Hey guys
I want unbiased suggestion so here I am posting it here.
My mother in law is also my dads sister, so I got engaged to my cousin last year they live abroad its arranged thingy and v r also happy with it. marriage is in this winter.
This summer she came to pak for my cousin wedding
so she told my mom on phone the girl side make such beautiful curtains and bedsets u should come see them.
She keep on mentioning they like carving furniture and they want to set their home in islamabad. Etc etc like Dinning, drawing etc
She is mentioning car a lot these days.
she keeps on pointing out every ad on tv or poster on billboard see how beautiful this model is how skinny that model is in functions pointing on random girls n compliment their beauty n clothes etc buy never give any compliment to me btw I’m above average girl n other people do like me
I was wearing wide leg jumpsuit, she said don’t wear it in family gatherings its for going out on movies or appropriate for uni gatherings but this other day v were in beach tree shop n she picked one jumpsuit that I like it for my daughter my.mom said oh this is the one mashaal was wearing in other design she said oh no my daughter actually don’t like wide leg jumpsuit n than she said to me my elder bahu daughter in law who is also my cousin bought jumpsuit with her from pak her was better y yrs had silk jacket like something with it I said hmm its in fashion these days than she said I don’t like wide leg my daughter like it in fitting.
The other day she was mentioning to my mom girls should be Islamic, respectful towards elders, could Händel house chores, could pamper husbands n take care of every need , respect them , social n fun loving , could let go husbands mistakes, smart n beautiful, could manage work n home life , should take permission from elders before doing anything etc my mom said so girls r suppose to do everything she said yes shadi is not suppose to b bed of roses etc etc
I took her for shopping as she wanted to buy some summer lawn suits n tailor work, she constantly was sayin make list n shop accordingly for shadi from my mom side so she mentioned bed sets, buy towel set for urself n hubby, shawls fr me 3 to 4 , suits n their types oh n she insists on giving suits to every single relative in family in shadi rasam
So I’m irriate now I mean my mom dad r doing all this not because she wants it but because they want to n I m tryin so hard to but she is losing respect in my eyes she is blessed Allhumdulilah they r financially v stable. And why she keep mentioning other girls n models beauty n dressing sense everyone likes me n my dresses I know it may sound stupid y I care but again n again its getting a lil irritating, basically I don’t know what she is upto I m clam person so i don answer her back ever
But now i want to
It's not stupid at all Mashaal. You should let one of your siblings or your mother to talk to your dad about it. Specially mentioning of car, shopping etc seems very fishy. And what about your fiancé , what are his expectations. Some people living abroad who get some money think as if they are doing a service by marrying a girl from back home or else she will die virgin.
well when I talked to my dad he said she was talking in general , about rasam etc basically he just want me to have positive approach towards everything n he ask my mom n brothers to not listen much my perspective as he think it ll poison my brain lol
he is always clam about everything and love to give others I appreciate it but I don't like people who demand stuff specially jehaz its greedy in my opinion
my fiance was not with her, n he is nothin like this only his mom n lil bit his dad as his dad was furious when my other cousin got married to his elder son bought only bedroom set n he did mention chinuioti furniture in last meeting NM or gujrat furniture showrooms etc
but fiance is not at all like this he always ask not to send anything as gift and he always tell my parents its our turn to do something for u u guys have done enough
There are two number 5s in your list. And the first number 5 I would ignore. For the second number 5, your mum should have started saying stuff about what she expects the husband to do! e.g. whisk her away on romantic trips, buy her jewellery, whatever lol. If she is setting ridiculous standards then go ahead and do the same lol.
The rest of the comments - sounds like she is expecting you guys to bring loads of things in jahez. That's a bit cheap in my book. You guys should do what YOU want to do, not what she expects you to do. She can't make you do anything.
The other comments about her not saying you are pretty or whatever, just ignore. You're going to have to learn to ignore a lot of things once you get married. Sigh.
That is one thing I've put my foot down on. My family and I are not a bank and there will be zero jahez as per sunnah. Remember sunnah I remind people when they talk about rishta negotiations. Sunnah comes into play when you want a quiet cooperative docile wife who excuses her husbands mistakes (actually zero of that is sunnah but it's usually chalked up to sunnah) but then when it comes to $$ sunnah goes out the window.
Stay quiet and agree with her for now...watch but say nothing.
Your father should be the one to make things crystal clear with his sister that there will be no jahaiz or lena dena...your phuppi sounds greedy to me and she's trying very hard to pressurize you and your mother into giving them things.
^ Agree with this. Whatever is done should be done out of personal choice not from someone's demand. I never understood when people do that. My friend was also telling me during her engagement her husbands family were very specific about what they wanted even going as far as the FIL telling her mum about his suit measurements including what his pant seam measurements are. That's so weird and people need to get a hold.
I agree with Reha too, let you dad handle things and stay quite. BUt i think you are reading too much into her outspokenness. IF they are in the US, what good a car in Pakistan be? BUT the bed sheets, towels (Pakistan has great stuff for lower prices vs. US,) outfits etc...should be bought from Pakistan and nothing wrong with her giving you advise as what to bring with you (have you seen all the threads in Weddings regarding just that topic...what to take with me to US/UK.)
Also there is nothing wrong with having your mom or dad ask her what they are expecting. will make everybody's life much easier.
I agree with Reha too, let you dad handle things and stay quite. BUt i think you are reading too much into her outspokenness. IF they are in the US, what good a car in Pakistan be? BUT the bed sheets, towels (Pakistan has great stuff for lower prices vs. US,) outfits etc...should be bought from Pakistan and nothing wrong with her giving you advise as what to bring with you (have you seen all the threads in Weddings regarding just that topic...what to take with me to US/UK.)
Also there is nothing wrong with having your mom or dad ask her what they are expecting. will make everybody's life much easier.
car n other stff
because she is mentioning a lot lately that after all her kids get married which is by end of this or next year InshAllah she ll move back to Pakistan in islamabad house with uncle
n she mentions car a lot like that person gave car to his daughter in jehaz, I ll gift my daughter sports car on her wedding repeatedly I dun have problem with giving
but 1stly all my life I was deadly against jrhaz concept n now I ll b takin with me 2ndly I read all signs of greedy intentions
Taking bed sheets, towels and clothes that you will use isn't really jahaz. When you move out of your parents house into a drom room...you take similar items. You have to take essentials...Maybe you have become over sensitive to everything she is saying. Also, unless you parents have confirmed that she doesn't want anything...its all questionable. Have you mother and or father talk to her to clarify things. At the time of the engagement, did your parents mention that you guys are against jahaz?
from personal experience, i would suggest to not act upon it as yet.
if you are sure about the rishta (the guy) then dont comment (to the guys family) regarding this as yet.
I guesss ina way it is good that your aunt is showing her character now. it will help you deal with her better.
so oberve her actions... she is greedy? fine, let her be greedy but dont give! That is the main point. You cant change people. And neither these sort of vcharacter realize they are doing something wrong. so what is the point of being worried about it.
She will ask for more.. you just dont give and make sure you let your parents know that they should not feel pressurize because of you.
many ppl here in GS might not agree with me but I adviced base don personal experience.
Taking bed sheets, towels and clothes that you will use isn't really jahaz. When you move out of your parents house into a drom room...you take similar items. You have to take essentials...Maybe you have become over sensitive to everything she is saying.
I am sure the fiance is not living on street and has basics to start their life. Once she is with him, they both can buy can whatever is needed.
And i would suggest...if you are satisfied with your proposal go ahead & offcourse ignorance is bliss, dont fulfill anyones demand in any case..basically our decisions are important in the begining...if things doesnt seem positive, make a right decision at the right time. You dont marry with a person, you have to deal whole family and i believe stay happy and let others happy and make others happy too..so decide before its too late!
i pray the best for you Ameen
Your dad is a alive alhamdolillah and this is his concern not yours. Keep shut. U can discuss this with him but don't be rude to her
dude, that is such a weird thing to say. okay mashaAllah for her parents and may Allah Pak give them long and healthy lives but she has a valid concern and she posted about it on such a public forum. the rest of your advice is fine but the first part just struck me. mashaAllah for her for everything she has and will have in the future, inshaAllah
I am sure the fiance is not living on street and has basics to start their life. Once she is with him, they both can buy can whatever is needed.
I am pretty sure he isn't, but why would you go anywhere without your essenitals. If you go over to a friends house to stay over...you still take your own towels etc. Also, these things are really good and cheap in Pakitsan.
.
Desi clothes are super expensive in the US and hard to find good stuff...why wouldn't you bring that from Pakistan. Also, the whole issue of MIL's choice and your own choice comes in as well. Would you really want to have outfits that are picked my your MIL when you have a choice of getting your own.
