I am getting to know a great guy for marriage, who I finally click with.
However he has a lot of politics in his family. They bought a new house and haven’t told their dad until they move in. Mum and dad don’t communicate that much with issues. His brother in law is not talking to his sister (his wife) due to he blames her for a divorce for another family member, in the family (she had nothing to do with it). He’s from Pakistan, so I know they can think differently to us. His other brother is married to a white woman. His third brother is divorced. His brother in law doesn’t get on with this brother. His mother expects you to pray.
I come from a extremely small family, who have hardly in issues. Am I stupid for being nervous? Do most family have a lot of issues?
I’m looking at my friends families or their husbands families and I don’t think they have this many issues.
Also he always wants 50/50. If he pays one date, I’ll pay the next date. I always thought that guy pays mostly? I suppose I work too so doesn’t matter really. I’m just traditional like that.
He grew up with nothing so I think he’s just very careful with money. He doesn’t go over and beyond for me neither.
Does anyone here have a 50/50 relationship? Does it matter if it is like that or do you think a guy should pay and look after his other half?
Unfortunately in my experience even if you're politics free other people who like this kind of politics will drag you in. As much as you'd like no guy can be seen an individual entity family does encroach onto decisions. My whole avoids marrying into another branch of relatives because no matter which generation it is they end up in massive fights amongst each other. It's like in their blood to create chaos.
The money thing is strange because even on a platonic friends thing guys got slightly berserk trying to pay so I've never encountered a guy initiating the 50 50 thing even though I rarely let anyone else pay for me.
The one worry with working women isn't that they pay for themselves but they end up paying for their kids completely. So be wary of that. You definitely want him to pay his share for diapers.
yeah that's what I'm used to. He has paid 70% of the time but he'll allow me to pay for everything on another time. He's hasn't got that "You are a woman, I want to look after you" attitude. But I think he will once I'm his wife though.
yeah that's what I'm used to. He has paid 70% of the time but he'll allow me to pay for everything on another time. He's hasn't got that "You are a woman, I want to look after you" attitude. But I think he will once I'm his wife though.
We want to be on par with men, yet want them to ' look after us' . Well, once you're his wife and ' looking after ' him, he should be the one paying and 'looking after' you. As for the politics part, you'll definitely be dragged into it. So enter at your risk in such a family.
yeah that's what I'm used to. He has paid 70% of the time but he'll allow me to pay for everything on another time. He's hasn't got that "You are a woman, I want to look after you" attitude.But I think he will once I'm his wife though.
Don't hold your breath for this and don't expect him to change after marriage!
No, you are not wrong in being hesitant about entering a family riddled by drama. There is a likelihood that the politics may seep into your marriage but that also depends on factors such as whether or not you'll be living with in-laws and how your spouse tends to manages family/political conflicts.
Also, why would you seal your fate with marriage to find out if he'll change and develop more pride? Listen to your gut-feeling. Us women tend to dismiss troubling signs that are right in front of us.
If this was an arranged-marriage, then you'd be paying attention to his behavior during your pre-bat-pakki interactions to see what kind of a spouse he'll be. Similarly, in a potential love marriage....you'll be observing his actions during the dating phase. I personally don't care for couples (married or otherwise) who speak of a 50-50 splitting of the bill. That makes them sound more like "roommates" then a married couple. How does one even determine if their spouse is contributing 50% in a marriage? How about in housework? The thing is you can't measure it. I may receive flak for it, but I like the way Islam has set it up....that it's farz on the guy to provide for his family.
I usually don't rush to suggest looking elsewhere. But to be honest I don't get the best of feelings from this relationship.....so look elsewhere.
Right now both of you are dating. So he is treating you as equal. In fact it adds to his credibility. Ideally, after marriage, there will be nothing like who paid for what. Common money, common expenses, mutual trust. No my money your money.
Whatever doubts you have, you should ask him. For example, ask him what he prefers as the financial arrangement between you two. State your preference. And see if his response is aligned with your expectations.
As for family politics, if you find one without any, you will be the first.
yeah that's what I'm used to. He has paid 70% of the time but he'll allow me to pay for everything on another time. He's hasn't got that "You are a woman, I want to look after you" attitude. But I think he will once I'm his wife though.
If he pays 70% of the time...then that means you pay 30% of the time. This means he pays "majority" of the time, so why did you say in your original post that he "always" wants you to pay 50%?
Unless you mean that even though he pays 70% of the time, he is "always" talking about you paying half the time. Always talking about splitting the bill is not only annoying, it's cheap.
It seems like you guys have already talked about marriage to some extent or you wouldn't be hoping he'd change after becoming his wife. In that case.....why don't you ask him what his views on marital finances are to be handled. Cuz it doesn't seem like you'd give this guy up easily even if majority of the members were to tell you to look elsewhere.....cuz you've already developed an attachment to him. Sometimes that can cloud judgment. So, to get a more clearer idea about what you'd be getting into, ask him his views about finances, about whether or not wifey will live with in-laws, how he handles family conflicts, how he plans to handle conflicts b/w wife and family, does he believe it's a wife's right to work or does he demand that she work and provide (there's a difference) etc, etc.
I'd be wary and if possible wait for the change to happen before marriage (I think it's very rare for people to change after marriage.. most just don't feel the need to imo)..
Family politics can make your life a living hell.. please be careful..
So, to get a more clearer idea about what you'd be getting into, ask him his views about finances, about whether or not wifey will live with in-laws, how he handles family conflicts, how he plans to handle conflicts b/w wife and family, does he believe it's a wife's right to work or does he demand that she work and provide (there's a difference) etc, etc.
^ This! This is what you should be talking about during these "dates"! Find out what living arrangements he wants after marriage in terms of his parents and ask him how money will be handled. If you work after marriage, will he expect you to pay half the bills/mortgage/groceries etc? What about he views on life after children as far as your work is concerned (ie. does he expect you to be home when the kids are young etc.)?
BTW, it's plain STUPID for a woman to think that a man will change after marriage. He is showing you who he is right now. This "dating" phase....this is actually when people are on their best behavior. So if you marry this guy.....do so knowing that THIS is who you're marrying. Don't fool yourself into thinking that his views/beliefs will chance just b/c he signed the nikah papers.
Sorry, let me rephrase. It is not 50/50. It's is more 80/70 him and 20/30 me. Most of my friends other halfs pay for most of them so I assumed he'd be the same (I haven't been in a relationship before). Also at the beginning, I did all the driving as he had no car. He's got one now but hasn't offered to drive me anywhere yet. So I never felt he had gone out of his way for me, other than pay for my dinner.
He did buy me Rose's for my birthday though. The thing is, I'm a romantic, I like doing things and buying little things. He isn't like that so I don't do this for him, which is quite sad really but I don't know how important that is? I know he'd look after me if I was poorly etc.
He's had a hard life which involved him having to work from the age of 9 so I think this has made him hard nosed.
I've got to know a few guys over my years. I'm 28. But he's the most decent guy I've known. He hasn't tried anything, so respectful and we have a lot in common. That's why I'm hanging in there.
He wants me to work and wants me to work after kids. But that's upto me he said. Hes supports my career.
He wants to live away from in laws for the time being but there could be a time where they do end up living with us.
I'm really scared about the politics. But he's quite a logical thinker, so I don't know.
Would it put you girls off? What if everything else was ok?
My sincere and honest advice to you...Run
I am a guy but faced same problem as you. There was lot of politics in her family. I thought i'll handle. But now I am really suffering.
Then I seriously wonder how many other guys share your opinion.
What is not good abt this person, RV. He has had a tough upbringing so he is responsible with money. He spends 85 pct of fate expenses. Is open minded re the lady's desire to work or not.
I will leave the romantic aspects for you young folks to discuss. Not saying it's not important. But culturally, folks from desk may express themselves differently.
Do not ever assume anything about a person. Either wait to find out the information or ask directly. But do not assume.
Don’t ever compare your relationship/marriage with what your friends/other have. This is the fastest way for you to be miserable.
The guy actually sounds a lot like my husband in this. My husband is not romantic at all. He does not do little cute romantic stuff on his own. He doesn’t surprise me with gifts, flowers etc. If I want him to get me a card on my birthday…I literally have to tell him “I’ll be pissed if you don’t get me a card with sweet stuff written in it for my bday”. And then I end up getting a card where he writes “I love you”…and that’s it. He was like this when we were dating so it wasn’t a surprise. And guess what…he hasn’t changed after marriage (and we’ve been married for several years). HOWEVER, when I ask for something or need help or whatever…he is ALWAYS there for me. He loves me and his way of showing his love is by being responsible and making sure our life is stable/secure etc.
So decide now if you are ok with spending your life with a man who will NEVER do the typical Bollywood romantic stuff. I can guarantee you that his behavior will not change. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. Its just he has his own way of showing it.
Well now you need to ask more detailed questions:
If you work, will he expect you to pay for living expenses like rent/bills/childcare etc.? Will you expect all finances to be combined…as in you have joint bank account, joint savings etc? Or will you two have separate accounts?
When he says there could be a time where his parents live with you…what does that mean? Will that happen simply b/c his parents want to OR will it happen if they’re sick and cannot live by themselves? In the event that his parents are not living on their own for whatever reason…will they move in with you guys permanently OR will the time be split between the siblings?
Does he use his income to financially support his parents at all? If so, how much of his income is going towards that? Will he expect you to share your salary to support them too?
Family Drama:
1 of his brother’s being married to a white woman…exactly how will this effect your marriage? How is this drama?
Same with his brother that’s divorced. How is the brother’s divorce going to effect your life?
Same with the BIL that doesn’t talk with the sister?
His mother expecting you to pray…how will she know if you’re praying or not if you don’t live with her? Does the guy pray regularly? Discuss religious details with him NOW…ie. how practicing is he and what he expects from his wife (ie. does he expect his wife to pray regularly?).
They bought a house without telling the dad…who is “they”? Who paid for the house?
Find out how close this guy is to his brothers and how he deals with the family drama such as the BIL not talking to sister or dad not being told about the house etc.
Also he always wants 50/50. If he pays one date, I'll pay the next date. I always thought that guy pays mostly? I suppose I work too so doesn't matter really. I'm just traditional like that.
He grew up with nothing so I think he's just very careful with money. He doesn't go over and beyond for me neither.
yeah that's what I'm used to. He has paid 70% of the time but he'll allow me to pay for everything on another time. He's hasn't got that "You are a woman, I want to look after you" attitude. But I think he will once I'm his wife though.
Thank you for the replies.
Sorry, let me rephrase. It is not 50/50. It's is more 80/70 him and 20/30 me. Most of my friends other halfs pay for most of them so I assumed he'd be the same (I haven't been in a relationship before). Also at the beginning, I did all the driving as he had no car. *He's got one now but hasn't offered to drive me anywhere yet. So I never felt he had gone out of his way for me, other than pay for my dinner.
*
He did buy me Rose's for my birthday though. The thing is, I'm a romantic, I like doing things and buying little things. He isn't like that so I don't do this for him, which is quite sad really but I don't know how important that is? I know he'd look after me if I was poorly etc.
He wants me to work and wants me to work after kids. But that's upto me he said. Hes supports my career.
He wants to live away from in laws for the time being but there could be a time where they do end up living with us.
He is giving you hints about the future life but you are fantasizing it according to your imagination. If he wants you to work how is he leaving it up to you? There are a lot of vague aspects here which you better clarify.
Base you future impression on how he is or things are at this moment (fact based) rather than on what you imagine they would be.
If he is someone who listens more to outsiders than family, then you will be in trouble regarding family politics.
If you have a better job/career than he does and wish to continue working/build career after marriage/kids then maybe he just respects your wish which is a good thing. If he has a better job/career than yours but still wants you to continue working after marriage/kids even though you have a different (Islamic) view of marriage (Like, men should be the providers) and you really think he's a good match for you, then I think you should talk to him about it to get his view on what kind of arrangement he would ideally like to have after marriage. If what he tells you makes you uncomfortable then he is not a good match for you.
About family politics, you should very critically observe his own attitude in any family conflict & his way of dealing with it. If you see anything which makes you uncomfortable then you surely are not with the right guy.
In regards to working, I want to work and I've told him I want to work after marriage and it's upto me if I want to work after kids. He's got a good career but so do I so he thinks it's unfair that I have to give mine up and that I'll get bored sitting at home. He says he'll be the provider but I'll cook and clean with his help as I'll be working too.
He doesn't get involved with the politics. He lives away from home weekdays but comes home on weekends. From what I've heard from him, he seems quite logical in the way he thinks. For examples, he said "I don't want to live with my parents if my un-married brothers are there plus too many people in one house causes too many problems".
His family politics aren't his fault but they still make me feel uneasy but I can't imagine him allowing me to be dragged into them. He's close to his family but independent too where he actually prefers living away.
The reason his parents might live with us is because he thinks once the other brothers get married, they'll go off and want to start their own lives whereas he's the responsible one who probably invite the parents to live with us.
I don't think I have to financially support his parents...his sisters don't so why should I? I rather support my own who aren't financially stable either.
If we live by ourselves, he'll have to support us and his parents. I don't know how that's going to work? He'll be splitting this with his other brothers.
It's so confusing. I really like him and I'm 28. He's the first guy I've met who will respect me and my views and will be loyal.
Have you accepted that your husband isn’t romantic and are you happy? It’s one of the things I was looking forward to.
I’ve answered some of your questions in my above response.
In regards to the family drama:
Well she drinks, wears revealing clothes etc. I don’t have a problem with that but his parents are very religious and it was made out to them that this woman was a muslim. I don’t really care but it’s just something he mentioned.
It’s not but his brother married a family member and divorced her so caused issues.
Well the BIL and sister are first cousins.
When I go the house, or if she lives with us. He’s not bothered but religion is forced upon them. He doesn’t care.
All of the siblings and the other parent. I don’t know why…
He listens, he tells me. If he doesn’t agree, he won’t speak to the person in the wrong. He just wants a simple life. I think this is why he lives away.
He was like this when we were dating so it wasn’t a surprise. And guess what…he hasn’t changed after marriage (and we’ve been married for several years). HOWEVER, when I ask for something or need help or whatever…he is ALWAYS there for me. He loves me and his way of showing his love is by being responsible and making sure our life is stable/secure etc.
How is this drama?