So my marriage is pretty much down the drain and thought should vent here a little as well. Don’t even know if what we fought over could really be classified as infidelity. May be someone here has gone through this all and have some advise. She was in my nikah for 6 months, then she got her visa and moved with me from Karachi after a grand shadi. We had a fun sms romance before we got together, so I had big hopes for a happy life.
We were doing so so, she didn’t seem much interested in me. I took her for a Roman honeymoon. I think I was infatuated with her, even though she was frigid towards me, but I thought we should be fine with time.
Then one day I stumbled across her mails and chats. She was very private in that her Black Berry and every thing had passwords. But I got a shock of m life when i saw and read what was in there. This is it where it got twisted.
I read really flirty messages to one colleague of hers. I knew they worked closely and were good friends, but had hoped that it will be over after marriage. But what i saw was ‘do you love me baby’ type messages, sex jokes, flirty pictures posed and sent to him from my apartment, and some other really passionate emails. All of them were from my wife, and none from her friend. Mind you that this guy is much younger that my wife, is a very public figure in Pak like my wife (tens of thousands of facebook fans), and they have been colleagues for many years. But to top all of that i found out that my wife and this guy had spent a night alone in the same hotel room in Barcelona. They were sent by their organisation to a conference in Lisbon from where they slipped to Barcelona for fun. Mind you she was in my nikah and this happened about a month before her rukhsati from karachi to my home.
So I confronted her and she broke down and denied every thing, told me she doesn’t love him like that, and that she is not promiscuous. She sweared on Quran that there is nothing between them, but then I asked if they had spent a night alone in Barcelona, she denied flat-out, but broke down and confessed when I talked about the hotel details.
I scolded her quite a lot, but then she convinced me that it was a misunderstanding. So we decided to patch up. But she was, much like me, dejected and crestfallen at heart. She left me and when back to her family in karachi after couple of days of this confrontation. All this happened in mid march this year. We couldn’t figure out stuff over the phone after she left. She accused me of being closed minded. Now I have received a khula letter from her, that i am supposed to sign soon.
This is my sad little harangue. Ofcourse its just my perspective of things but do think that this was about it. I think this probably ended for the better, but I do miss my wife, or may the loyal loving version of her that i so hoped her to be. Think a lot about how I could have managed this situation better. May be I am closed minded as my wife and her well healed family accuse me. We lived together for less than three months.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
so sorry to hear that...no you are not close minded, what she did was just not acceptable IMO. I know someone else who has been doing the same thing. She had a v comfortable life two great kids, and she does exactly what you have described in your post above. I dont want to sound too religious bc I am not but I do follow the basics, and nowadays ppl cant differentiate between halal and haram anymore.
So sorry that you went through this, my suggestion will be to MOVE ON, no need to waste your emotion and energy over someone who doesn't care, your families may pressure you into make things WORK, but trust me such unions dont last, and even if they do they both parties live in poor quality relationship. It will take time to get over this, but trust me only if you want to, you will.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
That's sad. :(
Move on. and no u dont' seem close-minded from what little you've posted.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
Will you ever be able to see past this?
Is she willing to make a real commitment to your life together?
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
Will you ever be able to see past this? Is she willing to make a real commitment to your life together?
Is that even an option/possibility? Unless there is some severe change of heart...she's already asked for a khula which shows how serious she is... no?
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
She was clearly at fault. But she tried projecting her mistakes on you by labelling you as “close minded”. A typical trait of emotionally abusive women. At the end of your post, it seems your mind is slowly accepting her as a “victim” and you are falling into guilt by being convinced that you were the bad guy. There is nothing wrong in your behavior based on what you wrote. Need some “wake up” call? Go through following page:
Or just google “emotionally abusive women”. You will find lot of resemblences with your situation. I wish you good luck.
Thats correct. She insists quite strongly on khula. 'We have different world views' she said on the phone when she called asking for khula.
Move on one must. I hope and pray to forget her.
Now that its four months that she left so i am in much better shape than in the beginning, when it hurt so bad as if someone close had died. I have to agree regarding halal and haram, but I had thought that even modern ppl from pakistan would not go overboard like my wife.
Managing betrayal in marriage
Its not being close minded at all!! Loyalty in a marriage is a must and cannot be compromised on or need any form of justification. Im sorry but atleast you found out and instead of living out your life miserably, you both might find happiness with those who were meant for u.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
Move on one must. I hope and pray to forget her. Now that its four months that she left so i am in much better shape than in the beginning, when it hurt so bad as if someone close had died. I have to agree regarding halal and haram, but I had thought that even modern ppl from pakistan would not go overboard like my wife.
I think it has nothing to do wiht being modern or "old fashioned", or even upbringing to some extent....some people make this kind of mistake and some people just don't.
She is adamant on leaving u, so let her be, one day she'll proably feel regretful of everything.
Sorry you're going through such a rough time.
Maybe one day she will regret leaving you.... or maybe it's her regret that making her leave you.
Loyalty and trust are HUGE. And once that's crumbled, you might try to fix things, but those questions will always be in the back of your mind.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
You said you felt miserable even after you both had decided to "patch up." Let's say that you both stay in this "marriage"........how would you deal with the doubts that are very likely to enter/plague your mind....such as what is she doing when I'm not around, where is she going, is she still in contact with him, does she still secretly think about him, am I not good enough for her, etc.....and then frequently checking up on her behind her back, holding a grudge, bringing up past transgressions (infidelity) during arguments. That's like mental torture and your fears/insecurities may translate into comments and actions that can make it tough to maintain a healthy marriage and an atmosphere of comfort/normalcy. Do you think you can mentally/emotionally handle a marriage to her...after such a betrayal?
Two months of marriage is not a long time and thankfully children weren't involved. You could also factor in your emotional investment from the sms romance prior to the marriage into the time frame....but it doesn't hold much weight as you can't really know a person via texting and you referred to your feelings as infatuation and not love. Talking to her face-to-face (as opposed to over the phone) can provide you with some direction about what you should do. But imo, I don't think there's anything left to salvage.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
I would like to believe that couples are able to go through much worse and still make things work if they are devoted. The question here, I suppose, is are you?
How important is this relationship to you?
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
Trust is something if broken can't be regain, I agree wth red velvet can you forget this? N the main question is if wife wants to return or not? N it's clear from the khula, why to think about someone who is actually putting all her sins burden on you n actually don't want to live wth you.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
The devotion needs to be mutual though. And if he still has any desire to make it work....or if he still has doubts and needs direction....then talking to her in person would be better than discussing matters over the phone.
He has said that he's decided to move on and that it's been 4 months since she's left and that he feels he's in better shape. It doesn't seem like he's asking a question....more like venting.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
I would like to believe that couples are able to go through much worse and still make things work if they are devoted. The question here, I suppose, is are you?
How important is this relationship to you?
Not if one person isn't devoted to making it work. why place all the burden on just one party?
Congratulations, your wife is a slut, get rid of her and move on.
Your marriage will never be the same, she has had an emotional affair and has probably dreamt of this guy shagging her into next week.
Just be glad you found out soon and no kids are involved, how old was she?
Women like this need to go and date as many men as possible to get it out of their system.
She is trying to make it your fault, people like her are never at fault, on the one hand she is cheating on you and on the other she is sweating on the quran, do you really think she has any respect for Islamic teachings of she did she wouldn't be cheating on You or hanging around with strange men, so swearing on the quran in this case means nothing.
Move on I say.
I think this kind of stuff can be recovered if the couple have been married for a while, in such a short time I think it’s better to end it.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
your wife is trouble maker, get rid of her. you can keep busy yourself in healthy activities and give yourself a break of one year. InshaAllah, you will get good spouse.
Re: Managing betrayal in marriage
Your wife had sex with at least one other man. I suggest you publicly reveal what she and the guy did to their respective families and company. Would serve her right, given how she tricked you into getting married. She probably wasted a lot of your family's money on the wedding too.
Forget this piece of garbage and move on. Find a woman who actually cares for you.