Apologies if you took my comment badly, it was no attack on you girly_girl...
I wouldn't wish you any troubles be they money related/dress or family related.. It is hard enough fnding a good hsuband never mind issues that shouldn't be there..
I appreciate it that it this is a given right and yes a couple of £1000 is no issue
I agree that the fiance has dealt with the situation very badly but I guess what worries me is that the issue here is not due to anything more than money..
I think his family are money orientated and that is not a good start to the rishta..
We end up spending 1000's on relatively useless commodities so feels like things are coming out formt he woodwork that give you signs
I find that people can be very cruel for the sake of saving a few moulahs..
Haq Mehr.. The guy is being an eejit.. If you have full belief in your wife and you consider her to be part of your long term future then he should understand that haq mehr is staying within the family
I think ALLAH gives you signs and may be this is one of them..
INSHALLAH things will work out and just pray and do ISTIKHARA
What ALLAH commands that is right and maybe this is why living in the west brings about its disadvantages and advantages…
A sense of freedom from the attachment that I am a burden on a man..
I would like it to be so that I have money in the bank that we could both share and build the life/home we wish for but would I depend solely on my husband .. NO..
PS Reread my entry.. That was harsher than I meant it to be .. sorry girly_girl..
After reading one side of the story, I think the readers should be a bit more objective in their assessment of the situation, since we do not know the entire details.
The process of setting haq-mehr in most Pakistani families is pretty simple and hassle free. It can happen in any of the following ways.
The girl's side is usually asked to suggest an amount, and once they do, its agreed upon (even if its too high for the groom)
The guy's side is asked to suggest an amount, and the girl's side agrees to it.
The issue is not even discussed till the actual day of nikah, where the question is actually popped by the qazi...at which point the girl's father suggests a meager amount, which is accepted by all.
Now any scenario apart from the above, includes a hint of doubt, or lack of confidence in the other side. If the girl's (or guy's) side insists on a specific amount before marriage, it smells of a lack of confidence to the other side, which is enough to throw them off.
In a wedding scenario, Ive noticed that its not at all about what actually is done. Its all about how its done. People look at how they are talked to, how they are served, how they negotiate, etc. A guy could pay a million dollars in haq meher of his own accord, but if the girl's side makes it binding on him to pay even 1/10th of that amount, he will feel dissed.
Thats what pre-marital steps are all about.
I personally feel that family customs and traditions should not be imposed on each others families. The guy should not be made to follow the same mehr customs that were dictated by the girl's ancestors. Same goes for the girl. I think this was the core reason why the guy always harbored ill feelings in his mind because of this.
However, the fact that he brought it up so close to the wedding wreaks of immaturity, and he should be put in jail for bad timing, if nothing else.
Sara, sorry for the late reply. HIs family didn't request any jahez but my parents had always wanted to give me a bedroom set when I was to get married - king size bed, dresser, etc., bed linens, with matching curtains for the windows. However, when my parents went to his house shortly after we got engaged, it turned out that his family had converted a big walk-in closet into a bedroom for him so the only thing that fit in his room was a full size bed and a small table with a tv on it. So my parents had decided that when, and if, we ever moved (his parents want all their sons to live together under one roof) they would buy us furniture then.
However, the wedding is now off. I did pray on it and a couple days later my friend calls and says she ran into my fiance at a party - a party he told me he didnt want me to go to with my cousins and bros (so we cancelled our plans) for no other reason except that I was a girl and being a girl and his fiance i couldn't go. I said fine but that he wasn't allowed to go either. After arguing about him going/not going - he figured he was a guy so it was ok for him to go anywhere he wanted - he promised he wouldn't. Not only did he go, but he went with a whole bunch of girls and was apparently all over one of them (not making out but his arms around her, leaning on her). My friend even snapped a picture of them. After confronting him about it, he admitted he went and said that the girl was a friend from his college days and said he found nothing wrong in what he did because, in his words, "im a guy so its okay for me to do anything"! And he said he would continue to go out like this after we got married with me at home. My brother overheard the entire conversation and called my parents and told them what was going on. My parents talked and decided he just wasnt right for me and called his parents and ended the relationship.
I sympathize with you for the money and time wasted in making the wedding arrangements. But I'm very happy for you in the sense that you've been SAVED from marrying such a loser.
For your sake, I hope that you did not have any strong emotional attachments to this loser. That will help you to move on and get over him quickly. You should thank Allah for making you aware of this guy's character. A loss of thousands of rupees is NOTHING compared to a life time of misery. And I'm sure even your parents realize this. To your parents, money is NOTHING compared to your happiness.
This guy thinks that he's entitled to going out and partying with girls in an intimate fashion just because he's a "MAN"? OMG.......he is not even man enough to talk to your dad about adjusting the mahr. He behaved like a coward regarding that issue. And now he thinks he's entitled to doing whatever he wants? OMG!
And to make matters worse.........he didn't even apologize for his behavior. That is the BIGGEST sign of his LOW character. He has no respect or consideration for you. Please please please do not waste even a single tear on this loser. I hope you find an amazing and worthy guy soon.
Even if he does apologize.....don't take him back. Stand firm on your decision to end this rishta.
Hey girly-girl, I guess you will be feeling very upset right now, but as an outsider going by what you have told us, I think its a very good thing the marriage didn't go through. Inshallah you will see the benefits of this soon. I wish you all the best for your future.
BTW - Your parents and your brother sound like really good and sensible people too, mashallah, they have done well by you.
You dont' need a jerk like this, or his family. Good riddance.
Sara, sorry for the late reply. HIs family didn't request any jahez but my parents had always wanted to give me a bedroom set when I was to get married - king size bed, dresser, etc., bed linens, with matching curtains for the windows. However, when my parents went to his house shortly after we got engaged, it turned out that his family had converted a big walk-in closet into a bedroom for him so the only thing that fit in his room was a full size bed and a small table with a tv on it. So my parents had decided that when, and if, we ever moved (his parents want all their sons to live together under one roof) they would buy us furniture then.
However, the wedding is now off. I did pray on it and a couple days later my friend calls and says she ran into my fiance at a party - a party he told me he didnt want me to go to with my cousins and bros (so we cancelled our plans) for no other reason except that I was a girl and being a girl and his fiance i couldn't go. I said fine but that he wasn't allowed to go either. After arguing about him going/not going - he figured he was a guy so it was ok for him to go anywhere he wanted - he promised he wouldn't. Not only did he go, but he went with a whole bunch of girls and was apparently all over one of them (not making out but his arms around her, leaning on her). My friend even snapped a picture of them. After confronting him about it, he admitted he went and said that the girl was a friend from his college days and said he found nothing wrong in what he did because, in his words, "im a guy so its okay for me to do anything"! And he said he would continue to go out like this after we got married with me at home. My brother overheard the entire conversation and called my parents and told them what was going on. My parents talked and decided he just wasnt right for me and called his parents and ended the relationship.
how on earth every MALE say they MALES so they can go out and do everything?? when haram/hala mehrem/namehrm is equal for man n women both...i think thats the only excuse they have...
Girly_grl really sorry to hear what you had to go through. But I'm really happy for you for getting rid of the loser. InshaAllah you'll find a nice, worthy guy soon. Don't let this get to you, lots of duaas and best wishes for you.
A big fat congratulations to you and your family for doing what is right and best for your happiness instead of going along with this insanity out of fear of what people will say. And if anybody asks, you tell them with honesty that you didn't think it was the right decision in light of everything you learned about him and his family. People deserve to know so that boys and their families will understand that girls aren't going to stand for this nonsense and so that girls and their families will understand that they don't have to give in (and to avoid this guy if his family has come with his rishta)
RV is right. Money is nothing compared to your happiness.
Please take as long as you need to feel sad (you've definitely earned yourself a good cry with some ice cream...may I recommend Edy's French Silk?) and then move on.
ohhh i'm so sorry for all that. plz don't ever cry for such a guy. he was such a bad mistake, na baat kernay ki tameez na behave kernay ki. Allah jo bhi kerta hai aychay k liay kerta hai.May Allah bring ur real soul mate to u soon.
how on earth every MALE say they MALES so they can go out and do everything?? when haram/hala mehrem/namehrm is equal for man n women both...i think thats the only excuse they have...
Cos their parents teach them 'it's different for boys.' When a boy sees he is allowed to go to parties or stay out late while sister is told she must stay at home what is that teaching him??? The attitude of parents letting boys do whatever they want whilst the girls are kept on a leash is what leads to these complete double standards..
