This may sound mean of me to question, since the question refers to my sisters situation. Now Im single and so I cant really relate to whats going on here. Hope someone can shed light on the issue
My sister got married ten years ago. Shes older than me , the eldest in fact, and so I was never close to her in a confidante sorta way until recent years. I have to say though I love my sister a lot, I admit that she has a number of faults, foremost being that shes really rigid in her thinking and so many people can disappoint her and not meet her standards. And shes something of an attention seeker
Recently however, shes being tooting new tune. Her husband, who she alternatively supports and seems to abhor, has apparently been beating her up.Now to what extent is " beating her up " supposed to be taken, I do not know. But she claims that hes seein their maid, well having an affair with her at least and he does things like that often and when confronted beat hr up and called our parents lots of names and threatened to kill them.
Even so she resolutely stays with him and sometimes seems very lovey dovey towards him n at other times uses harshwords against him. In person, whenever we see her and him together shes the loving wife. the harsh words are said only in his absence and no change in attitude is observed when we see them together ever.
What is really going on? I was appalled and perhaps in my singledom asked her to move back with us, shes in islamabad, another city. Is she trying to gain attention? Its causing my parents a lot of pain and my mother doesnt know whether to believe her either cos tho initially she did believe the beatings, my sisters refusal to be forthright completely abt the issue is making her doubt things.
even if he's doing it she's coping in her own way so wat can anyone do abt it? u should let ur parents handle it. being youngest u should def stay out of it. may be she discusses to relief her stress n pain but doesn't want to quit yet....
i wunder with sadness that when women gonna stand up for themselves and stop being victim. no one has the right to lay hands on any woman...and that includes stupid husbands. i blame women for allowing men to dominate them. its about time they should learn it the hard way. kick his A-- and divorce him. find a nicer person :)
Yeah i doubt anyone would joke about something like this. I think you should seriously talk to your sister and her husband and clear things up. Honestly the one who is suffering in all of this is your own sister so ye a...
I tried talking to her. I wouldnt interfere Mabrook if she didnt come to me and talk abt it at times herself, as if she wants answers, bt whatever answers I give she dismisses. Same is the case with my mom. We are willing to have her come back and live with us, Dad isnt aware of this yet and shes scared of telling him for some reason. That makes my mother and I also wonder how much truth there is in all this. What degree ie. Its weird but when u have a situaation like this upclose in life, u beginthinking abt degrees..
just like i said may be she wants to solve this prob without leaving him. just coz she doesn't wanna come n live with u guys doesn't necessarily means she's making it up....so giv her solutions where she can stop him from flirting with the maid n be more considerate of his wife. a woman if acts smartly can win her man back. once that stupid affair will b over he'll be back to normal.
Yeah i doubt anyone would joke about something like this. I think you should seriously talk to your sister and her husband and clear things up. Honestly the one who is suffering in all of this is your own sister so ye a...
You wouldn't believe the number of false victim cases, where women claim to be beaten up just so they can get money/kids in a divorce or keep thier husbands under their control. Domestic violence is a true problem, and I know that like 90% of cases are not lies, but there are sly women out there to take advantage of it, esp. in the west where women are given the benefit of the doubt.
However, I do not think your sister is lying because she doesn't seem to want anything out of it. And the fact she doesn't want to tell ur dad is that she's afraid the situation will get out of hand. maybe she has a diff definition of "beating up", like a violent push, but he should not be inflicting ANY violence with her- it's a slippery slope. Does her husband seem like the type that gets angry and violent or is he the subdued type? Is he the type that would have affair (i.e. not very religious?). Only you can answer these questions. I think your sis is telling the truth, but she needs to sort it out herself. Tell her to call your fam if anything serious happens and not to hide it. Be a good listener and support her.
If your sister is going through something, you should be there for her. Its as simple as that. You are her sister, her blood and your place is next to her...no where else.
Im sorry to say this and I hope you dont take this the wrong way but it sounds as if you dont respect her at all. If you did, you would take this a lot more seriously. Instead you seem to be doubting her ability to distinguish between what is real and fake.
When women go through emotional, mental or physical abuse...its not as simple as packing up your bags and leaving the man right away. Some women have it in them...most dont. Most spend an eternity living with the abuse because its all they know and are used to. People blame the women but the state of mind of an abused woman is not the same as yours or mine. If only it was as simple and easy as giving him the boot.
It seems she is probably going through a lot in her marriage and is confused about what to do or if there is something she can even do about it. Her confidence comes out like a puzzle...she is expecting someone to solve it for her but the answer is not to her satisfaction...which is leaving him. So, she rejects it.
Im guessing she loves her husband, is hurt by what is going on and needs to vent. So she comes to you. You listen to her for now and thats it. Dont rush her or push her into making any decisions because its her marriage after all.
Just be there for now and wait until she asks for help.
ill tell u honestly, i m quite sure shes not lying. i had a friend exctly like her in many ways... v insecure, rigid and all. and she didnt tell anyone abt her husband's beatings. she only broke the news to me when i got v close to her when she came to this country. i was appalled to say the least. cus this guy is the goody good one, respectful type. literally everyone likes him, hes funny, caring for everyone and v respectful to elders and all.... that girl had no choice but to keep quiet cus she knew no one wud believe her but in fact says shes in the wrong cus of her nature.
anyway he beat her like an ANIMAL!!!! kicks, punches, slaps, shaking, u name it. it was so depressin to hear this. i cried alotwhen i first heard this story, it was so shockin esp cus this girl is blunt and straight forward and all. to imagine her keepin so queit and not tellin anyone.. her baybasi made me feel so so bad for her. she was actually a very loud mouthed girl. hated her MIL to death... actually everyon in his family who he was close to. v insecure also... she used to compare her MIL with herself and one thin led to another and arguments and all and he wud beat her up like ****!!
ive personally also seen bruises on her arms so i know its not a lie... but its sooo hard to believe cus the guy is sooooooo nice and everythin except with her. btw let me tell u this violence thing happened even before marriage. it was light then. she said slaps and all but after marriage it went on and on more brutal than ever, that made me realize once an abuser always an abuser.
i tell her to leave this man and all.. but she cant, hers was love marriage and they also committed zina before marriage so basically they got married cus they didnt find themselves worthy of marryin someone virgin or pure. now they are payin the price. so sad but true.
pls pls pay attention to ur sister and help her out. maybe someone from her hubs friends can counsel him while u and ur family support ur sister. like her my friend also used to pretend in frnt of all that shes happy. she didnt want anyone to know they hd prbs, considerin they had to fight to get married. u can help ur sister before he kills her!!! trust me once u raise a hand, u can get sooo angry u can even kill the person or hurt them brutally!
Thanks for all the input, tho it makes me feel like im circling back to square one.
For those who said I should support her et all, of course I do, if only she would be forthright with it. Its not easy to hear this stuff and not do anything. First we (mom and i) insisted she move back for a couple of days at the very least. We tried to corner her down to what exactly was going on. Shes not in our city so contact is minimal. His "working late" suddenly took on a new meaning for us. We didnt know how many of his trips abroad and whatnot were actually him being with other women and my sister covering up or not knowing herself.
Then we tried to persuade her to involve our dad, her inlaws. Someone. But shes not getting to the point. I havent seen bruises. Im not questioning her, but its like snazzy said.
As for him having affairs, thats personal. I mean thats something I feel they should manage on their own right? Nothing we can say will change that. But laying a hand on her thats just someplace where we should go barging in.
There are two kids involved. My nephew and niece. Theyre younger than five.
She doesnt seem to want us to do anything, perhaps she just wants to rant, but how much is too much?
Its all confusing. There was an incident related that he once beat her up a lot and closed off any communications to the outside while he was doing it. ie . disconnecting phones etc.
Now she either doesnt refer to that or is vague abt that story if she relates it. She just related it once, and that too to either mom or me, its hard to remember who exactly. Its like the storys diffused into our consciousness.
Believe what exactly?
and if we do believe we cant sit by idly
Sofya just try to put urself in her shoes. think as a mother of 2 young kids. think if u go to ur mom n sis n tell them abt r prob n they suspect u of lying to seek attention. if one cannot rant with a relation as close to mom n sis what else is left to do.
i'm really feeling bad for ur sis now. abusive husband, young kids n own family suspecting her of lying....
mabrook u dont get the point. the thng is that if hes doing it, we want her out. mom is fretting over it. im fretting over it. mom says stuff like dad being alive and this shudnt happen if its happening on the scale she once said it was. now shes not pinpointing the issue, not saying if its truly happening. dad will pull her out if he knows. mom wants to be able to do something too but shes being stopped by my sister. the question really is why
if its really happenng on the scale it was, as she told us once, then itll get worse.
now shes got everything. she herself says so. i just dont know. she doesnt lack any material things. for all concerned shes living a very comfortable life otherwise. there are no outward signs. shes allowed a free hand when it comes to her house and money. my sister is prone to exaggerate at times, mom is thinking of going behind sisters back now and speaking to the inlaws or someone soon and asked my opinion. even mom is concerned that sister mightve exaggerated but us being the mom and sister we cant take that chance. if it is true, we need to act no?
regardless of what she says?
No Sofya its You who is not getting the point. ur solution is to get her out of that abusive home. But she doesn't want it. you and ur mom should understand that she's not ready to leave her home and husband yet. she want to fight back for her kid's sake or any other sake we r not aware of. and if she's not leaving doesn't mean she's lying
since u guys r forcing her to leave n come to u that's making her more puzzled n may b she regrets sharing it with u in the first place.. i mean u r unmarried but atleast ur mom should understand a women and her feelings. just like others here said its not that easy to pack up n leave as u r thinking
Its you and ur family who needs to be more understanding n giv her the type of support she's looking for. if she's not looking for separation or divorce or any escape then guide her to solutions where she can help him n herself to develop better relationship. there are ways to revive lost love.....
No u guys don't need to act on her behalf... be sensible. don't make it more tough for her
If you go to your sister's inlaws behind her back, what kind of a message do you think you're sending them? Simply that her family does not respect her so neither should they.
Your sister is being beaten by her husband, is probably in denial about her relationship with him and you went to her inlaws to verify it? What answer are you expecting from them? A confession? I dont understand who would say "yes, your daughter gets knocked around sometimes and we havent told you because we were too busy".
I feel sorry for this girl now because she has no support from any side...why do you think she is hesitant to come home?
This is really disturbing. If she is a victim of domestic violence then she needs support and some assurance that she can leave his sorry ass safely and even press charges against him. Some times victims of DV are just in denial and need some education about the issue.
It seems she is keeping things from you guys, in fear of involving your dad. The only way i can think of getting her to reveal everything is with the actual threat getting your dad involved. It maybe emotional blackmail, and may even backfire, but at the moment, it seems the only way to get to the bottom of a serious issue. You have to think in the long term and that is the saftey of your sister, physically and emotionally.
Secondly, should it backfire, you should definately get your dad involve, as he seems the only person strong enough to take action either way, and she knows that.
Finally. Thank u mamooli. No we werent going to the inlaws. but getting dad involved is something which ive been feeling we should do.
What can possibly be wrong with a girls father knowing what goes on in her husbands home to her? Besides, what use is emotional support in the face of physical violence if thats happening?
I think i will talk this over with mum and we shall bring dad in over the weekend.
Domestic violence should not be tolerated in any circumstances . Upholding basic humanity is first criteria to build a healthy relationship . This whole situation requires swift and firm action .