All those who had a lurve marriage, those who had an emotional relationship with their partners before getting hitched, please tell if the emotional relationship between husband n wife changed afterwards, how long have u been married, how did it change, for better or for worse?
I want to compare these to arranged marriages where the spouses barely know eachother, where the relationship develops after marriage. If the emotional relationship develops after marriage, can the spouse justify saying that they were lead to expect more / mislead???
Re: LOVE Marriage - relationship change afterwards???
Any such relationship will definitely change after marriage for obvious reasons. People normally are on their best behavior before getting married. Having an affair is convenient and doesn't carry any luggage e.g. responsibility. Marriage does. And there always are surprises, differences of opinion.
With a little tolerance and understanding, the wheels keep moving, but there certainly is a major change in relationship. Just my 2 cents.
Love marriages and arranged marriages and infact all relationships change after a period of time normally.
I have been married just over a year now and it was a love marriage and as far as i see it nothing has changed at all. He still loves me the same way but more that when we got married and vice-a-versa. He still buy's me small gifts and act silly and sometimes just to make me smile.
However i have seen some people that after marriage the couples find that being together is normal and not special anymore and that is a reason why it is said that so many love marriages fail because of the expectation one has of how they will be treated after. One expects gifts, i hug when he see's you, not to get angry etc etc. Where as with arranges marriages everything is a mystery and no expectaions lie.
Before i got married i only saw my husband once alone....every other time they would come to our house and we would go to there, and keep in mind our is a love marriage. He still used to buy me gifts, and presents and so on , and i did as well.
After marriage it was the same and now i have come to expect certain things which i know he will never stop doing such as, a hug when he sees me, a kiss a night, being loving to me etc.
After i got married i transferred to the same law firm where he is a partner and even though we work together we never get enough.
Love marriages and arranged marriages and infact all relationships change after a period of time normally.
I have been married just over a year now and it was a love marriage and as far as i see it nothing has changed at all. He still loves me the same way but more that when we got married and vice-a-versa. He still buy's me small gifts and act silly and sometimes just to make me smile.
However i have seen some people that after marriage the couples find that being together is normal and not special anymore and that is a reason why it is said that so many love marriages fail because of the expectation one has of how they will be treated after. One expects gifts, i hug when he see's you, not to get angry etc etc. Where as with arranges marriages everything is a mystery and no expectaions lie.
Before i got married i only saw my husband once alone....every other time they would come to our house and we would go to there, and keep in mind our is a love marriage. He still used to buy me gifts, and presents and so on , and i did as well.
After marriage it was the same and now i have come to expect certain things which i know he will never stop doing such as, a hug when he sees me, a kiss a night, being loving to me etc.
After i got married i transferred to the same law firm where he is a partner and even though we work together we never get enough.
Any such relationship will definitely change after marriage for obvious reasons. People normally are on their best behavior before getting married. Having an affair is convenient and doesn't carry any luggage e.g. responsibility. Marriage does. And there always are surprises, differences of opinion.
With a little tolerance and understanding, the wheels keep moving, but there certainly is a major change in relationship. Just my 2 cents.
Re: LOVE Marriage - relationship change afterwards???
KIP - I'm very happy for you and wish you a beautiful life.
Unfortunately its not that simple in most cases, too many expectations mess it up. Perhaps not having many expectations is whats made it relatively easier for you. In love affairs, people go far beyond being realistic - and later when it comes to complying with it all, thats the messed up part. Perhaps your attitude is the key i.e. one should stay realistic. Otherwise it all might come crashing down.
Love marriages and arranged marriages and infact all relationships change after a period of time normally.
I have been married just over a year now and it was a love marriage and as far as i see it nothing has changed at all. He still loves me the same way but more that when we got married and vice-a-versa. He still buy's me small gifts and act silly and sometimes just to make me smile.
However i have seen some people that after marriage the couples find that being together is normal and not special anymore and that is a reason why it is said that so many love marriages fail because of the expectation one has of how they will be treated after. One expects gifts, i hug when he see's you, not to get angry etc etc. Where as with arranges marriages everything is a mystery and no expectaions lie.
Before i got married i only saw my husband once alone....every other time they would come to our house and we would go to there, and keep in mind our is a love marriage. He still used to buy me gifts, and presents and so on , and i did as well.
After marriage it was the same and now i have come to expect certain things which i know he will never stop doing such as, a hug when he sees me, a kiss a night, being loving to me etc.
After i got married i transferred to the same law firm where he is a partner and even though we work together we never get enough.
KIP, i am very pleased for u that your relationship is going well, mashallah.
You have raised a very good point about expectations. In an arranged marriage where the partner is unknown before, can we expect certain things from them?
Also, in a (for the sake of this thread i'll call it "love marriage") do partners REALLY expect the relationship to NOT turn "normal" and then get disappointed when they do?
It just implies that we havent been through what others have - you cant say we dont know jack about marriages - love or otherwise. You dont consider having seen plenty of friends and relatives get married and how it turns out as experience?
One degree of knowledge is knowing something as a fact, learning from others’ experience, mind is a beautiful thing, of course if used properly. Another degree of knowledge is personal experience, and that makes you a source of knowledge for the other degree of learners!
For an illustration, we all know fire burns - some of us have first hand experience and some have learned from others’ experience and available knowledge.
Ok, in that case I would say that I also have one degree of knowledge in that I have seen some friends and relatives get married, but I do not know how their real relationship is, as some people DO put a different face on in public.
Secondly I have another degree of knowledge in the arranged marriage side, and I know that I didn’t have any expectations of how the relationship will progress bcos i didnt have anything to compare it to.
Thirdly, i need the degree of knowledge from PEOPLE WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED this “before and after” scenario so that I can LEARN how it really is.
Yes, we all know a fire burns, but some of us may be colour blind and think the flame is green instead of orange.
Re: LOVE Marriage - relationship change afterwards???
You do realize that people put on a different face in public, yet you expect people to share their real bad marriage experiences with you on public forums?
You can compare love marriages in many ways. What i mean by expectations, is that even though mines was a love marriage neither of us have or had been with anyone else. Had that been the case it would possible allow the comparison which i dont think is s good thing.
Most but not always those who have love marriages are seen to have had other past relationships which allow them to eventually at some point compair to there current, Love after marriage does not allow comparison and what happens day to day becomes normal.
Maybe a silly example but someone who loves a Porsche buys, feels it, wants to drive the car everyday for whatever distance, washes the car everyday/weekend because he/she has a desire for it, eventually you dont desire to drive it all the time and drive it when you have to and wash it once a month if that. Thats what happens with alot of love marriages showered with massive amounts of love that one believes to be the normal day to day life after marriage.
While thats what everybody wants, is that what is realistic?
not in most cases i dont think, and while im not saying it may happen for months or years afterwards there is a time when it slows dows eg after children.
Whatever it maybe enjoy it and make the most of it
^KIP, i'm not talking about comparing previous partners, I am talking about comparing the way the partner was BEFORE marriage, and now, has the relationship grown stronger. or become a disappointment?
In an arranged marriage, it can be said that the relationship grows stronger / better, bcos THERE WAS NOTHING there to begin with (LEVEL 0), so it can either go in a good direction (onwards and upwards), or take a nosedive and digs itself deeper into the ground.
With a love marriage, u know the person and you will probably marry at some point greater than 0, lets say level 5, does it go higher than that afterwards?
My example, I think i must have started at level -2 to begin with, bcos i was very reluctant in this arranged marriage. Anyhow, as time went on, things improved greatly and then i was happy, then happier and everytime something good happened i was really surprised bcos i didn't expect anything so it was like being the winner in a lucky draw all the time. So for me, I can't say that my marriage is a disappointment, or that it is worse than I thought it would be before I got married bcos I didn't expect anything from it going by my husbands pre-wedding behaviour, bcos i never saw him!
So I am left wondering, is there some benefit in not being so much in love before you marry so that u don't see the best side of someone and not see the normal everyday joe bloggs?
, i am not married either 