I don't know. IMO marriage requires team work. Both spouses need to work on it, compromise and adjust to each other. Expecting one spouse to compromise for X amount of years sounds like a recipe for disaster. What kind of human being can and will happily put their own self totally on neglect and that too for such a long period, I've never met anyone like that, even the most selfless person would break under such circumstances. The idea is noble, but is it practical? I doubt that.
I've heard people who've been married over 30+ years laugh over this. This particular mindset itself will guarantee a peaceful marriage (without external factors of course) but will it be a happy one? The idea is after so many years the husband will look at his wife's sacrifices and realise what a gem she is but reality is his family is most probably dead and she's the last constant in his life and will expect her to act the way she has for years because that's the only kind of behaviour he's known from her. Maybe waiting for the janat ka phal should be a long term goal instead because satisfaction is not a binary concept.
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I don't know. IMO marriage requires team work. Both spouses need to work on it, compromise and adjust to each other. Expecting one spouse to compromise for X amount of years sounds like a recipe for disaster. What kind of human being can and will happily put their own self totally on neglect and that too for such a long period, I've never met anyone like that, even the most selfless person would break under such circumstances. The idea is noble, but is it practical? I doubt that.
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Sometimes this act of being all sacrificing and being selfless is like this comment said can wear a person down after a long of the same. I've seen a girl bend over backwards to take all the positive habits and qualities of her mother in law and instill them in her but even then she had situations where she was yelled at almost every day. It can be maddening especially when the spouse keeps his mouth closed or does his own drama of how much he's suffering as in even if she's making the effort he's the one that's in pain. Unless everyone else is behavior in a fair way, the self sacrificing selfless, "whatever you think is right" attitude can you into a doormat that everyone steps on and treats however they want.
Thats true but I never meant to CHANGE yourself for good and be a zombie. It was meant in a positive way and about not being a total stubborn thing who doesnt want to adjust at all.
:cb: yes pretty much.. until said “phool si bachi” start thinking sarey zamaney ke zulm us ke saath hi ho rahe hain and wants a divorce, then they all want her to compromise and “sabr aurat hi karti hai” etc etc :halo:
I agree with that. Maybe the wording in the initial replies was a little off because it did come across as being suggested you should be a “zombie”..
For all the singles in this thread getting all worried on the side line:
Marriage really isn’t as bad as it sometimes gets portrayed. There are plenty of guys/girls with decent families out there and plenty of couples living in completely normal and healthy relationships without any power struggle and ego game. But marriage does require hard work, compromises and adjustment, thinking anything else would be naive.
Worrying isn’t going to help. The best thing is to make Duaa for yourself and everyone else to be blessed with the right kind of spouse.
Here’s a well known one:
Rabbana hab lana min azwajina wa dhuriyyatina qurrata A’yunin waj’alna lil-muttaqina imam [25:74]
It's a lifetime of family drama, hurtful words but sweet words too, situations where someone screams at another and does not apologize, all those times are not forgotten, forgiven after a while, someone takes another for granted, people grow arrogant or are already arrogant, if everybody when they enter into marriage was compromising or trying their best or equally as much to make things work, then sure marriage is a stress reliever.
I wish people would see that not everybody gets that where everybody is trying for the sake of the bond.
no victim mentality but if it's one person doing everything either he or she will get health problems and die early or somehow go mad.
We tend to get so self involved sometimes that we don't realize how hard life can be for others in our lives. Putting ourselves in the other person's shoes. Hey it would be great if we all could do that. Marriages would succeed. No health problems related to stress dealing with people that are just oblivious to how hard it is for others or what they are doing to cause others to be worn out.
How one spouse might be doing all those things for their husband or wife because they genuinely love them. They go unnoticed.
All people in stress free happy marriages need to realize that not everyone that is married has the caring spouses that they have. "but my husband does this for me or that for me" For them it's unbelievable that others have certain issues because they've never come across those kinds of problems ever in life.
I guess if you can handle the problems without killing yourself in the process then great. Good luck. I've met a lot of couples and it's shocking what some people can overlook, tolerate or deal with for the sake of marriage or staying married. Some humans just have a crazy amount of tolerance. I think that's key to keep a marriage together but at what cost?
Other couples match up so well, they are the ideal matched up couple. Lock and key types that need to realize not everyone has what they have. Open your eyes, the grass on the other side could be full of vermin infested problems that you can't even imagine.
its relative. I had a good start alham with a few ups and downs. We managed. i would recommend single people into getting married .
i think it becomes a startplus soap if you let it be. Times are changing and noone is dukhi unless they want to be. Dont be the mazloom dukhi atma making the other side look bad. Its a personal choice. Be fair to yourself and be fair to them. but then again everyone has a different experience. Its okay some day you can teach your kids about your struggles . Put it this way=]
^Absolutely..i think you've put it quiet rightly. Marriage is challenging..it's not walk in the park. But it can be if both first look to their own faults instead of their spouses. It is temping not to look at your own faults. Another thing is..have expectation but be realistic that sometimes..life doesn't go the way we want. Be flexible and adaptable and forgiving -- No egos. Humans have faults..and will always have.
Ego eats the relationship away like fire to wood. So if anyone going to marriage expecting too much..lower your expectation. Focus on your own faults to improve. Do not try to change your wife/husband. If we have married them...accept of them who they are.
Have expectations..but be realistic that life that would hell of a journey. But do not forget to have fun and enjoy life together. Last but not least...first 6 months to 1 year..life is bit tough. But no matter what it is, never give up if your partner is good to you. If you made a mistake, that's ok..stand up again..own it..and make it work.
its the best scam ever. You can't help but fall for it at least once. There i thing in marriage one can't find anywhere else....if you aspire, go get em. If you don't, find out what they are. If you don't like it, you can always bail out.
I am married to a wonderful person, and I would not advise against marriage, when the time and person are right.
I grew up listening to my mum’s scolding for not knowing how to cook, waking up late, not making beds, etc and she used to tell me my in-laws are going to be horrible because I don’t know or do any of this
I still do all of this and my husband isn’t horrible to me at all He didn’t complain at all whenever I failed at cooking, always pushed me to keep trying. It’s a beautiful relationship when you find the right person and develop the forgive and move on attitude. Don’t try to become perfect and don’t expect others to be perfect.
Yesterday I saw engagement pics of the girl I liked and dated in undergrad. She was arab/Muslim. I haven't spoken to her in 3 years but it still sucked seeing her getting engaged. She could have done better though. They guy is like a "makhanchu" and not tall than her. I wonder what he does for a living. He looks Arab too.
I agree with som of the comments here. It's different for everyone. Mash Allah I'm blessed with a great husband so I guess that balances it out but sometimes it's not as easy as people initially think it is. Marriage is hard work.
I had been talking to this brit paki bond trader for a few months - she seemed nice, until she told me she would need her husband to have gps tracking on his phone and a keylogger on his computer. I been avoiding her calls ever since.
I had been talking to this brit paki bond trader for a few months - she seemed nice, until she told me she would need her husband to have gps tracking on his phone and a keylogger on his computer. I been avoiding her calls ever since.
This is a match made in heaven, dont let her go! She will have trackers on your phone, you will get tested her tested after the birth of every child! You believe in equality, so isnt it great that you both will be equally suspicious of each other? Congratulations, you finally found the one! Good luck sucking each others blood!
He didn’t complain at all whenever I failed at cooking, always pushed me to keep trying. It’s a beautiful relationship when you find the right person and develop the forgive and move on attitude. Don’t try to become perfect and don’t expect others to be perfect. 