Ignore all fitnah provoking comments, and listen to what Bobby1, Sheeda, and SindSagar have to say on this.
They know what they’re saying.
Marriages are not simple or logical at times. Initial years of marriage require tons of selfless efforts in bonding and building a stable relationship as we adapt into the new role of a spouse. I have witnessed multiple scenarios where women throw fits like the one you listed. I’d be lying if I said I was not one of these women myself. It is extremely normal for women to have a fairy tale approach to marriage and the frustration/anger comes when reality clashes against or fails to align with our preconceptions. So just be easy on her, let her know your whereabouts, plans and be a friend instead of ridiculing her reactions.
I don’t see why you’re surprised of her breakfast reaction. She simply wanted to make your breakfast and start her day off with you. You carelessly had breakfast with your mom which sent the following messages: 1. You’re not as important as my mommy 2. I still prefer my mommy’s cooking over yours anyday 3. I prefer having breakfast WITHOUT you.
From now onward, I suggest that you diplomatically tell your mom to rest a bit and let your wife do the cooking.
You should know you’re doing something wrong when she has to resort to “I’m leaving you” threats just to get a little bit of your attention.
Rationality don’t always work in these kind of situations…it might even flip the person even more…considering their actions are entirely driven by emotions…
Do you think that the wife got the right messages? and that the husband guy was giving these very message and she was right to construe above stated interpretation?
If not, is it man’s fault that the wife misconstrued the situation and derived these messages in her mind?
OP, you have listed only two scenarios, if you can tell more incidents then perhaps we would be in a better position to advise you.
Incident no.1 you have mentioned: You said you were away for only 25 mins, that is really not much of a time for a spouse to make a big deal out of it. I would understand if she has gotten upset if you had planned this programme with your friend days before and you were out without letting her know for good 3,4 hours but over here this was not the case. So either she is the one who wants to be informed by the husband even if he is going out to fetch a pack of juice or may be that you have informed your mom/dad or other member and she got to know that they knew and she didnt and that might have irritated her.
Incident no.2: Are you sure she was okay before the breakfast thing? was there anything that happened at night/a day before that she was upset with and she just vent it out over breakfast thing? But if she was indeed upset over it then that’s not the right behavior. Getting married doesn’t mean that parents are left with no right over their children. If your mother wants to feed you with the breakfast she made, your wife should not mind it, in fact she should welcome it. How would she feel if her mother brings her something and she uses or eat that thing and you become upset with her?
However, you should not worry much when she says she would leave the house over such silly things, because many times we say such things in anger but does not really mean it.
Since when having breakfast with mom or other family member become a sign of carelessness? I don’t get this why wives have become so insecure about relationships? In other words it means families are left with no rights and should not show any sentiments towards their own children once they marry them off. I wonder if husband start saying to wife" you can not go to your mom’s place, or can not hang out with your friends because it means you prefer spending time with them over me or it shows negligence and carelessness" It is this kind of intolerance and desire to treat your spouse as your property that is leading to more broken homes these days.
This has been an interesting discussion and yes some of the posts do mention things that I have never thought about or realized that my wife could have interpreted this in a different manner than I did.
Some folks have suggested informing the wife always when leaving home as it could be “unsettling” I agree with the notion of informing the wife when leaving home and I certainly do when I leave for some work or anything I feel would take me a couple of hours out but I would like to disagree that anytime that I step out of the house I need to inform my wife about my whereabouts if sometimes I fail to do so I have the phone with me and would assume that she would call me if needed. Also, my mother and the wife both have a good relationship and I for one have never seen them arguing or having any sort of disagreement on anything nor has she complained about her to me.
Next, about the breakfast thing, I don’t dislike my wife’s cooking, she does all the cooking for me and my mother usually cooks for herself and dad as they both get up pretty early and have lunch and dinner way earlier than we usually do. So I am always eating what she cooks for me but I think she is a bit conscious if someone does this for me because it has happened before that once I ate biryani that my bhabhi had sent us ( both my brothers with their family live or separate floors of the house we live at the ground portion with my mother and father ) and she became very upset and there wasn’t a fight but it was pretty apparent she didn’t like this at all and from that day onwards I have avoided eating even if they send us something. What I feel is she should understand we live with other family members and just because I am married I cannot completely cut them off and stick to my wife all the time for everything.
Finally, some people suggested she could have some mental or psychological issues and I would say that is certainly not the case based on the amount of time I have spent with my wife she is perfectly fine other than these random anger outbursts which are tolerable and like I said after such arguments she does acknowledge she overreacts sometimes and tries to mend things so that theory is not viable.
One important thing that I have missed out and I personally think could be the reason is her staying at home all day because before we got married she had a good managerial position in the financial sector, she earned well and was pretty independent and as per the wishes of her parents and through our mutual consensus she decided to leave the position like a month before marriage. I think maybe she is not used to staying all day at home and this could bee some pent-up frustration that comes out and I am hoping with the passage of time she would finally settle in.
So why couldn’t you invite her to eat your mothers paratha or bhabis biryanni with you. When someone sends us food we share it, if you are okay with her leaving the house without telling you then she should be okay with you not telling her. You never answered my question as to what you do for her to make her feel appreciated, she left her home, her family her job and everything for you. What did you do for her?
If you don’t change your ways then maybe you will have a wife but not her love, a woman’s love is not an entitlement but something that needs to be earned.
Good grief! OP said that bhabi sent biryani for “US”…meaning he knew that it wasn’t sent only for him and that it was meant to be shared with others.
If wife was upset because she felt he was hogging the biryani, OP would have mentioned it. So, I doubt that not sharing was the issue.
The issue is something else. Is wife maybe insecure that he might compare the biryani to the bhabi’s or like her cooking more than hers? Possibly. Seems like there’s maybe some sort of insecurity here. Maybe a desire to always be the best or number one or preferred to others…or even being in charge. Another possibility could be that since she was in a managerial position, she must have been used to being in charge…or being in control…and this can even translate into the home life and relationships. Or maybe she misses working.
I dont think he can see beyond his nose, I ate my mommys paratha, I wanted to eat anda, I ate biryanni, I went out with friends. she cooks I eat, she should feel privileged that she is allowed to be his maid, hopefully she is happy in the privilege of being his maid which is far better than being a manager at a firm and pursuing fulfillment. She should just focus on him and not think about her needs.
When asked how you show appreciation for someone who left everything for a deficient life where she does not even have her own house, the answer is silence.
Let’s say that your wife’s frustration is due to staying home all day. You will only find that out if you talk to her about it as opposed to making guesses. But if this really is the reason then…
1) Will you be open to her working? Maybe even a part-time job? Right now you both don’t have any children, so there are not additional responsibilities. If you’re worried about chores such as cooking and cleaning, then that can always be worked around. Before answering this question, I want you to examine your reasons for why you do not want your wife to work. Consider this question from multiple angles and see if you can be flexible with this.
2) If she really does miss working, maybe she can look into options where she can work from home (if she’s up for that..).
3) If she truly does not want to work but she misses her former life which was more stimulating and more independent…then how about taking a course or a class of something that interests her? Or going to the gym , etc etc. Getting out of the home for a while a few times a week.
4) Has she been to visit her parents in the past 8 months? Maybe she needs a mini staycation with them? Or maybe you both can go out more often..(travel, etc etc)…? ***But traveling is not going to compensate for any ambitiousness that she had to give up. Just keep that in mind.
The vibe that I get from your story is that your wife’s whole duniya is revolving around **you. **And while that may seem flattering to an extent, it can even become annoying if she’s gonna take out her frustration over lame stuff like a plate of biryani. That’s not cute.
Now either she is acting out because she feels unfilled in some way …either because she is not working…or because you are maybe you’re doing something that is making her feel this way…or…her personality could simply be one of micromanaging. Yes, there are people like that who need to be in control; they like being in charge. She used to be in a managerial position. It takes a certain type of personality to be a manager. It requires leader traits. And maybe those traits are seeping into the marriage. Ya phir there is some other insecurity with her.
So you gotta talk to her and figure out what kind of outlet or support she requires from you…so that she can stop taking out her frustration over little things.
Calm down ladies, sorry if I missed any of your questions. I tried to answer the repetitive points in my last response so let’s answer the ones I forgot.
Firstly, the biryani, I thought this was pretty apparent whenever a dish is sent to someone it means it is for the entire family, not just one single person. So I didn’t feast like a madman on the biryani I just ate a little and then left the plate for the wife and I thought this would be obvious.
Since I am the one communicating in this thread and not the wife so obviously you would hear things that I did and my side of the story ( ate eggs, went for chai, ate biryani etc ) and you would have to take my work on this and the result of which were fights not sure if there is something additional I should mention to better elaborate the scenarios.
About the appreciation part which many have inquired about yes she left her parents, her work, her independence for this marriage and to be honest this is not something that she did as a favor to me or under some sort of pressure that I should be grateful or indebted to my entire life this is the sort of sacrifice and commitment every couple makes when they enter into the marriage circle. If a woman makes these sacrifices than a man also takes the financial, mental, physical and emotional wellbeing of the wife, and his family for the entirety of his life and never expects others to appreciate him, show pity or pat his back for fulfilling his responsibilities or calling these his sacrifices. So when there are such arguments I have talked to her about it and tried best to put her mind at ease and many times have accepted her reasoning and justifications to the fights just to make her happy and put this behind us. But I don’t think there is a need for me to appreciate her leaving her job, family and marrying me.
Women there dont do things willingly, he asked her to be an unpaid and unappreciated maid for him and his parents and she willingly agreed..lol. If he is such a financial hotshot why cant he hire a maid or he does not seem disabled so why can’t he look after his parents himself?
Again with the I WOULD PREFER!!! and not just ask baby, its your life so if making you work feels happier than work. Do you think she did all this schooling to be an unpaid toy and maid for an unappreciative man. Do you guys not have the concept of showing appreciation.
Its all about how one reacts. If she is fighting ugly and packing her bags, every month, she not the the one worth living with.
It doesn?t matter how much you understand her, their will be disagreements, through life. A person who cannot get his/her point across like a human being is just going to give you ulcers.
LOL. Bob is still stuck on why OP didn’t eat the biryani saath-saath with his wife as if that’s the most integral detail in this puzzle.
Bobby Ji…k posts ki kuch chand logon ne thori bahut tareef kya kardi…ab to Bobby has received even more encouragement to go around making posts about lovey-dovey actions and throwing around examples of how he is a better and more loving husband than everyone else…ad nauseum.
Looking after the home and doing the chores does not make someone a “maid.” What an over-simplified interpretation of a marriage. And if we go by this mentality, then I suppose Bob is the “maid” or “butler” of his wife and children since he’s the one always doing the cooking and the cleaning.
Marriage is a give and take relationship built on love, trust and mutual respect. In this case she is the one who is making all the sacrifices and doing everything and he has done nothing to reciprocate. If you are doing housework without being loved or appreciated than you are nothing but a maid.
Pls dont compare Man Child to real men. Real men treat their women with respect.
@Bobby1
Your funny, and sound more agitated than my wife usually is. I think your definition of a real man is the one they usually show in Indian soaps always crying and apologizing to the wife. Too much TV and fairytales does that sometimes.
Not proud of my past where I cracked skulls and broke ribs, was in the UNI weight lifting team also. Where I come from real men are gentle, caring, loving and considerate towards their wives. I know in certain parts of the world tiny lil man childs think that oppressing and abusing wife is real manliness.
Mostly we interact with athletes and their families and most dads are athletes also built like tanks and these big men are also bending over backwards for their petite wives. At Jeremies party, he is 6-2’ gold Medalist, his dad also a towering brute and both son and father did all the cooking, cleaning and dishes and would only address petite wife as honey, darling, sweetheart etc. Big men are loving towards their wives, lil inscure men are jerks towards them.
