Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

[Sa1eem]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

^^^Did I write that in Islam marriage is a very strong bond (full of love, affections and attachments)?

What I wrote is that, Islam is the only religion that allows divorce and has made divorce easy and systematic. Actually, in Islam there is no such thing as love in marriage, rather marriage in Islam is based on need.

Divorce is also not taboo. One can understand from Quran that at one time, Prophet (SAW) was willing to divorce his wives (read Surah Ahzab and surah Tahreem), shows place of love in marriage.

33 (surah Ahzab) Ayah 28-29: O Prophet! Say to thy Consorts: "If it be that ye desire the life of this World, and its glitter,- then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner. But if ye seek Allah and His Messenger, and the Home of the Hereafter, verily Allah has prepared for the well-doers amongst you a great reward.

66 (Surah Tahreem) Ayah 5: It may be, if he divorced you (all), that Allah will give him in exchange consorts better than you,- who submit (their wills), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for Faith) and fast,- previously married or virgins.

We also have incidence when Ansaars (people of Madina) who had more than one wives divorced their extra wives so that Muhajirs (people who initially migrated from Makkah) needs could get accommodated (if there was love elements in marriage, than such could not happen).

I know that some Arab rich keep 4 wives and if they get interested in another woman then they divorce one current wife to get married to one interests them (keeping figure 4 for Sharee reasons). I also know that divorced wives of rich Arab becomes desirable for poor Arabs, as divorced wives are loaded (I mean, with money and other wealth, what she receives as mahr and present from her past husband … along with her own inheritance).

Anyhow, divorce is expensive affairs in Islam for men, especially, if girl is cleaver and made expensive demands in contract of Marriage (Nikah-nama). I am sure OP would not have thought or talked about divorce if in marriage contract (Nikah-nama) Mahr was $500000 (five hundred thousand dollars) or amount that was quite big for OP :)

[GlobalGal]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

No need to be so preachy you all who knows we might be in the same situation as the OP. He already said he screwed the whole thing up. It's a difficult decision that he has to make and a life changing one.

[khattichic]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

@Sa1eem

What I wrote is that,** Islam is the only religion that allows divorce **and has made divorce easy and systematic. Actually, in Islam there is no such thing as love in marriage, rather marriage in Islam is based on need.

@Sa1eem

Actually, it is only Islam where divorce is allowed,

Since no religion allows divorce, in non-Muslim cultures and countries, divorces is later development due to secular laws and realization that marriage can have problems where divorce is only solution. That means, any person who has religious inclination and follow religion other than Islam, they avoid divorce, and live together however gruesome relation may become.

Ummm…where are you getting this information from?

Divorce is not allowed in the Catholic Church, but other denominations of Christianity (Protestants and Eastern Orthodox) have no such restrictions and allow divorce and remarriage. Also, Judaism accepts and recognizes divorces. Buddhism has no concept of marriage or divorce, and keeps it on a strictly secular level, according to local customs. Even the Hindu Marriage Act, which is applicable for Hindus, Jains & Sikhs in India has provisions for divorce.

[LucyMay]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

@Sa1eem

On the other hand, when I talked about arranged marriages, I did not mean it is Islamic marriages. It means arranged marriages anywhere and in any culture (including western culture). **Most marriage in elite western society and upper-class UK are also arranged marriages **(though it is declining). Result that arranged marriages are more successful than love marriages are also true in western society (even if one excludes arranged marriages in west amongst immigrants due to their eastern culture influences).

Yeah they’re arranged - the boy and girl arrange it themselves. Also known as love marriages

I don’t know of a single western (as in non-desi) couple who went through the rishta/arranged marriage process. I’m giggling at the thought of my gori colleagues carrying a tray of chai for the ladkaywaley

[Sa1eem]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

@khattichic

Ummm…where are you getting this information from?

Divorce is not allowed in the Catholic Church, but other denominations of Christianity (Protestants and Eastern Orthodox) have no such restrictions and allow divorce and remarriage. Also, Judaism accepts and recognizes divorces. Buddhism has no concept of marriage or divorce, and keeps it on a strictly secular level, according to local customs. Even the Hindu Marriage Act, which is applicable for Hindus, Jains & Sikhs in India has provisions for divorce.

I might be wrong but what I know (from various sources), theoretical divorce is there in both Jews and Christianity, but practically divorce was so much discouraged that it was non-existent. Anyhow, later development in Christianity, recognising problems in marriages, accepted divorce. Same one can say about Jews, that divorce became acceptable is later development.

As for Hindus, again, divorce is later development … and Hindu Marriage Act you mentioned, that is recent act that got enacted after India became independent.

[Sa1eem]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

@LucyMay

Yeah they’re arranged - the boy and girl arrange it themselves. Also known as love marriages

I don’t know of a single western (as in non-desi) couple who went through the rishta/arranged marriage process. I’m giggling at the thought of my gori colleagues carrying a tray of chai for the ladkaywaley

Well, you may not know, but arrange marriage do happen in west.

I know quite a few English friends who had arranged marriage. Process is a bit different.

What happens is that, boy and girl whom their parents approve (usually taking into account family status, and background) get introduced and then marriage knot is tied. Quite often, such marriages happen without development of any relationship between would be bride and groom before marriage. One example is marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, that was not due to each other dating, but can be considered arranged.

[joy65]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

To be honest you seem like a guy with a good kind heart, but also someone who is very immature and shallow. U list her english, education, health, looks as turn.offs. So what if she cant speak perfect english, she will learn. Who cares what her major is, ive never ever heard of someone criticising majors. Shes her own person, she cant be a robot made just for ur likes. And health. Seriously? As long as it's not a life threatening thing, why does it matter? How do u know ur future wife wont develop health issues after marriage? How do u know u wont develope health issues? And her looks, as long as she is pretty and not revolting, u will learn to be attracted to her. I have seen sooo many relationships where the person initially was not attracted to their partner but over time it happened. This is because attraction isnt just about looks, its also about character. And u say y want someone equal or better than u. How do u know shes not better than u? Because shes not stunning and cant speak english properly? Are these really the qualities that you judge a persons value by? What will u do with her looks years down the line? I know of a man very much like u, who divorced his pakistani sweet simple wife to marry a beautiful, fashionable, educated girl from here. She has made hiS life miserable because she dis not have a good heart and now she left him because his business wasnt working. In our deen we are told to look at character before looks or money when thinking about marriage, and its for a good reason. Also, always remember that no marriage, no love story is perfect. You will always have to compromise, marriage is hard work. Dont have so many expectations and dont have so much takkabur (ego), Allah can take away what u are so proud of. Dont go to paki, have sex and than divorce. Try to talk to thw girl on the phone for some time and see if things change. But if u still feel unhappy, than divorce her. Because honestly she deserves better, she deserves respect and love, not someone looking down on her. Plz dont stay with her and spend ur life making her feel miserable about how ur too good for her. And u need some soul searching and somw growing uo to do, before life knocks u out and makes u grow up the hard way.

[khattichic]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

@Sa1eem

I might be wrong but what I know (from various sources), theoretical divorce is there in both Jews and Christianity, but practically divorce was so much discouraged that it was non-existent. Anyhow, later development in Christianity, recognising problems in marriages, accepted divorce. Same one can say about Jews, that divorce became acceptable is later development.

As for Hindus, again, divorce is later development … and Hindu Marriage Act you mentioned, that is recent act that got enacted after India became independent.

Other than the Catholic Church, their is nothing in the doctrine of Christianity or that of Judaism that outright prohibits divorce. What you're referring to is mixing culture with religion.

And yes, I know the Hindu Marriage Act was enacted in the 1950's, I brought that up to refute your claim that no religions other than Islam allow divorce, because that is just not true.

[Sa1eem]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

^^^ Problem is that, if he divorce her than regardless of divorce would be due to her fault or not, most would speculate and would consider fault in her and divorce due to her fault. As for being virgin, she would be considered divorcee and not virgin.

[Sa1eem]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

@khattichic

Other than the Catholic Church, their is nothing in the doctrine of Christianity or that of Judaism that outright prohibits divorce. What you're referring to is mixing culture with religion.

And yes, I know the Hindu Marriage Act was enacted in the 1950's, I brought that up to refute your claim that no religions other than Islam allow divorce, because that is just not true.

OK ... there are option of divorce in every religion and I was wrong. Happy :D

[S_and_S]

@Sa1eem

^^^ Problem is that, if he divorce her than regardless of divorce would be due to her fault or not, most would speculate and would consider fault in her and divorce due to her fault. As for being virgin, she would be considered divorcee and not virgin.

I don't think thats the problem. The problem is this guy may ruin this girls life by going along with this unhappy union. They have just had a nikkah anyways. The stigma will be there but that's no reason to stay in a marriage forcefully. I'm just wondering, op mentioned he sent this girl money and everything, it sounds like they had some kind of communication?

Anyways just wondering what happened and if Op went through with a separation?

[Sa1eem]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

^^^ No one is saying that one should stay in marriage forcefully.

Anyhow, what I feel is that, it is too early to say if marriage has any long term problem. Since Nikah has already happened, it does not matter when divorce comes, earlier or later. What harm happened, or stigma got attached, could not change. So, give marriage time and try to fit in. If nothing works out after few years, than only think of divorce.

At least if he would try to make marriage work, did all effort, and still marriage did not work, than in his conscious he would know that he tried and divorce would happen with less guilty feeling ... that I believe he has when thinking of divorce (even if that guilty feeling is in sub-conscious), as if there was none, he would not have even started this thread.

[Eliminator]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

What did you like about her when you married her, I know someone that married a simple girl from Pakistan, supported her thru language training and vocational training, she opened up a day care, then another one now makes 5 times what her husband makes, she is polished cultured smart and everything, many men envy her husband. I tell people give me good heart and attitude and I will fix everything, It is almost impossible to find someone that loves you and say marry the person who loves you and not the person you love. If you brought her over, worked on her grooming, took her to the gym invested in her education do you think things might change for you.

[uzair1]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

@Eliminator

What did you like about her when you married her, I know someone that married a simple girl from Pakistan, supported her thru language training and vocational training, she opened up a day care, then another one now makes 5 times what her husband makes, she is polished cultured smart and everything, many men envy her husband. I tell people give me good heart and attitude and I will fix everything, It is almost impossible to find someone that loves you and say marry the person who loves you and not the person you love. If you brought her over, worked on her grooming, took her to the gym invested in her education do you think things might change for you.

Can you imagine this happeneing with the genders reversed?

[S_and_S]

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[BombShellBabe]

Re: Marriage in Jeopardy, need advice!

OP, tell us the updates on your matter.