Well in my case, my parents are either totally panicking cuz of rishta from outside family and country too, or they are being total over-protective or total control minded.
In either case it is lack of trust to my decision. Well they are not aware of the fact that I really really like this guy but they do know that I would like to marry him.
So far I have tried to be diplomatic and showed that I value their opinions too. But I was expecting them to be more opne. They are just discussing it with my siblings instead of involving me. I feel like being treated as a kid. I am gronw up and mature and even been married before though it was only nikkah but they should know that involving me from day 1 is the best thing to do....
lets just pray for each other in this holy month of Ramadan!
I agree with what others have said before, you need to sit everyone down together and talk to them very patiently, respectfully, but also directly. As you said, they are being overprotective out of their own fears. They need to hear more from you and what you want.
Weel its not easy to tell my parents that I like a guy. Not before his family are involved. And icompared to before its gonna be so much easier now when they have called.
Wow, this is unfortunately a classic situation in many families. :(
You know, according to Islam a girl can't be forced to marry someone she doesn't like, she does have the right to say NO.
And cousin marriages are bound to cause troubles anyway.
Perhaps you and him and someone of his family could all go talk to a decent Imam, ask him for help, he could talk to your parents. Maybe that would help.
Parents are very good in ruining their childrens life for the sake of izzat, even if they know their child is right and they themselves are wrong, still for them often izzat is more important than the truth,maybe because they are from a more cultural generation and our generation is questioning that now, which it should.
Don't let anybody talk you into doing anything wrong. Don't let anybody ruin your life again. Obey your parents, respect them, be good to them, BUT children do have rights to.
Good Luck. I'll say a special prayer for you tonight insha Allah.
chameli im sorry but this is just as much your fault as it is your parents’. u KNOW u have the full right to marry him…why are you not being more agressive? yes alot of parents want to dominate and in your case its not so much the fact that his zaat is different or not its just that YOU CHOSE HIM and not your parents and this is what is getting to them. it is so obvious. for many pakistani/indian parents there’s a stigma attached to a GIRL choosing a BOY…blame the culture. but i dont want to get into that. if you really want to be with him and feel that he is as sincere to you as u to him (this is very imp too!) then make it clear to your parents that you WILL marry him and only him. and you KNOW you can argue from an islamic point of view too. we have examples which will help you out with that. Trust me if they know there is no turning back they will agree and stop being so difficult about the whole issue.
they have to know two things: one, that the guy is sincere and his family is too and two, that u r DAMN SERIOUS about this too.
and lastly…as far as a parents consent goes…many scholars agree that parent’s consent is NOT required for a girl who had been previously in a nikah that got annulled such as your case. so whats the problem?
TRUST me … as far as forcing marriages with cousins is concerned i have been thru it too…mine tried all the tricks in the book to get me to marry a cousin…
Wow, sounds like your dad is a real dick... from a guy's point of view, if my dad called a girl's dad and he behaved like that, I would refuse to talk with the girl's family until an apology, and I would let the girl know that even though I was interested in her, I do not want to marry her at the expense of her parents insulting mine.
This zaat nonsense is barbaric and old fashioned. Perhaps your father should join the rest of us in the 21st century.
As for you, if you're really interested in this guy, are financially independent from your parents, why not cut the cord and tell your parents what you want and they can accept it whether they like it or not. IF you're going to live your life for parents who believe in the old fashioned, not to mention, unislamic, custom of zaat then you might as well kiss your independence and happiness goodbye, or you can take a stand.
If you can't even take a stand and ask for what you want, then obviously this guy is not important enough for you. What your parents and many other parents fail to understand is that the marriage is yours, YOU are getting married, it's YOUR life, not theirs.
i hate to sound rude but your parents messed up the first time around when they forced your to marry someone and it didnt work out. I dont think they have the right to tell you who to marry the second time around. Just be honest with them...tell them that you did it their way the first time and it didnt work and now you are going to do it your way. Tell them that you dont want the same thing to happen again.
I talked to my sister. She told ammi to talk to me as it is important to tell me whats going on etc. but when I called home yesterday noone mentioned anything. I spoke to all of them and was on the phone for more than half an hour. At last I hung up frustrated.
My older sister did ask me if I am bored alone and if they should find me a partner. Its just ridiculuous that they dont say thing directly.
As for me..I dont now what has happened to me. I just cant be that agressive anymore. I feel like just marrying him. Being divorced I dont need a wali for nikkah now but I just want my family to share my happiness.
I decided to forgive them for all what has happened before with the forced nikkah. But they are not changing.
^ I think in this case you have to be aggressive. They are not mentioning anything because they want you to forget about it as Ansoon mentioned. If you don't stand up and tell them that this is what you want, you won't hear about this rishta again. Watch them not utter a word when you go for Eid. You will have to sit them down and talk. There seems to be no way around it.
Exactly RB. IF they are not speaking about it openly then maybe you need to do it yourself. By staying quiet u r only reducing ur own chances. They don;t even know that u r in love with this guy, maybe they are assuming that u wouldn;t want to move to a different country and would rather find someone close by. They are treating him like any other rishta from a different country. I know if I got a rishta from another country my parents wouldn;t be too enthusiastic about it. I think Canada is the furthest they r willing to go that too not verrrrrry willingly. Now if the rishta was from a guy who I really wanted to be with, regardless of where he lives, then ofcourse there would be another factor to consider before anyone made a final decision. You really need to stop being so secretive about it now. Its ur life at stake. Would u rather lose this guy or keep up the facade and maintain a false image of yourself in front of your parents? If you r mature enough to be romantically involved with a guy and be thinking marraige then u should surely be mature enough to speak about it too.
You need to find out what makes your folks hesitant about the guy and his family. Do they have a better option for you. Sometimes parents could have valid concerns or fears. They have made a mistake before..maybe they are cautious this time. I think it is unfortunate that you are not close to your parents and can't address the situation openly.
You and the boy need to play a bigger role than you are playing at the moment. Speak up.
Hmmm....his sister called again and then his dad called 2 days after. When the sister called, my mum was consulting dad about what to say and my dad told her to tell the sister to ask the dad to call.
So when the dad calls, my dad goes like "call me at Eid" which was actually decided on the first conversation anyways. We were all expecting that maybe dad asked the dad to call cuz he wanted to set a date to invite them over with his dad rather than his sister.
But I was quiet dissapointed when my dad told his dad that he might have other things to do that day that his dad was suggesting to come over.
So yeah...now I have to tell them face 2 face what I want.
I am just nervous. Even thoug my istikhaara has turned out positive, i am still nervous. Mostly cuz of his sister's role in his life and her behaviour towards me. She is ironic etc when alone with me but not in front of him. And I have already posted another topic on that before....
I am scared to move away from my family and leave them.
I know he loves me a lot and want to see me happy but I can problems coming between me and his sister which will just create an uncomfortalbe situation.
chameli im sorry but this is just as much your fault as it is your parents’. u KNOW u have the full right to marry him…why are you not being more agressive? yes alot of parents want to dominate and in your case its not so much the fact that his zaat is different or not its just that YOU CHOSE HIM and not your parents and this is what is getting to them. it is so obvious. for many pakistani/indian parents there’s a stigma attached to a GIRL choosing a BOY…blame the culture. but i dont want to get into that. if you really want to be with him and feel that he is as sincere to you as u to him (this is very imp too!) then make it clear to your parents that you WILL marry him and only him. and you KNOW you can argue from an islamic point of view too. we have examples which will help you out with that. Trust me if they know there is no turning back they will agree and stop being so difficult about the whole issue.
