mehr is mostly decided by mutual discussion from both parties and the financial condition of the groom. a girl can demand any amount she likes is not true.
u should first think abt ur fiance's financial condition.if u don't mind let us know how much amount is it. may be they agreed at that time but now feels he won't be able to afford it.
nodoubt its very wrong of him to tell u that at this point. but it should be ur decision and not ur family's as to how much to accept or not accept. however this situation does call for a meeting b/w two families to reach a final decision.
bargaing mehr seems stupid to me but only u know ur fiance. if u think he and his family are cheap ppl then this could be blessing in disguise for u to know their reality.
i know of cases where ppl agree to huge amount with thoughts they would actually never pay it. so wat if he agrees on nikkah day n doesn't pay it later? so only u can decide wat type of person u think he is. (to me he seems cheap... add old gifts in mehr
normally when a guy rolls a ball in his dads court while making imp decision relating his life he's not a very mature person.
After doing some research about the Haq Mehr........I've been thinking about your situation. Is it possible that at the time of settling the risht.........the guy and his family thought that the mehr set by your dad would be okay for them to handle......and that perhaps due to pride, they were too embarrassed to admit that they can't handle the mehr payment?????
I do agree that what makes your situation WORSE than it really is..........is how the guy handled it. If your fiance had ONLY told you much in advance that he's uncomfortable with the mehr amount.........and if only he tried to calmly negotiate this with your father face to face................he would have seemed more respectable to us.
There is nothing wrong or even embarrassing if the groom is uncomfortable with the mehr amount. Because people also have to consider their budget/pocket/financial hardship. We do that on a daily basis. Even while we are shopping, we always consider what things are affordable and what things are too expensive. That's why both families have to agree together upon a comfortable and MUTUAL settlement. It would have been more appropriate for the guy to discuss his concerns with your father instead of making threats to you. His strategy was not only foolish............it has also cost him his image/reputation in your family's eyes.
**It is actually your fiance's crappy behavior that is a **BIGGER ISSUE than him being uncomfortable with the mehr amount. So, as I had said earlier, it's best if you **TELL YOUR PARENTS EVERYTHING THAT YOUR FIANCE SAID ASAP. **And then you all can decide as a family how to take handle the situation since the wedding is fast-approaching. Don't attempt resolving matters on your own. Get your parents involved.
Upon further reflection...it's entirely possible that due to the awful economic climate, something may well have taken place recently that has forced this guy to rethink his initial promise.
But as you said, the way he went about this is a major red flag. Had he come to the poster and explained that circumstances had changed and calmly asked to revisit the subject, that would be a different scenario. But pressuring her like this with the wedding just around the corner and telling the girl that he'll walk if she doesn't agree to his terms...that's playing a dirty game of pool. As everybody has said, it's time to involve the families.
I feel for you girly girl. This must be really upsetting a couple of weeks before the big day.
I say, try to calm down and think rationally.
Speak to your parents right away so they are aware.
One of two scenarios is possible:
Either finances have really changed and he is having a hard time handling the mehr amount. In a lot of families mehr is paid upfront at the time of the nikah. A lot of my friends received their mehr the same way. This may be something he might not be able to do financially. IF this is the case, his approach was SO wrong. He should have been man enough to call your father and speak to him directly about this matter because it was settled by him. Instead he is using you...so you can feel the enormous pressure and beg your father to change his terms. Its wrong.
Another possibility is the guys' side is taking a chance by trying to negotiate the mehr one more time before they seal the deal on paper. In this case, they're being really arrogant by disrespecting your father's wishes as well as all the money, time and energy you have already spent on your wedding preps. Who does that? What kind of people do you think they are if they are already treating your family like this? What will be next? They will ask you to not to take up so much room in their home? Leave your stuff behind?
Seriously, I wouldnt do it if I were you...they dont sound like they know how to respect family relationships. It doesnt sound like they respect their own word, commitment or even the monumental effort it probably took your family to organize the wedding.
I feel for you girly girl. This must be really upsetting a couple of weeks before the big day.
I say, try to calm down and think rationally.
Speak to your parents right away so they are aware.
One of two scenarios is possible:
Either finances have really changed and he is having a hard time handling the mehr amount. In a lot of families mehr is paid upfront at the time of the nikah. A lot of my friends received their mehr the same way. This may be something he might not be able to do financially. IF this is the case, his approach was SO wrong. He should have been man enough to call your father and speak to him directly about this matter because it was settled by him. Instead he is using you...so you can feel the enormous pressure and beg your father to change his terms. Its wrong.
Another possibility is the guys' side is taking a chance by trying to negotiate the mehr one more time before they seal the deal on paper. In this case, they're being really arrogant by disrespecting your father's wishes as well as all the money, time and energy you have already spent on your wedding preps. Who does that? What kind of people do you think they are if they are already treating your family like this? What will be next? They will ask you to not to take up so much room in their home? Leave your stuff behind?
Seriously, I wouldnt do it if I were you...they dont sound like they know how to respect family relationships. It doesnt sound like they respect their own word, commitment or even the monumental effort it probably took your family to organize the wedding.
I agree and like someone already pointed out if he's like this now what is he going to be like after marriage??
i thought the guy only pays the mehr if and when he is leaving her and not at the time of the marriage..??..
If this was the case I reckon hardly anyone would pay up..
Best to get mehr all done and dusted before the wedding imo, staggered payments during marriage may lead to resentment when there are bills, mortgage payments etc to pay and what happens if u fall out, he loses his job or ur financial situation changes in some other way? Too much pressure imo..
Thanks everyone for your advice. I am really grateful. I did talk to my parents and told them everything and they called my fiance and asked him if he had anything that he would like to discuss with them regarding the marriage - ANYTHING at all. He said he had one concern and stated it which was easily resolved but it had nothing to do with the mahr. Both my parents constantly kept asking him if there was anything else and he said no, nothing else. My parents then called me confused. Then I called my fiance and asked him why he didn't bring up the issue of the mahr with my father. He said he would talk to him once my parents are back in NJ (they went to London to get my elderly grandmother and phupo) as "this is not a conversation meant for the phone". However my parents aren't going to be here for another 11 days and my wedding is 3 days after that so waiting until then is not an option. He also said he is now not sure whether he wants to change it or not and he is confused. I contacted my parents again after my conversation with my fiance and told them that he is confused and my father said he will speak with him tomorrow and be more upfront. My father also said that he will do whatever makes me happy. If i want to end it than he is fine with that, if i agree to the amount of mahr he wants to give, then he will do that as well. I have told my father to do what he feels is right in his heart.
Also, I understand the economy has changed since I have gotten engaged but, mA se, his salary has increased since the time of our engagement.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I am really grateful. I did talk to my parents and told them everything and they called my fiance and asked him if he had anything that he would like to discuss with them regarding the marriage - ANYTHING at all. He said he had one concern and stated it which was easily resolved but it had nothing to do with the mahr. Both my parents constantly kept asking him if there was anything else and he said no, nothing else. My parents then called me confused. Then I called my fiance and asked him why he didn't bring up the issue of the mahr with my father. He said he would talk to him once my parents are back in NJ (they went to London to get my elderly grandmother and phupo) as "this is not a conversation meant for the phone". However my parents aren't going to be here for another 11 days and my wedding is 3 days after that so waiting until then is not an option. He also said he is now not sure whether he wants to change it or not and he is confused. I contacted my parents again after my conversation with my fiance and told them that he is confused and my father said he will speak with him tomorrow and be more upfront. My father also said that he will do whatever makes me happy. If i want to end it than he is fine with that, if i agree to the amount of mahr he wants to give, then he will do that as well. I have told my father to do what he feels is right in his heart.
Also, I understand the economy has changed since I have gotten engaged but, mA se, his salary has increased since the time of our engagement.
Mission accomplished. Please dont repeat what your father has said to your fiance. This is exactly what they wanted. How on earth will your father be stubborn 15 days before the wedding? How is he going to stick to his guns? He wont. He will do what makes his daughter happy. Any father would.
Girl, I dont like this and I wouldnt do it if I were you. You may even want to voice your doubts to your fiance now so he knows the severity of the situation and what he has done.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I am really grateful. I did talk to my parents and told them everything and they called my fiance and asked him if he had anything that he would like to discuss with them regarding the marriage - ANYTHING at all. He said he had one concern and stated it which was easily resolved but it had nothing to do with the mahr. Both my parents constantly kept asking him if there was anything else and he said no, nothing else. My parents then called me confused. Then I called my fiance and asked him why he didn't bring up the issue of the mahr with my father. He said he would talk to him once my parents are back in NJ (they went to London to get my elderly grandmother and phupo) as "this is not a conversation meant for the phone". However my parents aren't going to be here for another 11 days and my wedding is 3 days after that so waiting until then is not an option. He also said he is now not sure whether he wants to change it or not and he is confused. I contacted my parents again after my conversation with my fiance and told them that he is confused and my father said he will speak with him tomorrow and be more upfront. My father also said that he will do whatever makes me happy. If i want to end it than he is fine with that, if i agree to the amount of mahr he wants to give, then he will do that as well. I have told my father to do what he feels is right in his heart.
Also, I understand the economy has changed since I have gotten engaged but, mA se, his salary has increased since the time of our engagement.
If you have any discussion with your fiance about the mehr issue........please keep your parents posted. Also, I think things will become more clear when your father talks to your fiance upfront. Had your fiance known that your father can be flexible........he wouldn't have resorted to such an immature way of handling the situation.
My concern is this. Since there is such little time until the wedding.........that means your fiance has to end his confusion quickly and decide what he wants. And let's say that he feels pressured because of the lack of time.......and he tells your father that "Uncle, don't worry, I'm fine with the haq mehr".........BUT......then he continues to hold a GRUDGE toward your family.....and takes it out on YOU???? Then what? Know what I'm saying? He could get nervous around your father and decide to agree to the amount.....and later on......take out his anger on you. Or he might not pay it. And the only reason you'd have such fears is because of the immature way he handled it. If he handled things respectfully and maturely.........you wouldn't have any qualms about his character in the future. Bring up this point with your dad. And see what he says.
PLEASE......as PSQUARED suggested.........DO NOT **tell your fiance that your father is willing to make changes in the amount. Let your dad discuss this amount issue with him over the phone. In the mean time......however......I think you should **CALMLY **and **POLITELY discuss your fiance's behavior with him. Tell him that he could have had this discussion well in advance. Tell him that you understand that the economy is strained and if you had discussed this issue with my father, things could have been negotiated. Tell him that you felt uncomfortable with his comments about walking out on her.....and losing the wedding money...........and that your parents won't be able to do anything now its so close to the wedding. Tell him that his comments seemed like blackmail especially when he said that "your family can't do anything about mehr"........because Islamically a guy can't force or pressure or blackmail the girl to make changes in her mehr...........BUT he can RESPECTFULLY REQUEST her to reduce the amount. There's a difference been a request/negotiation.....and putting pressure/blackmailing by deliberately delaying the situation until only days before the wedding.
** Discuss his behavior with him. ** Who makes such comments? No fiance makes such comments?
He needs to be made KNOWN of his behavior and how it made you feel. BECAUSE........if you decide to marry him.........he might continue his immature controlling behavior after marriage. So YOU need to talk to him about his behavior CALMLY.........and see what he says. If he loves you enough to WANT TO MARRY YOU........he'll realize his errors and apologize. If he gets defensive or rude.......that might even give you an idea about whether you EVEN want to marry such a guy.
Also, I understand the economy has changed since I have gotten engaged but, mA se, his salary has increased since the time of our engagement.
Then something definitely doesn't smell right. I'm gonna have to go with most of the other posters here and suggest you seriously consider not going through with this. If his salary has increased and he had no initial objection to what you agreed to so many months ago, what's the problem? What exactly is making him so uncomfortable days before the wedding? And again, why come to you with such a catch-22 choice? As someone in the legal profession, every last one of the alarm bells I've got are going off right now.
But as someone who doesn't have the power to see into the future (something reserved expressly for Allah SWT) and as a woman who doesn't want to see another girl unhappy...please keep talking. To your family and fiance. As PSquared and redvelvet have said, don't tell him about your Dad's willingness to change the amount and DO calmly have it out with him regarding his "lower the amount or I'm walking" comment. Make dua. Do istikhara. And then make your decision. I think it's safe to say that all of us are praying for you.
I know it is in our faith that a girl has a right to haq mehr but I just feel that it is wrong to demand money from the guy.. this might be because I am independent and feel wrong asking for money from anyone even if it is my right to..
I'd rather lose out on money that i deserve than demand for it..
My parents have never demanded and neither have my sis in laws family and I respect them both..
My sis in law's dad and future s in laws dad both said.. "We ask for nothing.. If you want to buy her clothes and jewellery you buy as you wish but if not we are happy to give her to you as she is clothed."
Ofcourse in real life it is not so simple but the point that you demand so much feels wrong..
I know it is in our faith that a girl has a right to haq mehr but I just feel that it is wrong to demand money from the guy.. this might be because I am independent and feel wrong asking for money from anyone even if it is my right to..
I'd rather lose out on money that i deserve than demand for it..
My parents have never demanded and neither have my sis in laws family and I respect them both..
My sis in law's dad and future s in laws dad both said.. "We ask for nothing.. If you want to buy her clothes and jewellery you buy as you wish but if not we are happy to give her to you as she is clothed."
Ofcourse in real life it is not so simple but the point that you demand so much feels wrong..
So NOT the issue here... you might wanna go back and re-read her initial post. Nobody cares about the money at this stage, its the behavior of the guy...
What are you trying to say??? How is this relevant? Does it change the fact that he's trying to blackmail this girl at the LAST minute? Would you encourage this kind of behavior? I am sure you won't :)
I am hoping this is not what you meant. Like I said, re-reading her post again might change your perspective on this.
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but the point that you demand so much feels wrong
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The poster never specified what her family requested for her Mahr. In fact, in her original post, she stated that it appeared to be a reasonable amount to be paid out over time and not immediately. And as Sereen said, that's not what's causing so much concern. It's the manner in which the fiance addressed this issue that's so upsetting.
And you're right, Confucius...demanding a crazy high amount is unreasonable (but again, the poster says the amount is a reasonable one so your point does not apply to her). Red Velvet pointed out that that best woman, according to the hadith, is one whose mahr is easiest to pay. That said, mahr is MANDATORY. It has to be a reasonable amount, but it has to be paid no matter how independent or dependant a woman is.
I know it is in our faith that a girl has a right to haq mehr but I just feel that it is wrong to demand money from the guy.. this might be because I am independent and feel wrong asking for money from anyone even if it is my right to..
I'd rather lose out on money that i deserve than demand for it..
My parents have never demanded and neither have my sis in laws family and I respect them both..
My sis in law's dad and future s in laws dad both said.. "We ask for nothing.. If you want to buy her clothes and jewellery you buy as you wish but if not we are happy to give her to you as she is clothed."
Ofcourse in real life it is not so simple but the point that you demand so much feels wrong..
why u want to forgo a right Allah has given u? does ur working mean u'll never ask or expect anything from ur husband n will take care of ur needs by ur own money?
Confucius... It is most definitely not a huge mahr. The reason my father set the amount he set is because it is the same amount my grandfather set for his daughters, the same amount my father set for the rest his sisters after my grandfather passed (he is the oldest son), and the same amount my father set for his nieces where he acted as the wali. You have to realize that if the amount was doable in my grandfathers time, it is definitely doable now. My parents, mA, have good jobs and my fiance makes about the same as both my parents combined so he can definitely do it. My mahr is a few thousand dollars - NOT tens of thousands NOT hundreds of thousands, not millions. It is much less than he makes in a month. And as I stated before, it doesn't have to be paid with cash but can be paid in other ways throughout my lifetime. I am also independent, but mahr is my right. Also, the only thing my parents asked from him is the mahr. We did not ask for the wedding clothes or the jewelry. My parents told fiance's parents that our side would do this ourselves as I want to be sure that I like what I will be wearing. My parents told his family to get me whatever they want, or not to get me anything at all if they chose not to.
My father is not an unreasonable person. If there was some extenuating circumstances, he would have been happy to revisit the topic. In fact, they would have been happy to revisit the topic if there were no circumstances at all and if he felt that it was an excessive amount. I did say earlier that my father said he would change it if it would make me happy. It's just the fact that he he waited so soon before the wedding to say something and the way he was going about it.
As an update, my brother called him over today to talk after seeing me so distressed. In the discussion, my fiance stated that he didn't believe that the mahr was too high but the set amount is causing problems at his home. His mom's mahr was $25. His sisters was the same. His sister-in-laws got a $200 each and they are all upset that I keep getting more than they did when they were getting married. My wedding is a love marriage. I have been with him for almost 1 year before I got engaged. Once while we were at a jewelry shop I saw a diamond ring that I liked and showed him. For our engagement he bought me a very similar ring. His family was not happy then as the rest of the women in his family had gotten gold bands from the MIL for the engagements. My fiance and I started to look at honeymoon locations, and during this discussion that he was having with my brother and I, he informed me that he didnt know how to tell me before but we will not be having one because it is making his family unhappy since none of his 5 sister-in-laws or 2 sisters went on one. The women feel that my fiance is treating me as if I was better than them. Therefore, he feels that my mahr should be comparable to theirs so not to stir the waters more. I quite honestly don't know how to take this. I do not think I am better than them but what they got and what their husbands give them is not any of my concern and sholdn't be my fiance's either.
My mom wants to do istikara because she says that he acted horribly (as everyone here also agrees) when it came to the mahr situation and because she thinks its ridiculous that he's only going to do for me as much as the other women in his family got done for them and she is concerned for my future with his family (I will be living with his parents and 3 of his married brothers and their families in a 6 bedroom house). She is also doubting his and his family's ability to care for me after she heard that his family is acting jealously. She doesnt want me to live my life, and neither do I, where the people around me feel like they are in some type of competition. My parents ended up calling my fiance's family and voiced their concerns and said they need a couple days to think things through. I am sorry if this post sounds a little confusing or seems like I'm rambling but I'm stressed out and tired. It's cutting it extremely close and I am very worried. So PLEASE everyone pray for me that what is best for me will happen, iA
Pray 2 rakah namaz-e-hajat n leave everything to Allah. Inshallah HE will decide the best path for u. Also keep reading surah falaq and ya haiyyu ya qayoom-o bai-rahmatika istaghaiso.don't stop reading these two even if u get married in that family. Surah falaq is very powerful in protecting from jealousies and Ya haiyyu helps u in hard times.
Clearly you're a night owl like me or the anxiety is keeping you up. I think, unfortunately, that it's the latter.
I really don't know what to tell you except that I'm praying for you (along with everyone else who responded to your post).
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But you have to know that regardless of what happens, none of this is your fault! I hope you know that. You have not done anything wrong. I don't want to speak ill of someone I don't know, but it seems to me like your future in laws are, as you say, in some sort of competition and they are forcing you and your fiance to take part in this "race." Unless your fiance puts his foot down and makes it clear that whatever the two of you do (in terms of mahr, honeymoon, and every other major decision) is between the two of you, then there's a very good chance that this will escalate and continue throughout your married lives, forcing the two of you to weigh every decision in light of what your family has or hasn't done.
Again, I'm praying for you. Keep making dua and please try hard not to despair (easier said than done, I know). Remember that Allah SWT never places a burden on us that is more than our ability to handle...so think of it this way - He knows you can handle this. Inshallah, you'll pull through.