Marriage falling apart :(

D1DatSmiles · August 22, 2012, 10:01pm

Re: Marriage falling apart

hi smiles hope u r doing ok. i can understand why u feel that u cant live with out ur husband. could it be that he is familiar to you and the unknown scares you?
u shd take some time off for yourself. tell ur husband that since ur mum is ill u need to take care of her. as u knw in islam no1 has as much rights on us as our mums so he dsnt have any grounds to refuse. wen u r with ur mum then try to not talk to your husband over the phone for hrs. take a break from him and his family. take some time off think abt ur life. can u realistically do everything which women with a lot of support from family and husbands find very very difficult to juggle? babies r all consuming. do u knw the extent of ur pcos? being of good weight and eating healthy can significally improve ur fertility. and in the grand scheme of things a few mnths wnt make a whole lot of difference. also if u dnt have friends talking on the internet can give u a good sounding board

I guess, yes, the unknown does scare me, but I also love him since 10 yrs so at this point, I don’t know why I can’t let go. It it because my love for him is too strong or is it because of the fear of the unknown, I don’t know
Like I said before, I can’t go to my mom’s. My parents are divorced and she lives with a friend of hers as roommates. She has problems of her own and I don’t want to add to the stress. I did take a 3 month break like I mentioned in one of my previous posts.
I’m not that much over-weight, may be like 5-10 pounds. I’m not Insulin Resistant either, but still being monitored for it. It’s just I have too many cysts and my LH:FSH are out of whack!

On another topic

Have a baby, wait a few years until baby is old enough for daycare/preschool etc (4 years?), start working towards your career. Your husband seems to be doing a lot for you, for his family and what he’s asking in return isn’t wildly inappropriate or crazy - 6 years is a long wait. I agree with the post Iconoclast made earlier, his wishes should be taken into consideration. If you don’t want to wait…schools and higher education programs offer loads of assistance to young mothers (nursery, daycare etc). I don’t know why I’m reading so many responses of how impossible it is for a young mother to achieve these things…it’s difficult, definitely…and you’ll miss a lot of precious moments with your baby…but that’s a small sacrifice in the long run of things for yourself and for your family.Take a few deep breaths and map out plans for yourself - different routes you can take to achieve the same goals. Lay them out in front of your husband and talk about it, whichever suits both of you best…go for it. Have faith in Allah, have faith in your own abilities, and nothing is impossible.

My husband doesn’t want any daycare or anything like that. I don’t have family support from my family or his either. I don’t mind waiting if there was a plan laid out and I know for sure that I’ll be able to follow it and my husband won’t disapprove. It’s just that if I do have a baby, I don’t want to regret later with too many “what ifs”. I’m doing Istekhara since 4 nights, let’s see!

Well, may be you didn’t read all my posts or can’t understand what it is to be in my shoes.

What Camera?

unstable adn dysfunctional ? .. she doesnt even live wiht her in laws .. women live in in laws tiwh three families living all toegther .. n she has depression .. everything looks donw to her looks like a huge problem .. her husband is just her puppy in her hand and she just keeps crying that oh im depressed cuz your fmailiy did this u did this .. he loves her teh way they speak .. she just making excuses .. why did she marry him and waste 6 years of married life if she doesnt want to have a family ? .. if she wanted to start a career adn make her life so to speak and bla bla and all that other jazz then she should have done that like 8 years ago .. thats not fair tot he husband .. every couple has problems.. what she is decribdd is like nothing .. she just wants everything her way ..

You’re right, I don’t live with my in-laws YET. They might decide to move in any day even though they live two doors down. Them not living with me gives me so much to deal with, think about when they do move in with me! I never said my husband doesn’t love me. I always said we both love each other so much, hence, didn’t think about divorce as an option. I “wasted” 6 years of married life BECAUSE my husband had promised me to let me finish my studies first and THEN start a family. I’ve been waiting for him to let me START, let alone FINISH! I don’t want everything my way. That’s why in my earlier posts I said since me and my husband are so different but I want a MIDDLE GROUND for both of us. If he promised me he’d let me finish MED SCHOOL before we have kids, he should’ve fulfilled his promise. Now, that it’s not possible, I’m just settling for master’s. Why? Because he needs more money for his family!
He’s not a puppy in my hand at all. If he was, I was probably gonna be in medical residency right now!! Yeah, every couple has different types of problems and likewise, everyone has different opinions on what is a “big problem” and what is a “small problem”.

Import a husband from Pakistan?

Women who have children can further their education and/or have a career ONLY when they have some type of help. If you go back and read what OP wrote carefully…you’ll realize that according to OP…she will have 0 help. Her own family isn’t there to help her. Her in-laws will not help her. And she specifically stated that her husband is against daycare. Also, more than once she wrote that once marriage took place, her husband told her she could not work b/c her in-laws are completely against the idea of her working. Even though he told her otherwise before marriage. The issue here isn’t whether or not a woman can be a mother and also have a career. The issue is that her in-laws and her husband have made it clear to her in the past 6 years that they don’t want her to further her education and/or study. Her husband wants her to have a baby but is against daycare. So REALISTICALLY, given OPs specific situation, the odds her being able to study/work if she has a baby are very slim to none (personally, I vote for none).

That’s right I have 0 help from all sides. Hubby isn’t against education, he’s just against the time. He just wants to have a family FIRST. But, I don’t know what I should do because his decisions change because of his parents. He wasn’t against me working UNTIL his parents filled his ears. So, I don’t know if he’ll change his mind or what.
But, as of last night, he said he’s ok with me working and going to school, if I try for babies before the end of this year. I don’t know, I still haven’t had an open discussion with him, due to the fear of a full blown argument. I’m doing istekhara since 4 nights, so let’s see.