marrying a white convert

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

@Mezhgan

About the jahil thing, he sounds a bit overzealous. I've noticed that converts (to any religion) tend to be quite overzealous. It's rather like they feel they have to prove how dedicated they are. Of course, this isn't always the case though.

I know! I was actually shocked to hear such a word from him. I mean, I get that you've been a muslim for 10 years. But my dad has been one for over 50 years so he will obviously have some wisdom. Yes, the culture we comes from is not muslim to the T but many of our values are islamic whereas he did not come from such a culture

[Paheli00]

Re: marrying a white convert

@IOUP

He used to produce music I believe. Right now he is studying to become a teacher.

You believe? So you're not 100% sure as to what his previous career was? How long ago did you meet this guy at the dating site?

BTW, if you have a decent paying full-time job, why do you need to live with your parents until this guy finishes his undergrad if you marry him?

[Mezhgan]

Re: marrying a white convert

@IOUP

I know! I was actually shocked to hear such a word from him. I mean, I get that you've been a muslim for 10 years. But my dad has been one for over 50 years so he will obviously have some wisdom. Yes, the culture we comes from is not muslim to the T but many of our values are islamic*** whereas he did not come from such a culture***

Well, whether or not he comes from a such a culture is irrelevant. That is not the issue. The crux of the matter is that older people deserve respect, even if you disagree with their ideas, and calling someone jahil is hardly respectful. If one disagrees with someone, one can still express oneself in a respectful manner.

Secondly, I highly doubt your father was suggesting that you guys date and go off on weekend getaways together. It's more likely that your father meant that HE wants to get to know him better.

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

@Paheli00

You believe? So you're not 100% sure as to what his previous career was? How long ago did you meet this guy at the dating site?

BTW, if you have a decent paying full-time job, why do you need to live with your parents until this guy finishes his undergrad if you marry him?

Sorry yes! he was an audio engineer :)

I live with my parents because I enjoy it. Also I cannot move out on my own because I cannot afford it. I would be able to help my partner out 50/50, but I would deff not be able to do it 100% with all the things I have on my plate.

If/when i get married I want to help my partner with the bills, etc. But at this point I cannot pay for everything!

[Sara516]

Re: marrying a white convert

@IOUP

I realize there is still time for me to find a spouse, but i would like to get married young as one of my aspirations is family life vs. career life (although I know this is looked down upon in our society because women are now expected to strive to make lotsa $$$$)

Well, it's looked down upon for a reason. Not having a career or any aspirations beyond being a housewife is kinda sad. (different with kids in the picture).

[McPendo]

Re: marrying a white convert

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Do not ruin the Fung shue of desi marriages by marrying outside of your culture. Pakistani culture is so vast and epic that no one can understand it fully. I've still yet to master all of its aspects. I understand the the white dude is doing right by becoming muslim but I think he should marry another convert and then continue their life together. How will he understand Basant or the proper texture of a ras malai. A man must be able to distinguish between the two without hesitation. How will he hail a taxi in lahore and bargain for the price in lahori punjabi dialect? These are the core things one must ponder over. You really should reconsider. Marry a Pakistani! There should be a campaign for this. We have to keep the Pakistani circle going. Help dudes from Pakistan. They're sulking away in Pakistani, there are no jobs no electricity help a brother out... Bring a brother here show him the west indulgences. Come on Marry a Desi lad.

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

@Mezhgan

Well, whether he comes from a such a culture is irrelevant. That is not the issue. The crux of the matter is that older people deserve respect, even if you disagree with their ideas, and calling someone jahil is hardly respectful. If one disagrees with someone, one can express oneself in a more respectful manner.

Secondly, I doubt your father was suggesting that you guys date and go off on weekend getaways together. It's more likely that your father meant that HE wants to get to know him better.

exactly! My dad DOES not want me doing any of that at all lol. But you are right, respect is absolutely necessary for a healthy relationship. If he already started off with the idea that my dad is 'jahil', I don't think they would get along very well.

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

@McPendo

I've said this before and I'll say it again. Do not ruin the Fung shue of desi marriages by marrying outside of your culture. Pakistani culture is so vast and epic that no one can understand it fully. I've still yet to master all of its aspects. I understand the the white dude is doing right by becoming muslim but I think he should marry another convert and then continue their life together. How will he understand Basant or the proper texture of a ras malai. A man must be able to distinguish between the two without hesitation. How will he hail a taxi in lahore and bargain for the price in lahori punjabi dialect? These are the core things one must ponder over. You really should reconsider. Marry a Pakistani! There should be a campaign for this. We have to keep the Pakistani circle going. Help dudes from Pakistan. They're sulking away in Pakistani, there are no jobs no electricity help a brother out... Bring a brother here show him the west indulgences. Come on Marry a Desi lad.

LOL <3 yeah this made me smile :)

[Paheli00]

Re: marrying a white convert

@Sara516

Well, it's looked down upon for a reason. Not having a career or any aspirations beyond being a housewife is kinda sad.

I dunno about sad but its definitely scary. It means they're not prepared when life throws a lay off, disability, death, or divorce in their way. I've come across too many women (desi and non-desi) who ended up in a crappy position b/c they assumed their husband would always have the ability to support the family financially (or even that the husband will always be there period).

[McPendo]

Re: marrying a white convert

@IOUP

LOL <3 yeah this made me smile :)

:@::@:

[StrangeOne]

Re: marrying a white convert

@IOUP

I know! I was actually shocked to hear such a word from him. I mean, I get that you've been a muslim for 10 years. But my dad has been one for over 50 years so he will obviously have some wisdom. Yes, the culture we comes from is not muslim to the T but many of our values are islamic whereas he did not come from such a culture

It's quite common to have a certain holier than thou attitude for new converts when Muslims around them are not following the straight and narrow. Humility may take time or not come at all. This is definitely an issue that's going to come out again and again in every part of your life.

I guess it's definitely a choice you'll have to make about how much you're willing to compromise. Just think about about both the long term and the day to day stuff you'll have to leave for him. Will he not let you watch your favourite tv show, are vacations to beach resorts a bust, will you have to give up most of your clothes, could he be annoyed by you working with men in the future, are your male cousins suddenly unwelcome in your house, will he prefer you not have non-muslim friends. It's a loooong list.

Living with him might make you a good Muslim or it might make you a frustrated one being pushed into stuff instead of it gently being introduced in your life. Also being a muslim demands far more than just religious stuff. Just because he's now a muslim doesn't make him an angel. He could still have left over personality flaws.

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

@Paheli00

I dunno about sad but its definitely scary. It means they're not prepared when life throws a lay off, disability, death, or divorce in their way. I've come across too many women (desi and non-desi) who ended up in a crappy position b/c they assumed their husband would always have the ability to support the family financially (or even that the husband will always be there period).

What I meant by family life vs. career life is that I am not striving to make 100k/year. I have bills and debts to pay so there is no way I will not be working. But at the same time, I would find it fulfilling to have a happy family life where I am able to have children young while I am still energetic.

There is no way I will be financially dependent on another individual. I have been working since the age of 15 and understand the value of a dollar so I would not ask someone for their hard earned money. Like I said, I would like to help my hubby out financially so yes, IA i will be working.

[McPendo]

Re: marrying a white convert

@IOUP

What I meant by family life vs. career life is that I am not striving to make 100k/year. I have bills and debts to pay so there is no way I will not be working. But at the same time, I would find it fulfilling to have a happy family life where I am able to have children young while I am still energetic.

There is no way I will be financially dependent on another individual. I have been working since the age of 15 and understand the value of a dollar so I would not ask someone for their hard earned money. Like I said, I would like to help my hubby out financially so yes, IA i will be working.

The quick answer to your question would be if you Love him then you'll marry him no matter what his ethnicity or religion. If I fall in love with an eskimo woman today I'd move to Alaska and eat blubber. But that's just me, in all seriousness do you love him?

[Paheli00]

Re: marrying a white convert

@IOUP

What I meant by family life vs. career life is that I am not striving to make 100k/year. I have bills and debts to pay so there is no way I will not be working. But at the same time, I would find it fulfilling to have a happy family life where I am able to have children young while I am still energetic.

There is no way I will be financially dependent on another individual. I have been working since the age of 15 and understand the value of a dollar so I would not ask someone for their hard earned money. Like I said, I would like to help my hubby out financially so yes, IA i will be working.

You don't need to make 100K/year to be able to afford to live on your own. When I moved out at 22 on my own, I earned around 35K. I was far from rich but I could manage to pay for my apartment, and other basic necessities 100%. You stated that you currently do not earn enough to live on your own. Even though this guy has a part-time job, apparently his paycheck combined with your full-time job is not enough for the two of you to live on your own. The fact that you even considered getting married under these conditions and opening up the possibility to bringing a child in the picture is scary.

As for being financially dependent, if you do not earn enough money to be able to live on your own...then yes, you are financially dependent on someone else....whether its your parents or a husband. I have also had a job since junior high and understand the value of a dollar. Which is why I did every possible to be 100% financially independent as soon as I could so that I wasn't dependent on my parents anymore.

P.S. This may surprise you but plenty of women manage to stay energetic enough to keep up with a child into their late 20's and even, GASP, into their 30's. :D

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

No i do not love him.

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

@Paheli00

You don't need to make 100K/year to be able to afford to live on your own. When I moved out at 22 on my own, I earned around 35K. I was far from rich but I could manage to pay for my apartment, and other basic necessities 100%. You stated that you currently do not earn enough to live on your own. Even though this guy has a part-time job, apparently his paycheck combined with your full-time job is not enough for the two of you to live on your own. The fact that you even considered getting married under these conditions and opening up the possibility to bringing a child in the picture is scary.

As for being financially dependent, if you do not earn enough money to be able to live on your own...then yes, you are financially dependent on someone else....whether its your parents or a husband. I have also had a job since junior high and understand the value of a dollar. Which is why I did every possible to be 100% financially independent as soon as I could so that I wasn't dependent on my parents anymore.

P.S. This may surprise you but plenty of women manage to stay energetic enough to keep up with a child into their late 20's and even, GASP, into their 30's. :D

I love it. I love to hear of individuals doing it right for themselves, good for you and thank you for sharing this, these things inspire me to do better!

Yeahhhhh honestly, all of what you are saying was at the back of my head but i think i really needed to hear it from someone other than family/myself.

As he in school, he cannot afford rent. All his money is going towards his university tuition, car payments, etc. and yes, if it was socially acceptable in my community there would be no problem for me to live with my parents until we are financially ready to be together, it would make things easier for us.

We would not make babies until we can afford them. And yes youre right i should probably hit the gym more often to not turn into a potato at 30.

As for money, i am helping my parents out, will start paying my student loans soon and have other expenses to deal with.

[IOUP]

Re: marrying a white convert

@StrangeOne

It's quite common to have a certain holier than thou attitude for new converts when Muslims around them are not following the straight and narrow. Humility may take time or not come at all. This is definitely an issue that's going to come out again and again in every part of your life.

I guess it's definitely a choice you'll have to make about how much you're willing to compromise. Just think about about both the long term and the day to day stuff you'll have to leave for him. Will he not let you watch your favourite tv show, are vacations to beach resorts a bust, will you have to give up most of your clothes, could he be annoyed by you working with men in the future, are your male cousins suddenly unwelcome in your house, will he prefer you not have non-muslim friends. It's a loooong list.

Living with him might make you a good Muslim or it might make you a frustrated one being pushed into stuff instead of it gently being introduced in your life. Also being a muslim demands far more than just religious stuff. Just because he's now a muslim doesn't make him an angel. He could still have left over personality flaws.

For sure. I think he needs some time to become comfortable with who he is and learn to balance that with his faith