Marriage falling apart :(

[D1DatSmiles]

Re: Marriage falling apart

@kakee

Now I know your husband is not physically abusive but this mental torture is damaging and I do believe you have to either move away with your husband or just get out of the house for a few months AFTER talking to your husband telling him that you’re going because things haven’t changed etc and he will promise you that it will change but you know it won’t so set some ground rules and give him an ultimatum not something like “it’s either me or them” but rather “if you want this to work we either go to a proper marriage counselor or I leave because I can’t take it anymore its hurting me too much” I think you two should move away though

We actually lived in different cities from my in-laws for one and a half years in between. Unfortunately, it was still the same. They still came over for 3-4 months and lived with us, while ignoring me and taunting about how everything in this house is theirs and they have more rights on this house bcoz it’s their sons…like randomly blurting it out walking around the house! I don’t know if it’s just me or it’ll be annoying to any DIL?
Oh and another problem—he thinks he is NOT influenced by his parents at all and all decisions are his and whatever he says to me is coming from him. I, on the other hand, doubt it! He took me to a psychiatrist, he was willing to go to a counselor earlier but then later it became a “gora thing”. He thinks they can’t provide good counseling bcoz it’ll be un-islamic advice like “move your wife away from your parents” etc. Hence, he took me to diff imaams!

@sahr

You should have had a baby earlier..sometimes all we need is a change to get out of depression..maybe he wants a change too..wow he agreed to your opinion for not having kids for 4years and still u think he doesnt respect/love/listen to you? You mentioned he says he needs a family now..most guys are like that..after they get married they want a family..maybe hes just frustrated cause of this reason hence the yelling and indifferent behaviour?
Now Im not saying have a baby now..works things out between yourselves..pray to God that he creates love, understanding and a strong bond between u two iA

Yeah, supposedly I should’ve had the baby since it’s been 6 yrs BUT do you really think that I was gonna be able to care for one with all this mental torture? Yeah, we both need a change, but not in the form of a baby. I’m already prone to depression. I don’t want to get PPD and get depressed to the point where I’m just leaving my baby behind and running away from the house. YES, I have ran from the house before, several times, at night, sitting in a corner crying on the roads somewhere…only to find out that the cops came for me coz the hubby called 911 as I was missing.
I want babies but not at this point when everyday I’m thinking of running away from everyone, even from my own family.
I feel bad for him too, since he could’ve easily left me. I understand it’s stressful for him too, to stay up all night with me (when he has work the next day) coz I cry all night, have panic attacks sending me to the ER, run away from the house bare-foot, etc.
I didn’t say he doesn’t he doesn’t love/respect/listens to me. We do love each other. It’s just we’re not on the same track for many things in life, to top it off, we have his family to make my life even more miserable. Sometimes, He does listen to me, agrees with me, then he goes and does something opposite. At times, we do find a middle ground where we both are satisfied with the outcome, but majority of the time it’s not like that. We both want to work it out and that’s why we’re together…but we don’t know HOW

@BombShellBabe

** My piece of advice for you :)… Act like an educated girl by thinking rationally. Please don’t live your entire life in misery because these issues can really damage your personality. Don’t forget who you truly are first!!! Contact our beloved user “redvelvet” and she will help you … I can make a prediction by reading your posts that your relationship is very unhealthy at the moment. If he wants to make it work with you then taking a critical action has become an important necessity… Move out… Your his wife, therefore, you deserve respect regardless of the initial history how you two got married. I am sorry girl but your husband needs to talk to his family and raise an awareness that your their daughter-in-law. Your relation with your husband is going down the drainage. Don’t just go with the flow in particular because you will keep on hurting yourself. I have witnessed a similar situation in life so I am trying to give you heads up. Your husband needs to act like an adult!!!**

     He can't just move from here. He has to find a job in his field to be able to move. The thing is, when they do something in front of him (which they rarely do, coz they do/say everything to me behind his back), he tells them it's wrong.....and the drama-baaz that she is, she changes her words and says that's not what she meant and she doesn't mean anything wrong blah blah blah. 

@flawedsoul

Having babies isn’t going to help in this situation. The reason OP is depressed because she hasn’t been able to fulfill her dreams and life goals. You said you wanted to be a doctor, and you had a great GPA too. You SHOULD be doing more with your life, and nobody should be stopping you from it. The way I see it, if your husband really cares for your happiness, then he should let you do what makes you happy - in this case further study. Your depression won’t go away unless you are doing what makes you happy and gives you a purpose, and you don’t have that right now. And from your posts, it seems further education and career are really important to you…and that’ll make you happy and be fulfilling. So you really need to speak to your husband and do that…for your own sake.
And your husband’s problem is that he’s very easily influenced by his mom. You need to talk to him point blank and tell him that you and him need to make your own decisions WITHOUT the influence of the parents. Or else you won’t be happy, and you won’t be able to keep him happy…and then it’s just a vicious cycle. I really think you should reach out to your dream of becoming a doctor…

You’re right! I really feel unaccomplished in life. I mean, I feel that me doing something with my life is gonna take that empty feeling away from inside of me, not having a baby. A baby is important, no doubt, but not when you haven’t accomplished what you wanted to accomplish before babies. He did let me study the first 1 1/2 years. Then he had to buy a house for his parents so I stopped at bachelor’s. Now, I know med school is kinda not possible now bcoz of my age and that I DO want a family (when I’m feeling better) so I asked him to let me do something else in med field, like Physician assistant or something…he agreed, told me we’ll save money, saved the money…and voila, his brother, who works, asked for a car and he melted and used the money for down payment!
That was up until last year. After that, he just keeps telling me to have a baby, and I can go back to school after that. But, having no family support from his side or mine, I don’t think I can go to school after babies. Also, due to the fact, that our thinking differs, he doesn’t wanna put babies in day care or play school EVER. And, when I ask “how am I gonna study after a baby when there’s no family support (coz his parents don’t even want me going out the house, let alone studying or getting a job!!), and you don’t want to put kids in daycare”…his reply? “Allah will take care of everything”. Yeah, Allah is the best of planners but really, knowing that I don’t have any options, can I trust his reply? I don’t know