This was exactly the situation with my stepmother coming into our family - a very recently widowed man still in mourning who did not want to get married, and two young kids who had been living away from the family for a few years. There is also an 11 year difference between my stepmom and my father. To make matters more difficult, my father was gone for weeks at a time because of his job.
Quickly put: I don't think 90% of women can handle it. The kids are unwelcoming (we were hostile to the point of not letting her sit with him), you probably will not have your own children (because the father does not want to bring more trauma to the kids' lives). Looking at other women, I don't think anybody aside frm my stepmom could have managed it.
I still remember swearing at my stepmom and making her life a general hell. Yet if god were a person, I'd say she would be in the form of my stepmother.
I don't recommend it to any woman who is not prepared to give up her life and all her dreams. You will have to put your new family before you at every step of your life - you can't handle it. If you have any specific questions let me know.
this is so nice of u to come out and give a true account of such a situation.
i somehow got into talking to this widowed on line from shadi.com
and after a few chats i realized he wants out, if his story is true, and simply wants to use another woman for his desires and also get a visa to US, from Dubai.
Men are so lame.
Not all men, but almost all men.
and so i think that as women marry later and later, they need to become aware of their deals and those deals' consequences.
For the Zid of not marrying an elder man who is established nor importing one from back home, I made myself try out the criteria of a widowed man on shadi online, as no man is virgin these days, and when i spoke to this man i told u about, i realized there is just as much lust and as much unrest in his soul. and they call themselves muslim men.
ha!
Quickly put: I don't think 90% of women can handle it. The kids are unwelcoming (we were hostile to the point of not letting her sit with him), you probably will not have your own children (because the father does not want to bring more trauma to the kids' lives). Looking at other women, I don't think anybody aside frm my stepmom could have managed it.
I still remember swearing at my stepmom and making her life a general hell. Yet if god were a person, I'd say she would be in the form of my stepmother.
I don't recommend it to any woman who is not prepared to give up her life and all her dreams. You will have to put your new family before you at every step of your life - you can't handle it. If you have any specific questions let me know.
Let's just say I could never see myself being in the same position as my step mother. Never having children of her own, trying to fit in with an already established close family, seeing my mother's relatives all the time, moving from Pakistan, not having any of her family or friends around etc. It must be hard for her and sometimes I don't help matters much but it is very hard to accept someone else taking your mother's place and I still haven't accepted it fully.
u are right. challenges which a woman will have to face in such a situation are over bearing, undoubtedly.
sure, we cannot make peace with a replacement parent, esp moms with whom one is so close or is supposed to be close to - naturally.
however, i believe in human resilience and making new connections - a simple smile, a gesture of " it is fine, it will be okay" - can bring 2 people together.
if not as a mom, as a true friend. "feel" the genuine regard and not think of the judgemental views, with a purity of conscience. i 'm just hypothesizing how to make the best of such a heart piercing situation. :>
my two taya abu's were widowed ....n the family arranged for them to remarry.
MashaAllah both of new wives are really good ....doing everything possible to have a good bond with previous children ...fulfilling all responsibilities ....they are excellent, no doubt about it...MashaAllah.
From their side i try to imagine how they feel certain things...but i guess they are happy coz they are getting all respect n love from everyone in family.
My friend married a woman 28 youngers to him he had lost her wife and 3 kids in an accident two kids survived and their ages were below 10.Now he seems to be happy and has a daughter from the younger wife too.
Let me add the wife is from a remote area of pakistan,may be her family married her off for reasons economic.I don't know what the woman says as she observes parda.
In your case it seems the choice is yours and only you have to decide,the strength of character is only tested in testing times.Are you ready for the test?Are you marrying the widowed for reasons economic or for love?
i am 28 and i would welcom a dude in ny, under 30, a US citizen, acceptable to my parents, lilberal but not corrupt like a floppy disk, understanding and an IT or a doctor.
the stranger whom i chatted, unfortunately, was a flirt, now that i read his emails.
i appreciate u sharing your friend's story. in my case, i won't be spirtually, economically or emotionally depedent on a male who will be come my future husband.
i am into religion, i am modest, educated and i clearly speak my mind, with out being arrogant. i hope that is sufficient information about me.
Marrying a widowed man/woman is kinda bearing extra responsibilties on ur shoulders. Usually those responsibilities are his/her children.
One of cousin has his second wife who I must admit is really good. His two children, aged 4 and 6 now consider her as their real mother, but I must admit that she behaves & takes care of them like their real mother. BTW, they have a third child, a daughter, (her child) as well.
So if one can successfully build the relationship with the other partners children then its fine otherwise he/she should consider marrying a someone who is never married in his/her life (other possibility is widowed without children).
Dushwaree I am not 30 and IT or doctor I am 50 and believe me am single.I live in the greatest city of the world Peshawar.Pekhawar kho Pekhawar day kana.
Behan 