In regards to working, I want to work and I've told him I want to work after marriage and it's upto me if I want to work after kids. He's got a good career but so do I so he thinks it's unfair that I have to give mine up and that I'll get bored sitting at home. He says he'll be the provider but I'll cook and clean with his help as I'll be working too.
He doesn't get involved with the politics. He lives away from home weekdays but comes home on weekends. From what I've heard from him, he seems quite logical in the way he thinks. For examples, he said "I don't want to live with my parents if my un-married brothers are there plus too many people in one house causes too many problems".
His family politics aren't his fault but they still make me feel uneasy but I can't imagine him allowing me to be dragged into them. He's close to his family but independent too where he actually prefers living away.
The reason his parents might live with us is because he thinks once the other brothers get married, they'll go off and want to start their own lives whereas he's the responsible one who probably invite the parents to live with us.
I don't think I have to financially support his parents...his sisters don't so why should I? I rather support my own who aren't financially stable either.
If we live by ourselves, he'll have to support us and his parents. I don't know how that's going to work? He'll be splitting this with his other brothers.
It's so confusing. I really like him and I'm 28. He's the first guy I've met who will respect me and my views and will be loyal.
What is not like. There is no need for confusion. He seems a very nice fellow with excellent values.
He is SUPPORTIVE of your career (regardless of whose job is better. I agree with you and him that whose job is better should NOT be a criterion on whether you work or not. It should be up to you. And he recognizes that).
He is a wise person - not wanting to live under same roof with unmarried brothers.
He is responsible - thinks of his parents. At the same time respectful of you.
As long he doesnt like and stays away from the politics and also does not want you to be a part of it then all's good. As long as he is aware of and willing to fulfil his responsibilities as a husband/father, it's all good. As long as he is not insisting you to work when you do not want to especially when he can support his wife, children and parents with the job he has, it's all good. Marriages are about comforting the other, not putting them under unnecessary emotional or financial pressure. And if you also have your parents to look after, he should not insist you to support yourself, him or the kids because your parents are your first responsibility especially if they're old and not very well to do. If he is a real gentleman then he would also offer to support you 100% so that you can look after your elderly, not so well off parents yourself. He must understand that just like he thinks his parents are his responsibility, your parents also your responsibility.
Also beware if he's talking too much about or is stressed over his family affairs most of the time. Because that can also be emotionally draining. If he really wants to stay away from that politics, he also should not be talking about it alot with you.
^ I believe the OP and the gentleman have already come to a good understanding. Fixation on a non issue appears to be cause for Confusion here.
In the modern era, with both husband and wife earning and on equal footing, the family responsibility along with house work is shared (ideally). And that is happening here.
And each is also intending to support his or her own parents.
This couple is wiser than most. The understanding is better than even in arranged marriage.
I will let OP process this - but wanted to take the focus away from what is a non issue, Islamically or otherwise.
He lives away from home weekdays but comes home on weekends. - Will he visit his family every weekend AFTER the marriage too? Find out so you're not surprised later.
I don't think I have to financially support his parents...his sisters don't so why should I? I rather support my own who aren't financially stable either. - What did I say earlier about assuming things? If he expects all finances to be combined, then how will you make sure that YOUR portion of it is not going to his parents? My point here is for you to STOP assuming! Find out DETAILS of how his expects to set-up finances after marriage. Since your parents are not financially stable, find out how he feels about your giving money to YOUR parents (since he'll be giving money to his).
If we live by ourselves, he'll have to support us and his parents. I don't know how that's going to work? He'll be splitting this with his other brothers.
- Well, why don't you ask him how its going to work?! Again, what are you talking about on your "dates"?! Ask him directly if his brothers are splitting the costs. You should know what his salary is before the wedding. Ask him if you choose to stop working once there is a child in the picture, will his income alone support you/child/him AND his parents. Its very easy of him to say "Oh you don't have to work after marriage if you don't want to". But plenty of moms out there work simply b/c they have to (ie. husbands income is not enough to meet all obligations).
Have you accepted that your husband isn't romantic and are you happy? - Yes. I dated him for a few years before engagement and I accepted the person I came to know in those years. He is not perfect and our marriage is not perfect either. But the good outweighs the bad. The compromises I make are worth it to me. YOU are the only person who can decide what compromises you are willing to make.
I see one big potential red. You wrote his parents are VERY religious and when people go there, its forced on them. Well how will this work if his parents come to live with you guys? How does he plan on dealing with their insistence on practicing religion then? It's not a big deal if you are visiting their house and the pressure/pretense is temporary.....but the situation is totally different if they're living with you.
OP and the gentleman.are ahead of the curve in so many ways. Ideally one should have answers for all these questions .
To put it in perspective, even in most arranged marriages, these tough questions are unanswered. Some of the details OP has looked into aren't even well laid out in arranged Marriages.
Such intricate details on weekend visits, finances, prayers - never do get addressed. Till they come to the forefront. OP probably should recognize that she is miles ahead of the median. But doesn't hurt to be in the top 0.1 pct and iron out these details as well.
I believe that there is a lot of communication gap between the OP and the guy.
you should be talking about the precise things with him. Do not make assumptions that things will change. no one changes. people tend to revert to their original selves with time.
Also, please dont over-emphasize the fact that its so hard to find a nice guy. dont settle against your gut. it will come back to haunt you miserably. its fine if you want to make compromises, but just dont force yourself to settle.
If they are like keeping secrets from family members and not talking then don't forget that the guy is also from the same family and has the same genes and grew up with these things inculcated. You are only getting one side of the family politics - HIS side. everyone thinks they are right and justified in how they behave.
Although no one can be perfect but I see a lot of red flags in him which you are failing to see because you are being a hopeless romantic.
TALK to him about these things and make sure you clearly define the issues and the post-marital expectations.