disapproving? And as much as you tell parents not to stress about it... you know they will.
^You're right PR. No matter how much we say that we shouldn't care what others think, we care very much, especially when it's family. Sticks and stones will break our bones, words will break our hearts.
But I think one of the important things we forget is that Allah tells us to fear HIM more than people. And as I get older, I'm beginning to understand better why He tells us to do so. Because people will always disapprove or make mountains out of molehills. We all have people in our lives who will give us hell over who we marry, what we study, where we live, how we conduct our lives, and pretty much anything we care to name. If we constantly try to appease them, our lives will probably be a total misery. Just look at the many guys and girls out there who are miserable in their marriages because the family didn't approve of the person they really wanted due to superficial things like occupation, wealth and status. Look at the elder aunties and uncles who are STILL bending over backward in their advanced age, taking care of freeloading siblings because they're too afraid of what "log" will say if they stop. These people are so unhappy. And they don't have to be.
I'm not saying it's easy, but people (myself included) have to grow thicker skin, keep repeating "I'm not doing anything that would displease Allah. I'm not doing anything wrong," and do our best to tune out the naysayers. They'll always be there, but we don't always have to listen to them.
very true