Have you ever or do you know of a desi couple that have taken advantage of marriage counseling?
Did both of them agree to see a therapist or did one of them need to be convinced?
How was their experience of the process?
Did it benefit their relationship?
There are so many taboos associated with counseling in our community and I would love to better understand why these exist and then, perhaps, have some examples showing the benefits that can be realized through the process…
Re: Marriage Counseling
I am not sure about the taboos, but definitely lots of egos. Our people refuse to admit that they need help.
Having said that, I have seen local imams acting as counselor. As much as their intentions are respectable, if one or both parties are not religious minded, there is not much imam can do. If I dont follow religion, Ayaats of Quran and Ahadees are not going to work for me. That is why, I know of at least 2 couples where counseling by religious scholar did not work and divorce happened at the end.
Re: Marriage Counseling
The baaast marriage counselor is the guy's mother (MIL).
Re: Marriage Counseling
I have seen it help and also seen it lead to the D word. Every case is different.
Re: Marriage Counseling
Thanks TLK.
You've brought up a very good option but as you have also said, this may or may not work depending on how inclined the individuals are to take suggestion from a faith-based background.
The other concern that I would have is how qualified the imam might be in mediation. While my expectation is that imams should play the role of mediator in all community matters including family counseling, I don't see them being trained adequately in the methods.
Re: Marriage Counseling
Imams are unbiased, plus they know the religious rights and responsibilities of both husband and wife, plus they know of our culture (that a non-desi marriage counselor may not be aware of), plus they have good influence in community which gives them extra leverage if other parties are also involved in that family feud.
Re: Marriage Counseling
First the couple must be willing to make things work.
Then they must be on the same page to accept counsel.
Then should be able to find a qualified mediator/counselor who can help without a bias.
Re: Marriage Counseling
Imams are unbiased, plus they know the religious rights and responsibilities of both husband and wife, plus they know of our culture (that a non-desi marriage counselor may not be aware of), plus they have good influence in community which gives them extra leverage if other parties are also involved in that family feud.
I disagree somewhat, only enlightened Imams are unbiased. I've come across a lot of Imams with pretty backward views about women so in that case I don't think they'll be unbiased towards a woman.
Re: Marriage Counseling
I disagree somewhat, only enlightened Imams are unbiased. I've come across a lot of Imams with pretty backward views about women so in that case I don't think they'll be unbiased towards a woman.
well said and I agree.
Re: Marriage Counseling
I know of a girl who is a marriage counsellor (PHD Psychology), she is South Asian and offers counselling to South Asian couples. She lives in the Toronto area. Perhaps few and far between but there are South Asian counsellors out there that know the culture and are appropriately trained and unbiased. I know a while ago she attended a seminar to advertise the services of her clinic and spread the word about this. She said that a lot of couple are not keen to get counselling and many only use as a last resort at which point it's harder to help the couple / marriage.
Re: Marriage Counseling
First step towards solving any problem (including marriage problems) is to accept that problem exists and most of the desis dont even get over this stage. We love to live in denial
Once I suggested to a (Desi) family to take their 3 years old kid to for checkup as kid was showing autism signs. I knew about the signs etc because one of my own nephew is autistic. I was taken care off right there. Achi khasee bateen suna deen unhoon nai "kia pagal samjhtey ho hamarey bachey ko". Sadly, kid has been diagnosed with severe autism couple of years later.
Re: Marriage Counseling
I think in counseling, both parties should put egos aside and we know with most desis ego is the oxygen. I think couples must open themselves to see their mistake instead of saying "main to yeh nahi kerta, main to yeh nahi kerti" and give importance to just acknowledging that there might be trouble in paradise and we might need to talk about our feelings (which aren't bakwas and hyped up gora thinking) and try to fix it instead of repressing our anger and ending up resenting the other half.
Re: Marriage Counseling
I've seen quite a few couples visit our Imam for marital and family counselling.
a friend of mine was having trouble with her marriage and I suggested to her to seek counselling. . Her husband didnt want to.
i find it sad that he wasnt willing to open up and work on the relationship.
Re: Marriage Counseling
yes we have been ... together once...
me alone couple of times....
and yes, it helped Me ....
i would say its not only the counselling, actually talking to different people about my random issues helped me a lot .....but counseller was the first outsider or my first step in that regard....
Re: Marriage Counseling
most marriage counsellors themselves hav gone thru divorce 
Re: Marriage Counseling
Muzna, Counselling is great and all… but some a*s whopping (for him) combined with therapy might better. 
Now, I am sure you could do it all on your own. But if you need an extra hand..
Both parties must be ready to work on the marriage. There is a saying ...you can be married or you can be right. Marriage is a compromise....we have heard this statement a million times....but is so true, So many couples go into a marriage thinking I will change or fix the other person. There is so such thing.
Re: Marriage Counseling
If one party isn't willing to go to counselling then what is the other supposed to do.
Re: Marriage Counseling
Imams are not always enlightened as someone already stated.
Re: Marriage Counseling
@Niksik – absolutely true on all three counts…I just find that too many couples have one person that decides counseling isn’t going to help them for one reason or another
@Shak09 – have to agree with your observation as well. I’ve come across only a select few imams that are able to present our deen in a light that is not biased towards any one gender. And as I mentioned earlier…I don’t know if formal training to become an imam includes mediation or counseling education.
@Decent_6Chora – yes…we do live in denial. But this is confusing to me…what it is about a person that prevents them from improving their life? Why is “bearable” okay when it could be better?
@Afshi – that’s good to know Afshi. I’m glad that some folks are taking advantage of the resources available to them through the Islamic center. Btw…do you know if those couples that went to the imam were of Pakistani background?
And your friend…how did they sort out their problems if the husband refused to seek counsel?
@yourfriend – thanks for sharing…I was becoming a bit disheartened that there was absolutely nobody here on GS that had the experience. Do you mind telling us what you found was helpful in the counseling?
@Mabrook – how can you know that most marriage counselors have themselves been through a divorce? And why would this make any impact on someone’s decision to seek their help?
@Twinklestar – “you can be married or you can be right” ← I love this!
@Sara516 – very good question Sara…perhaps some where along the way in this thread we might find the answer.
@Reha – do you know of a particular example where an Imam was not helpful?