Marriage & Age

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
21

Trust me...when the right dude comes along, you'd want to do all these willingly.
Most of the issues u mentioned, living with in laws, him living in another state, the likelihood of him relocating all the time, etc...thsoe should be dealt with before you ever even agree on the rishta.

Its really not the end of the world to change schools or graduate a little bit later.. Lots of women end up willingly changing their career plans as well....

22

Well look at it this way... My aunty who was basically career mad, Didnt stop till she got the best. Mashallah she has got the best career. However in the mean time she never got married, Her mind was too much on 'the perfect career' Always too picky on who she wants to get married too... Now shes 41 and unmarried, And the only rishta she has now is a divorced Man whos like her 3rd cousin who has 2 kids. Thats a lesson to girls. Allah will also question her too. Shes really pretty too, So looks wont get you anything either.

My cousin who recently got engaged at 25 is now turning 26 and her engagment broke off. Time and time again i try to give advice to people that you should start looking at 19-20 because its a long process. I've learnt that. Just because your parents are looking no way does it mean you have to say yes. But please please dont say no for the sake of your career, Let it be, Inshallah you'll get a amazing guy that will provide for you and you will never have to get a job. Or he will let you study when you please.

23

Well it's not that I haven't started looking. And I haven't been saying no to everyone without a second glance either. In fact, I was engaged for sometime when I was 19 to someone because he really fit the bill on paper and my parents loved him and everything. But he turned out to be not so amazing and it was broken off. We have been looking for a long time since then, and honestly the rishta's don't fly in and line up like they used to. Probably because the girl to guy ratio is becoming so high now. And I do seriously consider every guy that comes along. Like I said earlier, I do have someone in mind, but he has 4 years of grad school left, so I know there won't be a nikah or especially a rukhsati until he gets closer to finishing and earning an income. That's why I'm worried, because I imagined myself getting married right out of school at 22-23 (which is next may). It just seems like I'll have to wait a while longer and it's disheartening. But I think I can hold up, knowing that a few of you that got married around that age as well and seem to be fine. Nothing's for sure yet, so we'll see when they officially set the date.

24

Farisha, I understand your worries and sentiments I am 24 turning 25 this June. It is very hard for Pakistani/Indian girls who are above the “expiration date” of finding rishta’s that are a balance of what we want and what the other side wants. Many blame the girl of being picky, choosy or proud but what many don’t understand is that this is your ENTIRE life you are deciding on, not just the first 5 years. Personally, few rishta’s have come that have PhD’s while others had a Master’s in Electrical Engineering. There were some who rejected me because I was too tall for their son (never knew 5’8” was that tall!), some rejected me because I was not pretty enough for their son who is always buying the best things from duabi and so forth, others I rejected because one wonders why in the world is that auntie’s son still doing his bachelor’s at the age of 30! If I am not settling for a bachelor’s for myself why would I consider someone who doesn’t want a master’s himself? (We did ask those with a bachelor’s if they were going to consider a master’s and their response was “no, bachelor’s is fine for me”)

The mother-in-law’s believe that their son is of such high stature that he should get the best of everything in life. The girl must be bone skinny, she must be fair, she must be highly educated, she must work, she must have a strong financial background. Don’t I have the right to be picky as well if they are to judge my appearance, my family, my background? Where is the justice in all of this? Mother-in-law’s were once daughters too, how can they forget that so easily. It is a sin for a daughter to be born into the house of Pakistani/Indian family. It does not matter how many things she handles and cares for nothing will equal the joy of having / raising a son.



There was a point in my life when I could have cared less about marriage and what other people thought of me but the gossips of some women just hurt too much to not be affected by it. All I can say to you is have yakeen in your heart, the most profound faith and trust you can ever garner, that Allah will provide you with a husband who will truly make you happy and love you from the heart regardless of how you look or how much money your parents have. Continuously pray whenever you have the chance, especially when it rains!, for whatever qualities you wish for in a husband and inshallah your duas will be answered.

Sorry for the long post.

25

InshAllah you will be fine. Just keep praying to Allah and your dua's will be answered. Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and are looking at things very reasonably. The fact that you are looking while you continue studies is perfect. You consider eery guy that comes along ---> What more can you do?????? You are fine hun. A girl shouldn't settle..... once the right guy comes across... you and your parents will not hesitate. But that person hasn't come along now so no need to fret about it. Just keep doing what you are doing. You were engaged before you say and you could have gotten married by now ... by your "age goal"... but obviously Allah was looking out for you and that engagement was broken off. That is a blessing. Means there is a better guy out there for you. :D

I think it is totally possible for a girl to have both..... get the career and get married. One just has to think like Farisha is.... continue getting an education but continue to keep an eye open for the right guy. I think in your Aunty's case the fact she was too picky was the main culprit. Because even if you are completely uneducated and staying at home and are "too picky"... well u are going to have a really hard time getting married in that case. There is a a difference between "too picky" and "not settling" ...... watching my girlfriends ... in my opinion those that are "too picky" are putting way too much emphasis on their personal preferances. Focusing too much on finding their "dream prince charming". The girls that are "not settling" are just focusing on big things that are important to them and their families....things like a guys education, religion, cultural background, personality traits, etc.

As long as a girl is reasonable in what she wants in a future hubby and reasonable in her mentality of "keeping an eye open" for this guy while getting educated/pursuing her career.... I don't think there are any problems.


**

To each their own but a girl shouldn't just peace out a career or a desire to get an education just for the sake of getting married either. As I mentioned earlier - a healthy balance of both is perfect. One can truly have both. One thing does not have to be given up for the other. If a girl doesn't want a career or want to get educated... that is another story. But those of us that do want to get educated and establish careers... we shouldn't have to choose either. If you meet a guy while you are getting an education.... if he understands and is a great guy and comes from that sort of a family - they will let the girl finish her education and then get married. Sometimes they are sincere to allow the girl to continue her education post marriage. But one should always keep in mind that it is harder to balance both student life and married life at the same time and also sometimes in-laws take go back on their promises.

The mentality that one should get married because "inshAllah the amazing guy will provide for you and you will never have to get a job" works well until god forbid something happens to the guy or to the marriage down the road. A girl with a solid education and a solid career will never have to have these "what if" worries. Anything can happen... we can't predict these things as they are in Allah's hands .... but we can be prepared. We all can think of examples of this unfortunate situations I am sure. It's naive to think "that is so sad but it could never happen to me". One of my distant cousins married a young girl... 20 years old. He was 25. They were very happily married... 2 years down the road they had a baby as well and out of nowhere the guy had a brain aneurism and died instantaneously ...at age 27. There was no way to predict this and no way to prevent it in these circumstances. That girls life shattered....she is a mom to a baby... has no huband...and no ways to provide for either one of them. She is totally dependent on her inlaws. :( Its so sad but this is also something girls should learn from and realize that there are major cons in getting married young as well without education and a solid career established.

26

Why would Allah question her? A Muslim is allowed to a reject any proposal they don't feel they want to pursue and there's no set age by which we **must **get married. I know it's recommended to marry young if possible but there's nothing to say a person will be held accountable if they don't.

Also, some of us actually want to work cos we enjoy it and/or it gives some independence and means we don't have to rely on hubby completely (which is also pretty dangerous in the event of divorce or death which is more common than desis tend to think, I've seen first-hand the mess some girls end up in when they're left to fend for themselves after husband has died or marriage has broken up and no, ur family usually aren't able to or that keen to provide for u long-term when these things happen).. U only have to look at some of the stories in Life1 as well to get an idea of the cr*p some women are having to put up with, having to stay with husband after he's cheated or mistreated them simply cos they can't afford to leave him or have no job or means to support themselves..

It's not really true in more enlightened familes anyway that they prefer girls only 18-23, all the families my parents know will not even consider a girl who hasn't been to uni, finished her degree or is working and can stand on her own two feet. My brother's 29 and has chosen a 24yr-old, she was 23 when they got engaged and was the youngest (and no, that's not why he wanted her lol he just wanted a girl who looks-wise was chiselled). Of all the ones he had seen, she was his own choice and out of all the ones my parents found - who ranged in age from 24-29, he was v.keen on the 29yr-old as she was really pretty as well.. Of course not saying it's right but imo for the boys themselves it nearly always comes down to looks.. most of them would kill for a natural blue or green-eyed Aishwarya Rai lookalike in her late twenties over an 19yr-old ordinary girl next door..

27

Re: Marriage & Age

^ Very well said Deeba :biggthumb:

And same here in my community as well… no one will even consider a girl who hasn’t been to uni or finished her degree. They want a girl that can stand on her own two feet and respect that. The value on education is unsurpassed … with both the guys and girls here.

And yea - its my opinion as well that it all comes down to the guy’s preference in how a girl looks. Age does not play that much of a factor to them when it boils down to actual looks. As deeba said… most of them would kill for a natural blue or green-eyed Aishwarya look alike in her late 20’s over an ordinary looking 19 yr old.

Its sad that looks play so much of a role in a girl getting married in our culture… but it is the reality.

28

Re: Marriage & Age

Deeba-: Apparently if you dont get married Allah will question you as to why you didnt, out of so many people in the world, why couldnt you find a person to settle with. Thats all. I cudnt care less if a woman in her 50's got married tbh. It doesnt bother me. My other aunty got divorced and had nothing behind her, she went back to college etc and now mashallah runs her own business. So its not a big deal wether the girl has something or not.

PR-: Im not saying a girl shudnt have a career or what not but what annoys me is that some girls be in uni for so long and at the end dont even have a career, They dont do anything with it, And some like my aunty jus had a career and didnt even think about marriage and let me tell you she regrets it badly now. Especially as she can see me that was a baby obviously back in the day now making plans to get married...

Farisha-: I know how bad it is when you think you have the best rishta then realise it was a total waste of time. Dont feel dishearted tho.. I know how the olders think the older you get the more you get left on the shelf and they look for 'fresh meat' But you will find the right rishta.. It will happen. :)

29

Couldnt have said it better my self! You should keep your eyes open for anyone that either you, your parents or anyone else suggests for you. Just because they make suggestions you are not obligated to marry that person. The ultimate decision is YOURS! Marry a guy because he is good because he makes YOU happy not becuase you are forced into it. At the end of the day he is the one you have to live with not your parents or friends or anyone else. This whole pakistani thinking of a girl has an "expiration date," is insane! Do you want to marry into a family who thinks girls have an expiration date? think about it. MOST people these days it seems like have gotten over this "expiration date," I think that both guys AND girls are looking for good quality people vs the few who are caught up in this age mumbo jumbo!

30

:bummer: you’re scaring me… i’m 24 and my parents haven’t even started looking for me because my older sister who is 27 isn’t married yet. i have a 28 year old cousin who isn’t married yet either and she asked me to put up a rishta thing for her on GS, but the search hasn’t been going well. :frowning:

31

Dunno who told you that but it's not true. Also, it's not as tho most of these ppl will prob never get married, if someone gets married later there's nothing wrong with that at all in Islam, unfortunately in our culture (esp 'back home') a lot of ppl tend to twist things and make these free choices we have into something altogether much more rigid..

Each to their own, if some girls want to get married earlier good for them but it's wrong to make out those who choose not to are going to be questioned by Allah about it. Islamically speaking marriage is recommended obviously but not even obligatory and being single past a certain age hasn't been made haram *or even makrooh *(disliked). If it was such a big deal for girls to be married by a certain age surely there would be set rules for it (think how many thousands of other things are strictly regulated by Islam)..

32

Most of the time the girls parents won't have the guts or would consider it rude to ask how soon the boy is planning on moving out of parents house if he's living there and I know plenty of inlaws who said if the girl continues studying after marriage it's ok only to change their minds later (esp if she lives with them)..

33

Re: Marriage & Age

Its a lifetime decision. If they shy away from asking important questions just because they're "shy" or to be "polite"....then..errr...Allah khair karay :p

34

another 25 single sista trulyy hear ya theway.... !!!! LETS HANG IN THERE TOGETHER...

35

Re: Marriage & Age

omg, some of you are such aunties! gawd!

gaah! it’s mentality of some of you “women” here that make the rest of us feel bad because we haven’t been hitched and have 5 kids when we hit 19! :disgust:

36

Re: Marriage & Age

:hoonh:

37

Re: Marriage & Age

not you mrs. saieen. you're an aunty just cuz you're married :D

38

**somegroovychick-:**Please dont take this the wrong way, But is it true that if you hit your 30’s its harder to conceive? Or is it a myth?

Oh i see.. So many people say different things. I also heard your only allowed to say no 3 times. To a potential rishta. Obviously even if that was true i would never follow it because thats absoloutly ridiculous. I do however feel a woman should get married because once she’s older its good for her to have a family, It wud be a lonely life living by herself and i assume it would result in living life in sin too if you know what i mean. She cant live with her parents forever either tbh… Have to leave the nest one day.

wow? i heard about the studying thing, they just lie when they say yes you can study, only a few get to be that lucky. However how is it rude when they ask that?

Umm.. not really, Its just friendly advice, People can take it or leave it. Not the end of the world. I think its nice to open your mind at the age of 19 to get the idea of how these rishta things work and never know might come across someone you really like :slight_smile: However there is the other option of finding the perfect guy yourself! :smiley:

39

I was just tryna help :(, I have 2 cousins who are 26 and 25 and they have a cousin in their 30’s. 25 year old is with a hindu… And the 26 year old was in a relationship for 5 years which didnt work out therefore lead her to hate guys.

Inshallah you’ll all find someone dont worry :slight_smile:

40

Hey,

I don't knwo where you are but age can matter. Okay don't get me wrong. I'll explain what I meant.

I know this girl. She's 25, quite pretty, very well educated and every time a prospective rishta comes, either they say no over the phone even before meeting her because she's old or come to see her and one or the other thing comes up to reject her by the guy's family. I feel very bad for her. I also feel it's beause she lives in North america where the population is not >90% muslim (compared to pakistan or other islamic countries).

That's the reason i asked where you live. if you live in pakistan or an islamic country, it's not hard to find a rishta. but if you live in a gora country then obviously not everyone is muslim or pakistani. there are countable pakistanis/muslims and then they are picky.

So I would say go ahead. get committed at least if sahi rishta ata hai. i wouldn't wait longer. hum chahay kitna keh lain k age doesn't matter, unfortunately, guys side makes a fuss about it and it matters especially when you already live in a country where there r limited pakistanis/muslims around.