Re: marrying a divorced girl
clad, if you have balls then make a stand - if you can't do it then leave her alone.. because the way you are handling, it's not helping her, make sense?
Clad, do you only want to marry this girl because you feel "sorry" for her (which is a natural emotion)...but it shouldn't be the sole basis for marriage. Plus, do you think you'd be able to handle the financial and emotional demands that would come with two children?
Her in-laws probably fear that a marriage will separate the kids from them....and they want her and the children living under the same roof. The also might fear that having a husband might prevent her from giving the kids her full attention....or that the husband might hurt the kids. If they're keeping her caged because she's their son's "nishani"....that just doesn't make sense to me. The dead are dead....let the living live and move forward with their lives.
Perhaps her parents have similar fears as the in-laws. Although, I'm surprised that they're pushing her to live with them. Why didn't her own parents take her back? Is it because they couldn't afford to keep her under the same roof? Is the girl not able to financially support herself and her children (lack of education, etc)? Was she married to a cousin...which is why the parents feel she must live with the in-laws...because they would also be her relatives?
3) Seeing your mom's negative attitude is not going to encourage the girl or her stubborn family....it would deter them further. You can ask your mom why she's so against this girl? Some of her concerns may be valid. The other points can be calmly countered...with Islamic references. And your brother can try to reason with her as well. Even if you don't end up marrying this girl...I still think it's an interesting discussion to have with your mom....just to hear her thoughts about the issue.
4) If you were to meet the families...you'd have to reassure them about their fears. It's a really difficult situation to be in....because the girl herself seems either too passive/weak.....or she's been brainwashed into believing her family is right.
**If this is a serious thread.....then consider your own needs....and the various consequences....pros/cons.....before determining whether or not you should pursue the matter any further.
Calm down guys. It could have been a mistake.
Re: marrying a divorced girl
Ok, if it was a mistake, I apologize. But really, it does sound like a drama; so you gotta ask, why would you ever want to involve yourself in such a situation?
Re: marrying a divorced girl
The only viable explanation I can think of as to why her SELFISH in laws would want to KEEP her caged in their home is because they want their grand kids with them at all times and don't want some other dude raising their son's children.
I have no idea why her own parents would want to deprive her of a happy life though.
This is totally and completely SELF-ISH on both the parents and in-laws parts and partly why I so utterly can't stand TYPICAL PAKISTANIS like these.
I swear....y'all like to talk about how white people are so this and so that...take a look at your OWN community. This would NEVER happen in a white household.
It's 2010 for goodness sake and women are STILL powerless in Pakistan. I feel SO sorry for the millions of powerless women in Pak going through similar or worse things than this.
Re: marrying a divorced girl
UNBELIEVABLE!! how can her own parents not want to see her happy again?
Re: marrying a divorced girl
i hardly think the girl is CAGED if she's meeting friends and such!
OP - you really need to think about what to do in this situation , you have to think carefully because this is not a easy situations, it seems like conflict may occur from both sides, both yours and the girls! If your really sure about this then go speak to her parents herself.
As someone above said - don't let the fact that you feel sorry for her be the only reason for you to marry her?
Candyapple - i hardly think all women are powerless in pakistan! They may just not have other solutions! It's not just in pakistan where they are powerless, it's many other countries inc UK/USA!
I should have wrote it marrying a widowed but made a mistake coz I was reading a thread on divorce Is main itne tension wali kia baat hai 
,
why the hell would I make it up I rarely open thread any way unlike you people who BudY open threads b4 going to the Lu and 1 when u come back priks ,
and I think I have mentioned b4 I am not in love with her, LOVE do not exist , I am not a saint either I wanted to marry her because when I met her I liked her a lot as a person and when she told me about her husband I really felt sorry for her she is a great girl but the fact is I would never have felt any thing if she waznt a widow I would never have thought about marrying her thats a fact ..
before you all start being sarcastic again NO I am not looking for some widow to marry it was just something I thought was right and I liked that girl as well .
Clad, do you only want to marry this girl because you feel "sorry" for her (which is a natural emotion)...but it shouldn't be the sole basis for marriage. Plus, do you think you'd be able to handle the financial and emotional demands that would come with two children?
Her in-laws probably fear that a marriage will separate the kids from them....and they want her and the children living under the same roof. The also might fear that having a husband might prevent her from giving the kids her full attention....or that the husband might hurt the kids. If they're keeping her caged because she's their son's "nishani"....that just doesn't make sense to me. The dead are dead....let the living live and move forward with their lives.
Perhaps her parents have similar fears as the in-laws. Although, I'm surprised that they're pushing her to live with them. Why didn't her own parents take her back? Is it because they couldn't afford to keep her under the same roof? Is the girl not able to financially support herself and her children (lack of education, etc)? Was she married to a cousin...which is why the parents feel she must live with the in-laws...because they would also be her relatives?
3) Seeing your mom's negative attitude is not going to encourage the girl or her stubborn family....it would deter them further. You can ask your mom why she's so against this girl? Some of her concerns may be valid. The other points can be calmly countered...with Islamic references. And your brother can try to reason with her as well. Even if you don't end up marrying this girl...I still think it's an interesting discussion to have with your mom....just to hear her thoughts about the issue.
4) If you were to meet the families...you'd have to reassure them about their fears. It's a really difficult situation to be in....because the girl herself seems either too passive/weak.....or she's been brainwashed into believing her family is right.
**If this is a serious thread.....then consider your own needs....and the various consequences....pros/cons.....before determining whether or not you should pursue the matter any further.
I wanted to marry er coz I liked her as a person and also I felt sorry for er..
to be honest I dont know how I will react towards kids I like them and they are just babies .
no she was not married to a cousin but married in a community she is KOHATI pathan brought up in karachi ,
NO I cannot ask my mom plz dont ask why !!
redvelvet really appreciate your reply thanks
Re: marrying a divorced girl
What a sorry situation that her own parents don't want her happiness
first of all...its really nice of you to send a proposal for her...i am happy to know guys like you still exist...
i am shocked that her own parents doesnt want her to marry again..she is only 23 year old...i cant believe parents can be like that...
Well all i can say talk to your mom about it and if doesnt work then leave it..you said you are not in love with her so why give her more trouble...
you said she is pathan..i have some pathan friends and their parents are really strict....they always talk like if you do this and that people will talk bad ...etc....I dont know why they are like tat
This is really sad. I really think the girl would be better off married quick and her kids are small too so it shouldn’t be that hard to adjust to new life.
Clad, good to know there are guys who think like you :k:
Re: marrying a divorced girl
cant believe parents can do any thing such with their own child. Zalim logon ki kammi nahin hai dunya mein. i feel sad for her.
as far as you marrying her, hmmmmm.... its a tough situation since it can create probs for her. if her in laws come to know, they can put restrictions on her meeting with any friends or relatives.
may be u should talk to her parents again. try to make them understand that their daughter will need a man's support tomorrow when the parents in law are no more in world. plus the kids would need a father too. give them Islamic references where its highly recommended for a widow to remarry that too if she has widowed in such young age. remind them that what will they answer to Allah on day of judgement for this zulam they are doing on their own daughter. assure them that you will never stop the kids from seeing their grand parents.
wish you luck. inshAllah if He wills, He will make it easy for you.
The only viable explanation I can think of as to why her SELFISH in laws would want to KEEP her caged in their home is because they want their grand kids with them at all times and don't want some other dude raising their son's children.
I have no idea why her own parents would want to deprive her of a happy life though.
This is totally and completely SELF-ISH on both the parents and in-laws parts and partly why I so utterly can't stand TYPICAL PAKISTANIS like these.
I swear....y'all like to talk about how white people are so this and so that...take a look at your OWN community. This would NEVER happen in a white household.
It's 2010 for goodness sake and women are STILL powerless in Pakistan. I feel SO sorry for the millions of powerless women in Pak going through similar or worse things than this.
Agreed. And unlike some people that say that you are only interested in her because you feel sorry for her, I actually disagree...You simpathise with her, which is not the same thing. And you went up to tallk to her, which in most cases, means you saw something (b4 knowing her story) that made you want to talk to her. Stories like this make me sick. I feel so sorry for this girl. Don't know what to tell you. She said leave her alone, so I guess leave her alone. Why are widowed-divorced women treated like this??? Even your mother, why would she not be happy for you, instead of saying she would never talk to you again? arrhhhgg.
cant believe parents can do any thing such with their own child. Zalim logon ki kammi nahin hai dunya mein. i feel sad for her.
as far as you marrying her, hmmmmm.... its a tough situation since it can create probs for her. if her in laws come to know, they can put restrictions on her meeting with any friends or relatives.
may be u should talk to her parents again. try to make them understand that their daughter will need a man's support tomorrow when the parents in law are no more in world. plus the kids would need a father too.** give them Islamic references where its highly recommended for a widow to remarry that too if she has widowed in such young age. remind them that what will they answer to Allah on day of judgement for this zulam they are doing on their own daughter. assure them that you will never stop the kids from seeing their grand parents.**
wish you luck. inshAllah if He wills, He will make it easy for you.
Again, agreed...
Re: marrying a divorced girl
Gooood Thinking CLAD
i am happy to see that your interntions were Good
But , At the same time i feel very sad for the girl
I get very amused to see How even educated people can think this way.
I also got rejected a Proposal Just becasue the Girl is Pathan and i m not Pathan.
The Family was Highly educated but still they were unable to think out of this mentality
May Almighty Allah Bless her .
It would be better to leave her , rather than creating more problems for her.
Re: marrying a divorced girl
why is she living in her susuraal after her husband has passed away?
and 
she should speak up for herself.
and 
clad
Might be some Tradition of Pathans as well…
As her SAS said - they have kids - Her Son’s Neeshaniiii
Some times Girls are not very Strong to speak of herself
Specially when her own parents are not supporting …
Re: marrying a divorced girl
one of my teacher in university was a widow. she got married at the age of 18 , had a baby and at the age of 19 her husband died in a car accident. she went on to complete her education , got a job in one of the most well run organisation in Pakistan and she also got married again ( I think she was 25-26 at the time of her 2nd marriage) And on top of everything she was a pathan.
But I guess her family was very supportive & wanted her happiness so they let her do whatever she wanted.
I don't think it has got much to do with being a pathan. We can find people in all sectors and cultural groups with weird and ridiculous thinking.
But clad your intentions are good , not many people would choose to marry a woman who was married before and that too with kids. I hope Allah finds a way for you and reward you for your pure & clean neeyat.
she is KOHATI pathan brought up in karachi ,
so thats why..