Marriage advice

[mahool]

Re: Marriage advice

Wrong Thread

[StrangeOne]

Re: Marriage advice

@Reha

Marriage is a gamble mkd...its a gamble no matter who you marry and even if you don't marry...you'll forever be told you should have.

If I were you...I'd try to live by the 2 year rule. When I first got married...someone on this forum said something that stuck with me. For the first 2 years of your marriage...don't think of anything aside from your new family, your new role, your new life...give, give, give and expect nothing back. The first 2 years are the real test. Once you're past those...you've a much better chance at success. Oh and I think it was @prototype that said this.

This advice is a running joke in the family. First 5 years girl should forget her own needs. What should she do after the 5 years? She'll get used to it...

But seriously I once asked my married cousins what they liked about their marriages and the bog standard answer was their kids. They barely even like their husbands. :S I do think if marriage were between husband and wife then it would be less crazy than the whole marrying the clan drama. Couples who do get along end up with one crazy Khala or jhagralu taya who do their best to create problems.

[Reha]

Re: Marriage advice

@StrangeOne

This advice is a running joke in the family. First 5 years girl should forget her own needs. What should she do after the 5 years? She'll get used to it...

But seriously I once asked my married cousins what they liked about their marriages and the bog standard answer was their kids. They barely even like their husbands. :S I do think if marriage were between husband and wife then it would be less crazy than the whole marrying the clan drama. Couples who do get along end up with one crazy Khala or jhagralu taya who do their best to create problems.

It might very well be the running joke for a lot of people. As I said, I may be wrong in my thinking.

But tell me something...when you get married...what do you think the purpose of that marriage is? To create a life between the husband and wife or to just sort of do your own thing in your own parallel universes?

How would you feel if you got married and your husband was still acting like a bachelor? Coming and going as he pleases...no explanations, no questions, no family life, no responsibility towards wife or child, etc etc etc?

You want him to be a husband? You have to be a wife too. :)

Marriage is an everyday thing...not a once in a while thing. Your relationship with your husband requires work just like the work you put in to raising your kid. Every single day. What you put in is what you get out of it - unless you end up marrying a real douche. We - women - get so involved in our families and kids and responsibilities that we lose ourselves...completely. We forget our needs and because of that...we also forget our partner's. Then complain when he doesn't initiate or just randomly fall at our feet to sing our praises.

Lastly, once you have a kid...your favorite person in the entire world - hands down - will forever be that kid. :)

[Aaze]

Re: Marriage advice

I don't know. IMO marriage requires team work. Both spouses need to work on it, compromise and adjust to each other. Expecting one spouse to compromise for X amount of years sounds like a recipe for disaster. What kind of human being can and will happily put their own self totally on neglect and that too for such a long period, I've never met anyone like that, even the most selfless person would break under such circumstances. The idea is noble, but is it practical? I doubt that.

@StrangeOne

This advice is a running joke in the family. First 5 years girl should forget her own needs. What should she do after the 5 years? She'll get used to it...

But seriously I once asked my married cousins what they liked about their marriages and the bog standard answer was their kids. They barely even like their husbands. :S I do think if marriage were between husband and wife then it would be less crazy than the whole marrying the clan drama. Couples who do get along end up with one crazy Khala or jhagralu taya who do their best to create problems.

I've met a few ladies like that as well and I find it sad. The love you have for a spouse and the love you have for your child is completely different. Why even compare those two? Secondly, don't know why, but for some reason some ladies like to play the "poor wifey" card, it's almost like they feel it's beneath them to utter a nice word for their husband. Weird. (Some husbands also suffer from this condition)

[Reha]

Re: Marriage advice

@Aaze

I don't know. IMO marriage requires team work. Both spouses need to work on it, compromise and adjust to each other. Expecting one spouse to compromise for X amount of years sounds like a recipe for disaster. What kind of human being can and will happily put their own self totally on neglect and that too for such a long period, I've never met anyone like that, even the most selfless person would break under such circumstances. The idea is noble, but is it practical? I doubt that.

I've met a few ladies like that as well and I find it sad. The love you have for a spouse and the love you have for your child is completely different. Why even compare those two? Secondly, don't know why, but for some reason some ladies like to play the "poor wifey" card, it's almost like they feel it's beneath them to utter a nice word for their husband. Weird. (Some husbands also suffer from this condition)

I don't mean suffer when I say commit yourself. I mean...commit yourself to creating a healthy marriage. What that requires can only be gauged by the person in it.

[Aaze]

Re: Marriage advice

@Reha

I don't mean suffer when I say commit yourself. I mean...commit yourself to creating a healthy marriage. What that requires can only be gauged by the person in it.

Obviously one should commit themselves completely to their marriage, anything else would be ridiculous or don't get married if you can't commit. It's more the notion of "give give give" for 2/5/10 years and you will be fine/used to, which my comment was directed towards.

[prototype]

Re: Marriage advice

@Reha

Marriage is a gamble mkd…its a gamble no matter who you marry and even if you don’t marry…you’ll forever be told you should have.

If I were you…I’d try to live by the 2 year rule. When I first got married…someone on this forum said something that stuck with me. For the first 2 years of your marriage…don’t think of anything aside from your new family, your new role, your new life…give, give, give and expect nothing back. The first 2 years are the real test. Once you’re past those…you’ve a much better chance at success. Oh and I think it was @prototype that said this.

yes that’s my pakki advice to all newly weds it might seem pagal but in desi households, it works by all means. Susral and husband is happy ‘aatay hee set ho gayee’ :halo: ‘apnay aap ko change kar liya’ and so on ! If this helps in getting adjusted and settles, WHY NOT ? The only person we can change,control and mould is our own self. Aur kisi pe naa buss chalta hai na koshish karni chayay.

P.S. 2 years may aadat ho jati hai and we stop expecting things to change

oh, and never volunteer any info/happenings about your family with ILs (and at times,husband too). Negative stuff will only be shoved in your face one day and you will keep wondering you shared in totally different context !

[prototype]

Re: Marriage advice

Another advice to girls is NEVER follow what your mom/parents tell you to do when you rant with them about something what went wrong between you and your husband/ILs parents naturally are very possessive about daughters and their natural reaction in to advice whatever will make life easy and better for THEIR daughter without having much idea about ground reality and situation at her place. Vent out, rant and try to react to your situation according to your understanding. A remedy that works for one does not necessarily work on others. For eg, my mom ignores my dad for days and eventually things get cooler between them. My bestie does (and advises) the same since it works with her too. They tell me to do the same with husband but I know the more I ignore him , the more worse it gets between us. Husband forgets what caused the initial rift between us and his only complain in the end is " You didnt even bother to talk, YOU ignored ME" SO, suno subki, karo apni

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: Marriage advice

Grass is always green on the other side of the fence.

I refuse to wait for "happy moments" to come and be happy. Create happy moments and be happy in whatever situation you are in. I know easier said than done but not impossible.

My only other advise would be to experience and build relationships yourself. Don get into any relationship with a prejudice or loaded thoughts.

[Aaze]

Re: Marriage advice

@prototype

Another advice to girls is NEVER follow what your mom/parents tell you to do when you rant with them about something what went wrong between you and your husband/ILs parents naturally are very possessive about daughters and their natural reaction in to advice whatever will make life easy and better for THEIR daughter without having much idea about ground reality and situation at her place. Vent out, rant and try to react to your situation according to your understanding. A remedy that works for one does not necessarily work on others. For eg, my mom ignores my dad for days and eventually things get cooler between them. My bestie does (and advises) the same since it works with her too. They tell me to do the same with husband but I know the more I ignore him , the more worse it gets between us. Husband forgets what caused the initial rift between us and his only complain in the end is " You didnt even bother to talk, YOU ignored ME" SO, suno subki, karo apni

That’s actually very true I would say best thing is to find a different person to vent/rant to. Because you might be all cool with your spouse after an argument, but parents might still be thinking about it …

[bakhabar]

Re: Marriage advice

@Reha

There is drama…but it depends…it depends on who you marry and what you can deal with.

@Reha

Woman leaves her parents’ home, yes…

From today onwards, you are the Godmother/Father of all, so precise and correct!

[prototype]

Re: Marriage advice

Yes @Aaze , you know " haye meri phool si bachi kahan phans gyee’ thought

[stoppit]

Re: Marriage advice

Lol... when you do tell people to enjoy their single life and not rush because being married isn't as amazing as they think, they don't want to listen. This isn't to say one regrets marriage, or wants to get out but the reality is that there is responsibility, compromises, your life isn't your own yada yada.
A couple of years after getting married, the husband and I were working in different cities so we'd only see each other on the weekends and vacations. We both had our own places so we both got to focus on our work (no worrying when you had to work late, therefore much happier doing so), enjoyed hanging out with our respective friends during the week (last minute dinner plans - no probs! no need to ask the other half and then feel guilty that they are home alone), and then actually spend quality time together on the weekends and vacations... making a plan for time together rather than it just being another day of the week. It was great to be part-time single and carefree again.

[Xtron]

Re: Marriage advice

@prototype

Another advice to girls is NEVER follow what your mom/parents tell you to do when you rant with them about something what went wrong between you and your husband/ILs parents naturally are very possessive about daughters and their natural reaction in to advice whatever will make life easy and better for THEIR daughter without having much idea about ground reality and situation at her place. Vent out, rant and try to react to your situation according to your understanding. A remedy that works for one does not necessarily work on others. For eg, my mom ignores my dad for days and eventually things get cooler between them. My bestie does (and advises) the same since it works with her too. They tell me to do the same with husband but I know the more I ignore him , the more worse it gets between us. Husband forgets what caused the initial rift between us and his only complain in the end is " You didnt even bother to talk, YOU ignored ME" SO, suno subki, karo apni

Thank you!!. I have always maintained that fact that..husband and wife both should try to solve problems themselves. Parents will always would get worried 10 or 50 times more. And they never forget. And about ranting, you may rant out to a good friend or someone she and he might trust. But once rant is over, try to tackle those issues maturely.

[Sidra54]

Marry a white guy

[Reha]

Re: Marriage advice

@prototype

Yes @Aaze , you know " haye meri phool si bachi kahan phans gyee’ thought :hehe:

YES! That’s exactly what it is!

[SummerFruits]

Re: Marriage advice

This thread is exactly what puts me off getting married...

[Lilly]

Re: Marriage advice

@mama_ki_dua

It would be nice if married people could advice all the single ones out there. I would certainly advice people not to get married. Unless you can be bothered with all the drama.

And i was waiting for your advice, i am almost shocked. :bummer:

@Eastern_Dresses

All the married ladies I have come across give the advice not to get married for one reason or the other. Why would you stay married yourself if its such an awful thing. :bummer: I would really doubt the sincerity of this type of advice.

P.s. You/your don’t mean i am addressing anyone here.

I have always thought the same

@Reha

Marriage is a gamble mkd…its a gamble no matter who you marry and even if you don’t marry…you’ll forever be told you should have.

If I were you…I’d try to live by the 2 year rule. When I first got married…someone on this forum said something that stuck with me. For the first 2 years of your marriage…don’t think of anything aside from your new family, your new role, your new life…give, give, give and expect nothing back. The first 2 years are the real test. Once you’re past those…you’ve a much better chance at success. Oh and I think it was @prototype that said this.

I have watched this woman talking on Geo TV , aurat ki pehlay 9 din ki chup us kay 90 saal behtar kar dayti hai.

@prototype

Another advice to girls is NEVER follow what your mom/parents tell you to do when you rant with them about something what went wrong between you and your husband/ILs :hehe: parents naturally are very possessive about daughters and their natural reaction in to advice whatever will make life easy and better for THEIR daughter without having much idea about ground reality and situation at her place. Vent out, rant and try to react to your situation according to your understanding. A remedy that works for one does not necessarily work on others. For eg, my mom ignores my dad for days and eventually things get cooler between them. My bestie does (and advises) the same since it works with her too. They tell me to do the same with husband but I know the more I ignore him , the more worse it gets between us. Husband forgets what caused the initial rift between us and his only complain in the end is " You didnt even bother to talk, YOU ignored ME" :hehe: SO, suno subki, karo apni

You should open a marriage bureau , I will come to YOU for advice before getting married. :hehe:

[Gujranwalay]

Re: Marriage advice

I think it's right and best to get married when it's time. If you don't and ignore it and choose not to, you'd better be prepared for EVERYONE (no matter if its a best friend, neighbour, sibling, parent, relative, etc ) asking you why you did not get married. Then they'll up it by asking if everything's normal, if you got medical issues, other issues (i'd rather not say), etc.

And then you'll see people looking happy, with kids, and spouses enjoying their dinners, outings, malls, whatever and there will be that empty feeling inside you saying you should've done that ages ago.....

Besides, its Sunnah of the Holy Prophet (pbuh) to do Nikah. You face the danger of becoming a weirdo, phsyco, depressed person if you stay alone/single, etc.

As far as people talking about freedom and all, you will hate that freedom once you cross a certain age and see others busy in their own lives, with their spouses and kids, they won't have time to socialize or dinner anymore......so then at that time you will be the LONER and you will ask yourself why you caved in to those stupid independence feelings......

As a married person, nothing beats the feeling of having that other person in your life you know is YOURS in every way, emotionally, physically, etc. Not to mention, it's a good feeling too. If you get a caring spouse life becomes even more blessed.
And social friendships, aana jaana, etc increase too. Plus you get more family added to your own.

It can be difficult if you marry the wrong person. But if you find a good spouse you're pretty much set for a decent ride in life.
(not financially, i mean in all other aspects). It helps a lot if Islam is practised in your lives. Not just muslims by name only.

[OYMWA]

Re: Marriage advice

There is a reason why all the married people do not advise against marrying. The good times far outweigh the bad ones. Am sure everyone, guy or girl, will go through that phase of uncertainty and doubt. But like any relationship, it is a question of finding a balance. One will find that balance after realizing, for us as humans, interdependence is more important than independence.