I am feeling so low. His dad called my dad to introduce himself and his family background because they want to visit my family and talk about our rishta.
2 weeks before his sister called my mum and my mum said that they needed time to discuss it in the family. They discussed it with each other and with me. I gave them a go and now I was expecting them to be more positive when his dad would call.
But when his dad called my dad was pretending not to know anything. Then after an introduction etc my dad asked his dad directly about their zaat and family background. His dad wanted to know when they could come over and my dad just said that he would call him back but he never asked for his number!my dad also said that he needs to discuss this with my mum who is not home at the moment.
Later I found out through my sister that my mum was sitting just next to him!!
After the call, my parents have been discuss his family and they apparantly think that his family lacks the true pakistani values. Come on!I am so sick of this.u know, they forced me to marry a cousin many years back. and I was in the forced nikkah for many years before it was annulled. Then they have always demanded that none of their children can marry anyone outside their zaat.
Now here comes a rishta that is from same zaat and on the top of it, it is guy I really like. But still they have a problem with that and they are finding keeras in him and his family. And they havent even met his parents yet but they are judging them like they have known them forever!
I am really sick of it. They always want to dominate. They want to dominate over my sisters who are married with cousins and it has lead to problem between them and their husbands. Still they dont understand to be on a sideline and not interfere in their lives.
Its just a matter of total control. I just dont get it. what is wrong with not being total true traditional pakistani. For me, THAT is the best u can have if the guy is a good muslim. He seriously is more than what I ever expected from a guy despite our arguments or whatever.
I jsut really dont get it. And I really dont know how to tell my parents that he is the one I wanna marry!I am so sick of discussions and arguments that has been part of our life the past many years due to that forced nikkah. Now its like a new drama has begun and I am really not feeling up to any stupid arguments with anyone.
It's almost 3:30 a.m. here and I'm not really thinking too clearly right now......so all I'm gonna say for now is that I will keep you in my prayers......
I did read the other post you put up regarding his sister's behavior before.....I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all this drama....especially with Eid right around the corner.
HUG
I understand that your parents are already judging them....but are they willing to meet his family at all? Or is your dad just planning on totally ignoring that phone call? Have you asked them whether or not they have the slightest interest in meeting his parents? Or are they already saying "no" to the rishta?
I’m sorry 2 hear that you are going through a tough time. Well parents are parents… they feel an urge of responsibility and having the need to control matters that we (sometimes) don’t like. The thing about ure forced nikkah was really sad, forced marriages arent even legal.
Try talking to your mom (if not dad) and tell them how you feel and what ure wishes are, i hope it helps, if not then try talking to someone who can convince your parents. Continue making dua also, we will also pray 4 u
Good luck with everything, i hope that things work out, inshallah they will :k:
If you can talk to your mother about this issue, openly. then please do so. Ask her what does your parent see wrong in this rishta. They should meet the other party for once then decide whats right and whats not.
I know its the biggest dillama of being a part of typical Desi family. If they had forced you in nikkah before and saw the consequences, they should take you in confidence about your future. I know its hard to take a step like that, but you 've got to come up with a plan. Which doesnt offend your parents.
I wish you luck.
And about his sister, is she married? Dont take her words seriously, actually the thing is larka family always believes that they have the upper hand as they have the LARKA. They can say anything. Just ignore her, she was kind enough to call your mom. Dont expect too much from her. Take your man in confidence about her attitude, in a positive way.
Why dont you do ISTAKHARA? Involving Allah in your case can do miracles :) If that rishta is not good for you, things will straighten out for you. ANd you'll get mental satisfaction too.
I agree with Sadaf…and they’ve already seen wot happened with their pick and all the grief u went thru with that marriage…i think u need to stand up for urself and wot u want from life a little bit and find the courage to approach ur parents boldly, but without being rude…just be firm about wot u want for a change and Inshallah becos they’re ur parents, eventually they will see ur side of it too…Good luck
I have done istikhara many times and I am very confident about this:) and InshaAllah it will work out in the end if this is right for me and him.
BUT I really dont understand my parents’ reaction. They havent even talked to me about this yet. I got all this information from my sister and from him as his dad told him about the phone conversation.
His sister is seperated and is going to get divorced within the coming time so she has plenty of time to involve herself in my and his life!
They havent talked to me after his dad called. I am currently working abroad so its a bit difficult situation not being home and not being able to talk to them to convince them.
My sister told me that my parents were very negative and then they called my older sister to discuss it with her and she just agreed with them all the way instead of telling them to stop being negative and judging them before hands.
I will talk to them when I go home for Eid but I just dont know how as I also want to avoid stupid arguments!
I have to stay calm while talking to them and this time I am finding it very hard!
yeah..and now she has been asking me if I have heard from my family and I really dont wanna tell her the details of whats going on at home. She already knows too much I feel. And she comments it all every time she has the possibility to do so which really hurts me cuz I never comment her private life.
And no I cant talk to my mum about this alone. The first thing she will do is to call my older sister and tell her everything I tell her and then they will discuss it and agree on that I am getting rebelious or whatever!
And I cant talk to my dad since I have tried talking to him alone when I was in that forced nikkah. But he just told every detail to my mum even though I told him to keep it between me n him.
So I really dont feel I can trust them!
I guess I will have to talk to them at the same time and make things clear for them.Problem is my older sister will most definantly be there and she alwasy interfere too much!
so sad to see that we pakistanies are still stuck in useless things like zaat. its like our parents want someone exactly like themselves. god forbid we marry someone from another zaat, or city or province or different sect of islam.
if you are over 18 you should elope.... jk. its hard enuff for a guy to do that let alone a girl.
Chameli420, i can totally relate to what ur saying ... well not to the forced nikah part but everything else.. Parents think that they have the right to choose rishta for us and if we tell them that we like so and so they seem to get offended or something.. like in my case.. my parents have been making excuses since day one .. and i have been following with patience that ok once this excuse is over then they will do something but baam! another one comes up.. so this is what i have decided.. gonna make my parents sit together and even get my older brother to be there and then just tell them straight forward on their face.. i want to marry her .. and they need to start taking this seriously.
You knw this is the sort of thing that pisses me.. We want them to celebrate with us our happiness.. you like that guy, he likes you.. you will be happy together.. and all you want is for your family to be part of that happiness. what good will that shaadi be where they force you into the whole thing and then expect you to smile? (you have already showed them that that doesn't work!) .. sigh i feel for you.. but the best advice i can give is to ask Allah to help us get through this tough time.. it is overwhelming and i knw that once can loose his/her temper but i think patience is what will get you through this..
Talk to both of them together.. dont' just talk to ur mom alone or your dad alone.. coz they are just gonna "tallo" the baat by saying ok .. let me discuss it .. yeh discussions chalti rahain gi.. they are never ending.. so u have to step up and make sure they know that this is what u want...
Chameli420, you need to sit down with your parents and have a face to face discussion. Tell them exactly how you feel and how much you want things to work out with this guy. They have already forced you into a nikkah in the past that turned out to be a miserable mistake, don't allow them to do the same thing again.
I'm not telling you to disrespect them, but you need to make it clear to your family that this is what you want and don't give up if they put their foot down and say "no". Keep trying to convince them. If they really want your happiness, then they should come around, inshallah. You need to be firm though. If you are not, then they will bully you into another marriage with someone who won't be happy and you may end up getting your marriage annulled for a second time.
Make it clear to your family that this is what YOU want and you want their love and support. Talk to your mother on the phone and then again when you see them on Eid.
Reason doesn;t usually work with unreasonable people. You r parents are ofcourse being unreasonable. But again do they even know your side of the story? I don;t think u have told them that this rishta is here because u want it to be here. Does anyone in ur family know that u like the guy? Are you close to any one of your sisters? Maybe u can initially let ur parents or mother know about this thru someone who will support you first and then step in yourself. Maybe if your parents know that u r genuinely interested in the guy they mayyyy change their approach too. If not then just stay firm and put ur foot down. Tell them clearly that its him or nobody. Im surprised some parents just never give up on screwing their kids life just for the sake of staying in control! Sucks really. The guys family isn;t always going to put up with ur parents attitude for long too. They can only take so much. I hope it works out before u get to such a point.
All i can say is, if u plan to live with them after you marry, then be prepared for herhavinga difficult time adjusting and them making things miserable for her..
^ Sara this might not always be the outcome. I knw that parents just like any other human begins to accept the change.. accept my decision and they will soon realize that the decision was the correct one. I have seen many arguments in my family where the relatives stop talking or even seeing each other but trust me over time it fixes itself and they do realize how stupid the reason was over which they fought.
