Re: Marrying a Pakistani man ...
Thank you everyone once again for all your replies.
Let me clear a few things.
-It is true that this is just my side of the story but I have not really skipped over any parts. I can't really ask my husband to come here and post his side of the story for obvious reasons.
-Even though we have no family or friends in Karachi, we held the nikah there for two reasons
1) We are quite well off but he belongs to lower middle class with him being the only source of income at his house. His mom is a widow and my parents decided that my khalas and we would be able to afford our stay in the hotel and traveling to Karachi but for them it may be too expensive.
2) I only have 3 khalas in Islamabad and only a few cousins as rest are all settled abroad. He has entire family including his two married sisters with their kids, his khala, phupoo, mamoo etc in Karachi. If the nikah was held in Islamabad then my parents thought that maybe most his family wouldn't be able to attend and why put them in such a situation when we could easily afford to do it in Karachi?
-My dad to this day keeps blaming himself for leaving me in Karachi with them. My husband insisted, his mom, his mamoo, everyone insisted. They wanted to do my 'daawats'. They wanted to spend time with me. My dad says that if that was the case then he should have left me in the hotel, asking them to pick me up in the mornings and drop me back off at nights. He really regrets not listening to my khalas. It was a biggest mistake on our part.
-I am not arrogant. In fact, I am a 'I cannot say no to anyone' kind of girl. I am just extremely shy with strangers and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around them. My husband knew that from before so there were no surprises there. What I did not like was him leaving me all alone with his mami, khala, cousins, sisters etc and running off to have fun with his one sister. We would talk for a few mins and then there would be awkward silence while I could see my husband a few yards away playing cricket or sitting on a jhoola or just walking quietly or sitting with his elder sister (the divorced one). That is why I always felt so lonely. I just wanted him to sit beside me for a few minutes and help me mix in with his family and I even told him that but he just never cared.
-I never complained to them about mosquitoes or breakfast. I always made breakfast for me, his mom and him in the mornings. I was just talking about my first morning there ever. I tried waking my husband up that morning to ask him to just show me where everything was. His mom was sleeping on the bed in that room so he just called out her name and told her 'ammi is ko nashta day dain', and went back to sleep. I felt so awkward that I told her to just stay where she was and I would find something, which I did eventually.
-We were never going to celebrate out 'honeymoon'. My parents were still in Islamabad when we planned to go. Our plan was to go to Islamabad in the morning, see around in Islamabad with my khala's driver and then book two rooms in the hotel for the night (he did not want to stay at my khala's house). Then next morning we would have gone to muree, roamed around a bit, and then come back by evening and taken a daibo (coach) from islamabad to Lahore and my mamoo would have received us in Lahore. We would have again booked two rooms in Lahore with my mamoo taking us around all day and then dropping us back in the hotel at night. His mom knew this plan. She even said yes at first, in fact gave me advises on what to wear and what not to wear. She told me to pack pants for muree as 'no one wore gotay walay kapray there', and to pack lawn (not cotton) for Lahore because it would be 'too hot there'. What hurt me was that a few hours before we were to depart, his sister, him and his mom went behind closed doors and changed plans among themselves and no one even bothered informing me.
-I went straight to the hotel because I was extremely depressed. You can't imagine the emotional trauma I was going through at their house. The night before him and I were supposed to be making dinner together but his mom took him out. We had bought ingredients and I waited for him and he finally came back from his mom's shopping at 9:30 pm and the light went out at that night. We decided to go on with our cooking in candlelight. The entire time we were cooking, his mom was in the kitchen. He even asked her to go sit in the room but she stayed there. His kitchen is smaller than his bathroom so three people in there at the same time was not really possible, therefore he stayed outside the kitchen for a bit and then eventually left to go to his friend's house across the hallway. I felt terrible because his mom knew that him and I had made plans to make dinner together. When the dinner was ready, I called him on his cell phone and he came back and went straight into the bedroom and sat on the bed with his mom. I asked him to come to the dinning room so that we could eat together but he refused to budge from that bed and asked him to serve him on the bed and sit either on the floor and eat or sit alone in the dinning room and eat there. I just sat on the floor at started eating my dinner. His elder sister came home just then and sat beside him on the bed and started eating from his plate. That little thing really really bothered me. I couldn't even sit beside him and eat yet and she was eating from the same plate. I asked her if I could get her food on a new plate but she said 'it's ok hum tou eik hi plate main kha laitay hain'. I couldn't eat my dinner anymore so I went to the living room and asked him a countless times (via text messages) to come talk to me but he didn't leave that room. I asked his youngest sister to please ask him to come to the living room for 5 mins but she came back saying how his mom said 'aap kamray main aa k baat kar lain'. It may be a small thing for some but I just felt so hurt at that time. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next day my parents even insisted that I go to the hotel without telling his mom and they asked him to not tell his family either because I needed to sleep in peace. He even agreed with it because at his apartment there was always some aunty or another there gossiping and I wouldn't have gotten the quiet and peace I needed.
-I did not stand up for myself because I did not want to offend his mother. My mom had begged me to stay quiet in their house. She had asked me 'agar kuch bura bhi lagay tou chup kar jana, baad main bata daina'. He had asked me that if I didn't like anything, I should stay quiet and tell him about it later. Plus at that time I knew we were going for our little trip in less than 24 hours and I did not want to say anything to upset his mom. I did try explaining to her that why my mom asked for rukhsati after agreeing upon nikah but I could barely get my word in.
-The reason we asked for rukhsati was because
a) My parents spent a lot of money on this 'nikah'. My mom said in clear words that they couldn't afford to do another big function like this.
b) My mom had traveled anywhere after 15 years. She gets really sick when she travels and this time she had to take sleeping pills with her so that she would stay asleep throughout the flight. She told them in clear words that she cannot travel again after two years because this one trip took it's toll on her pretty bad.
c) If rukhsati took place then after he returned to UK, I could travel from here and visit him every few months. My parents said that they would pay the down payment on an apartment for us and as soon as he came to Canada, we could move out together. According to them, the earlier we started our life on our own the earlier we would settle down.
-His mom did not want the rukhsati because
a) His elder sister from Dubai couldn't attend his shaadi in Karachi due to short notice (even though everyone got over a month notice).
b) His youngest sister was to be married off first before his rukhsati could take place.
-When I came back to Canada my parents still said that after he went back to England, I could visit him and they wouldn't mind. But, his mom is not letting him go back to England. He has one year left for his course but his mom says that she is too sick and needs him to take care of her now. My mom talked to him in detail yesterday and according to her, he said that he is even depressed living in Pakistan because there are so many restrictions on him. He can't go anywhere or do anything without asking his mom because 'the halaat are so kharab and she knows what is good and what isn't'. He said that he is worried about the money because the money he gave his mom for 6 months of ghar ka kharcha, she spent on a gold set for his youngest sister. Since he is in Pakistan, he doesn't have a job and he said that even he wants to go back to UK but his mom gets high blood pressure and starts shivering everytime he talks about returning so he just stopped talking about it. I had a long discussion with my parents yesterday and now both are telling me to wait. My dad said that he would talk to my husband in detail in a week or so and then they would try to figure out 'is maslay ka hal', though I am not sure whether there is any solution for this masla.
why are we arguing here : O