hope hubby dear dont read this....warna kamkah saar char jahain ga :P
well my story is so typical....my family knew his family but i never actually met him in person until after my parents approved his proposal (ofcourse with my consent)......
on the day of my engagment.....i cried like hell....even though i approved it but i was like no this cant be it......i cried and cried until my mom was like k if u dont want it we'll jst cancel it than i had to think abt it.....i was like i dont like anyone....i am going to marry someone at some poinlt in life and i was like WHY THE HELL i am crying? o_O ma cousins do tease me now for crying so much
we did talk and we out before marriage. Infact we went out to buy our wedding dresses. it was a bold step we both took as no one in his family or my family ever went out wid hubby-2-b/wife-2-be for their own shopping (yeh we got conservative family .....but i dont mind)
I never believed in love as such and specially love before marriage is totally lame....i always thought saving your feelings n ur love for that special person, who will come in ur life as ur husband & for which u'll b sure that u r not gona loze him, is a wise decision..... i would rather love a person who i am married to than love a person who i am not even sure if i'll ever get married to and feel guilty or scared that i am commiting any sort of sins than.....
Even after our marriage, i didnt feel "THE LOVE" from my side....i was little scared of all the "what ifs"......
'wat if i never fall in love with this person', what if things dont change for me?' .....but things did change in about few weeks and i felt i am in deeply love with him in about 3 weeks time....
family and frds thought it was a love marriage rather than arranged....infact my own bro in law still things that we both went through all this and used proper channel taakeh kesi ko kabar na ho aur koi zalam samaj humain alag na kar day :P lolssss......my husband always reply to such comments by saying "aarrry ap ko kis ne bata deya humara etna bara secret" and than he carry on by telling them how we ment in high school and blah blah blah (which is so not true)
married for 5 months now and alhumdolilah we both r loving it
ps: on a side note he do sometimes make me wonder ke is he the same person i fell in love with eeeeerrrrr.....but thats only when we fight :P and most of the time he is a sweetheat
Allah nazar na lagahe as janab ko nazar bohat jaldil lag jati hai....abi tareef karo aur abi humara WWIII start :s
well, i have seen even love marriages going wrong too.... one is just darn lucky if they get a gr8 life partner... but the paki, desi mentality that men have is, she is not my equal and shud blindly listen to whatever i say. its everywhere and not just in my marriage. pakistani men can be the worst hubby's if you compare with our western counterparts. i myself have seen men changin their colors after love marriage. so its somethin we, women, can do nothin abt except fret and cry.. but men wudnt change. i m not sayin all marriages are like that but majority are.
i think ur really wrong to generalise that most marriages are like this..
Truelly they are not. Sure every marriages has its hiccups, but by certianly no means does it implt that the two people dont love one another.
and i so dont agree that our paki men in comparison to western men are bad husbands.. i dont knwo who u've been talknig to or been hanging around.
I know several couples, and not once have i heard someone say such a thing about their man. Everyone has their downfalls, but u cannot generalise.
there are very happily married couples here on GS.. learn from them and change ur generalisation
well, i have seen even love marriages going wrong too.... one is just darn lucky if they get a gr8 life partner... but the paki, desi mentality that men have is, she is not my equal and shud blindly listen to whatever i say. its everywhere and not just in my marriage. pakistani men can be the worst hubby's if you compare with our western counterparts. i myself have seen men changin their colors after love marriage. so its somethin we, women, can do nothin abt except fret and cry.. but men wudnt change. i m not sayin all marriages are like that but majority are.
After this and a few of your other posts, I'd be sympathetic towards you but given how you paint marriage as such a trap that even a terrible marriage is better than being single and women who divorce are "bad" in your books and you still want to bring a child into an abusive marriage, well, nothign will change your weird thinking or gross generalizations will it?
well, i have seen even love marriages going wrong too.... one is just darn lucky if they get a gr8 life partner... but the paki, desi mentality that men have is, she is not my equal and shud blindly listen to whatever i say. its everywhere and not just in my marriage. pakistani men can be the worst hubby's if you compare with our western counterparts. i myself have seen men changin their colors after love marriage. so its somethin we, women, can do nothin abt except fret and cry.. but men wudnt change. i m not sayin all marriages are like that but majority are.
I dont think Paki men are the worst husbands...in fact I think they make great husband...I want a Pakistani guy. They may not be the most polished all the time depending on how social they were but they make pretty good husbands.
My sister has a 21 mnth old baby and during her pregnancy, she didnt lift a finger. She wouldnt even tie her own shoes...her husband did it! He took care of her, baby, himself and the house when she got back from the hospital with the baby. We helped all the time but he took care of majority of it. No, he is not the joru ka ghulam type of guy, believe me. No, he isnt rich. He just makes sure she is happy and has nothing to worry about at all times. My brother in law and I dont see eye to eye on SO many topics but I respect him because my sister is very well taken care of Mashallah and thats all I can ask for.
My best friend's husband is SO sweet, he pushes her to hang out with us and volunteers to take care of the kids all the time. I was going through some rough patches and he took the kids out so my best friend and I could talk...he does this so often its ridiculous. He is all about my best friend...you can tell from a mile away he adores her. Mashallah.
Pakistani guys are just like any other race of man...good and bad. You cannot say they are all good or they are all primarily bad.
After this and a few of your other posts, I'd be sympathetic towards you but given how you paint marriage as such a trap that even a terrible marriage is better than being single and women who divorce are "bad" in your books and you still want to bring a child into an abusive marriage, well, nothign will change your weird thinking or gross generalizations will it?
excuse me... i have never even tried to imply women who get div are bad!! how can you draw conclusions like that! i just said maybe my mentality is a bit too "desi" and "conservative" for your taste cus i m feel a bit stuck in a marriage i m havin a really hard time holding on to... but in no way dus it give u the rite to make personal attacks and say nothin will change my gross generalization or whatever. i was just sharing my opinion. u dun need to agree with me u know. i wish u wudve used a much mature and diplomatic tone than the one u used now.
love or arranged...both work by applying the same rules!
i never met my husband before the haan (as grown ups).....i knew him as a kid....my dad and his dad are childhood friends...before the rishta pakka...we got to talk on the phone..and just clicked :) so yes chemistry is one of the biggest building block in a marriage.
awww cute :D i saw the pics and i was like omg that's them as kids!
excuse me... i have never even tried to imply women who get div are bad!! how can you draw conclusions like that! i just said maybe my mentality is a bit too "desi" and "conservative" for your taste cus i m feel a bit stuck in a marriage i m havin a really hard time holding on to... but in no way dus it give u the rite to make personal attacks and say nothin will change my gross generalization or whatever. i was just sharing my opinion. u dun need to agree with me u know. i wish u wudve used a much mature and diplomatic tone than the one u used now.
your ideas about marriage and spouses and men are completely wrong and i wont apologize for saying that. its not about being too "conservative" or too "desi", but you consider yourself better than someone who gets a divorce because you're keeping yourself in a bad situation that will only get worse.
I'm sorry you have to go through whatever you have gone through and whatever experiences you have had that made you come to your conclusions about men and marriage, but you have to realize that it is simply upto each individual how they work in the marriage and how they were raisd rather than their ethnicity or even tehir gender.
your ideas about marriage and spouses and men are completely wrong and i wont apologize for saying that. its not about being too "conservative" or too "desi", but you consider yourself better than someone who gets a divorce because you're keeping yourself in a bad situation that will only get worse.
I'm sorry you have to go through whatever you have gone through and whatever experiences you have had that made you come to your conclusions about men and marriage, but you have to realize that it is simply upto each individual how they work in the marriage and how they were raisd rather than their ethnicity or even tehir gender.
again... u are makin absolutely wrong assumptions! when on earth did i consider myself better than other women who seeks div? i never said or implied that so its not my fault u reached the conclusion! i m not the only one whos sacrificin in marriage, there are many women out there who are sacrificing each day.... i m not tryin to paint a -ve image of marriage but just tellin you what is happening in pakistan. pls dun put words in my mouth.
this is the first time on GS that i have had to deal with comments as harsh and baseless as urs.... it ALWAYS help if one is assertive yet respectful of others opinions and not pull out their claws if someone states their opinions!
i think what sara has been trying ot say is.. if u are a negetive position, u will only see negetive around you. since u have a bad marraige, u only think that other women are going thru the same.
now there are happily married girls here on gs who have successful love marriages, and they would like to state their opinion too.. they are in a positive position, so they see positivity around them aswell.
just like you can be right with ure assumption that most women in pakistan are unhappy in marriage.. we can also then conclude and assume that there are also JUST as many happily married women in pakistan.
mall i understand the type of desi mentality in some desi men you are talking about. and you are right a lot of desi women are putting up with this and they have to sort of because divorce is not really a great option in our community. and sometimes either the wives or others think you can work on it and it will get better and life goes on and it's not like you can stop our life. so kids have to come into the picture.
ek tho yeh bechari is going through this hard time and then she is getting bs from other desi women on this forum who cannot seem to hear the truth.
i would advise the female gupshup member please be sensitive to mall's situation and please dont freak out just because she is telling the truth of some desi men. she never said she was generalizing so you do not have a right to attack her. you really need to calm down and back off.
she was saying majority of paki women are not happy with their marriages.. how can u say that? do u have a statistic? bad news is good news and makes its way in the papers and news channels... u rarely get to hear bout happy couples... cuz what is there to tell
im happy in my love marriage, sara is, sadzzz is, and so are most of the girls on GS... who decides we are a minority and the poor depressed women are the majority?
the first time mall made a post bout her horrible marriage, every single gs girl was sympathetic... its only when she goes ahead and makes gross assumptions that it becomes hard to swallow...
yes.. desi men can be horrible... BUT.. desi men can also be gentlemen. if u want to generalize, then argue both sides.
it would have sounded better if she had said, 'a lot of women have bad marriages, but a lot have good ones too'...
or some desi men are horrible but some arent instead of goin on to say oh white men are better... no love, they arent :p
mall i understand the type of desi mentality in some desi men you are talking about. and you are right a lot of desi women are putting up with this and they have to sort of because divorce is not really a great option in our community. and sometimes either the wives or others think you can work on it and it will get better and life goes on and it's not like you can stop our life. so kids have to come into the picture.
ek tho yeh bechari is going through this hard time and then she is getting bs from other desi women on this forum who cannot seem to hear the truth.
i would advise the female gupshup member please be sensitive to mall's situation and please dont freak out just because she is telling the truth of some desi men. she never said she was generalizing so you do not have a right to attack her. you really need to calm down and back off.
thank you for ur support. ive had ppl sendin me pvt msg to show support... appreciate that alot. goes to show, there r women who understand my and the other womens situation...
i think when u criticize her, do it in a postive manner.. she will understand you better and wont even realize ure telling her to do something in a diff way...
when she tells you what she has heard from ure mom or sis, backbiting bout her, support her and say u understand where she is coming from.. sometimes thats all that matters. your become her support system and show her that she can count on u and that even though you may be a son and brother, u are her husband too, and very much her own.
jub thak apniyat nahi hogi, dooriya rehengi :)
but its great that there have been positive changes... just keep working on it.. good luck!
all the things you have said, I have tried already :)
Desi men can be horrible and can be great...this is true. Personally, if I was stuck in a loveless marriage and wasnt happy I would leave. I have the rest of my life ahead of me...how can I live like this? Then again, Im not married. After talking to some friends, Im not so sure anymore as to what I would do. Having a baby changes things doesnt it? Its not so easy to leave anymore.
i m sorry... but i found that a bit too blunt! i get your point... but in no way do we have the bollywoodish kinda mentality. that was a pretty offensive thing to say. yeah... maybe we had way too many expectations... all i m sayin is its all about majority... and go and knock on the doors of majority of paki women (in pakistan purely) and u will find almost all of them are unhappy... i dun wanna argue. just stating the facts.
hmmmm well alot a of paki women may be unhappy ...but there must be someee love since divorces in pakistan arnt that common right ??
^ divorces arent common cus they are veyr much looked down upon in paki. A women will be beaten to death before she gets a divroce... times are changing though
having said that, i have seen a lot of happy couples in pakistan. And I have a lot of them within my extended extended khandan... its so cute!
who knew..lol