Re: Marriage of my choice
It is so very hard to explain. My family is such a strict type that if I refuse my chachus will personally withhold my passport and beat me until I go there. I don't know how to handle this. Should I just stop trying? Because I think they will always give her "taanay" for not being from the same caste and for being a runaway, so Im not even entirely sure if she will remain happy. :(
Re: Marriage of my choice
I hope things work out for you.
Re: Marriage of my choice
Where do you live? Why do your chachus have you passport in the first place? Don't you have other ID that you carry? If so, get another passport. From your message I inferred that you lived in the UK or US. If your chachus will beat you then stay away from them. I know it is easier said than done, but no one should stay in an abusive situation.
I would never recommend that someone cut themself off from family, but yours sounds looney! For God's sake if my family was like this I think I would separate myself from them, not to mention keeping any future wife away from them. I understand the consequences of breaking traditions, my husband was the first to marry outside of his caste, and it took awhile until things were somewhat normalized. It is still held over his head 16 years later. But someone has to stand up and take the initiative, maybe you don't have the courage for such a step.
This situation goes well beyond your love for this girl. Will your parents and khandaan be selecting your job, raising your children, and controlling every move you make until one of you dies?
Re: Marriage of my choice
Hussein and I agree on something finally :D. You have an obligation to this girl, after all she has stayed with you all these years expecting marriage.
Re: Marriage of my choice
your_angel yeh phir 'tootta chashm' bhai
you are keep saying that you will marry to both as you would be financially capable to support both of them afterwards and both wives will happily accept each others. ... is it really that easy??
did you tell that 'building' girl that's what you are planning to do .. means would get married to miss 'cousin' afterwards??
why you wanna marry to your cousin btw?.. just to keep your parents happy (or rather keep their mouth shut)?? and to make your cousin's life miserable since you already mentioned that you don't find any attraction in her (or she is like a sister to you or something like that above somewhere)... you won't be fair to her since your attitude will always be tilted towards your first preference. .... i feel sorry for your cousin
Re: Marriage of my choice
It's a lot of complicated stuff. My grandfather arranged my rishta with one cousin when I was a baby, and my whole family believes that to do anything other than honor his last wish is just assinine. Therefore, I can't really get out of that. And as for the second one, I spoke to her mother and told her that I'm not interested in her daughter and that I won't be able to keep her happy. I asked them please not to mention this conversation to my parents, but she told her husband, and he flipped and told my parents... and they basically don't care whether I want to be with their daughter or not, they still want me to make her my second wife (I think she's kharaab by pakistani standards therefore they're desperate).. please don't quote this as it contains many personal family things, God forbid anyone I know ever comes across this
Re: Marriage of my choice
I still think you are a coward. If you love the girl, then tell your parents that you are going to marry her and move out. It is well within your rights Islamically, and it isn't as though your family sounds particularly rational.
What if your grandfather's dying wish was that you convert to Hinduism - would you do that?
If you were such a pathetic excuse for a person that you lacked a spine, then you shouldn't have been dating anyone else in the first place.
I am sorry for being so harsh, but your story reminds me of what could have happened between my husband and I had he not been a 'real' man.
Re: Marriage of my choice
Hey Yourangel.. I haven't anything much to say but I do wish you luck and if you think she's the one.. then it's worth fighting.. I understand where you're coming from but always respect your family be assertive and strong and do what's best..I agree with gup's who talk about istikhara.. and soulmates are rare so be careful of your decisions.. as life is so so difficult even with loved ones next to you..
Good luck Bhai..
Re: Marriage of my choice
Iftikar
The best thing to do at this very moment is to do ur Istihara and ask for Allahs guidance, since ur so confused.Lekin just remember sometimes there are things we think are good for us but Allah knows they are not and other times we belive certain things are not good for us but they are coz Allah has made them good for u.
Re: Marriage of my choice
I'm starting to think that this cat your angel is making all this up because he's getting so many passionate reponses, a way to get attention perhaps?
Re: Marriage of my choice
I personally will get an arranged marriage Insha'ALLAH. This way i can chose who to marry but with my parents advice! I hope everything works out for the best Insha'ALLAH iftikhar brother... :)
Re: Marriage of my choice
angel man, I have been through this. due to my cousin, i couldnt get married to girl that i loved. (we werent in relationship). I just liked her, and their family was agreed. but put off by my family interest in my cousin. when i found out about this. I just refused to marry my cousin and stuck to it. was huge hue and cry and my uncle family still like enemies to us.
mostly parents dont like son to have their own preference. but now you think about all about parents. and that so called izzat etc. there is no harm in marrying a girl you love.
easiest thing for you is just say you dont wanna get married yet. keep doing that. and have this place only and only for your love. love doesnt come around in life again and again. that i can feel you are bit too dependant on the family and coward to some extent and you cant show your manly decision to them and seriousness about this girl.
stop saying you will get married to both, cause you cant. i dont think have that much courage or its fair with other wife. you cant handle one let alone two.
so bro, think calmly and make your point to parents that you want to marry ONLY and only that girl you want. if you cant do that then just say you JUST DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED. and stop getting scared from your uncles mate. If you cant face anyone, then just move out and marry that girl. you are not a girl and this will not bring shame to your parents at all.
you knew all about your family and circumstances etc. why you have led this girl since so many years to this??? it will be shame you leave her now or even consider marrying other girl too.
remember one thing. you will not find love again in your life.
Re: Marriage of my choice
Just a small point, dunn be taken for the last wish crap. Theres no honour in ruining your own and some else's life just for the sake it. At the end of the day, forced marraiges are haram, do some research and show your folks that should you be forced to marry this person or the next, the marraige will be islamically null eitherway. should that not work, shari wise you dont really need the permission of you're guardian, however, i wouldnt use that unless its a last desperate resort.
Re: Marriage of my choice
listen to me, i have a friend wh actually was stupid enough to go with his 'love of my life' and ignore his parents. Its always wrong to honour a commitment to a girl, thinking kay you commited to her. Always remember your first commitment is to your parents. The best advice is to delay any marriage using any pretext. Because believe me kid, girls change. ** You** might change. Love is an elusive concept. Its VERY elusive. And mercurial. Believe me you cannot give your own guarantee, take it from someone who has been there and has seen it either happening to close friends or to herself and when people change their minds, its NOONE's fault. It just HAPPENS..and then any sacrifices you made or anytime you compromised on your values or on people who are intrinsically bound to you for life, ie your parents or siblings, you WILL regret it. Please stay away from any life altering decisions. Please.
Dont trust her cos you cant trust yourself right now. Never make any decisions in confusion or in the heat of any moment. You have to ** LIVE** those decisions. Please. Delay everything.
And wait.
Re: Marriage of my choice
What a bunch of hooey. At what point do you start making your own decisions and stop depending on your parents for EVERY thing? That’s the problem with so many desi men, they live under their parents’ thumbs all their lives and when the parents leave this world they are left incapable of making any important decisions. Part of raising your children is to teach them right and wrong and then setting them free to make their own mistakes and learn from them. Unbelievable.
Re: Marriage of my choice
Argh. How insane that people find it so easy to spot crazy crap advice not realising hat thats not whats being said and the fact that they can spot crazy crap in good advice is cos maybe their own viewpoint subconciously calls out to crazy crapshiiit
I SAID: Commitment to parents wishes came before commitment to any other persons wishes. Its a matter of chronology. Nothing else
Secondly I stated that its best not to make any decision at all at present than make the wrong one. I did NOT support marrying anyone. Not the parents choice, and definitely not his own yet. For cipes sake his own choice is too young to know her mind however old he may be.
*If he was capable right now of making a decision himself he wouldnt be asking here now would he? *
In the event that he has, MY advice was to ** wait and postpone every and any decision being realised till he knew his own mind**
Kindly keep your biased BULL to yourself if you cannot comprehend very coherent passages.
Re: Marriage of my choice
Sara516
Re: Marriage of my choice
What's so funny?
Re: Marriage of my choice
Its so sad to think that as Muslims, parents can blackmail there own sons and daughters for there own happiness.........ruining many ppls lives in the process, which continues over generations................have parents learnt nothing over the years? This is gunah.....but parents always choose to ignore this and feel that by reading there namzes they are still faithful to Allah.
A parent is one who loves there child unconditionally and as long as there child is happy they would do anything for them? Isn't this the rishta between a parent and child?
I think you should stick to your guns, if you dont, u cant put a stop to your families values. This behaviour will be a continuous process in the generations of sons and daughters your khandan has yet to come. So you need to out your foot down.
If your family stops talking to you due to this, my advice is carry on doing your duty as a son to your mother and father. Even if they fail to forgive or acknowledge there wrong. After all, this is not the real life, the real life is yet to come and never forget.....allah is always watching.
Re: Marriage of my choice
yea right, saieen was just arranged!!!