Re: Marital Issues
you know what sucks is when u know someone is in a similar situation, and they use u for venting/advice...but when it comes time for you to talk to them, they basically tell you to eff off.. I'm sure there's a special place for them.
Re: Marital Issues
i usually confide in my best friend who (thank god) just listens and doesnt give advice until i actually ask her and thats the kind of relationship we have with each other.
& my husband knows everything - we talk about everything, our problems and issues and things that others say or do that offend us - but most importantly i think to deal with a problem you need to go to the source.. thats why we try not to go to others until we KNOW that we cant solve an issue ourselves!
Re: Marital Issues
Everybody has marital issue. I was a cry baby and went to mommy.
Luckily mommy never interfered with her opinion. She just let me grow up 
all grown up now
don’t confide in anyone. Just don’t trust anyone.
Re: Marital Issues
I don't talk to anyone. It takes time to learn how to deal with marital issues but you learn it by yourself. Sooner or later your friend will share your issue with someone else and might develope an opnion ( a bad one) about your or your hubby.
My sister always call me when she has those issues.
She is the only sister so no one else is there to help her.
My BIL is an amazing person, so I know all I have to do is listen to my sister till she calms down.
It usually takes from 20 mins to an hr.
First(after 15 mins) I try to say some thing not related, when she respond to that I know she is less angry.
Later I say some thing funny If she laughs then I know she is calm.
What she says in between I have no idea BUT shheeshhhhhh!!!
But hey she always hang up happy and laughing 
Re: Marital Issues
^ PM - gotta love sisters.
I think she is the only person in the world that I can be 95% honest with.
Re: Marital Issues
I was just thinking last night that I wish there was a support forum for Pakistani women (sorry but this place is not apt as there are too many non supportive people here!). All the white forums have great support groups but they cant relate to our situations that are normally connected to the culture.
I wonder if there are any normal forums for Pakistani women?
Re: Marital Issues
well we are -- brothers. But she can only talk to me that way.
hmmm
she can be all open with me But I cant be :(
See they have tender hearts; with my stories I cant make her sad. So life1 is good!!!! lolzzz
Re: Marital Issues
I do not have marital issues.
Life/world is full of problems outside the home which we all need to deal with on a daily basis. How can anyone find time to create more problems and issues in their own domain/home. Think about it. Why cannot one keep peace in a 500 , 5000 or 500000 square feet of space one calls home ? How difficult it is to keep home a peaceful place ? why do one needs peace keepers to keep peace in such a tiny space ?
That means Mrs. is also member of GS. 
good catch.
No she is not member of GS.
Re: Marital Issues
^ Mirch - How do we know that you don't cry on pillow every night :)
People make a big deal of marital issues than they really are. Usually it's just nonsense. Why don't you help put more, whose turn is it to wash the kid's behind etc.
Sometimes there are bigger issues - god forbid - infedlity, health issues, taking care of aging parents that cause some households major stress.
^ Mirch - How do we know that you don't cry on pillow every night :)
People make a big deal of marital issues than they really are. Usually it's just nonsense. Why don't you help put more, whose turn is it to wash the kid's behind etc.
Sometimes there are bigger issues - god forbid - infedlity, health issues, taking care of aging parents that cause some households major stress.
very true.
Re: Marital Issues
I don't know, I suddenly grew alot closer to my mom after I got married, and I think the distance did alot for our relationship. If I had issues I wouldn't go to my sister, only because I know she would be judgemental and take my side instead of playing devil's advocate and she could possibly see my husband in a different light/ respect wouldn't be there as much. And I wouldn't want her to think of him as the one who is giving her sister problems and she might treat him differently.
However, I go to my mom to vent and I thank Allah I have someone like her, because my mom totally laffs it off, diffuses the situation and says haha.. yes this happened to me and your dad also etc stuff like that. She doesn't egg it on, or say "ooh thats bad" etc which would further ignite my anger. And Alhamodillah, whenever she sees him she treats him even better and better. I've also turned to my really close friend (whose not married) who has been thru the pre-wedding and during the wedding stuff and she listens and laffs and gives me instances that brings out the good in the marriage.
Re: Marital Issues
I dont discuss any disagreements/conflicts/issues with anyone. they are too trivial and termporary to spend energy on, and if they are more than just trivial, its easier for us to work through them anyways.
I have seen how smallest issues become gossip fodder in khandans and community, and how well intentioned and not so well intentioned people create bigger issues due to their clueslessness/stupidity or evilness respectively.
That was one of the first thing begum and I agreed on before we got married, our issues are our issues, we will solve it, only when a major issue is lingering, has not been resolved in a satisfactory manner will we bring someone else in and it will be a counselor. have not needed it so far alhumdulillah :)
Re: Marital Issues
Hubby and I have never gone outside of our home for settlement of any issues. By the grace of God we haven't had any major issues but even little disagreements, misunderstandings stay between us and we usually resolve them as soon as possible before they turn into monstrous nightmares.
It's a big mistake to involve family members for little things. I have seen too many relationships going sour because one of the spouses decided they had to share each and every situation big or small with their parents/siblings/friends.
Re: Marital Issues
Ditto to what X2 & Niksik (and others) said. It is best to resolve marital issues between husband & wife. If some issue gets really huge, then and only then MAYBE bring a 3rd person into it...but someone who will NOT be judgemental towards either husband/wife and will give sensible advice based on situation, maybe even a trusted Imam.
When I got married a friend gave me a really good piece of advice along the lines of:
Never tell your husband about issue/problems with your family(parents/siblings) & never tell your family about issues/problems with hubby. Only because say you have a trivial issue with hubby & you tell your mom about it in anger. Maybe in few mins you will be all happy go lucky with hubby again....BUT sometimes the mom may think negatively of son in law as u are her daughter...perfect...etc......so far it has worked for me.
Maybe in few mins you will be all happy go lucky with hubby again....BUT sometimes the mom may think negatively of son in law as u are her daughter...perfect...etc......so far it has worked for me.
You are so right Afro about parents. I think parents just take things too literally and they have a bad impression of your marriage (when it not like that at all)
I personally don't want to worry my parents. I think I'll be fine and they'll keep worrying. I am an adult now and need to resolve issues before running to mommy and daddy.
Re: Marital Issues
I also think that in our culture we TAUGHT to don't talk about personal business with anyone. I guess it works in marriages where there is an you and your spouse talk to each other everyday and discuss things.
However I have seen many women feel so LONELY and HELPLESS about things like abusive relationships, husbands not giving money or time to the family, selling assets without the wives approaval. Since the women are taught never to discuss anything - they don't and keep on living the way that they are.
They don't talk to their parents or siblings or friends. They bottle up everything inside of them. (I think that's unhealthy)
I think if you don't have that type of relatiohsip with your spouse (and there SOOO many marriages in Pakistan that are this way) - it's okay to share what you are going thorugh IMO.