salam. oh man. its been so long since i posted on gs. lol. dunno if anyone here even remembers me but anyways.
ok so i have this friend…n this is her story. She used to love this guy sometime back…they loved each other a lot…told parents…parents agreed…it was all final..but then there were some problems between those 2 ppl…fights n all…the guy left her. she stopped trusting every single person on earth after that. her friends…parents..guyz…everyone!..she wasnt even ready to fall in love again. more than a year passed…she was in university. she met this guy…who started talking to her first n all..she ignored him. but he was always wanting to talk to her n stuff. they were in the same lab same classes. he wasnt a good person in her opinion…he wud go clubbing…smoke a lot…used to drink too…and a lotta things. but he wud always make her laugh. she had totally forgot how to be happy n stuff..but he taught her how to live again…how to not care for things that dont deserve ur care…how to just…laugh! :)…they started hanging out with each other…a lot. became real good friends in just one semester. he was a bad person in her opinion…but he respected my friend a lot…never did anything like…he jus respected her. cared for her. cared for her very differently than any other girls he has ever been with before. (n there r a lot). since they were always together…studied together..had lunch together…n stuff…my friend started to bring a change in him. she told him she hated guyz who smoke. he had been smoking for a few years. but he quit smoking. cause she hated it. he was a vvery differnt guy..he had a different style..ive met him. he was like..he wud come to college in his PJz that he wud sleep in the nite before…not brush his hair…jus get up from bed n come to uni. he used to have his ears pierced too. i dunno..he was different. he wud wear shirts that wud have weird pics of weird statements on them…lol. all kinds of casual ajeeb si shirts. she told him she liked shareef looking guyz…guyz who wear collar wali shirts..lol..n have their hair done properly..n jus look shareef. the next day he comes to college in a proper collar wali shirt…pants..hair done good..n all. lolzz…she tells him she likes swiss army. the next day he smells all swiss army. she tells him she likes white on him. he starts wearing white. she tells him to stop swearing…cause he wud have a swear word in every sentence…he stops swearing…he starts praying. he quits hanging out with girls a lot. he changed a LOT. then one day…he tells her he likes this girl…my friend…being his best friend wants to know. he doesnt tell her but keep giving her hints. kher..then he tells her few weeks before semester is over that its my friend he likes. my friend never thot of him that way..she knowz shes not ready to fall in love at all. she still has her first relationship in mind n she jus cant imagine being with anyone else. plus…the biggest reason…she knowz its not possible. thi guy…is a PUNJABI. and this girl is from karachi. n in my friends khandan…they just..dont get marrried with punjabis or anyone bahir ka. apne jese logon mein shadi n all. my friends mom doesnt like punjabis. and ALSO…this guy is younger than her!..not a lot…like 3 months…but still. hez younger…n aesi shadiyan bhi nai hoteen uski family mein. so she knowz its gonna be a straight up no from her parents. she explains everything to him n says no. but this guy doesnt give up. he keeps keeps keeeeps trying…showing her howwww muchh he cares for her. for every LITTLE thing…she hasnt seen a guy change SO much for anyone. i had a talk with her…she used to keep saying that the first guy was perfect n all…n i told her its not about being perfect..its about being to change FOR u…n become the way u want them to be. its not about possessing all the qualities pehle se..its about changing urselfff for the person u love!! then buss..he kept trying kept trying…wudnt leave her alone…last day of semester…she tells him she likes him too. but if her parents say no…its his responsibility to mana them..n if he fails…shez gonna do wat they say. he promises he will mana everyone for her n shadi usi se kerega. kher. couple months pass buy…they r really in love by now…they go to pakistan. my friend to karachi n him to lahore. there…they r jus not able to give each other enuff time…sub family mein busy. get into fights. he yelled at her once…n he has never been even thora sa disrespectful to her before…but now hez jus changed..he gets mad…yells..in turn she gets mad…n they hang up the phone n buss larayeeiyan. she comes back to the states. hez still in pakistan rite now. here…she gets a rishta. the guyz dad has been my friends dads best friend since 30 years. they were in university…jabke dost. amazing amazing family. strong family background. naik log. bohat bohat bohat achay..izzat dene waley. very well off financially as well. amazing family. dad says he wants to get my friend married to his son. jiska rishta aya hai. he says u have till 12 tonight…to tell me yes or no if u want us to proceed with this rishta…and meet the guy. my friend says no. she sees the picture…doenst like him…(plus she likes someone else)…and says no. she doesnt wanna meet the guy. her parents get mad…that shez being childish n immature…n itney achay rishte baar baar nai milte. they loooooove the family. they r like…pehle tumhari baat maani humne..(referring to the first relationship of hers)…or ab…humari chalegi. tumhari nahi. and this is a great family. my friend keeps saying no. she wont meet him. i dunno why they gave her 12 baje tak ka time…lol..cause she kept saying no. rite at 11:30 the guyz dad calls. n her dad talks. n he goes yes…my daughter thinks milne, baat kerne ke baad hi baat aage barha sakte hein…but we;ve always loved ur family n all…aap 90% done hi samjhein. stuff liek that. n shez listening. kher…so therez her family…forcing her almost…to meet the guy..n after meeting it will be almost impossible for her to convince them to say no. cause they r saying u dont have a REASON to say no. kher…and on the other hand..therz this guyshe likes…who keeps fiting. but she calls n talks to him. n he gets pareshan too. n he tells her to forget about all laraiiyan cuase he loves her..n tells her NOT to say yes kisi bhi tarah. the girl says that the rishta thing is going too fast n he shud tell his parents n DO something about it. he tries a lot…keeps saying hez only 20…he cant talk to his parents about this…but the girl says if u want to get married to me u have to. so today he mssgs n said he told his mom n she said parhayee khatam kero…phir baat kerte hein. he didnt telll his mom about my friends rishta and that this is urgent now. n shez asking him to come online or something to TLAK to her,…n hez saying hez so sick he cant get up. maybe he is. im sure he is…but. where is this going? wat shud she do? who shud she trust?..shud she say no to this rishta…IS larke ke bharose par? n even if she does…will her parents lissen to her? probably no. her parents dont know about this punjabi guy. n she cant tell them.she doesnt have the guts firsteval. doenst even have coiusins rishtedaars who can help her tell her parents. and…she knowz…itney achay rishte ke saamne,…this younger larka whoz punjabi!! its jus IMPOSSIBLE. shez trapped. like…she cant even tell her parents cause there is no friggin WAY…not even 1%…that they will even agree to SEE the guy or meet his family. and plus…itna acha rishta saamne hai. kabhi bhi jaane nai deinge isse. and the guy she likes isnt even here…hez not taking a big step…itna zid kerne par he told his mom…(hez saying he did)…or itna bhi nai mana paya keh they talk to my parents? or anything…like…whoz rong?..he was the one who promised her he’ll mana everyone waqt aane par…now hez nowhere to be seen. she doesnt know if hez committed enuff to take a big step for her at this age…and if she can hold this any longer…cause her parents r taking this real fast. n not even asking for HER decision. so…shez REALLY trapped. wat wud u do?
(i know this post is long n has unneccesary information…but watever. i told the whole background).
i would say she should tell her parents that they are forcing her to marry this other guy but they should know that she will never be happy with him even though they think they are right.
I wish you hadn't posted this.. I feel sick to the stomach for her and may ALLAH ji do what is best for her..
Shab e raat hai aaj.. The night when ALLAH ji, decides on what will happen in the future year for each person
May there be happiness for her ameen
many Pakistanis have come to a point in time where marriages for them are some kind of a deal to either the partners or their parents. these marriages are an utter disrespect of the real individuals who could other wise be happily married to people whom they made an effort to know in that respect. seen it happening the other way around and it is miserable for the men when they are pressured into a marriage. women and men who become sacrificial lambs and then suffer in unhappy dealt marriages, are hurtful to witness and they know it that it is wrong but in the heat of the moment they become overwhelmed because as individual people, they are unable to take a stand for themselves or for those who they earlier offered the proposal for getting married.
why would any one marry someone who one has no idea about? this question must be answered as logically as it can be - without the underpinnings of reasons such as ' this is what is done in a traditional culture' or ' love develops after marriage' or any other reason that devalues a pre marital contract understanding, as a good will between a woman and a man that they findeach other to be comforting and trustworthy and now they will do all theyto make their marriage happen the right way by convincing parents to stand by them. educated and caring parents will understand and support their daughters and sons alike.
they have already blessed even the proposal. no one cares how they would have honored in law relationship. because caring and educated parents realize that they do have to keep in mind their children's happiness. accounting for the fact that once you get to know someone and trust them, they rebuke that trust in a grand way, and you could say that the same is true of the got to know pair vs. got to deal pair - still on was short lived, the other is a long term mess. what care and regard for a spouse is that which has to be forced or artificially expressed in such marriages. still, getting to know someone is essential and who is able to discern the good and the bad in a partner in a just and fair manner, that will help solves many problems involved in marrying to anyone in particular.
also accounting for the limitations of not violating premarital relationship ethics of becoming close to each other. but in responsible adults who intend to marry, it should be of little concern that violation of any moral code will happen.
it is a good thing that care for each other develops after marrying and sharing a roof... but it is not too hard to see that even then, self disclosure to his spouse will be a impossible - a guilt ridden or hesitant action, since the person is incapable of expressing himself honestly. there is no compatibility when marriages are arranged for ulterior motives. unfortunately they break down or one of the partners is 'personally killed as an individual', top it off with uncaring and ignorant in-laws, and a perpetual tension, emotional poison, and a clear unhappiness surrounds such couples or both of them look for attention somewhere else and then the marriage between them two is good for nothing.
submission is for Allah swt only, not for or to a life partner. in life partner ship it is a partnership and it must be taken seriously as such. no one is perfect. but lies and shown mistrust makes a person even more imperfect. even though all out trust would have been accorded to that person. couples who intend to marry each other respectfully must question each other about everything they can possibly ask with respect and without hurting each other's feelings, and their parents must be able to recognize that their children are rational in their thought about marrying a given person, and each one takes their role seriously in making that marriage successful, and trust in everyone, unbreakable.. then is when marriages can be content.
I think she need to talk to her parents and she needs to sit tem down and tell them her point of view, I know their forcing her but at the end of the day their her parents and they only wants whats best for her
at least the guy she loves and who loves her is a muslim... she should jus try talkin2 her parents and explain in a calm way
also tell her to pray 2 allah for him 2 do wats best for her
say good luck 2 her
an let us no wat hapens
tell her to stop hanging out with the opposite sex in the first place! then she wouldn't have fallen in love, and hence would've avoided the whole "getting hurt" part as well!
Tell her to turn to Allah SWT, seeks His help only, and trust in Him only. Once she attains that, everything in this transient world will become secondary to her and inshallah she will be able to better deal with such things inshallah.
Tell her to beg Allah SWT to fill her life with ppl that will be good for her in this world and then next inshallah. Do not underestaimate the power of Dua! tell her to make dua to forget the person who hurt her in the first place.
Tell her to pray dua-e-hajat (stress), pray tahajjut prayers and sincerely ask Allah alone for help, inshallah thinhs will look up for her.
May Allah give your fiend that which is good for her in this world and the next, Amin.
I forgot to add my two cents about what I think your friend should do.... dump the 20 year old dud, and consider the good rishta she's got.
I know I know, The pujabi guy lef this smoking, clubbing etc, but it appears he only left this trashy lifestyle to impress the girl, and not bcoz it was the right thing to do! she there is chance he'll relapse and go back to these things when his hormones are more under control.
Her parents are right, good rishta dont come every day! especially from a good family! Your friend doesn't understand how valuable these things are bcoz she is only 20 and hasn't seen how a good brining up can sustain a health married life inshallah.
In short: dump the 20 year old and consider the new guy! If he truly is from a good family then inshallah he will be able to provide her with the security and trust she is so in need of!
This is very extraordinary situation, here is one guy who she has gotten to know better, but is not suitable. Other whose family and back ground is good and dandy but really has no emotional connection.
My advice would be to not stress yourself with it and take time off. There is no deadline for marriage, is it? Get to know the other guy a little bit better, talk to him and see where the overall situation is.
This is very extraordinary situation, here is one guy who she has gotten to know better, but is not suitable. Other whose family and back ground is good and dandy but really has no emotional connection.
My advice would be to not stress yourself with it and take time off. There is no deadline for marriage, is it? Get to know the other guy a little bit better, talk to him and see where the overall situation is.
there is a deadline. the guyz family wants to know cause they wanna get him married off asap. hez 26. they need a jawab.
why are we lookign at this as the only two options, she can say no to this rishta, see if this college classmate dude works out or not, and see what she wants to do.
why are we lookign at this as the only two options, she can say no to this rishta, see if this college classmate dude works out or not, and see what she wants to do.
anyways, hua kya?
lol. wish it were that simple. she CANT say no. that option has just not been given to her. :)
till today...the guy she loves hasnt said anything about doin anything about this. he asked his mom n she said we r not doing anything until u graduate. guess hez not ready to take any big step. she does still like him n all.
her parents said thats the only raasta she has. either its this guy (rishta guy)...or they wont be shamil in her life. shes probably gonna go with the rishta guy now that she has no where to go :)
There is no certainty in life. There is no wrong or right decision except with hindsight perhaps. In any relationship one has to work on it. All relationships involve some give and take and compromises.
What one thinks is the right decision now could end up being the wrong decision and vice versa.
I wouldn't feel comfortable about having a few hours to decide. I don't think emotional blackmail should be used to encourage you to make the decision that your parents approve of.