So I am just writing this to get some insights into what I am going through and this is something that I might not be able to discuss with family or friends but I feel this could be something that other married couples go through as well and maybe you guys could share some of your experiences. By the way, this is coming from a guy.
So I got married this year in February, it was a totally arranged marriage through the rishta aunty and prior to that we were engaged for almost 11 months and I took this time to know her and we met a no of times at her home and out and in short these 11 months went great and I was ( and am ) very happy with my decision. Now here is the issue that I am confused about.
Within the first month of the marriage, we had a pretty crazy fight I don't remember what it was about but it got to the point that she wanted to pack her bag and go to her mother but I calmed her down and everything was back to normal. Now over the course of 8 months, we had had a no of similar fights and the problem is these fights occur for the silliest, vague and completely unimportant reasons ( atleast to me ) and everytime she gets hyper, she shouts and threatens to leave and I just don't understand what the H do I do to be a participant of the arguments and fights. An example of such fights be like, I was at home a friend called me out, I went out and took him to a hotel for chai and got back in like 25 minutes and the wife was furious about why I left without informing her or texting her and so furious that she almost had a stress attack. Example 2: I woke up and told her I would have eggs, I went out of the room and my mother had already made a paratha for me so I ate that instead of the eggs and all hell broke loose ( She never argues or fights in front of the family everything is behind closed doors).
Now I love my wife, I am happy with her and the purpose of writing this is to understand what she thinks and how she thinks or interprets these small issues which make her stressed and lead to fights. Other than these fights she is a perfect wife and DIL and takes care of me and the family wholeheartedly so I am just trying to find a way to reduce these fights and arguments as much possible. I think hearing the feedback from other married people especially females would shed some light on this.
Basically OP, you need to learn how to see things from her pov. Would you still consider it no big deal if she picked up a call from a friend and then just left without giving you any context? Would you not worry where she went or why did she leave all of a sudden? Or you prepare breakfast for her like she told you but then she just eats something else? A little bit of consideration goes a long way. All you had to do for the scenarios you mentioned was to inform her beforehand, which would have taken all of 5 seconds.
Have a calm discussion with her. And tell her that you understand that your mistakes have annoyed her. BUT ALSO explain to her how it makes you feel when she shouts at you, when she threatens to leave. Tell her that such threats are not healthy for a relationship and that the solution to everything is not to pack up your bags and leave. If you have never made such threats to her, then kindly remind her of this. She needs to understand that if someone screams at us often enough, it erodes their image in our eyes.
A little consideration does go a long way, but based on your post your wife has issues with anger/maturity. In the grand scheme of things the mistakes that you have made are pretty minor. Rather than wait for you to return home so she can scream at you, she could have simply sent you a text message to ask where you were. Now if you did not respond to her text message…then yes…that would be annoying.
You wife has to understand that there are other options to resolving an issue. For example, you could have eaten the paratha with the eggs. But sometimes we change our minds about what we want to eat and that’s okay. It’s a small nuisance and nothing that warrants a screaming match. She could have saved the eggs for later. If they were hard-boiled eggs, they could have been added to a saalan as a side. She could have made a sandwich out of them to eat at a later point. Or some other member of the home (maybe even a maid) could have eaten the eggs. It’s not the end of the world. There are different ways to solve a problem and you can address this point with her.
I don’t even think the real issue is the eggs or forgetting to inform her where you’re going. Some people have a desire to feel in control or in charge of every situation. And when anything gets in the way of that, they get upset. Making threats is a form of manipulation/control and she has to understand that there other ways to bring about changes in your relationship.
Lastly, I would tell her…“The fact that you only shout at me behind closed doors and not in front of everyone is proof that deep down you know that such angry outbursts are not right, not healthy, not dignified for either you or myself. So, it’s better for both of us to practice sabar and resolve our matters in a more respectful way.” She shouldn’t only be afraid of how her angry outbursts will be perceived by your parents. She also needs to be mindful of how they will affect you and the marriage over time.
She’s either on the spectrum (look up ASD) or has some psychological issues that give her a short temper, people brush these off as personality flaws but it’s something deeper. You gotta find a way to work it out and if she accepts she has a problem then that would really help.
I think there is something else bothering her and there is mistrust, feeling unloved and unappreciated. What do you do to gain her love and respect and show her that she is deeply loved. A woman needs display of love and appreciation several times a day. It is also a woman’s prerogative to lose it on her husband or lover and it takes two to tango, if you dont respond to her anger and just say baby I am sorry, I didn’t realize this would bother you and next time I will ask you before I go out. Also after asking your wife to make eggs for you and then eating mothers parathas is not cool, mothers like to show their power over the son by doing this kind of stuff, no woman respects mamma’s boy.
Again you seem selfish as you are mainly concerned about hey things are okay for you. Did you ask her if things are okay for her?
so, in short…do inform her before doing anything (i know it sounds like you forced to act like a child - but you gotta try to do that if you don’t want these fights)…
women are women…if you expect rational response from a wife…you are viewing this whole situation incorrectly…
its a common wife behaviour that they will make a fuss out of anything and want to be important…and expect you to show importance to them…threatening to pack the bags and go home is also a part of that…they want you to ask them to stop…which satisfies this urge of having power/control over you…
Some crazy fights are normal in the first one or two years of marriage so much so that the end seems certain, yet things calm down soon after. You are lucky to have both of your families around to calm things down. Usually families have some wise goodhearted people who understand this and won`t exploit the situation. Consider involving them if things start slipping out of hand.
I hope it is just part of normal adjustment process and will subside soon and you will be able to find peace of mind. Unfortunately though that is not always the case. In my case, the first year of marriage was smooth sailing but after first child, it seemed my wife had undergone lobotomy. I had zero gray hair until that time but within months I had plenty. Fights would be over the most stupidest things at first but slowly a strategy emerged. There was a method to the madness. Sometimes there were no straight 24 hrs without a fight. I have posted a few times about them here. But again, hope your case is not that bad. One thing I learned though is that as a man you will get little support, people will mock you and marriage counselors are too hesitant to criticize women. All in all, marriage starts to look like prohibitively expensive endeavor.
@NomiCA my immediate boss is a female, my VP is a female also and I feel they are more rational than most of the male bosses I had before, with male bosses it was mostly about their shallow egos, It also seems that single females are more mature and financially responsible. I think some cultures oppressed and sheltered women and did not let them develop to their full potential.
A relationship is like a bank account, when you do something nice it is a positive deposit, when you do sth bad it takes away 10 positive deposits. It seems your relationship account is running in negative. Do you ask her about her needs? Do you ask her what makes her happy. You mention one fight but dont show appreciation for anda paratha thoonsing for 8 months. She left everything she loved for you and is now questioning if you were worth it. Show her that you were worth it. My woman has not left this house for a single day and says if she dies her ghost will come to live with me. I make deposits in my relationship account every day.
Women are also territorial and now it seems that breakfast is her territory and she does not want encroachment there.
No, her reactions are not normal. They are extreme and that too over minor things. If she were to forget something, would you go off on her and make threats about leaving her? No. Behaviors have a psychological root to them. If you think it’s something that you are failing to do on your end, then make the necessary changes. But we clap with two hands. With that said, I still believe you need to talk to her about her reactions because to make a habit out of exploding and saying sorry each time puts a strain on a relationship.
No man…don’t talk to her…that will result in THE craziest fight… she will be like…you think i am crazy? i do this this this this for your, and here you are calling me crazy… and then you will have nowhere to turn…best is to avoid the fight
On one hand you say that you find her reactions to be strange (not normal) and then when someone suggests that you try to find out the psychological/emotional reasons behind her outbursts…then you get a bit defensive and praise her for being a very smart and good wife, and that everything is normal with her. A person can be an intellectual and still have an inner emotional/psychological conflict. I doubt that her outbursts are truly due to eggs.
In order for you to understand her, you’ll have to be open to considering her reasons and also be willing to make compromises where you can from your end. FI you dismiss every single issue she has, then you’re not going to get anywhere. For example, if she has never prevented you from hanging out with your friends or going out…then surely you can inform her before leaving the home…(even for a stroll in the area). That would be a win-win situation for the both of you. The egg-scenario, on the other hand, is over-the-top. I dunno…do you feel that she’s very attached/possessive of you? If so, maybe she needs to reassurance from you. But to be fair, she needs to check her temper cuz breakfast is a minor thing. She could still have chatted with you and enjoyed your company while you ate mom’s paratha. =/
@Abbasilk A LOT of "smart and intellectual people can have psychological problems or autism, she has issues cause have an explosive temper isn’t normal. You need to educate yourself on psychological issues cause you can be educated and appear normal yet still have something.
I could not agree more with what @Bobby1 said above. Instead of confronting her about her episodes of “fight”, ask her, talk to her, what is bothering her and try to fix that.
[quote=““Sheeda Pistol””]
I could not agree more with what @Bobby1 said above. Instead of confronting her about her episodes of “fight”, ask her, talk to her, what is bothering her and try to fix that.
[/quote]
Thank you brother [USER=“74589”]Sheeda Pistol[/USER] in quest to better myself I observed the white good family men and it seems that when females get angry or upset they dont raise their voice or fight back. At one of the competitions the female athletes dad Graham left with me for coffee, when we returned the daughter Stephanie started yelling at him as she needed something from the car and dad cool as ice just looked at her and smiled and didn’t say a word. If one person is panicking or upset does not mean the other should also. Second Occasion John pushed his girls to run 10 K race in a blizzard and the two girls started yapping at him and he smiled and walked away and said that when they get like this I just walk away. If there is no push back there is no escalation.
@Abbasilk ****"I am just trying to find a way to reduce these fights and arguments as much possible. I think hearing the feedback from other married people especially females would shed some light on this.
Thank you"]
Bhai Sahib most people are very sensitive early in the morning when our **Blood Sugar is low! and usually that explains the Nit Picking and cranky behaviour!
You will learn that with time when to stay away from an argument!
Like The Poet Mir said:**
Ibtedaae ishq hai rota hai kya Aage Aage dekhiye hota hai kya
and from what I read here you are doing just fine!:k:
