Re: marrying a white convert
One of my khalas is married to a white convert. They met in college and have been married for a bit over 30 years. He/his family are originally from Kansas (ie. super white lol) but his family is very supportive of his conversion. But then again, my family is not super religious (most women do not wear hijab, we eat non-halal, family events are mixed etc.), and my khala is very respectful of his family's traditions. For example, every year they spend Christmas with his family in Kansas, take them gifts etc (but they do not attend Christmas services in church). In turn, his family often visits them during Eid, brings gifts for Eid etc. His family also does not cook/eat pork when they're with my khala and her husband. They also do not consume any alcohol while visiting my khala. BUT they do have alcohol in their home but my khala/her husband doesn't have a problem with this. Point being that both sides compromise and thus, have managed to maintain a great relationship over the year. Khala's husband is ok with eating non-halal (but does not eat pork), is ok with our mixed family gatherings, kuala not wearing hijab etc. Point being he never had any issues with our cultural practices. His family is also great about desi culture. They'll get mehndi, put in desi clothes etc. during Eid and ask questions about desi culture when they don't understand something. Oh and on a side note, the white husband has picked up Urdu over the years and can understand it very well. He can speak it decently too (although with a heavy gora accent lol)!
However OP, in your situation, I already see red flags. You have not mentioned his age or how long ago he converted. But since he has not finished his undergrad yet, I'm assuming he's 22 or under.
1) Your family is like mine as in they're not super religious. However, if this guy is not supportive of your family's cultural practices, it has the potential to cause major problems in the future. This can happen even if the guy is desi but very religious. For example, AFTER marriage, is he going to be willing to attend your family events and/or be ok with you attending family events since the genders are mixed? If you have daughter, will he expect you to enforce hijab on the daughter and if so, how are you going to do that if you yourself don't wear it? After marriage, will he be ok if you want to wear a sari to a mixed family event? Is he going to be ok with his daughter (assuming you have a girl after marriage) mingling freely in mixed family events? These are things that can cause a major rift after marriage and effect not only your marriage, but also your relationship with your own family. My khala's marriage (and many other mixed marriages) work where the non-desi spouse is supportive of desi cultural practices....even though many of those cultural practices go against religious teachings. You need to really sit down and figure out whether you plan on continuing to participate on your family's cultural practices, and then have a open/direct conversation with him regarding his expectations of you AND future children when it comes to these cultural practices.
2) I'm not sure why there is a rush to get married if he does not have a full-time job and neither do you. You already know that no birth control method is 100% so if you get married now and get pregnant, who will financially support the child? In my opinion, one of you needs to have a full-time job and earn enough to live separately/pay for basics before getting married.
3) You also need to seriously consider whether YOU are ok with his family being out of the picture. That means your future children will not get to know their dada/dadi. You will need to explain to the children why their dada/dadi won't see them. There is no right/wrong answer to this b/c many mixed marriages are fine with one person's family being out of the picture. BUT there are many people who don't like this situation b/c they always imagined "one big happy family" after marriage. So really consider if you are ok with having 0 contact/emotional support from his family not only for yourself....but also for your future kids.
Yes sorry i mean a matrimonial website!
Thank you for your kind replies. I have been giving this issue a thought for over a month. I genuinely like this person but I feel like I cannot offer him what he wants out of life and marriage.
He is actually in his thirties and is in school at the moment because he wanted a career change due to his conversion to Islam. I personally do not believe there is any age limit for an individual's desire to gain knowledge.
I am in my early twenties, I have finished my undergraduate degree and have a good full-time job related to my field of study, alhamdullilah.
I realize there is still time for me to find a spouse, but i would like to get married young as one of my aspirations is family life vs. career life (although I know this is looked down upon in our society because women are now expected to strive to make lotsa $$$$)
Paheli made some really good points that I also thought about. This individual is not particularly accepting of my culture. He believes that many of the things we do go against Islam. At one point during our conversations called me and my father 'jahil' lol.
anyways, I guess it is for the best. I have no issues in marrying an individual outside of my culture. However, mutual respect for eachother's cultures is very important imo. There is a religious side to life and a cultural side as well.
And no, I am not ok with not having inlaws. Also, I noticed that he is very strict on free mixing among marriageable family members as well. As in, he feels that if islamically I can marry them, I should not be around them. I don't really see my cousins and relatives in that light at all. Simply because it is allowed islamically does not mean i will go for it! This also goes for him as well, he does not feel comfortable socializing with my relatives in fear that it might be inappropriate. However, I am the oldest cousin in my family and there are many many lil kids that will look up to him as an older brother. I don't really think any of my females cousins will try to cop a feel lol.
I feel that my husband should fit the leadership role. He will be a role model for a lot of my family members and even though his religious tendencies are great, his social skills and the way he thinks about my culture may be a bit too narrow.
Thank you for all your input <3
You think a guy calling your dad “jahil” is funny? I’m amazed that you can continue to “genuinely like” a guy after he called your father and you jahil. If he’s treating you and your family this way now, how do you think he’s going to treat you after the wedding?