Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

Lifestyle Relationships
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Salam GS, this is my first opened thread in life1 and I really need your advice on this. Understanding my problem without making fun is appreciated.

So this is something going on in my own family. We all immigrated to US almost a couple of decade ago and were raised here. Still we have strong connections with our culture and religion and by now we have not compromised on anything maintaining our social and religious and integrity and still enjoy the joint family system.

But this week, my youngest brother announced something which created a stir in the family. He has his friend for last few years that we all know as well, who is christian and Caucasian girl. He has declared that he’s going to marry the girl and the feeling is mutual but the girl is NOT going to convert to islam. So basically he’ll stick to his faith as a muslim while the girl will remain be a christian of which he explains that she and her family is quite conservative in it.

Now my mom, myself and others are really worried. The only good thing is that he’s offered that if anyone has any concern, he can talk about that but that should be very logical.

Now, since I’ve great concerns, I really want to discuss things with him but before that I want to know what are the pros and cons of having one person married with a non-muslim girl who’ll be a part of pure desi family?
What can be short and long-term effect on my brother’s family which’ll grow ofcourse someday and there’ll be kids? What’ll be the effect on kids’ state when their mother’ll be a church-going and father a muslim? And then where’ll we all stand with someone who is the only non-muslim while we still are practicing muslims in this western world?

This is a very serious issue for myself and my family. Your serious responses are appreciated.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

**simple...chaos in his life...constant conflicts...un-manageable rift in raising children. conflict in cultures can be managed but conflict in religion [since ur family is religious] will be a flash-point and thsi will ruin ALL relationships. i think the best way would be for him to either shun her or his family...riding on two boats will NOT work.

i wish all the BEST for u all :)**

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

please bring the matter to the sahb e shariyat/ Alim, if you can find any, near by who can guide you whether this is alright from religion's point of view. I think muslim men are allowed to marry christian ladies as they are ehl e kitab but if they want to stay christian after marriage and what about the children to come an Islamic scholar can guide you better and with authentic references. If the answer is positive, well and good. Otherwise ask your brother which love he finds stronger in his hearts of hearts and honsetly, ISLAM or the girl. And then accept his decision large heartedly. If his love for religion is lesser than the love for girl, there is no harm to anyone but himself.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

Thanks .. but that sounds scary.. Very very scary!! Right now he says that he and the girl have discussed these things within themselves and as per him, "most of the things have been worked out".. Now how did they work out, nobody else knows atleast.. or he might be saying this to console us that it wont be a big problem.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

Ok he says that his faith is very important to him but he cannot FORCE anyone to get converted and accept Islam. He also provides the reason that Islam doesnt ask us to force anyone to give up on their religion. And there was a time when he says he tried but since she's said no, he'd not insist.
About marrying a christian, he says its right. I tried explaining him that its "legal", not right, he says Islam cannot make anything legal unless its right as well.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

Hmmm seems a right pickle? :hmmm:

I am assuming your brother is not merely some hormonal late teens early 20’s type of fellow who will pick and drop as most chaps do these days (damned shamefull if you aks me) I gather that he seems to have given the matter some forethought.

Personally I would be very concerned but that is becuase I am fiercely conservative, but not to the point that I am ignorant of others and thier feelings. So if he genuinely feels for her and sometimes love is more than just a physical attraction, often two partners become inseperable due to shared characteristics and beliefs so whatever it is in “her” he has part of it too if you get my drift.

Something suggests to me that your Brother has not looked at other options, but I knew a chap once who left Pakistan after many years of trying to settle down and his efforts were wasted so in the end he went with the only girl who truly loved him but that meant Marrying a fiercely conservative Irish Catholic… long story.

Anyway I think you all need to sit down and talk things through I am by no means an expert on the matter but perhaps heres a few things you could ask him to consider…

  • Does he realise the risk he is running… nothing major like stigma or anything but down the line either party could simply melt away for example one day she might take to something he does not like or vice versa..?

  • Has he considered what his Children will come to? It would be very hard deciding whos faith the Children would stick too at the end of the day you could end up with poor kids not knowing fish or fowl?

  • Does he have any idea what the changes will do to your fammily and hers if as you say both fammilies have deep roots it might cause some trouble?

As I said I am no expert but thats how I see things anyway. :slight_smile:

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

i don't think it's a big issue coz you don't know if things would turn up right even with a muslim girl/bhabi.....desis have more issues with desi DILs anyway.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

I'm sure all the elders in your family have already talked to him and tried to change his mind. If he is stubborn about it, let him be. He's an adult and I'm sure he clearly knows what Islam has to say about marriage with non-muslims. That's where the power of free will comes in. He's in love with a non-muslim with whom he foresees a happy married life, good for him. He has chosen to go against the Quran, not so good for him. You have fulfilled your role as a responsible muslim to try and educate your brother about this matter and there's nothing much you can do about it at this stage. Worrying about pros and cons and kids and society isn't going to achieve much.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..


**i pray that thats the case but i doubt...its practically impossible...they are just trying to passify the opposition to their marriage. i believe ur brother himself is NOT very religious otherwise he would think about the whole thing 100 times and come to the same conclusion that this kinda arrangement will not work.

i KNOW a couple, [husband - a very religious Egyptian (he became religious after the marriage) and wife is a staunch christian (she also became religious after the marriage)], now after 30 years of marriage are totally at odds...sons are Muslims and daughters are Christians...they have lost all the contacts back home in Egypt. It is a MESS for him.

its a very serious issue and ur brothers will probably not listen to any reasoning so i see a very unpleasant situation. i pray that this doesn't happen that way. **

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

As long as it is VERY clear and VERY much understood by the girl that the children will follow Islam, this marriage can work. Children are the most important factor here, other than that, he's an adult he can handle it.

BBQ: How has he chosen to go against the Quran?

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

I was about to edit this part out once I remembered muslim men are allowed to marry chaste jewish and christian women? Then what's the ruling on the upbringing of the kids?

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

^Even if the mother does not convert, the children must be raised Muslim.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..


He is NOT going against Qur'aan...in Islam, a man is allowed to marry a woman who is Christian or a Jewish without CONVERING her to Islam. a Muslim woman on the other hand can NOT marry a non Muslim...even the man who is ahl-e-Kitaab.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

kids gots to be muslims..

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

KKF: Jee jee sorry, I knowz. :silly:

Applejuice: This is where the couple might have issues then… unless they’re all about educating the children on both religions and letting the children decide for themselves.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

From what I've seen, the most obvious issue is going to be the children, and what they will be raised as. Then there might be the food issue. He would have to eat halal, though he can't impose that on her. I know people who have married non-Muslims and regretted it later.

Even if they say they're willing to compromise by allowing the children to be raised as Muslim, I've known of people who've gone back on it afterward, though this is not necessarily true with the majority. Still, the children will probably be confused if they see that the father believes/practices one thing, but the mother doesn't.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

Nikkah with a believing Christian woman is valid. But the children must be bought up in Islam and it will be your brother's responsibility. He will be answerable to this.

IMO this is the major thing they need to discuss right now. She will have to accept this fact and agree that she will allow it and not try to pull the children in the other direction. If your brother doesn't care/mind what the children are bought up as, or if she says they should be free to choose and your brother accepts that - then that's his business. You should make him aware of what his religious obligations are and then it's up to him to decide what he feels more strongly for.

The other issues are her family, since they are conservative Christians. I'm sure they will want to be a part of her life and her family and even if she agrees now that the children will be bought up muslim, she may change her mind if her family say it's not right etc. So that can be the cause of conflict later in life.

Everything else comes down to her character and personality (whether or not she will fit into your family), which we cannot comment on.

If your brother accepts that he wants them bought up in an Islamic environment, he will need to be prepared to make sure that environment exists and that can be pretty hard unless he has a lot of support from your family. If they will live far away after marriage, it will be quite difficult. So these issues really need to be discussed and ironed out now if they are important to him.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

i don;t think should be problem, my parents are the case and we siblings were raised up in an islamic environment.

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

Please define a believing Christian woman for me ...

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Re: Marrying a non-muslim who is NOT ready to convert..

Well what kind of definition are you looking for? I bought believing in because she must believe in a monotheistic God. I know plenty of people who call themselves Christian but they are actually agnostic and/or don't follow their faith.