Marriage falling apart :(

[D1DatSmiles]

Re: Marriage falling apart

@Paheli00

^ Actions speak louder than words. Yes, your husband says he wants to make it work…but he refuses to go into counselling to get help. He physically breaks things and bangs his head against the wall (ie. threatens to hurt himself in order to guilt you into staying). He refuses to let you attend school even though he knows its extremely important to you (and he told you before marriage that he’d ok ok with it!). And he’s trying to force you to wear burqa knowing you have no interest in it (you’re happy with wearing hijab).

And you sound like you have low self-esteem with no emotional support from anyone (since no one in real life knows about all these SERIOUS problems you’re having). And because he threatens to hurt himself when you try to leave…you really feel like you’re stuck.

You must realize and accept that he will NOT change. If he’s becoming more “Pakistani” as you put it due to his parents influence…and you two disagree on things like whether or not you should wear burqa or if marriage counselling is a “gora thing”…these not change. I think you really need to talk to someone you trust and can rely on for support.

In addition, since you’re having panic attacks that’re sending you to the ER…then YOU need to go into conselling by yourself. Don’t ask him for permission (b/c you know he’s going to prevent you from doing a “gora thing”). Just make the appointment and start getting the professional help YOU need. Don’t hold off on getting help for YOURSELF just b/c he’s refusing to get help for himself and for the marriage.

If you’re absolutely stuck on not getting a divorce…then unfortunately your life will continue like this UNLESS your husband is also willing to make some changes in his behavior. Like I said earlier…it takes BOTH people to make a marriage happy. Yes, your husband says that he wants the marraige to be happy…but his actions say something very different.

You’re right, I do have low self esteem, but I really do love him. I can’t hurt him ever. He never threatens to hurt himself, he has a big ego. It’s just that he does that in disappointment, I donno how to explain, like, he says things like “why did I ever get into this”, etc. He’s never forced me to wear burqa, and at times even told his parents to not force me, but sometimes he just says that “if my parents are saying this, it’s not a bad thing, you should consider it, but upto you”. Actually, he’s never agreed to go into real counseling coz it’s a “gora thing” but we did few times go to few diff Imaams at diff masjids coz he believes in that. And obviously, the imaams said there’s nothing wrong with them suggesting to wear a burqa, nothing wrong with not going to med school, staying at home and taking care of kids is more sawaab, being patient is more sawaab and you’ll get the ajar sooner or later, etc etc. The imaam gave us a wazifa to read everyday, and honestly I kinda slacked on it and he’s the one who reads it every single day morning and evening…not saying that it’s working or not, just that he tries.
And about his behavior—his behavior was never bad towards me. He’s very loving and caring otherwise. It’s just when we have disagreements and it ends up in a fight, he starts yelling. He never used to yell either, just leave the house for a couple of hours or go to the masjid and come back with a normal attitude, but in the past year it’s progressed to yelling and breaking of things. Sometimes I think it’s coz in the past year his parents moved like two houses down from our house, he’s there every single day or they’re over everyday…before he used to see them every two weeks/a month or so. Until last year he was ok with me getting a master’s (not med school) and this year, it has changed to “take care of kids and study later”. He’s the only son that lives close to his parents, they depend on him only, all his other siblings are in diff states and of course don’t have any more relation with me except “salams”. Even when his parents come over or I go there, I just sit in a corner reading something or in the kitchen cooking something. I don’t exist to them, still after 6 yrs! He sees nothing wrong with that and tells me to mind my own business. I mean how can I mind my own business when they’re in my house or I’m cooking a feast for them every single day, only to hear their indirect taunts towards me, serve them, and clean the dishes with no help whatsoever!
If we get invited to a dawat where my in-laws are not invited, we still have to take them with us, no matter what! If they get invited somewhere and are TOLD to bring your son and bahu, we’re either not told by my in-laws or it’s either said to the hosts that “my bahu didn’t feel like coming”. And my dear husband thinks, they’re “elders” so no matter what they do, we should not mind it.
I go thru his family drama every single day if not every single hour! And on top of that, I have no help in the house with laundry, cooking, etc, and all the mess that my husband makes coz during the last year his reply has changed to “a wife is supposed to do all that”.