Marriage block | mom issues.

Lifestyle Relationships
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This is a new thread jumping off the family or love thread…

I am in a very stressful situation.. my mother does not want me to marry the woman i truly love.. with reasons kind of known/yet unknown. I have tried to console those reason but to no avail and I have tried for some time now. I agree with the following statements..

**3. Its a man’s job to fight for the girl’s honor and make his family unite on his decision. He has to step up to convince her parents as well. Its a no brainier, no wonder every family rejects the boys because he can’t even catch a nerve to talk the girl’s parents.

my statement: I have discussed this with my family numerous times.. heck even the rest of my family has.. including my sister..but mom wont budge.. dad is in a bind told me he cant go against his wife and yet he cant go against me either being i am his son …go figure. Her side was ok with it as long as my mom agreed so I am stuck in a rock and a hard place. Yes I have prayed alot and i still do…maybe i need to pray more?..
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4. Family is family and the person I love becomes a part of my family. This is what families do and if they can’t accept it, you’ll just have to make them accept it.

I agree with this too.. if we were to go get married i am 100% sure she would be accepted no matter what.. because this has been the case with other family members.. actually alot of my family members have love marriages and are so happy .. but guess my mom does not want me to have the same…

also i read in this post that paradise lies with you mom.. i agree with this yet I disagree because if she is not accepting a muslim desi girl that I want to marry where is the good in that? I am sure in our religion it does not say don’t marry the muslim girl you want cause you mom says so. It is ultimately my decision on who I want to marry and if I truly love her and have told and showed my parents … then what is wrong with it? and who knows if moms choice will be right…what if I despise the girl and get a divorce from her like with in a week.. and yes that stuff happens i have seen it. Don’t know why parents dont get it.

I don’t really bank on the idea of an arrange marriage if I have something really good in front of me. What is the point of getting an arranged marriage if I am not going to be happy? I mean is the wedding for me or for my family to have something to talk about…

frankly I just want to go get married have other members in my family that will support me come and be my witnesses and start my life. But not everyone agrees with that too. Some of my family members have told me to do that and that is the only way..

people think it’s tough living in the ghetto try living as a desi.:ym:

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

^ i hope u get more help here Thadesi...

and hope whatever decision u come to, it is the best for you, ur future and ur family...:)

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

InshAllah everything will work out..Allah only knows how much I want to be with her.

Timepass - October 2012
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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

What reasons does your mother present for not liking the girl? Are they hocus pocus or any valid reasons? Try to introduce them somehow, or make her see the qualities in her that she would like.

Timepass - October 2012
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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

i have seen so many cases of such sort. it is your life and you should b the first to decide who can b your life partner. if you are not happy then your whole life these regrets won't leave u. you will never b satisfied. on the other hand, your mother has fostered many dreams of seeing u married, might had a dream of her future-to-be-bride. after all, it is mothers who sacrifice a lot about their sons and they want their unfulfilled desires to b accomplished by their sons.
but at the end IT IS UR LIFE and the relation which has such background might not prove healthy for both the partners. it sounds easy to sacrifice but what if ur mother's choice does not fill up the gap of ur choice. think of the life after that.
make ur mother agree to you by psychologically building up the gap. ask her about her expectations and there is always a way to such solutions. make her agree and then get married.if the reasons are solid ones and hold weight then do listen to her. think by being neutral just like an ouotsider and if ur find ur mother's objection right then give it a 2nd thought. but try to have ur mother with u. at times, later such marriages prove successful as i have seen cases where the same hated object bcumz the loved one but after a long period of struggle.

Timepass - October 2012
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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

You seem like a good guy....one that is trying to please both people. You are in a very tough situation because in the end you may not be able to please both and will have to make a decision sooner or later.

I would not take any drastic measures until your mom gives you her blessings and accepts the girl you are in love with. Give it some time and some patience.....inshAllah soon your mom will come around.

Have you asked your mom why she does not approve of her? what did she say? If your moms reasons for not accepting her are absurd then perhaps you should put your foot down and tell her that you will marry her regardless of how she feels but would prefer to do so with her blessing. If her reasons are justified then maybe you should think about it long and hard....because moms typically want the best for their kids.

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

Aye Caramba! :smack:

Tell mama not to create drama. Just have a talk with her (mom), and make her (mom) understand your point of view while stressing how important her input is. I’m hopeful she will come around to throwing her weight behind your choice.

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I would not take any drastic measures until your mom gives you her blessings and accepts the girl you are in love with. Give it some time and some patience.....inshAllah soon your mom will come around.

^ i agree with the above, but do share with us what hers reasons behind the "nahi nahi"

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What concerns does your mom have about the girl you love? Does your mom only have concerns with this particular girl.....or would she have concerns about many/all girls?

I know that moms want what is best for their children....but believe it or not....some moms cannot let go of their sons. Some moms.....even after having chosen the girl/blushing bride herself.....will complain incessantly about her. Because they think that nobody is perfect enough for their son.

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*** (I know that not all moms are like this.)**

You **said that ,"my mother does not want me to marry the woman i truly love.. with reasons kind of known/yet unknown."

OKAY......SO THAT MEANS YOU ARE STILL UNCLEAR ABOUT MOM'S REASONS. WHY? Is it because mom is not being FULLY OPEN with you? Does your MOM HERSELF even know ALL the reasons she's rejecting the girl? OR is your mom just looking for reasons? IT SEEMS YOU DON'T HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION AND YOUR MOM NEEDS TO BE THROUGH AND CLEAR WITH YOU. SO, the FIRST thing would be to talk to your mom and find out ALL her reservations about the girl.........and take them into consideration if they are valid and then debate her concerns in a civil manner since you know the girl better.

BUT SERIOUSLY......i think it's odd that the MAJORITY of your family has no problem with the girl (NOT EVEN YOUR DAD).......and that their only concern about the girl is that your mom doesn't agree.......and THEY will agree ONLY if MOM gives the GREEN SIGNAL. I mean, I could understand if majority of the family had issues with this girl, but based on your post, that doesn't seem to be the case. Sit down and talk to your mom.

Perhaps your mom needs to INTERACT more often with this girl. I mean maybe ur mom feels like the girl is a stranger and an unknown. She could become more comfortable if they get to know each other more. Is it possible for you to arrange a situation that would allow your mom and the girl to spend some time together.....Family dinner, perhaps?

Have you shared with your mom ALL the reasons why you think this girl will not only make a GOOD WIFE.....but also a GREAT ADDITION to YOUR FAMILY? That might help. Seriously, what wonderful qualities does this girl have that would make her a GREAT WIFE/DAUGHTER/SISTER-IN-LAW?

Talk to your dad....instead of basing it SOLELY on your mom's decision....MAYBE your DAD can try to convince your mom to consider this girl. Have you tried that? How about a Khala? How about a mamoo? A nana/nani? Is there ANOTHER adult that can intervene and try to convince your mom to AGREE? It just seems so strange that EVERYONE is waiting for your mom....WOW, she has some power!

And finally.......are you 100% sure that you want to spend your life with this girl? Are you absolutely sure that she is THE ONE for you? That you cannot marry anyone except her? IF you are that sure....then keep persisting. Hopefully, your mom will eventually cave in when she sees you are sooo serious and will not agree to marrying anyone else either.

Pray Istikhara. Sometimes the things we desire are not actually good for us. Other times they're great for us. Ask Allah for guidance. Don't give up on praying. I know guys and girls who have successful love marriages. With persistence, they were eventually able to win their families over.

Best wishes!

**

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This is great advice.. you know when I asked my mom the big question why she gives the response "bas nehi" "never" all that jazz. I will have to talk to my dad about this too even though I have but it seems like he is in a rock and a hard place too. Maybe he is not trying hard enough for me. I will see how this goes and keep you posted... I really feel this is a case of I should do what I need to do as long as the girls side supports and understands me as well and my mom will eventually get over it. I have been avoiding taking drastic measures for years no.. not months.. so it's kind of like what is there left to do? She has met my mom on 2 or 3 times talk to her on the phone and in person but my mom reacts like she does not really care. As far as marriage..someone i know was getting married and my sister told me that my mom said that she would have gotten me married to that girl but that girls father has issues... i mean form that point of thinking it seems like she is judging everyone for no reason...what do I have to do with someone elses father.. i am not going to live with him.. and the other thing is that this girl... is really was not good 4 me..i know all about her antics.

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

go ahead and marry the girl of your dreams my brother done it even though he was already married to my mums neice and he divorced her my mum was angry with him for few months but then she accepted it and forgave him. Beleive me your mum will forgive you she can not stay angry with you for the rest of her life good luck.

Timepass - November 2012
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Teggy giving advices in life 1 faints

Thapaki, why your mother is against her, what are the things that concern her? Have you addressed them? Anyway, like everyone said keep talking and hopefully one day she will acept.

All the best too you.

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There there nowww Lusi. :stuck_out_tongue:

:hehe:

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

Ask navaidishere. He seemed pretty passionate on this issue from a man's point-of-view.

But I can imagine how the girl must feel - it's not a nice feeling if the guy's mom is so indifferent and cold towards you. But listen, are you the only son? If so, that might explain your mother's behaviour.

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

I disagree with the people that are saying "what for you're mom's blessing."

You OBVIOUSLY love this girl and if there is nothing seriously wrong with her that would justify your mother's unacceptance of her...than it is simply UNFAIR of your mother to get in the way of your happiness.

I seriously feel for your girlfriend. I would be SO upset if I was in her situation. It breaks my heart to read stuff like this.

If your gut tells you she is truly the one for you, just marry her. You're mother will eventually have to accept your choice.

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

I so badly want to know a mom's perspective on this. Is it an old school thing or a cultural thing or just something personal. There are so many many examples of this case but unfortunately the mother's reasons are never revealed. Most times, the mothers are only declining the girls because they would like to choose their own bahus themselves.

And I strongly belive (seeing many examples) girls chosen by the sons themselves treat their in laws much better than what the mother chooses. Just my own opinion.

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mums get this issue all the time, they seem to be afraid of loosing son if they didnt choose the girl. same thing happened to me, i myself miss judged the situation and made the wrong decision of my life, though parents think best for us, but sometime their choice is not good for the childern.

in this process I lost the person who loved me more than i did as i assume my loved failed to match hers. budged to parents demands and gone for arranged one, took 2 years to accept and things to normalise with wife but still life lacks the spark that I had with my choice.

so i suggest, go with your love, mum dad will agree if they see you stand firm on this issue. dont let the love of your life go!!

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

Ma's rooster blocking.

Dresses for u ladies
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In my opinion the main reason moms act like that is due to jealousy which stems from** insecurity*. Mom wants to be the *# 1 woman** in her son's life...after all she brought him into the world, raised him, took care of his needs, sacrificed so much, etc, etc. SHE was the CENTER of his world all those years. The thought of being "replaced" makes mommy upset. The idea of her son paying attention to*,* spending time with*,* taking care of*,* complimenting*,* buying presents for ANOTHER woman that is not MOMMY HERSELF, is difficult to handle for some moms. The fear that this other woman might shove HER out of her son's heart and monopolize it isunbearable for some mothers. They are scared that they might lose their IMPORTANT POSITION in their son's eyes/life and that their sons MIGHT LEAVE THEM/NOT REMEMBER THEM....so to keep that position and importance....they behave in ridiculous and hurtful ways. The once, nice, sweet, MOMMY becomes the dreaded MONSTER-IN-LAW! It would be nice if mom could understand that a wife and a mother can't be compared as they are 2 different relationships......and one can't replace the other.

Another reason is not being able to let go. Mom might see her son as still being her little boy, who can't be trusted to make his own independent decisions. Also, some mommies feel that their son is the best thing that ever happened to this world and that NO girl is ever gonna be PERFECT enough for him. So she becomes unreasonably picky.

**** Yes, I'm aware that NOT ALL moms are like that. AND yes, I'm aware that sometimes parents of girls can be just as unreasonably picky too. I've heard several toxic mother-in-law stories and have seen even the best of mommies become insecure when a girl is around their son. It's kind of fascinating to analyze:)

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Re: Marriage block | mom issues.

there is no set/definite solution to such problems. the best you can do is either 1) marry the girl and let you parents know tis ur life, your choice...they can either bless the union or let you go...2) let the girl go and get married to the one you mom selects for you....3) talk to your parents...but make sure ur whole immediate family is there....bit of extra pressure will surely make your mom talk...if others in the family are on our back...if she can't give a clear logical reason for going against your choice then you marry the girl you like and let everyone know its not you but your mom who is responsible for the mess and broken hearts. kabhi kabhi hulkay jhatkay hi cheezon ko unki jagah pe la saktay hain.

Sing a song for above person